affinity.

to be honest, i never wanted to be liked. I never asked you to like me. I never sought for your affirmation. it's funny. i never really liked myself. How could I? with the things i've done? But i will take what's been said, i'll take the compliments, encouragment, etc. and place them in my treasure box, precious they are to me...

sidenote: i really want to see closer for some reason...probably out of curiosity.

Secret Santa.

We did Secret Santa. Shannon had me and I had Jo. =) I got a scarf and the garden state soundtrack. yippeee!

The morning after, I wanted to show off my scarf to my dad.

I exclaimed, "Look! Dad! Look! Shannon got me this! [holds up scarf]
Dad looks up, "a rope?"

...

This semester flew by.

So many thoughts are running through my head a bajillion miles per hour. It's inconceivable how the mind works. I wish i could put into words exactly what i want to convey. Over the last few days, i've become vulnerable to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's due to lack of sleep. Or maybe it's the season. Or maybe i miss something or someone. Whatever it is, i wish things were a bit simpler. If i were you and you were me, would things be different? If you knew every thought and inkling in my body, would situations change?

I look back on the semester, and i wonder, did God move? Did i further God's kingdom by simply living? i'd say no. But i don't know that. Often times, i don't feel like i'm making an impact on those around me. Last year, i've grown accustomed to giving a little bit of me to everyone. I ended up crashing and burning, squeezed dry from life. I have this tendency to relate, possibly too much to people. Yeah, i'll listen to you, show empathy, and love you...but is that enough? I've realized that i've stretched myself to the max this week. My body is sore. My brain is sore. My heart beats faster each day. Even now, with finals over (yay), i feel the strain in my heart and soul. So strange.

I apologize to those that i've hurt along the way. I can't take back the things i've done. I can't undo the wrongs i've made. I'm still human, you know.

So i ask you to be patient with me. I'm still learning. I want to love and be loved. I want to serve. I want to say the unspoken. I want to have faith.

my goodness.

gah. i'm throwing my entire schedule off for finals. I have been working on an excess of caffeine, malnutrition, and deprivation of sleep. I don't know what i was thinking yesterday when i went go eat at magic china after pulling an all nighter, watching ocean's twelve after a two hour nap, eating jack in the box until we got kicked out, watching a prequel to a movie that i've never seen, and eating at denny's for a 3 hour conversation about nothing; i went to sleep at 6. Needless to say, I missed church this morning...it's okay because sami and sarah did too...actually no, there's no excuse.

Now, i'm avoiding having to study for my last two finals as much as possible, and i'm distracting mika from writing her paper =P

Ummm, i hate finals.

Warm fuzzies like whoa.

MY GOD! i am soo happy right now! I want to thank each and every one of you who came out to my insanely early birthday get-together.

Kristina, Zoe, Diane, Elaine, Phuong, Nhu, An, Tram, Sally, Sara, Jennifer, Mika, Mei, Carmen, Sherry, Sarah, and Sami

Andrew, Mario, Anthony, Eric, Pham, Howie, Philip, Edward, Billy, Ron, Alan, Steve, Caleb, Aaron, Chin, James, Daniel, Peter, SHAWN our waiter, Jairo, and Robert

I love everyone of you guys and am grateful to God for each of you. I know I don't express myself in an exquisite manner, but from the deepest of my heart, i love you all.

I remember...

the subtle utterances of truth from his mouth.

I miss...

the gentle breeze that comes from his embrace.

I wish...

he was near.

Santa's Workshop.

Santa's workshop was fuN! I wasn't expecting anything. I had just woken up from a nap so i was still a bit groggy as i walked into the sub. I went to the foodcourt and there were gift wrap, scissors and tape galore, and numerous boxes filled with toys at every table. And people had already started wrapping toys like crazy. Oh man, i started to get giddy inside. I love wrapping gifts. My mom and I would always go nuts during the holidays cause we both absolutely loved wrapping gifts. I went to a station and started my own little system and got into the rhythm of cutting, folding, and taping. hahaa. yeah, i'm a dork. I had fun tonight.

Volleyball Insanity

Ever since Volleyball Intramurals started, i haven't stopped obsessing about sharpening my spikes, being able to serve overhand, digging opponent's serves, and setting like whoa. We murdered kdphi and deltasig, but jsa put up a good fight. SO CLOSE. But yeah, games are over and done with until after thanksgiving.

After talking to a lot of my girlfriends recently, i noticed that we are experiencing the same emotion, loneliness. As the holidays roll on in, it would be nice to celebrate that kind of intimacy that only a couple can have.

Lately, i've been faced with a lot of temptations. It's weird. In the past, these temptations would be so easily avoided. However, i find myself wanting to give in to my flesh...bleh.

Thanksgiving is in a few days. I'm excited about sleeping in my own room and having a lot more privacy....and of course, spending time with my family. =P

Everyone, have a great break and Thanksgiving.

aww geez.

You know what i've realized? I have an obnoxious laugh.

On Wednesday, I went to the library (gasp) to study chinese or accounting, i forget which. Something happened, I erupted into laughter and couldn't stop for eternity (3 minutes to be exact). I felt bad for laughing so hard. Friday, i went to see the incredibles with AFC. That movie made me laugh like none other. Hanna comes up to me after the movie and tells me she heard me laugh. She sat behind me on the opposite end of the row. AND then, after freshmen dinner, i went to andrew's place to chill for a bit. I was telling a story and couldn't finish the story without laughing my head off.

I need to calm down. =P

I am a Christian by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin." I'm whispering "I was lost," Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say.."I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain, I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow.

An unexpected awakening.

I didn't expect for God to poke me. I knew i was in for it when i had prayed for humility. Lately, i've been waking up, hoping to devote my day to God. It often feels like my prayers hit the ceiling and reverberates back down. Needless to say, i started getting desperate for God and continued to pray outrageous prayers, not expecting God to listen. Boy am i naive.

I am by no means saying that i have experienced some life-altering moment. Nor has my life flashed before my eyes. I have been reminded of God's goodness. I remember when i would wake up each morning excited about what God had to offer to me that day. I want to start doing that again. I am reminded of the goodness of the cross. I am reminded that i live for God alone and only He can provide the joy that i need day to day. But unless i give my all to him, i won't be able to live the life worthy to be called a follower of Christ. So, if i had to summarize what i learned tonight, i'd say i want to surrender all i have to live for the glory of Christ.

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

Meandering thoughts.

i wish i had something intelligent to offer to you like some philosophical epiphany or a supernatural intervention.

But no.

God is good. He gives rest to the weary.

Dear Lord, this pain inside me
Tears me apart
And Lord the more it hurts
The harder my heart

Oh, in my darkest hour
Your love comes shining through
Your word is true and You make all things new
And I know You're all I need
You say You're here and You calm my fears
And i know You'll never leave

Dear Lord, my heart is breaking
Breaking in two
And Lord my spirit's torn and
Crushed without You

Higher than the stars that shine
And deeper than the sea
Is my Savior's precious love
Your love has set me free
Set me free

Jennifer Szutu

jenn rocks.

Good guys, do they exist?

It boggles my mind how much one can be fixated on relationships. And I'm guilty as charged. I've been analyzing relationships of all kinds. But more so on "romantic relationships." I have to admit it, i really desire to be with someone. I want to be intimate with someone. But, I'm afraid that i am naive about too much to be in a sane relationship. Recently, or to be more exact, today... everywhere i went and everyone i ran into, something triggered me to speculate about my relationship with the opposite sex.

For one instance, I ran into Ron and his girlfriend Monica. First off, Ron rocks. He's a great man after God. He really is admirable for his heart to serve and care for his "flock." His girlfriend is awesome. I haven't talked to her much to make a respectful decision, but from what i can tell, she rocks ron's world. So therefore, she is to be admired as well. I met her at urbana. So, i know she's serving the Lord in some magnificent way, even if i don't know what it is.

But anyway, after bumping into them, I started to think, i want that. I want a relationship where i can hold hands with him while i shop for groceries. I want a relationship where i know that i will be taken care of. Ron is a good guy, but he's taken.

Just last weekend, I went to Eric's wedding. It was truly surreal watching my older brother get married. He was so happy. He and Huong are so cute together. God has so much in store for them now that they are married. I remember they played "let's stay together" by al green and both of them were goofing off on the dance floor. =P (Somehow, i knew that al green would be in the wedding.)

I wholly respect eric and huong. They are an awesome couple reaching for the things of God. Eric with his humble heart and audacious will. Huong with her joyful nature and kind spirit. They compliment each other. Eric rocks. He's a good guy because he's my cousin =P

*sigh

In the end, i realize that the characteristics of Ron and Eric evolve because of God. They are not who they are unless God has made them to be humble and strong-willed. I know i am not fully developed into the person God wants me to be to be in a relationship. I want my future husband to have the best of who i am. Until i develop into that woman, my first and foremost lover is my Lord =)

Bleh.

Being sick sucks.

I saw Daniel, Steve, and James at the mall. That made me happy.

My throat hurts. God please love me.

Highlight of the day.

I got mail today! i hardly ever get mail! What makes it even better is that it's from Jen! i love it! THank yoU!

She sent us Allen girls some collectibles =P

But let me tell you what else made my day. I went to chinese class. I was seriously considering skipping but figured that since i was already at the student union, i should go to class. So half the class was gone, all the guys were gone, and i didn't have a book to bum off of, but it was nice. =)

But anyway, so i have this small box in which jen sent her stuff in. after class i picked up my box and was about to head out of class. I bid my teacher farewell and he looks at me and then at my box, points and exclaims, "box!" and giggles.

HAHahHAHAHAaAhHA

=\ i'm easily amused, sorry

I am Squirrel Murderer.

Dang. I was driving to Russell Hall to pick up Sarah and Sami to go to church. I was right along Dutton Rd. I saw a cute squirrel in the middle of the road right on the yellow line. He was holding a nut of some sort. He stood nearly a feet tall, as if he was about to conquer that piece of nut. As I pass by gazing at how proud he was of his nut, i prayed and hoped that he would keep his stature and not run to the sidewalk. As I was just about to pass him, he decides to gun it. He makes a fast move under my car. But unfortunately, I heard and felt a THUMP under my tire.

sad, isn't it?

We're in the playoffs!

AFC guys rock at football. We start monday!


top: ron, james, pham, steve, sam, hiro, daniel (captain)
bottom: aaron, philip, caleb, peter, john


ending prayer =)

God overwhelmed.

you are all i want
you are all i need
you are all i seek

there is no other
who can grab a hold of my heart
like you can
when you whisper in my ear
that you love me.

I wanna dance with you in the bright moonlight, just you and i. let's run away together.

A call from Mom.

Today my mom called me! According to my mom, Michael asked her to call me. She tells me that Michael misses me very much. Aw, that made my day. =)

I'm really anticipating Eric's wedding. It's in 2 weeks! I'm excited. It'll be the first wedding i go to, but hopefully, not my last =
AFC guys have been playing some good football. I'm very proud of their sportsmanship and how they play the game. Yesterday, we lost 18-7. They were playing against the defending champions of last year. With maybe 40 seconds left of the game, the guys just started to pass the football from Daniel to Caleb to James to Steve and back to Daniel and again to Caleb and that's when the game ended. It was soo funny. It's also encouraging that they come to pray together at the end. I love them.

KSA girls are also playing intramural football. I saw Sarah and Esther play some hard ball. They were working hard. I also met with Sherry. She was there supporting Stephanie (who is Chinese, Filipino, and Japanese - wow). They lost, but that's okay. As long as they don't swear, it's all good.

Camping Trip was amazing. I felt so stretched and torn down during the entire weekend. A lot of things were happening all at once. It was overwhelming. But i look back, and I can see God was moving when i really didn't think so, reiterating the fact that i am scum. God is so much greater than anything i can understand. I might clue you in on some details later on. Now i must get to class.

In need of Redemption.

Please God. Save me from my wretched soul.

My results.

Towards the beginning of the school year, I had my blood drawn. My father and my younger brother had recently been told that they had high cholesterol. Therefore, there was a high chance that I too will be diagnozed with high cholesterol or diabetes. Needless to say, I am. I do have high cholesterol at the premature age of 19. haha.

...I also don't have enough carbon dioxide in my body??

Parallel Parking!

I parallel parked the other day. It was the first time i successfully parallel parked. Muahaha. I can now rule the world. Yay! But yeah, the thing is, i didn't pass when parallel parking when i took driver's ed. I got an F, but for everything else, i got an A. So i'm so extremely happy that i FINALLY did it! you should be proud of me.

A New Year has begun.

today was the first day of classes. Going from class to class, i keep running into random people. It's fun. haha. But urm, things are a bit hectic in my life. I'm not sure how stable i am anymore. I may come off as being "okay" or maybe i am. dah.

I don't know. I'm paranoid about a lot of things in my life. I've noticed that. Hah. It took my younger brother to actually point it out to me. But he's right. It's not that i make drama. It's more of worrying about how I interact with my friends. I worry that I'm not being as friendly, funny, understanding, considerate, [fill in postive adjective], as i could be. When I worry, it means i don't believe God can help me. I get so caught up in making everything right on my own strength that i can't hear God. I can't hear him say, "Grace, I'm here. Trust me." I've become a bit disillusioned.

But on the superficial side, i've been doing okay. I'm not necessarily sad about anything. Just been in a daze of what's been going on since Welcome Week. Welcome Week is an experience never to be forgotten. Man, it was a lot of work, well at least the first two days were. Thursday was move-in day so all Welcome Week staff were at the freshmen dorms helping them move in. It was hectic. At first, it was fun. We were excited to meet the new freshmen. But as time dragged on, we got dehydrated and exhausted. I worked for nearly 5 hours. Whew, talk about working out. We climbed the stairs with boxes, fringes, tvs, computers. It was tiring. But a good tired. =) But that was probably the most I had to work for Welcome Week. The rest of the time was merely speculating if we even needed to help at all.

Annnndd, living with Kristina has already been a great blessing. I love it. =) Well i have pictures. But i won't load until i get connection with my laptop. So i fare thee well.

What to pack.

Man, i'm a bit stumped. I know that i have to pack, but i can't seem to get enough motivation to do it. I suppose, subconsciously, i don't want to because i'd rather just stay in Houston. Or maybe i'm plain lazy. neh.

Today was nice. I spent time with my Dad. We had lunch together and then we cleaned the house. Yes, he still is a pain in the butt. Yes, he still lectures me on things I already heard him lecture about. And, yes, he still picks on every little detail of my life. But, I love him to death. It turns out that my mother thinks I love her the least. She thinks Michael loves her the most, then Andy, and lastly, me. I want to say that's not true. But, come to think of it, maybe it is.

Not that it really matters. I love my parents. I don't love the other any more or less. I love them for their support and their guidance and their love. Just because i'm not very affectionate with my mom doesn't mean i love her any less than my dad. I think it goes along the same lines with my friends. Just because i am not affectionate to you, doesn't mean i care for you any less. I've never been very expressive. Give me time. Maybe it'll grow on me, eventually...this outward sign of affection thing.

Me as a Lego.

Originally uploaded by riyamei.

If I were a lego, i would def-definitely look like that.

I feel stagnant.

Geez, I really feel lethargic and useless.

If I don't ask for it, it's not going to happen.

I really want God to break me down. I want to break down. I want my pride to crash into an oblivion. I want patience and humility to shower down on me. I want to serve and not be served. I wish to be the best sheep the Shepard has ever set his eyes on.

My relationship with God is complex. I have these conflicting ideas of who I'm suppose to be in Christ. I wrestle with this idea that an ultimate creator desires to spend time with me and for me to want to spend time with Him, is hard. Day to day, I wish to honor God. I wish to please him. I often see myself falling just short of glorifying Him. How do you get closer to God? How do you draw ever near to him to hear his heart beat? When do you feel his arms wrapped closely around you?

My life has been great. I've been keeping myself productive. I got a job. I had summer school for the first time. I'm meeting up with good friends every week. My family and I are on great terms. But in the midst of all this, I feel lost. It's true. Whenever our lives seem to be going great, we fail to acknowledge God. Isn't he the one who gave us such blessings?

Nearly a week left before I go back. I have a list of prayer requests:
- fresh faith: to live an active, spiritual life
- dynamic fellowship: brotherhood of believers
- extreme intimacy: draw ever closer to my sisters/brothers and to God
- driven/ambitious leadership: lead under the authority of God

Thank you, Jesus. This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!

hiya!

I'm pooped.

Today was my last day of class. It's been a long time since i've been proud of my writing. My teacher kept on praising me on my work. She said how my writings were always provocative and, more importantly, she was impressed. My goodness. I always thought that i was horrible at English. I mean, i'm no Zoe Tham, nor Andrew Ye. But, for the first time, i did well in my English class. If you've been following me since i started this blog, i used to always complain about my english classes. I hated english since Hemme during my Junior year. It was a living hell, being in that class. So, no more english. It ended with a bang!

The crew recently changed locations from Tapioca House to Tea Cafe (TeaDot). The food is great. Drinks? Man, you get your bang for that buck. I guess my only problem is, you don't know how to pay. I get confused if i'm suppose to go to the register, before or after i get my order. I don't know if I'm suppose to sit down at a table or go to the register to order. It's all very complex. haha.

Oh yeah, tomorrow is my last day of work. my oh my. This summer has gone by way too fast. I remember just coming back from RecWeek. I remember. I remember watching Troy with the Baylor folk. I remember. I remember my first day of work and the first time i screwed up at work. I remember. I remember my first paper due in class.

All i know is that this busyness, it's got me really worn out. I feel really burnt out. I don't feel like doing much anymore. It's quite sad. I'm more lethargic than i have ever been. My workout schedule is totally screwed up. oh well. hah. But i hope i regain my focus once school starts.

Boo on Boys.

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice

The law firm I work at is located near Chinatown. The church building where my church had been established was being knocked down. How weird.

In that building, i've had so many experiences and memories. Wow, as i was watching them demolish the fellowship hall, I began to see my past flash before my eyes. When Natalie, Ida, and I would secretly hide in the room to have our private chats. When Long had first talked to me about Christ. Our central meeting place before we head off to retreats. Horrible, oily Chinese fast food for lunch. My first tears shed for God. Uninhibited worship sessions. Experiencing God for the first time. Witnessing to friends and family.

Look how far we've come, ladies and gentlemen.

Goodness.

I'm having the biggest brain fart of all time.

Gah. I need to focus!!

I miss that lady on the right very much.


...and this lady on the right as well.


...of course, as well as this lady...

Who am i kidding? I'm missing everybody like a madwoman!

whew! i'm exhausted.

i have my first draft of my 7 to 10 page paper due on Thursday. Yikes! I'm going to be up all night Wednesday. Work ends next Thursday. [sigh] i'm going to miss them. AND, i'm not sure when i'm going back yet. Cause i need to be there on the 17th, but i don't want to feel rushed.

My brain is mush. I'm suffering from a lot of fatigue and stress. I wake up pretty early each morning to get ready for school. After school, I run a few errands for my mom. Then i buy food for Michael and myself. Then off to work at 1. Run to the post office to drop off mail for them around 4:30. Head to the gym to work out. Eat dinner around 7 or 8. Then i keep all to myself in my room for the rest of the night chatting online or working on homework. Weekends are nice. I get to relax. i hung out with my mom this last weekend since my brother was busy with his social engagements and I didn't make any plans. So eating dinner and watching movies with my mom was good.

What else? Huong's bridal shower is this coming Saturday. I need to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy something for her. I'm going to meet up with Jennifer S. on Sunday, hopefully. And, nope, i think that's about it for now.

...My memory has gotten worse. I don't know what's up with me, but i can't seem to remember the simpliest things! I knew i had a bad memory during the semester, but i didn't know it was this bad! What happened?! I've been making it a habit to write things down so that i could remind myself. I've used up ALL my post-it notes doing so.

Did I mention i am exhausted? today was a busy day as usual. It's hard for me to switch modes from school to work. I get lethargic right after school just cause i'm tired and i am certainly not a morning person.

Otherwise, I can't complain about anything. God has been so generous. He's blessed me with a time of pure grace. He sure is gooood.

work is good.

school is good.

church is good.

life is good.

God is good. =)

Fun weekend. Too busy. Once is good enough.
 
 

Yay, today was a good day. Fridays are the best. I went to class. I'm very proud of myself. I've been successfully waking up each morning for my 8 o'clock class. I haven't skipped class, yet! I hope to establish this pattern of behavior once the semester starts.
 
Work has been interesting. I mean, good. I'm learning a lot about office work. There's a lot of routine, and things need to be done in a certain way. My supervisors, though, are great. They are very patient with me. Thank God. haha.
 
Oh, by the by. I went to Waco last weekend. SO many things were troubling me in Houston that I needed a break from the hassles of home-life. If you want further explanation, feel free to ask. Otherwise, it's tedious and needless to explain myself on the internet.

Continuing on with today's events; I went to drop Mike off at AEC, then I drive over to Memorial City Mall to shop, for others. I was coming out of Sam Goody? Claire's? Foot Locker? And i see Ms. Lee passing the entrance. I saw her, she saw me. I gave a confused look. She gave a confused look. I said, Hey! and then she said, HEY! hehe. It was an interesting coincidence to "bump" into her, considering I had asked her to join me for shopping and she turned me down...what's up with that? *shrugs no biggie.
 
So, I shop with her, her brother, and their cousins for the time being. It was great hanging out with her. Great girl. After the entourage left, I went on my own way to find my "gifts". I accomplished my mission within a hour and a half, as well as purchasing a few gifts for myself. =)
 
Came home and relaxed. That's it. Boy, have i had the most exhausting week. I think i'm going to bed.

October 5, 2004

Must and will buy this movie.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELAINE!

Oh my goodness. Could this day get worse? Hopefully not, it's nearly 10. My brother's car got scratched, not like a "oops i accidently keyed your car cause i was swinging my keychain about" kind of scratch, but "a full work of art scratch until i key an entire 2 inches on your car until i can see the engine" kind of scratch.

I am so upset with myself. My brother is going to be pissed off. Who would do such a thing? It's not like i openly offended anyone. It's a nice car too. ugh. A 2001 Honda Accord Coup scratched because i went to school. [sigh]

AND my younger brother is being a total jackass. I don't know. I don't know if he's going through this hormonal teenage phase, but it's really pissing me off. He's like going through a menstrual cycle that i was not aware that men had.

Other than that. Yeah, that sums up how i feel right about now.

frustrated, angered, self-pity, lonely.

i miss you guys.

the following soldiers for Christ:
jennifer ling
jessie tan
jennifer lin
andy shih

...are off to the motherland to share the good news. God be with you all. May He bless you in your footsteps...

i longingly gaze at this beautifully crafted wedding invitation that Klinton and Clara has graciously given to me. Only to be met with disappointment. I cannot go.

I'll already be in Waco and my parents see it as a impediment or an inconvenience to drive back for a wedding. Oh, how i see myself floating in a river of regret and discouragement after the wedding passes...

I am at my supervisor's beckon call

I feel like Christina Applegate's character in "Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead." I am just flooded with a lot of work. And in the midst of it all, I don't know what in th world I'm doing! I mean, I'm getting it done. But I don't know if i'm doing it right or the best that I could. I think this performance anxiety is going to bite me in the behind sooner or later.

At the same time, I'm learning where I got this anxiety. It's from my dad. He always put me to work. He told me to wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the laundry, wash the car, mow the lawn, walk the dog, buy groceries, vacuum the house, wipe the table, cook dinner, mop the floor, clean the bathroom, etc. Basically, ANY chore you can name, i've done. In the midst of being a good, disciplined girl, he would always lecture me on how to get it done. It must be scrubbed a certain way, you must do this however many times to get the stain out, and if I can't see through it, it means it's not cleaned. In other words, he wanted perfection. He wanted perfection in everything i did.

At the time, i found it tedious and absolute torture.

Now, I've come to realize that is what i've become. I've become soo task-oriented and performance driven that i'm afraid a lot of my creative juices have been squeezed out of me. I had great aspirations once. I had a list in mind of what i wanted to accomplish. Mostly, whimsical...but i did have dreams at one point in my life. But yeah, wonder what i would be like if i wasn't so focused on my inadequacies.

Anyway, I had a purpose to this blog. Ah, yes. I wanted to post a prayer. I wanted to post a prayer to those that have lost hope. Those that can't see the oh-so-bright light at the end of the tunnel. I know I for one, wish to see the pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow. To see reward or fruit of my labor, oh what a glorious day that would be.

Dear God. You are faithful. You have plans for your children. Plans that will flourish us. Make us successful. Not successful by the means of the world. But by your standards. In which, we find ourselves reluctant of putting our faith in anything else but you. Let us have hope in what you have plan for us for it builds our character to make us into leaders of your kingdom. I pray that with each trial we go through, you will be right there reassuring us of your faithfulness. God let us see the light. Reveal to us your WILL. We long to experience what you want for us.

I seem to update at the most random times and in sporadic intervals...

Urm, my brain hurts. that doesn't make any sense. i haven't been using it for the last 4 weeks! hah! Anyway, i'm being stupid.

AIM really is the DEVIL.

...So, i've decided to have a fast...a AIM-fast. at least, 40 days of NO AIM.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen (to the select few who read this) I will not be seen on your buddy list for a month. If you do see me online, may God desecrate me and send me into eternal damnation!

On a lighter note, I got my job! I'm an intern at Fong & Associates Law Firm. Yattah! I am quite nervous about it. I want to make a good impression.

*crosses fingers*

God, please don't let me make a fool out of myself! please, please, pretty please!

...I also start summer session II on July 6th. I need to sleep at a more modest time from now on. bleh. 8-10 BLOODY A.M.

i'm seriously dead.

Good morning ladies and gentelmen. Welcome to the diary of the mindless babbling idiot. =)

[sigh]

Seriously, some days, I wonder if my existence has any minute importance to it. I keep being nostalgic and revert back to my memories, mostly horrific, mind you. But most definitly memorable. Things that I wish that i had forgotten. Yes, I know that God has redeemed me of my past. But you have to wonder, isn't your past the thing that shapes your present and future? [shrugs]

Today, I helped my mom cooked dinner. I was told to dice the jalapenos. I cut maybe 50 of them for this hot sauce my dad wanted to make. So right now, my fingers are literally burning from merely touching the seeds. Dah! They feel like I'm holding a piece of metal that's been burning in the furnace with my forefinger and thumb.

I think back on the past two semesters. I wonder what happened to me. What have I become? Have I changed any? change for the good? for the bad?

dah, my fingers burn.

Man, i'm so blessed.

I've been reading this book titled, Invitation to Lead by Paul Tokunaga. Amazing book. It's odd. I bought this book 6 months ago at Urbana and haven't touched it since. But now that i've started reading it, I can't seem to put it down.

It's about leadership. With the idea of becoming a leader next year, I've grown anxious and hesitant about fully committing myself. I fear being rejected or made a fool of. I have always been performance oriented (as many asians are), driven to do my best even to the extent of exhaustion. And when i don't perform well, I fall into self-pity and the devil starts to deconstruct my mindset of living for God. I fear if i don't see results, I will start to doubt myself or even worse, doubt God.

I am truly incapable of leading.

But. That's where God comes in. I am so thankful that I'm not going into this next year alone. With God along side of me guiding me and helping me and loving me, I can go the distance. THe only way for me to be used, is to fully commit my life and work to God. Only then, will his power truly preside in my heart and soul. Giving my all is hard. Isn't it? Giving everything to God is even harder. But i'm still learning day by day to give it to God. Because only he can do good things with it. I can't.

Lol. I also noticed that I never talked about Urbana. Perhaps, the tornado of events that occurred after the convention deterred my equilibrium so much that I disregarded the fact or i just simply didn't want to extend my thoughts to the world.

Urbana 03:
- a truly exhausting experience. I was constantly on the move. My every waking moment was spent going to seminars, eating, meeting up with friends, worship, and small groups. It was nonstop. We had to travel from the dorms to the arena, from the arena to the local buildings for the individual seminars (3 each day), back to the dorms for dinner, from the dorms to the arena for the evening session seminar. Everywhere you went there were lines. But the great thing about it was, i loved it. I loved being so busy. Always needed to be somewhere, always needed to go to a designated area. I loved the fact that the random people you ran into, you could praise God with. You could be waiting in line to go into a seminar and you start pouring your guts to this random girl who asked you what time it was. I loved being treated like cattle whilst going into the arena with 20,000 other brothers and sisters, to worship and dwell in the presence of the Almighty.

- God delivered peace in the midst of the craziness. I spent one day just in complete awe of God's majesty. That day was the only medication i needed. It allowed me to rest in God's power and authority. Through that time, I finally realized what it meant to depend on God. In that moment, the phrase "Once you put God as priority, everything else falls into place" made sense to me. I must admit, my passion for missions wasn't inflamed, I wasn't necessarily engrossed with the idea of urban projects or traveling to the outskirts of Manila. But in the back of my mind, i realized that i can't do it for God unless he knows that i want to do it for him. I must go to him first to express my fears, doubts, worries, anxieties, pain, guilt, shame, love, joys, sins before i can effectively work for him. I praise him that he has redeemed me of my past.

- Jennifer Ling approached me. She came to me and asked if I wanted to be discipled by her. She asked me if we could be accountablility partners. My God. I was honored by the sheer fact that she even considered me. To this day, I'm grateful for the time and energy that she has invested in me and the wisdom she has imparted into me.

- Spent a day with Peter and his friend Joseph. One day, I went to the seminars that these guys were going to. I also had lunch with them at this mock Subway place. I had an interesting conversation with Peter. He was very candid with me about the things he was going through that last semester. He also progressed to inform me of his wish to start a bible study. And this bible study has grown. We've grown to be a community within another. I am truly amazed at what God has done with this small idea and to see the fruits of God's grace to be shown is astounding. And for that, I appreciate Peter's vulnerability to me.

- New Life Fellowship. I rode up to Urbana with my cousin's church. It was unbelievably encouraging to see a group of believers on fire for God. I remember that at the end of the day, the girls came together to talk about the spiritual matters that God had taught us for that day. They were so vocal about their thought patterns that I wish I had the capability of doing so, so candidly.

- John. Hah. He's this guy i met one day. I was in line for the bus to go the arena. Some guy was standing to the left of me. And he proceeded to ask me, "how's it going?" I looked up and we made eye contact. Man, was he cute, I thought. I played it cool and turned my head into my original place, and said, "pretty good, how about yourself?" "good" My gosh, the thoughts in my head were going 100 miles per hour. I was so nervous and afraid at the same time. I didn't know what to say. I was scared that i would start stuttering or mumble my words into a jumble. I said God, this is just a guy. Let me remember that. And he gave me peace. We walked slowly into the bus. He was from Georgia Tech. He was leading a small group at the dorms so he was split up from his fellowship. We sat together on the bus. I asked him why was he at Urbana. And he said that many of his friends were going on missions so he wanted to get more information on missions in general. But, he didn't answer my question. I asked him why was he at Urbana. He asked me what did i mean. Well it seemed to me that his entire purpose was the benefit of others rather than himself. OF course, it is necessary to think of others before yourself. But it's also important to consider what God has in store for YOUR future. And after i told him all this, he was befuddled. And he said that is a very good question. hAH. For the first time in my life, I felt as if i was provoking someone's thought pattern in the right direction. I thank God for that conversation because it gave me confidence. Not confidence in myself but in God. Let me explain, this situation is quite unique, you must understand. I don't communicate well. I don't express my emotions or thought pattern as best can be. Needless to say, when it comes to guys, i'm a failure in speech communication, especially cute guys. haha. But what i'm trying to say is that that simple interaction changed my perspective. It has allowed to me engage in conversations with guys. It has allowed me to understand that it's okay to ask hard questions. It's okay to be serious with a person of the opposite sex. You don't always need to talk about the latest NBA stats nor the latest Acura model. After that conversation, i never saw the guy again. how ironic

- Overall, it was an experience never to be forgotten

"There are plusses to making so many friends."

eh, my previous statement by no means hints at the idea that i've suddenly transformed into miss popularity. I think, God has blessed me with many great friendships this past year. Some that cut deep into the roots of my soul. Others, fun and light hearted. Then some, based on the surface. All i cherish and hold precious.

I love the freedom I have in God. Whether it is because I have all this free time to ponder and contemplate, I thank God for what he's done in my life. I'm starting to realize that when my life is center around his goodness and truth, everything else seems meaningless...

do you think God, being so gracious and merciful, could forgive me of the most formidable sin? I think so.

I often enjoy the time of rest that God gives me to recharge and really evaluate my motives for living. I often feel like i'm squandering his valuable talents that he's given to me. Like the prodigal son who runs towards his sensuality to be terminated by eating with the pigs, so do i wish to hunger and starve for the things of God. I'm tired of listlessly wandering through college, not knowing what God has in store for me. He's placed me in strategic areas of fortune, wealth, education, family, most of which prosper. I wonder if this is it.

I wonder if i'm straining towards the right goal. I wonder if going to college at Baylor was the best decision. I speculate whether my grades are a good reflection of what i'm truly capable of. It saddens me that all this thinking may just end up going to waste because it is really none of my concern. I think my mother had passed down her worry trait to me. I worry about these things, man. I worry that God isn't always going to do what's best for me (?!?!). i worry that my life is going to spin out of control if i don't contain myself from my insanity. i worry simply if i'm going to make it through the day. i worry that i'm not being as productive as i should be. i worry that in the next 3-5 years, i'll decide business is not the way to go and i'll switch to engineering (?!?!).

"my worrying is a sign of lack of faith"

i wish God would just smack me into place sometimes. No, i'm serious. I wish he would LITERALLY SMACK me down and put me in my place. Just the other day, i think it was sunday, my cousin asked me how my spiritual life was. The day before that, malachi asked me how i was doing with God. It really got me thinking. What have i been doing? Where was God during my first two semesters at college? Was He recognized? Was He on my lips 24/7? Was He worshipped? I want to say yes to all the questions above, but i would be lying. Of course, like a begging child, i would run to Him when i had a "boo boo" that needed to be patched up. But i failed to honor him by showing my gratitude for his majesty in my life. I've been so caught up "in being everybody's friend" that I got burnt out and failed miserably in my dates with God. I think i stood him up way to many times.

There are plusses to making so many friends. I've grown somewhat dependent. Not quite to the extent of some of my friends. But i've learned to trust a little easier. I'm also learning not to judge. I'm learning to be open to people. Not necessarily to be open to new opportunities to try new things. But to accept people as the way they are. i admit. I have my own set of ideas of what or how a person should be. But who am I to be "God" bleh. me and my tendencies. So i'm also learning to back off. and not be so cynical and critical of others. People say that i'm a great listener....i don't really think so. What's a listener good for, if they can't give advice. I need to work on my listening skills, especially when it comes to listening to God and discerning his voice from mine.

i've reverted back to my "streams of consciousness" entries. I'm tired of always having to reread what i wrote. it's tedious. =)

I think what I have below is a good explanation of relationships...with the opposite sex.

3:16 pm - Guys and Girls: Clearing up the confusion
OK I'll break it down for all of you who argue with me when I go off on my speeches about girls and guys:

FIRST of all, all GIRLS are EVIL.
This is a fact and don't get mad, just take it, its ok.

SECOND of all, all GUYS are RETARDED.
This is also a fact, but most of us would agree, right?

MOST IMPORTANTLY though, girls don't choose to be evil, and guys don't choose to be retarded.

Further explanation:
Girls are evil for two reasons: Girls are evil because they attract guys. You're probably like, but that's not their fault. True. Nonetheless, guys are attracted to girls - and because guys are drawn to girls so easily and powerfully, girls are evil. Guys can't help it. In fact, the more a girl doesn't realize she's evil, the more evil she is. The second reason girls are evil: Girls are always questioning motives. Not always a bad thing, but its bad when they always do.
Guys, on the other hand, are just plain retarded. We are crude, perverted, insensitive, selfish, and we make bad decisions that apply to girls. We say the wrong things at the wrong time, and do exactly what we shouldn't have done at that crucial point, or at least, that crucial point to the girl. What makes guys ultimately dumb, however, is that we can't stop being drawn to women, and that is our ultimate downfall.

KEY POINT: There are exceptions.

Pulling it all TOGETHER:
FACT: guys will like girls with or without the girl's consent. Girls will like guys that "treat them right." Most guys are too dumb to "treat a girl right." Guys that DO treat a girl right (the exceptions) cause the girl to question his motives. This suspicion pulls her away, and she turns to guys that don't treat her right, but don't break the pattern of how guys should act. Guys that treat girls right, don't get the girl, and girls get hurt by guys that don't deserve the girl.

Girls are bitter because they feel like they trusted a guy and he let them down. They* withdraw themselves from other guys and they'll never find the guy that they can really trust.

Guys are bitter because they can't figure out why girls want a good guy, but then don't trust him when he does nice things. How can he make a girl happy?

Bottom Line: It works when a guy finds that girl with his vibe, and treats her right. From there, the girl trusts him and gives feedback. In other words, it takes an exception guy with an exception girl.

BTW: By "exceptions" I don't mean a guy that is an exception. I mean specific cases. A stupid dumb guy, could still have an exceptional case, where he is good for the girl. vice versa with "girls are* evil".

~Jeff

to see its original source, go here.

oohh. got back from the gym. feels really nice. sweaty and gross. =D

So, urm. Summer has been relaxing so far. Just been bumming around for the most part. Been spending a great deal of time with my family, especially Michael. Andy is usually working or involved with New Life. My daddy is going to China on Sunday. And my mom is busy with work as usual. Coming back home made me realize how much i really did miss my parents and my brothers and of course, tigger. But most of all, i did miss Michael the most. He teaches me a lot on patience and compromising...shh... don't tell him i said that =)

by the by, I want to go to Six Flags...wherever. Houston? Dallas? San Antonio? I just wanna see you guys. Let's get together...yeah. yeah. yeah.

OH! and does anyone wanna go see Josh Groban in CONCERT? He's going to be in Houston on August 14th. Please! Someone COME! I'm desparate!

My cousin bloody updated? wow, who'da thunk.

anyway, so, i'm sitting here feeling all sorry for myself, not really making much out of anything. an epiphany just occured to me...who the freaking cares...

i know. i know. I have problems. I need to deal with it in the most sophisticated manner. I am tired of overanalyzing the situation, circumstances, consequences, and what not. i wish i could somehow numb my pain and depression away. I'm not asking for sympathy nor pity. I am getting it out there into the internet abyss.

I don't talk because there is no need to. Who needs to talk when you've got an online journal? right? am i right?

But yeah, i probably need to consult with God about my emotions. Maybe, I'm just being stubborn. I want this feeling of loneliness to linger just a bit longer to understand where it is coming from. Cause i know God provides the comfort i need. Yeah, pride.

Oh yeah, never talked about Rec Week. It was truly a God thing. I had a good time with brothers and sisters at IV. I love that natural bond that you have with those that are free in Christ even if you just met. You guys just come together with the same purpose and drive to love God and serve without inhibitions, or at least close to none. The one big thing that I got out of it was the fact that we got closer as a fellowship. We came together as a body and goofed off (majority of the time) but still collaborated to get the job done. We were able to pray for each other. We ate together. We worshipped together. We learned together. It was great. I learned the importance of a community and the importance of the body with many parts. Next year, all of us are going to working specific areas of the fellowship, and i can't wait to see what God has in store for each of us. Especially for what each of us have to offer to the fellowship. With our time, energy, and most likely, money put into it, I know that God will work miracles. I wait in eager expectation. i definitely love the time i spend with the girls. Each are so beautiful in their own way. I love Kristina for her sensitive heart and her carefree spirit. I love Hanna for her gentle heart to listen and sustaining strong heart. I love Mika for her sweet, caring nature and her selfless acts of kindness.

Overall, it was a good chance for us to bond and refresh ourselves in the presence of God.

I say, "boo on boys."

bah.

for the first time in my life, I seriously wonder if there really is that ONE person you will spend the rest of eternity with. In the past, i didn't doubt that God had someone in store for me. In fact, i recall having full assurance that God will provide someone suitable for me as a potential husband, excuse me, a bonafide ascertained husband. With the events that have ocurred in the last two weeks, i have fallen off my balance beam and came crashing down into oblivion. My world is a bit on the tipsy side. I am confused, a bit worried, but mostly, sad.

"I'll get over it." I've said it a thousand times this last semester. I use the avoidance tactic to relieve myself of any problematic situation. I will proceed if there are no further objections.

[sigh]

It is during this time of year that i become quite sentimental and emotional. It's a time where things come to end as the school year comes to a pause and the summer begins. This year had many firsts and many lasts. Too busy to elaborate, but i was just speculating...I've grown without knowing it.

Praise God.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish?"

dah! i must restrain myself from watching these romantic chick flicks! I find myself more and more vulnerable each time. Why does the movie industry have to make love seem so simple when it's really not. I just watched Love Actually.

I hate it.

You selected Words of Affirmation: 5 times
You selected Quality Time: 10 times
You selected Giving/Receiving Gifts: 0 times
You selected Acts of Service: 11 times
You selected Physical Touch: 4 times

So, I ended staying up until 5, studying for psychology. Sweet Apphia allowed me to study at her place. Thanks! Along with the test, I had two other quizzes. I bombed my QBA quiz, simply because i didn't do half of it. I completely forgot to study the one portion that was straight from the worksheet she had given to us. I had even told Tommy to study it! And to top it off, I am sick... once again. I feel horrible. I don't want to do anything. Don't want to go anywhere. I just want to cry away my pain.

*sniff sniff

[sigh] There are so many reasons why I wish I could go back in time.

Who: Robbie Seay!
Where: University Baptist Church; 1701 Dutton Street; Waco, TX 76706
When: 8 p.m.
How much: $5
Why?: BECAUSE THEY ROCK!!!!

So yesterday, I met Cindy. Cindy is Jairo's friend. They are in Delta Sig together. So back to meeting Cindy, met her at lunch. Introduced myself. Small talked. I asked her if Jairo was a playboy. She said, "well, look at him..." (teehee, that was a good laugh). The gang laughed. She asked about Highland. She told me about Antioch and life group. Invited me to go. I, having the obsessive compulsive tendency to say yes, simply said yes.

So today, out on a TOTAL whim, went to her life group!

[man, i seriously need to consult my mind before I say stuff.]

I enjoyed it. Meeting new people has always been fun for me. I love it.

Schedule 4/20
8:00 - Theater
9:00 - Breakfast
9:30 - Logic
11:00 - Study Psy
12:00 - Meet with Jen
1:00 to 2:30 - Study Psy
2:45 - Gym
3:30 - Shower
4:00 - Bible Study
5:00 - Study Psy
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Study Psy
7:30 - GIG
8:15 - Welcome Week Meeting
10:00 - Walk
10:30 to [the time I die] - Study Psy

"i gave her my heart...and she gave me a pen." Lloyd from Say Anything

Garden State

yesterday, we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. New favorite on my list of movies. I absolutely adored it. I just loved the artistic motifs and elaborate cinematography. At the same time, it struck a chord in my heart...

I already want to go see it again.

So yeah, i'm here in waco while most everybody is back home. I've been preoccupying myself with work that i don't necessarily need to do, but it would be for my benefit to do so. Urm, yeah. Apphia called me in the afternoon, telling me that she was back in town and wanted to eat dinner with me. She also told me DIANE was visiting! So i expected just the three of us to go eat dinner. Well, She comes and picks me up around 7:30. I see Diane in the front seat, and another person in the backseat. I assumed it was her brother or someone. So, i opened the door and i greeted Diane with a scream and said hello to Apphia. And then i looked to my left. This girl presents her hand and says, "hi, i'm hannah"

*grace screams* AHHHHH

IT'S HANNAH! I roomed with hannah at Urbana! it was sooo wild. I was soo happy to see her! *gleams

Dinner was great. Hannah shared her testimony. She speaks so passionately. I love it. Then Diane shared her experiences in Juarez, powerful stories of healing, prayer, and community. I missed them soo much.

hrm, let's see.

hola. so...

A little update, shall we?

- 5 weeks left of the semester
- Easter weekend -- *shrugs*
- JSA Formal -- not sure if i'm going, want to have a date so cheaper price
- MSO Banquet -- don't want to miss AFC, may be mandatory
- Finals -- start studying NOW. LIKE ASAP

I went to Race for the Cure and Steppin' Out. I had fun. Oh man, 6:30 in the morning. That was killer. I don't know how I managed to wake up during my years in high school. Speaking of lack of sleep, i'm going to go take a nap now.

I fare thee well. Parting is such sweet sorrow...

it's really interesting how you can only interact with certain people. There's bound to be someone that you just click with, and then, there are others who have the tendency to rub you the wrong way. I tried to adopt this idea of getting along with everybody and anybody ever since i understood social interaction. That there had to be something that we (that person and I) can connect on a certain level. My theory is somewhat at fault. My conclusion is still in progress.

Hanna and I went to CPR class yesterday. It was tedious and repetitive. aiyah. 6 hours of my life was spent in the same room watching a movie with dummies. I mean, I passed the test. I made new acquaintances. I just wished I had been sleeping instead. Afterwards, we walked across campus to Pizza Hut. We talked about random stuff. But the one thing i remember was that she asked me something. She asked me, "Why don't you talk, Grace? I mean, you tell me stuff when I ask you questions. But I've never heard you talk."

I gave her a series of excuses:
- my dad
- limited friends in high school
- seeming ignorant, foolish, dumb, idiotic, etc.

...But it boils down to the fact that i just don't have much to say. I wish I could tell you that i was an interesting person. Yet, I don't even know that. I have and will say this again: I lost a sense of myself.

Maybe Ashley Christian was right: I am boring.

Thank you for those in the past that have asked me why i am so quiet, why i don't talk that much. I didn't think you noticed.

Friday
- bombed my psychology test
- went to Hillsboro on the way to Dallas
- ate pho with Zoe, Eva, Peter, Samuel, Daniel, Jenni, and Andrew

Saturday
- Stonebriar
- Eva's place for Korean dramas in Chinese
- korean food for dinner...soo goood

Sunday
- worship at Dallas Chinese Fellowship Church
- dim sum at Lucky house (?)
- Java - Rasberry Tea, Chess
- Nap at Eva's
- Elf
- Korean dramas in Chinese

Monday
- Awaji
- Dunkin' Donuts
- Adventure Golf, Batting Cages
- Eva's fried rice for dinner [yum]

The weekend was nice. I enjoyed it very much so. Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcomed. I felt really special. It was great how each day, we spent it with someone new. On Saturday, it was Daniel who went to Stonebriar and dinner with us. Sunday - met up with Gracie at church and Java. Monday - Pham to eat lunch, watch us play putt putt and batting cages.

good times. good times...

[Coming home]

I realize why I don't come home that often...i belong to a dysfunctional family. Yeah, I believe that. It is taking me awhile to accept it, but I'm learning to love the fact.

My dad is mad at me. My brother likes to argue with me. My mom is hardly home. My other brother can't seem to find himself, and among other things intermingling with the fact that our family lives on lies. We all put up fronts of who we truly are to appease each other. It's been like this since I've had a memory.

I also want to address why I am the way I am
- I am indecisive. The reason: I've never been able to hold on to my own opinions and subjective thought. It has always been shot down by the male species of our family. I got tired of fighting so I let them have their way without speaking mine. Not to say that others are indecisive due to family circumstances, it just happen to be like that for me.

- My compulsive tendency to say "yes" even when I don't want to. I would be disciplined whenever I refused to do something I didn't want to do. "Disciplined" is a euphemism for being beat. The consequences were never once positive, needless to say. Those were the times when I felt as if my father least loved me. He didn't want me to say no. He would express his disappointment through his anger. Somehow, and I'm sure it is very valid...i apply it to everybody. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants to be said "no" to. Even if i am not in the mood, don't feel like it, or just downright uncomfortable...i will say yes, isn't that pitiful?

- My silent, quiet nature. [sigh] what can i say?

These 3 are things that make up a "pushover". I wish it wasn't so. But I do find myself lost in the abyss of college life. Again, I've lost my sight. Please guide me home.

When do you come to the point of complete and utter surrender to God?

I do want to surrender all to God. I know and have complete confidence that God is holding me in His hands. Therefore, he is control of everything. He has my plans intermingled with His plan. His plan for me is for my best interest and for the betterment of my life. Then why am i so afraid of giving up certain things that are causing me to stumble? If i really and truly trust God then giving up the nonsense of the world should be easy. =/

What have i been up to?

I have been doing my best to keep up with my work, trying to get ahead in all my classes.
I have been making a great deal of friends in and out of AFC.
I have been trying to devote everything to God.
I have been so busy that i'm physically and emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

how's that for generalizations?!

Beautiful Day

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In a maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me love
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China, right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have, you don't need it now
What you don't know, you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day

--------------

I must say it was a gorgeous day yesterday. I was reminded of the song above as I was walking to class. Soaking and basking in the beautiful and glorious sun. ahh, so nice.

You know, i've noticed that i am quite ignorant. I even go as far as to say that i feel like a simpleton at times. Robert and Zoe may not think so, but i do. There so many things that i am just totally naive about. It's quite sad how little i know.

I think I've lost a part of myself. I have been so caught up in establishing friendships and relationships with people that i've been giving a piece of me each time. It's been awhile since I've had time to energize on my own. To sit back and absorb the blessings of God. Cause, you know, life (i.e. college) goes by so fast. It takes effort to slow it down a bit. These are the times i miss high school. My parents brought back my sanity after class ended at 2:36. They brought me down to earth and showed me reality for what its worth. Sometimes, i wish my parents were here to nag and discipline me...because it shows that they care. I'm doing things out of my own accord. And i really don't think what I'm doing right now is furthering my career or furthering the Kingdom of God. I'm just stagnant.

But yeah, urm. For future reference, i apologize if i am aloof or standoff-ish. It's just a habit. snap your fingers at me, poke me, or scream at me to bring me back into reality. The Ecuadorians are great at doing that. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAENA~! 19 years old! Hope you have a great year and i pray that God just blesses you with his gracious gifts. =D

here i go again...

greetings.

i'm at the sub. i am filling out a questionnaire. i think i have the biggest headache known to man. richard just swung by. i am at loss for words. i am hungry again. can't wait until i get to sleep. grateful for the bible study. i love people. i love Jesus. i love God.

what motivates me to serve Christ, my love for him? or his love for me?

Jesus, King of Angels by Fernando Ortega

Jesus King of angels heaven's light
Shine Your face upon this house tonight
Let no evil come into my dreams
Light of heaven keep me in Your peace
Remind me how You made dark spirits flee
And spoke Your power to the raging sea
And spoke Your mercy to a sinful man
Remind me Jesus this is what I am

The universe is vast beyond the stars
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me and bind me

With all my heart I love You Sovereign Lord
Tomorrow let me love You even more
And rise to speak the goodness of Your name
Until I close my eyes and sleep again

The universe is vast beyond the stars
But You are mindful when the sparrow falls
And mindful of the anxious thoughts
That find me, surround me and bind me

Jesus King of angels heaven's light
Hold my hand and keep me through this night

...a lullaby for the weary.

My apologies to the world. I haven't been sincere. I love you with my falliable heart. But, Jesus loves you more than you can imagine.

Tonight, Campus Crusade had a Q&A session about "what a guy wants." I want to list some questions and general answers that I got out of it.

What turns guys on?
her relationship with Christ: All the guys on the panel were Christian and actively pursuing the things of God. So, they find that their girl needs to be actively seeking after God and has a heart to serve God. Apparently, when they see that a girl loves God with her utmost, they see her very attractive.
What turns guys off?
superficiality - "dress to impress": The girls that do dress to show off only shows her insecurity. "No matter how less you dress, it doesn't show more of who you are." The guys really felt that the substance of a woman was her character and her personality and who she was as a person. They were one in saying how girls that show too much have a sense of needing attention. Therefore, a lack of security.
girls trying too hard: With girls' flirtacious tendencies, one guy felt as if they are trying to hard to catch his attention. There's no need to make such an effort to get a guy's attention. There are other means. For instance, talking to him, getting to know him, or simply being around him within a group setting.
What are the qualities that guys want in a girl?
confidence in her inward/outward beauty: a girl that has security in who she is and is very stable as a being.
a love for family: has a genuine heart for caring for her family reflects how she is with her man.
What do guys think about flirting? or what is flirting from a guy's point of view?
"singling out a guy/girl": Spending a great amount of time with one of the opposite sex.
Should girls initiate the relationship?
NO. guys wear the pants of the relationship. It was unanimous that the guys felt as if the girl SHOULD NOT pursue the relationship because all it means is that the guy is a "wuss weenie" and unable to be the leader of the relationship. If the girl actively engages, the role of the leader is reversed and it sets the tone of it. The guy usually becomes passive and the girl becomes frustrated and the relationship crumbles.
What defines dating?
Exclusiveness that heads into the direction of marriage, simply put. All the guys felt as if the term "dating" leads to marriage because there was really no point in dating for "fun" once in college.

the Q&A was 2 hours but it was sooo worth it. It was really nice to be exposed to what relationships are all about, considering I never really discussed it in high school. But ever since i've come to college, we never stop talking about the opposite sex and relationships and dating and yada yada yada. It's really made me put into perspective about where my heart is for God and to really think about my priorities and what I want in a man...and all that jazz.

This past V-day was great. I was able to get away from school for the weekend in a looooonnngg time. I got the chance to reevaluate a lot of things in my life. My priorities, my work, and especially my relationships. Not only with my girlfriends, but the friends I've made with the opposite sex. It is so intriguing how people work. We're woven into creatures that are inexplicably remarkable. I love that about humanity. I praise God that I've been formed so differently than the people around me. And i continue to marvel at God's work in all of us.

Though, I did hear some fantastic stories about Battle of the Sexes, CPR training, adventures in Kileen, and clubbing at Grahams. I wish I could have been at two places at one time.

anyone willing to take me to austin next weekend?

you're reign is my desire.

Your Kingdom come, Your will be done.

please God. please God.

save me from my iniquities. i don't deserve you. i really don't. break me. shatter my pride. extinguish my anxiety.

a new layout. i ripped it off of blogskins. hehe. Yeah, i lack motivation and creativity to publish my own work of design.

So, here's an update. I am well. I am easily tired. I have great professors and classes. I am in two small groups. I have been 19 for 27 days. Urm, my first exam for the semester is on monday (pray for me). And I've been learning a lot about myself that I wish I hadn't but am grateful nonetheless....

...because i realize that God reveals things to me for a purpose. For me to learn about who I am in Christ. I am entitled to know who God has made me to be, especially who God has made me to be in Christ. I want to fall deeper in love with my Savior. To the point where I view him as the lover of my deepest most inner parts.

tis a new year, and i'm ready for the worst. booyah baby!!

okay, it does seem as if i've disappeared on the face of the earth. I managed to not blog for an ENTIRE month!! wow, new record. I should do it more often. The blog fast was a good thing for me.

So, out of all the things i wanted to accomplish, the one I wanted most didn't happen. More genuine alone time with God. I mean, I definitely feel as if God has renewed my spirit, but I just want to be more intimate with him. So I continue to hope and pray for a deeper, meaningful relationship with my God, my King.

I was reminded of the way I viewed God. I have shamefully lowered his status to a human. I disrespected him. I used his name in vain. Our Lord, deserves to be treated like a King. He deserves all praises. If I can't even offer my life to him, what good am i, as a servant? Geez, oh man, oh man.

There was this one night when my dad had told me that I show disrespect when I talk back to him. Afterwards, I was like maaan, if I do that to my earthly father, what about my GOD? what about the One who provides EVERYTHING for me? Who shaped the earth? Who made humanity out of his image? Have I done that? Do I do that? Oh my. If I treat my ba-ba with such belittle-ling gestures, I must do worse to my Heavenly Father who I cannot see with my human eyes.

I want to be obedient. I learned that obedience is a great act of love. If only I can be obedient to God. I want to be obedient to God.

It seems as though i've been misdirected in the last year. I've fallen into that deep hole of trying to dig myself out but i only manage to push myself harder into the ground. If God knows everything, if all things are directed to His will, then who am i to control my future? If I just lean into God, all things fall into place.

So, I must conclude with this thought, God is unseen because it is by faith, we stand firm.