beginning of last semester, my life seem to turn towards the greater mark of a parenthesis.
but it has become void of meaning.
it is worse than i expected.
life is boring.
I think, then, at this point, i begin to psychoanalyze why i feel this way. it's because i don't hear from God anymore. it's because i'm depressed. it's because i don't have any friends. it's because i'm not in school. it's because my relationship with my parents are on the rocks. it's because my relationships, in general, are on the rocks. it's because i don't hear from God anymore...
Now why? why, grace? I thought you were semi-spiritual. I mean you talk about God. You praise God in your blogs. You go to church. You lead bible study. You own a bible. You pray, don't you?
...don't you?
I was driving one day. And i began to pray. I prayed for a miracle. It didn't happen. I prayed for salvation in the life of one of my friends. I don't know if that happened, no evidence to verify. Then i realized. I've become my own worst nightmare, i've turned into one of those people who turn to God because i want something. My prayers have grown self-absorbed, conceited, and prideful. How can that be? I only turn to God because i want him to do something for my benefit. Whether it's to make me look better or to help my situations.
i want to be selfless.
i want the content of my parentheses to have meaning.
but how? please help.
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Saturday, May 14, 2005
Reflections.
We went to Cheddar's on Wednesday. I don't remember if it was Richard or Haena, but one of the them made a comment about people changing after they get into a relationship.
That got me to thinking. Have i changed?
I look back and a part of me wants to believe that i've stayed true to my core. To think that i'm the same person coming into college up until now?
i've also been having random thoughts about leadership. Doubts, if you will. Have you ever had those times where you regret, knowing you could have handle situations differently and better?
click here. it seems he'll explain things better than i ever could.
That got me to thinking. Have i changed?
I look back and a part of me wants to believe that i've stayed true to my core. To think that i'm the same person coming into college up until now?
i've also been having random thoughts about leadership. Doubts, if you will. Have you ever had those times where you regret, knowing you could have handle situations differently and better?
click here. it seems he'll explain things better than i ever could.
Friday, May 13, 2005
major bumage.
man, i'm such a bum when i come home. I need to start making to-do lists or something to keep my time occupied.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Dedications
Apphia - i adore you! My Baylor experience has been great because of you. I love that you are a delight to be with. You always seem to know how to brighten my day, by singing a song, making a face, pinching my cheeks or praying for me, asking how i am doing, and simply loving me. I thank God for you Apphia. You are so humble and i can see your love for God resonate through your life.
Jessie - You rock my socks off. Out of all the girls here, i think you are ultimately the coolest. You're so laid back that i question even if i came from california. You have this great ability to look at situations and take the best out of it. I remember i was soo bummed out about volleyball but you stayed and cheered me up.
Andrew - My true older brother. Oye, we've been through a lot. You frustrate me half the time, but i know that deep down you love me. hehe. You've taught me to be responsbile for my actions and fess up to them. Regardless of the crap, i know that you are my friend, always. You have a gift of taking care of people and drawing people near to you. You care for people so much that it freaks me out, but it's definitely God-given.
Aaron - geez. what can i say. You are Aaron. i think you're special. SPECIAL-ED. teehee. no, but Aaron is truly a humble guy. He has been such an encouragement since we've been on leadership. I can see that God has a true grasp on your heart.
Richard - My older bro. I do believe i'll miss our talks on Accounting. Richard is one of a kind. A true soldier to say the least. I still don't believe that you'll be sitting in a cubicle, filling out tax forms for people, but hey, whatever God wants, right? But Richard has a devotion that is phenomenal. He makes God so real in his life, that he makes it real for me.
Ron - the man of two words. hehe. Ron is truly a leader. His love for God is so astounding, it's scary sometimes. I'll always remember the time you consoled me for locking my keys in my trunk (hangs head). It was so simple but it had such a great impact. Your love for God and for people truly amazes me.
Hanna - HAANNAA, my dearest friend. We've been through a lot these last two years. We've grown apart and come close again and again. You've taught me how to express myself and to be myself without fear. You are free-spirited and have a such a strong will. At the same time, i can see that you're growing each day towards God's will. I can't wait to live with you next year, it's going to be awesome.
Kristina - Kris! You are so sweet, caring, beautiful, courageous, strong, humble, and gentle hearted. I have not met anyone like you nor do i think i ever will. I love our late night talks, even the one that lasted until 5 in the morning! Thanks for always being there to pray for me and love me in my most vulnerable moments. You truly are the epitome of friend and sister.
Peter - Peter is everyone's older brother. Thanks for always being there to be a leader. I know that i can count on you to bring everyone together and have everyone's attention because frankly, everyone respects Peter. You have a gift of teaching and encouragement. You always know what to say and have such eloquence in saying it. You have a genuine care about people and that amazes me.
Zoe - My dear sister! Man, you are truly awesome. I love your vulnerability. I cherish the times where you've come to me talk about life or your day. You are so teachable and humble and caring and sweet and list goes on and on. Your joy for life is astounding and has this great effect on people especially me. I hope that God continues to strengthen our relationship into the next year.
Mika - what can i say about this girl? SOO many things! i've seen you grow so much in God and your innocence is wonderful. You inspire me to be a better person. I know that i can always count on you to be there for me to be silly or to talk about life. I can't imagine life without you!
Eva - Nu'er-ah! my sweetie. You have such a giving heart. You're always there to help and take care of people. I know for a fact that whenever i need anything, i can turn to you. At the same time, you are so strong. You have your own mind and am not afraid to speak it.
Jennifer - My Jenjen! Our relationship is so obscure, yet so lovely. I'm so thankful God placed you in my life to keep me accountable in my ways. Yeah, we hardly see each other, but when we do, we have so much to talk about as if we've been lifelong friends. You are so down-to-earth and silly and beautiful and so true to your heart. You never cease to amaze me.
Michael Pham - Pham! this guy is awesome. he cooks! enough said. When a man knows how to cook, he'll succeed in life. Or at least have a very lucky girl. haha. Pham is a man after God's own heart. i love our random conversations in the middle of the night on aim. We can be silly one minute, reminiscing about napoleon dynamite and the next minute, spill our guts about being the scum of the earth and how we need God to send down his wrath to straighten us up.
Elaine - this girl rocks. She's taught me to live life more openly as well as fearlessly. I love it that she makes me feel so comfortable when i'm around her. I can always be truthful with her, even though i know she doesn't necessarily want to hear it. She is probably one of the first people that i've gotten really real with. She has a genuine care for people. Oh! and she is probably the most responsible chick i know. You are to be admired, Elaine.
Phuong - This girl is my girl. I love her so much. I remember the late night talks we had about relationships and God. I still can't forget that one night when i went to your room last year for a sleepover. I thank you for your caring heart and the ways you've comforted me in my most weakest moments. I love you for loving me. You have a strong heart and will. I see God in you, working and kneading in places unimaginable.
Haena - Your joy makes me happy, that's all i can say. You are a great storyteller. I love your stories and how excited you get whenever you get the chance to share. I will never forget the times when we stayed up late talking about life or relationships. I hope that i continue to grow closer with you within the next year. This girl is also so carefree, open, and honest. I love it.
Robert - oppa~! We've come so far. I can't get over the fact that i got to know you so well in the last 6 months. Your foresight into the future amazes me. I don't know anyone else that has the gift of seeing into the future. hehe. You are a true gentleman. I still remember the night where you stayed up late to keep us company even though you didn't have to, and this was even before i really got to know you. I'm excited about this summer. i hope that our relationship continues to flourish in God.
Jessie - You rock my socks off. Out of all the girls here, i think you are ultimately the coolest. You're so laid back that i question even if i came from california. You have this great ability to look at situations and take the best out of it. I remember i was soo bummed out about volleyball but you stayed and cheered me up.
Andrew - My true older brother. Oye, we've been through a lot. You frustrate me half the time, but i know that deep down you love me. hehe. You've taught me to be responsbile for my actions and fess up to them. Regardless of the crap, i know that you are my friend, always. You have a gift of taking care of people and drawing people near to you. You care for people so much that it freaks me out, but it's definitely God-given.
Aaron - geez. what can i say. You are Aaron. i think you're special. SPECIAL-ED. teehee. no, but Aaron is truly a humble guy. He has been such an encouragement since we've been on leadership. I can see that God has a true grasp on your heart.
Richard - My older bro. I do believe i'll miss our talks on Accounting. Richard is one of a kind. A true soldier to say the least. I still don't believe that you'll be sitting in a cubicle, filling out tax forms for people, but hey, whatever God wants, right? But Richard has a devotion that is phenomenal. He makes God so real in his life, that he makes it real for me.
Ron - the man of two words. hehe. Ron is truly a leader. His love for God is so astounding, it's scary sometimes. I'll always remember the time you consoled me for locking my keys in my trunk (hangs head). It was so simple but it had such a great impact. Your love for God and for people truly amazes me.
Hanna - HAANNAA, my dearest friend. We've been through a lot these last two years. We've grown apart and come close again and again. You've taught me how to express myself and to be myself without fear. You are free-spirited and have a such a strong will. At the same time, i can see that you're growing each day towards God's will. I can't wait to live with you next year, it's going to be awesome.
Kristina - Kris! You are so sweet, caring, beautiful, courageous, strong, humble, and gentle hearted. I have not met anyone like you nor do i think i ever will. I love our late night talks, even the one that lasted until 5 in the morning! Thanks for always being there to pray for me and love me in my most vulnerable moments. You truly are the epitome of friend and sister.
Peter - Peter is everyone's older brother. Thanks for always being there to be a leader. I know that i can count on you to bring everyone together and have everyone's attention because frankly, everyone respects Peter. You have a gift of teaching and encouragement. You always know what to say and have such eloquence in saying it. You have a genuine care about people and that amazes me.
Zoe - My dear sister! Man, you are truly awesome. I love your vulnerability. I cherish the times where you've come to me talk about life or your day. You are so teachable and humble and caring and sweet and list goes on and on. Your joy for life is astounding and has this great effect on people especially me. I hope that God continues to strengthen our relationship into the next year.
Mika - what can i say about this girl? SOO many things! i've seen you grow so much in God and your innocence is wonderful. You inspire me to be a better person. I know that i can always count on you to be there for me to be silly or to talk about life. I can't imagine life without you!
Eva - Nu'er-ah! my sweetie. You have such a giving heart. You're always there to help and take care of people. I know for a fact that whenever i need anything, i can turn to you. At the same time, you are so strong. You have your own mind and am not afraid to speak it.
Jennifer - My Jenjen! Our relationship is so obscure, yet so lovely. I'm so thankful God placed you in my life to keep me accountable in my ways. Yeah, we hardly see each other, but when we do, we have so much to talk about as if we've been lifelong friends. You are so down-to-earth and silly and beautiful and so true to your heart. You never cease to amaze me.
Michael Pham - Pham! this guy is awesome. he cooks! enough said. When a man knows how to cook, he'll succeed in life. Or at least have a very lucky girl. haha. Pham is a man after God's own heart. i love our random conversations in the middle of the night on aim. We can be silly one minute, reminiscing about napoleon dynamite and the next minute, spill our guts about being the scum of the earth and how we need God to send down his wrath to straighten us up.
Elaine - this girl rocks. She's taught me to live life more openly as well as fearlessly. I love it that she makes me feel so comfortable when i'm around her. I can always be truthful with her, even though i know she doesn't necessarily want to hear it. She is probably one of the first people that i've gotten really real with. She has a genuine care for people. Oh! and she is probably the most responsible chick i know. You are to be admired, Elaine.
Phuong - This girl is my girl. I love her so much. I remember the late night talks we had about relationships and God. I still can't forget that one night when i went to your room last year for a sleepover. I thank you for your caring heart and the ways you've comforted me in my most weakest moments. I love you for loving me. You have a strong heart and will. I see God in you, working and kneading in places unimaginable.
Haena - Your joy makes me happy, that's all i can say. You are a great storyteller. I love your stories and how excited you get whenever you get the chance to share. I will never forget the times when we stayed up late talking about life or relationships. I hope that i continue to grow closer with you within the next year. This girl is also so carefree, open, and honest. I love it.
Robert - oppa~! We've come so far. I can't get over the fact that i got to know you so well in the last 6 months. Your foresight into the future amazes me. I don't know anyone else that has the gift of seeing into the future. hehe. You are a true gentleman. I still remember the night where you stayed up late to keep us company even though you didn't have to, and this was even before i really got to know you. I'm excited about this summer. i hope that our relationship continues to flourish in God.
April Mayhem.
Every weekend in April was packed. I have been going nonstop listlessly. Oye. But many pictures. Some, from other people's albums. Enjoy! (Trip to Six Flags (4/23) not included)
Steppin' Out (4/2): it was a lot of fun. Me and Aileen were joking around the whole time. We shared a bond in being lazy and letting everyone else do the labor.
Stompfest (4/9): As of right now, i feel Stomp-deprived. It's not the same when you don't see the people you've been practicing for months with. In a matter of minutes, all of our hard work had paid off. It rocked. We had been stifled, for sure.
Semiformal (4/16): Julia, Jessie, and Apphia lookin' pretty.
Hongya and Thomas, straight out of GQ.
Me and Robert <3
yay! girls!
1 month (4/21): lovely.
Last Playground Concert (4/29): Robert, Eric, and Anthony.
Triad (Thomas, Steve, and Jason) and me. Woot.
Trip to Austin (4/30): Howie and Jen. CUUUUTE.
Me and Robert. SURPRISE! He looks funny.
Jen and I. =)
IT'S OVER! The look of delight that the month of APRIL is finally over!
dedications are in process.
Steppin' Out (4/2): it was a lot of fun. Me and Aileen were joking around the whole time. We shared a bond in being lazy and letting everyone else do the labor.
Stompfest (4/9): As of right now, i feel Stomp-deprived. It's not the same when you don't see the people you've been practicing for months with. In a matter of minutes, all of our hard work had paid off. It rocked. We had been stifled, for sure.
Semiformal (4/16): Julia, Jessie, and Apphia lookin' pretty.
Hongya and Thomas, straight out of GQ.
Me and Robert <3
yay! girls!
1 month (4/21): lovely.
Last Playground Concert (4/29): Robert, Eric, and Anthony.
Triad (Thomas, Steve, and Jason) and me. Woot.
Trip to Austin (4/30): Howie and Jen. CUUUUTE.
Me and Robert. SURPRISE! He looks funny.
Jen and I. =)
IT'S OVER! The look of delight that the month of APRIL is finally over!
dedications are in process.
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