saavy?

Saavy will be my new word. Jack Sparrow has inspired me to further my vocabulary into piracy. Saavy?

I love that movie! Have I already said so? Yeah i love it. I will say it again. I love the movie. i'm going to buy it when it comes out and watch it over and over and over again.

I went to the bookstore today. Woohoo! I promised michael I would take him and take him, i did. It only took me a week to fulfill my promise, but michael is a flexible guy. =) But anyway, I checked out some of the magazines. I like Tobey Maguire. He's a good actor. I read about him in Biography and...Elle? well yeah i did. He has the new movie, Seabiscuit (which i saw, I must recommend). He's got a history of baggage on him. It's hard to imagine that actors have to go through life and its trials as well. I guess media portray actors as some sort of idols, that its hard to recognize them as human beings. But anyway, i think he may be on my favorites list, along with Tom Hanks and Hugh Grant.

I also ran into a magazine spotlighting Evanescence. At first, I was kind of "eh" about them because of their mainstream exposure and plus, stupid KRBE keeps playing "Bring me to Life" as if they have no other song to play. Apparently, the band has issues with the Christian Rock Community. They can't decide if Evanescence should be consider Christian, though Amy Lee (the female vocalist of the band) promotes God as "love". Factors are that the group has been known to plug in a few curse words into their language....so Christian stores decides to take the band off their shelves.

I think it sucks. The same thing happened to Lifehouse. They didn't want to be categorized as anything. But their beliefs are their own personal lives. The music is just a gateway for art. It seems ridiculous how the topic of music can be distorted in line with God. Just make sure it doesn't cause you to stumble, is my philosophy.

yay for community pools. boo for children playing in community pools. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I just don't like it when I'm trying to swim the one lane that is for swimmers and i lose my rhythm when little kids play marco polo. I had a good swim, i think. My arms are a bit sore. I guess it's cause it's been like a month and a half since I've swam laps. Okay.

Time for bed. good night, world.

I realized why i didn't have any friends. No one wants to be friends with a fat girl.

I've just experience a new feeling of guilt. For some reason, I feel disgusted with myself when I eat. Afterwards, I feel as if I've hurt my body by eating (period). It's such a weird after effect, you know? Eating is something to be grateful for. It provides energy, health, and is just good for the body. God even promotes eating. The disciples went around villages eating in other people's home. Jesus fed 5000 with a loaf of bread and some fish. Some of the epistles gave instruction on the matter of food. I dunno. Maybe I'm having issues with....(blank)

Another source of guilt is the use of money. I'll admit it, I'm kinda cheap when it comes to buying stuff. I think it happened when I went to China last summer. I just started thinking about saving money in order to go on the trip and the bargain shopping that went on while in China and how everything just seems so expensive, here in the US. I can be quite stingy.

I'm afraid that when I go to college, I would be afraid of eating and spending money. Which may cause detrimental effects to my body. I want to be a good steward of my money and my body. Because everything that's given to me is not really mine. It should be for God. I just hope I don't get myself into trouble.

i miss Wynette and Elaine...

=(

rawrr...

MUST BUY ON DECEMBER 2, 2003!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some odd reason...I'm feeling tremendously vulnerable right now. Perhaps, I'm sick and need to lie down. Or that a huge current of emotion has been eagerly stretched forth within my body. I don't know. I'm just certain that I wish I had someone to share my most fondest memories. Those memories that last forever. They may not be the most pleasant, perhaps even, an excruciating event of trauma and indignity. I just wish I had someone to share with. I've been praying for one since I understood the meaning of acceptance and honesty. It hurts to know that I may be alone for a loong haul.

It doesn't even have to be a guy! I want that feeling of communion again, you know? I got an email from a guy I used to have a crush on. And it tore my heart to pieces, knowing that I may never see him, ever again. I may even be bold to say that I loved him for caring for me as a friend. It hurts. And as for girlfriends, I can't latch onto them even though I try so hard. Sometimes? It is hard for me to just push away my feelings and focus on their problems. I can be quite selfish at times. Is that normal? I'm being so general in my words to you. But I can't really explain it. It's just difficult to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I wish that I could just write words that is at least somewhat coherent. But it ends up being a jumble of mess...stream of consciousness...that's what this is...i suppose.

Perhaps, all this ambiguity is due to the fact that I want to be Snow White, or Sleepy Beauty, or Cinderella, or any princess who had their feet swept away by some prince charming. I live inside this bubble of imagination. I breathe the idea of some kind of divine and magical wonder that I wish would happen to my life. I'm not talking, necessarily about the guy of my dreams (which is a plus), but for everything to just seem right, AT LEAST, some evidence of justification of why I exist. uggh...so i'm left drowning in my tears one more time.

"Dream, love is only in a dream, remember -
Remember life is never as it seems. Dream"

Yes, yes, yes, YES! I am a girl. I watch silly chick flicks as do many other girly girls. I find myself crying at another one. I don't get it. Why do I cry at these mere humans portraying some made-up character?! It's ridiculous! It's ludicrous! But... It's me. The lyrics above are of Harry Nilsson to the song, "Remember", which is included to the soundtrack of "You've Got Mail". For some odd reason, yet agaaain...I find myself crying, with tears, moans, the whole shabang...not knowing why...*sigh*

please help this deranged girl into finding earth once again.

oh, i miss swimming. I haven't swam in like a month or so. The excessive chlorine in the pools is not good for the skin so I stopped going to the gym to swim. You know how people run to get their minds off of things? I swim to get my mind off of things. It helps me relax, big time. I really do need it now.

This weekend has been a whirlwind. I just wanna stay home and sit and relax. And just keep everyone happy. It seems to me that whenever I go out, I want to go home to be there for mike, my dad, or my mom. And when i'm home, I wanna hang with my friends, my peeps, my homies. =) It's just a lose-lose situation, this life of mine.

i wanna do something drastic. Like a piercing of some sort. Perhaps like on my eyebrow or my cartilage. That would be so sweet. OOOh or maybe a tatoo. That would be nice. I want to have stefenee's tattoo. A pink star right on my wrist. Or maybe a dolphin like Charissa on my neck. I dunno. I'm stealing other people's tattoo. Let me think about it some more.

oyee, pain, this pain...it seems so familiar. arrgg. must sit down and blog.

when am I going to find the man of my dreams?! When am I going to find a guy willing to chase me down on his motorcycle?! suxors. Relationships. BAH!

The new Shane and Shane album "Carry Away" ROCKS my world! Go get it!

rekindle my spirit
harness my soul
stretch my being
brighten my eyes
shape my mind
and most importantly, mend my heart.

Again, I woke up with the same song. I don't know why I'm excited. I just seem to wake up on such a good mood. Anyway, I looked back on the posts that I've had within the last two months or so. I haven't really been saying much about how I've been. I suppose it's the idea of I don't want to be personalized to strangers, or even friends, that much anymore. Or perhaps it's the idea that my life has been pretty incomplete without God. Yeah, I talked to my good friend, Larissa about my backsliding and how I don't want to unconsciously or unknowingly put pride before my spiritual growth. I'm beginning to think this last year has. She told me that, yeah, church is a priority. But God does not succumb under the propriety of church. He continues to be the foundation of grace and love and power and authority. She herself does not approve of the church and its ways but she loves God to her fullest. through just talking to her, I find myself missing the things of God. Those nightly prayers, those worship hours with just Him and I, those talks of love and intimacy with brothers and sisters. I do miss it. I'm inadvertently shrugging off God while thinking that I'm doing the right thing of leaving the church. I didn't leave for anyone else. I thought I left for the lack of spiritual growth. But in all honesty, I think I left for selfish reasons, not because of God, which at the time, I thought I WAS doing it for God. But i confess, I cannot live without God. I also scanned through wynette's archives of her blog. I had wanted to find some kind of hint of information so i could buy a present for her. I found myself reading about her first encounter with my old church. I remember that first time we met. It was right after the weekend of a great retreat so I was feeling very friendly and loved and all giddy about God. I talked to her voluntarily. At first, I thought she was scared of me because of my forwardness. But I didn't really think about it too much. Anyway, she displayed a great deal of transparency on her blog. I admire that in people. Whether it be through conversations or journals, I adore people who are real with others. That takes guts. She reminded me of the realness of God and how he does work in miraculous ways. I also got reminded I'm suppose to live 100% to God. Not just a bit by bit kind of thing. But rather a full comprehension of His majesty. I've been pretty blinded. So help me see.

i woke up singing this song:

Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen
Tonight we'll put all other things aside
Get in this time and show me some affection
We're goin' for those pleasures in the night

I want to love you, feel you, wrap myself around you
I want to squeeze you, please you, I just can't get enough
And if you move real slow I let it go

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
And I know I know I know I know I know I want you

We shouldn't even think about tomorrow
Sweet memories will last for long long time
We'll have a good time, Baby, don't do worry
And if we're still playin' around boy that's just fine

Let's get excited, we just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I know I know I know I know I know I want you, I want you

I want to love you, feel you, wrap myself around you
I want to squeeze you, please you, I just can't get enough
And if you move real slow I let it go

I'm so excited, I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I know I know I know I know I know I want you

hahahahahahha, I'm very amused.

So it's late, I'm not tired. No sir-e-bob. I was watching Sleepless in Seattle on TCM (Turner Classic Movies). Love it. It features movies, UN-FREAKING-CUT! it's incredible. It's my new favorite channel. Anyway, I have this obsession with the movie now. Seriously. No matter how many times i've seen it, I must see it every time it is on tv. No kidding. No, i kid you not. It's like Mel Gibson's character on Conspiracy Theory. He must buy the novel, Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger every time he is in the bookstore (which, by the way, is a pretty funktastic book). Seriously, i am completely honest and sincere. I cry and laugh each time i see it. It hardly makes sense to me. You'd think that after i've seen it for so mannny times, I would get sick of it. I'm not. No, no. I just keep watching it as if I'm mesmerized. Oh man, oh man. I stopped watching cause my daddy told me to go away. hehe. Anyway, I'll make it up to my heart. I'm sure I'll see it again in the near future.

Oh and yes, I watched Pirates of the Caribbean. ANother funkTASTIC movie. I loved every minute of it. It kept my heart pumping and my eyes open for johnny depp or orlando bloom. Johnny Depp sure caught my attention. He was the one who tied the whole movie together. It was very entertaining. Orlando Bloom, the sweet naive, yet courageous little pirate. He is pretty cute, i have to admit. My gosh, who knew swashbuckling pirates can be so gorgeous. HOTT. The effects are fabulous. I felt as if I was really part of the entire realm of piracy. It takes a whole lot of imagination and creativity and skill to do that. Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski, kudos...kudos. I'd watch it a second time, Yes ma'am I would.

So i've started wearing jewelry again. I find something so feminine in adorning our necks, wrists, fingers...wherever with...stuff. I use to wear bracelets a lot. But they got dirty or i broke 'em. I use to wear necklaces a lot. But the necklace itself got damaged in one way or another. So I stood a long time not wearing anything around my neck or on my hand. But I'll be more lady-like now so I don't like break it while playing volleyball or something (which, I admit, i did --which is a stupidly stupid thing to do). so yep. Nothing too exciting going on.