I guess my dad isn't ready to forgive me yet. I looked into his eyes for a split second. He turned away, uncomfortable by my seeing him. Whenever he's mad at me, he would always say, "get away from me, I don't want to see your face". I remember that day when I knew my earthly father can do no harm to me anymore for my Heavenly Father has his arms "wrapped around me". I'm learning not to fear my dad. He's mortal and human and a sinner. In fact, I don't hate him or despise him anymore. I love him. He can yell at me all he wants. He can demand me to clean the house, wash the dishes, do the laundry, vacuum the floor all he wants... for all things, I do it as if I were doing it unto the Lord.
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June 14, 2002
Garden Valley, TX

During breakfast today (cereal), a boy sat down beside me. Part of me wanted to ask him for his name and strike up a conversation with him. Part of me wanted to get away as soon as possible. But I stayed, and ironically, he asked me, "What is your name?" and so i replied. It had turned out he was on the same team I was on. He was going to China as well! We talked for awhile. I knew it was inevitable that the color of my skin and hair and the shape of my eyes would be a standard of the question, "Do you speak Chinese?" So after a few questions about where I lived, my family and what not, he asks me the inevitable question. I gave him the inevitable answer, yes. I thought I would just blend in. I thought I could possibly be in the background. But it turns out, for the first time in my life, I stand out. I stand out because I'm the only asian girl. I stand out because "one thing here does not look like the other". Oh how I wish I were white for just a month.

His name is Don, if you were wondering. I was really fearful. I had no intentions of getting close with guys at all. I did not want to find myself in the situation that I was in a few weeks ago. I wanted nothing to do with guys, but God sent me to go on a mission trip which happens to include girls as well as boys. I hesitated when I talked to Don. He was a nice guy and all. I just kind of keep myself guarded from boys as much as possible.
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I wonder if the way i see guys has changed now after the trip...

I never understood what it means to be loved. During this summer, I told them that there's a man that loves you more than you can possibly imagine. A man that would swim the ocean for you, a man who would climb a mountain for you, a man who would die upon a cross for you. I didn't really know I was saying these things. It was the Spirit of God moving in me to move others. It was all God. But who knew that it would come back to me... Grace, there's someone so divine that loves you more than you can possibly imagine. and that's God! He loves you with the fullest of his heart that he sent his son for you. That you wouldn't die, but live! Living victoriously! It's still horribly hard for me to understand my Father's love for me.

I grew up not knowing much about love. I'd say "I love you" to my dad and my mom, but it didn't mean much to me. I wonder, will it ever? I told my brothers and sisters on the trip that i didn't really understand their family situations. A lot of them come from broken families, abusive fathers, or single parent. I never had to go through that. My parents are still together, and all of us are still intact. But whatever kind of dysfunctional family we came from, my team had one thing in common. We all needed Jesus so much. They said that during those times that it seemed the world would end, God really revealed to them as a "Loving Father".

I desire so much to be intimate with the Creator. I wish so much to know His Heart. I may never understand the fullest of his love, but I can try.

"I look into the hearts of these people and my heart saddens. They want something more. They hope and they yearn that we, Americans, have something for them. They ask us the questions. They tell us about China. They ask more questions. We answered to the best of our abilities. But really, all we had to offer is the best relationship that they'll ever get. The relationship that is so intimate, so romantic, and so divine. A father/son-like relationship, but so much more personal, more involved."

I poured my heart out so many times that my heart seems completely quenched now. All that matters is that people were saved, seeds were planted, and lost souls were able to see God in us. The greatest compliment I received on the entire trip happened on the third day that we were in China. I was translating on behalf of the Chinese students for my team. We started talking about the political events that is occuring in Taiwan. At first, I was really thrown off because I didn't know how to translate that!! But graciously, God gave them understanding even with my indecent Chinese. The discussion had then jilted into a stream of spirituality talk. We asked them what they learned from us. One girl had said that just being around us was so much fun and she had more understanding of her beliefs as a Christian. Another girl agreed and said we had so much love and joy to offer that it almost seemed as if Jesus lived inside of us. Oh, how my heart felt I cannot describe. They see Jesus in us. What a wonderful comment. That was my kodak moment.

"busyness substitutes for meaning, efficiency substitutes for creativity, and functional relationships substitute for love"
John Eldredge

Ain't that the truth. I often find that our world has become so good at concealing the matters of the heart for just satisfactory lives or superficial masks to ignore what's really beneath.

Life at home has not been the same since I got back to Houston. I learned a lot about myself this past month and I don't want to lose the revelation that God has really put on my heart. I find myself struggling with that same complacency that I had before this summer began. There was one session during the trip that really made me think. What do you need more of? Reason? or Passion? I realize that there needs to be a balance between the two. Too much reason makes the mind wander into the state of idleness. Too much passion is blatantly uncontrollable. I think it's the latter for me. *shrugs* Don't know how that's going to work out, but Praise God.