things i will never understand.

- why the grass turns yellow once it's winter
- why young basketball players make more money than my mom does
- why the government does nothing about the poor
- why out of all of the days in the year, only 13 days is given for vacation
- why my father criticizes me
- why teachers give so much work in such little time
- why boys break girls hearts
- why each time i cry, my soul becomes more wary of the world

side note: please do forgive me for sounding so terribly sad and sappy. However, i can't hide it. this is the only way i know how to express myself, my blog. this last year has been one of the most trying years i've had in awhile for a number of reasons.

Perhaps one of the reasons why blogs go on hiatus is to hide the fact that life is going so well for them. I don't know. I keep coming back to this place in abyss hoping for salvation. God is my salvation, i know. But a little part of me, the doubtful part mind you, questions if God hears me at all. My parents say i'm stubborn as hell. Maybe too stubborn to heed their noteworthy advice of attempting to be happy. And so, i'm stuck. I'm stuck here where there is no daylight, wandering for a shadow somewhere that leads to a glimmer of brightness.

let's face it, i'm a sad fool.

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

i have three options:

save face and try harder
or
pick a new major
or
pick a new university

daaaahhh.

1 down, 3 to gooo....

i don't want to study anymore. Finance stabbed me, cut me into pieces, threw me into the fire, and after the fire settled, stomped on what was left of me.

so sad.

oppa

i miss oppa.

it was around this time last year that i started to like him. I remember studying in the InfoCommons with him and Hanna and one other guy. He kept asking me who i liked. At the time, i was still recovering from a psuedo heartbreak and i liked the attention that i was getting from oppa.

i knew that i was going to have trouble getting past my bitterness from the heartache. At the same time, i couldn't help this affinity i had developed. I remember i spent an entire night with him and a couple of other friends. We were at the library, we ate dinner together, we went to watch a movie, and went out for another midnight snack.

In some ways, i wish you were here. I wish you were here as i look at the couples holding hands. I can have that. But i can't because you really are so far away.

Maybe this is for the best. This distance. It strengthens us.

dream, full of frustration

i had a dream that sums up how i feel over the last week.

frustration.

I tripped out against everyone i knew in my dream, AFC, ASA, friends, everyone. I threw the biggest tantrum, yelling and screaming. I was completely uninhibited. I was being stubborn and lashed out against everyone that has done me wrong.

wow. i'm internally violent.

can't you see?

can't you see?
my heart is breaking
every second that we're apart
all i want is for it
to all work out in the end

can't you hear?
the words i love you,
to greet you with a kiss
only to find that
i'm greeting the cold air
with nonsensical words

can't you see?
how i long for
intimacy
how i long for
transparency

oh how i wish you could see
these tears that fall
each day for you
oh how i wish you could hear
these songs that i sing
every moment for you

oh
that's right
you can't see
because how invisible am i
to you

i n vi s i bl e