1 Corinthians 6:12-20
"All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything. Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both of them. Yet the body is not for immorality, but for the Lord, and the Lord is for the body. Now God has not only raised the Lord, but will also raise us up through His power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Shall I then take away the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? May it never be! Or do you not know that the one who joins himself to a prostitute is one body with her? For He says, "The two shall become one flesh. But the one who joins himself to the Lord is one spirit with Him. Flee immorality. Every other sin that a man commits is outside the body, but the immoral man sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body."

Whenever Satan comes in and puts me down for being stupid or saying ridiculously foolish comments, it makes me feel like poop and causes me to close up even more. Then I resolve to think that maybe I should do what the world does, conform to the iniquities of paganism. Which ultimately leads to the predominate sin in my life. But I had thought I had victory in Christ. And soon after, I realize that I do.

Romans 8:37-39
"But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

I have a hard time understanding spiritual warfare.

I find myself with eternal love from the Father whenever it feels like I'm just an inch away from Him. The feeling of the Holy Spirit indwelling you is truly indescribable. I had thought if I stayed "holy" or "spiritual", the consistent indication of God's love would be present. I guessed wrong. Whenever I try too hard to be "spiritual", I'm really not. I just think I am. The conscious mind takes over and resolves you to think like a sinner and not like Christ. I wish it weren't so.

I just finished watching the grammys.

Dude, Mary J. Blige. Speechless. Her performance was just...man...it was awesome. You can actually tell that it was her testimony while she was singing "No More Drama". She danced and sung with passion.

Another surprise was how the movie soundtrack for "O Brother, where are thou?" did so well, collectively. I do believe blue grass is coming back with style. I also recommend the movie. It's hilarious.

is beauty really what's inside?

I can't wait until spring break.

I wonder what I'm going to do. My brother is coming back from California with Renee that weekend of my spring break. I'm kind of nervous. My brother and I have never been really close. In the past, we've had friction with each other. You could even say that I was often nervous around him. One time he told me that he was afraid of talking to me, in fear that he may offend me. The irony of it is that I'm afraid of talking to him, in fear of being offended, but the sad truth is, I didn't tell him that. So, I guess there's a wall between the two of us. One is afraid of talking to the other for the same exact reason.

aiyah...

All of life comes down to just one thing.
and that's to know you, Oh Jesus
and to make you known.

I was called to worship God.

I constantly have trouble recognizing God's will in my life in terms of what he wants me to do. I know that whenever I start taking control, everything becomes just a big mess. I try to be quiet and listen really hard just to see if I can hear his sweet, gentle voice calling me to do His Will. But, no.

Lord, I come again to you in prayer and ask that your will be done in my life. That every step that I take today, I give thanks to you because you are with me and you never leave me. Although I can't hear you, I know you're here right beside me as I type this blog. Please Lord God, I want to KNOW that you're REAL in my life by the actions that happen each day of my life. Spiritually you are always here in my soul, mind, heart, and body and I am forever Thankful Jesus.

I'm ecstatic. I changed the strings on my guitar without breaking any of them this time. I tuned it too. It sounds awesome. Thank you, very much.

Man, one more day of TAAS testing and no more sleeping in for the rest of my junior year. =/

My dog smells bad. I think he needs to take a bath.

Job 13:3
"But I desire to speak to the Almighty and to argue my case with God."

Psalm 114:7
"Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord, at the presence of the God of Jacob."

Matthew 22:37
"Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'"

John 14:23
"Jesus replied, 'If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him.'"

Ephesians 6:24
"Grace to all who love our Lord Jesus Christ with an undying love."

1 Thessalonians 1:3
"We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ."

all i want

all i want is my frustration
to be replaced with signs of spring
and all i want is confirmation
that you're gonna see me through
see me through this thing
and all i want, all i want...all i want is you

and all i want is just a window to let me know there's light outside
and all i want is confirmation that what i'm feeling
feeling isn't right and all i want
all i want...all i want is you

and all i want is that you'd find me
and i'd have nothing more to say
all i want is pure reflection of the one
that's standing right in front of me
and all i want, all i want...all i want is you

What an interesting weekend.

Last week, we had went to Metro. I was just beyond blessed. I remember just sitting there at Suhzi's...just sitting. Just totally dwelling in the Holy Temple of God, me. God just immersed himself in my body...letting me know He's real. It's funny. I just now realized it. No wonder God wanted me to shut up and just enjoy the joy and grace.

Well, let me elaborate a little. The Holy Ghost reveals things to me on God's time. So things that occured days, weeks, months, or even years ago, God tells me the reason when I need to know. So Saturday, I went to this house church. Never been to one. Pretty sure I was blessed, but came to no conclusion. I know that God had preordained that night, yet my mind is still in a clutter. I guess I was preoccupied with other ordeals in my life. Honestly? I don't know what to make of Saturday night. I guess I won't venture on into discussing it. Maybe next week it'll suddenly come to me...like an epiphany...more like the Holy Spirit.

The Lord has also been revealing to me how lukewarm my life really is. I still remember that time when I went to California for my brother's graduation. One night a bunch of us were sitting in his apartment and Jen was talking about how she didn't want to live as a Mediocre Christian. I understood what she meant, of course. But now, I realize that I live like that.

Revelation 3:16
"So, because you are lukewarm--neither hot nor cold--I am about to spit you out of my mouth."

Dude, I'm honestly and earnestly praying that this year really really really really opens my eyes to who I am in Christ Jesus.

Job 19:25
"As for me, I know that my Redeemer lives, And at the last He will take His stand on the earth."

Psalm 19:14
"Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer."

Psalm 78:35
"And they remembered that God was their rock, And the Most High God their Redeemer."

Psalm 104:34
"Let my meditation be pleasing to Him; As for me, I shall be glad in the Lord."

1 Corinthians 10:4
"and all drank the same spiritual drink, for they were drinking from a spiritual rock which followed them; and the rock was Christ."

2 Corinthians 4:5
"For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake."

Galatians 1:10
"Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ."

May The Words Of My Mouth

May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You
Pleasing to You
May the words of my mouth
And the meditations of my heart
Be pleasing to You, my God
You're my Rock and my Redeemer
You're the reason that I sing
I desire to be a blessing

In Your eyes
Ev'ry hour, ev'ry moment
Lord, I want to be Your servant
I desire to be a blessing
In Your eyes, in Your eyes

So, I just finished watching the movie A Walk to Remember. The kind of love stories that are the best is where the audience can actually identify with and know that the love is real. The actors had done such a good job faking the sincerity of love that I cried. It's really easy to make me cry esp. when the meaning is deep and spiritual. In the next few paragraphs, I'm just going to throw things out there about the movie that really struck me. So, if you intend on watching the movie and do not want to know anything about the movie, DO NOT READ MY BLOG, it'll ruin the whole movie, but I'm pretty sure even if you have watched the movie, what I say is going to be pretty not understandable (it's 3 in the morning). hehe.

Before I go into depth about the movie, I just want to rant about one thing.

True. It is a chick flick. But now the question is...what's wrong with that? I mean, of course, one can quickly label this movie as a "chick flick", but just because there's love and passion and spirituality, it makes it unreasonable for a guy to watch it? I really don't think so. Stop and smell the roses and watch a chick flick to see how sensitive you really are.

One thing that I enjoyed was the love that the couple had. They were inseparable. They didn't seem at all agitated with each other at any point of the movie, well except when they were not in love. Often times, at school, I see relationships that develop and crumble in the blinking of an eye. I guess that's due to the so called "puppy love", where one just seeks after someone to hold and kiss and talk to each other on the phone about nothing important. Yes, there are some of my friends who do have seemingly lasting relationships, but you have to wonder, will it last? Hehe, today my teacher had told us that during her high school and college years, she went out with tons of guys: a new boyfriend each year to take to the formal. But, when she had finally met one guy, one guy who would sweep her off her feet, she married him after 4 months of the day that they met and they've been married for 33 years. Let's hear a resounding "Awwww".

Anyway, I desire to have a relationship with my future husband unlike any I've known before. I want to wake up in the morning of each day and be glad because I have that other person in this world who cares as much for me as I for him.

There's a problem. In the movie, Jamie was reluctant to be with Landon because of what may happen to her: falling madly in love when she knew her fate and at the same time, she didn't know what to feel because she never had a relationship. I have that same problem. Despite my circumstances now, I realize I just hate boys sometimes. The way I've been pushed around by guys has hardened my heart towards them. As a result, I don't know what or how to feel around guys that I'm attracted to or not. I just get uncomfortable. I put my hope in God and wait in expectation.

Jamie was an outsider. She was a loner. She lived in her own world of God and love and spirituality. I relate completely. Although I'm not as altruistic as her, I do understand the competence that she has as an individual, living as a reverend's daughter and all. She blocks out the world around her at school and focuses on what's real and true. Individuality screams through her body to every one at her school, yet the peers fail to view it as "cool". What a transcendentalist thought.

A few favorite scenes of mine (I hope you don't mind me sharing *wink*)
1. When Landon says about how could there be good if there's so much bad stuff like suffering (hopefully I don't butcher the thought), she reputes by saying "If there's no suffering, where's the compassion?"

2. When she slams the door in his face.

3. When he was pushed about hundreds of times by the blond. That was pretty hilarious

4. When he kisses her right out of the blue when she finished singing. She looked so surprised.

5. When he catches her after she had saw the flyer.

6. When he had trouble with asking her to dinner.

7. Everytime he had fulfilled Jamie's To do list...the tatoo..."two places at once"...the comet...marriage in mother's church.

8. When he read and she recited 1 Corinthians 13.

9. When she called him her angel.

10. When he went to his father and cried and embraced.

11. How he wore the same clothes.

12. How she wore the sweater he gave her.

13. How she saw the light of the situation even when it was so bleak.

14. How he was with her 24/7 when she was in the hospital.

15. How he went through the trouble of making a telescope just for her to see the comet.

16. How he specifically went to the Reverend to have permission to take her out.

17. How he had been a "miracle".

18. How he had brought two blankets because she wasn't "seducible".

19. When they had actually kissed on the dock. She let go of her fear and just went for it.

20. How it had actually been a good movie.

One thing I don't quite understand was the attraction. What was the reason behind his attraction to her? Was it her "makeover" during the play? Was it because she was "different than most girls"? Well, during the movie, I thought it was the faith that she had that drew him to her. The faith in God and how strong she was in Him made her more appealing. I guess in the same respect, Christ in us makes us more appealing. One thing I've heard over and over again is how people are attracted to Christ. God brings them closer by us. The use of our lives allows people to understand who Christ is and how tremendously he affects us.

I was kind of disappointed with the end of the movie. Well, not too disappointed. He had gotten his life together all right and his love never left him, but you have to wonder, where's the faith? She had constantly talked about God and spirituality, but he kept looking at the love, which I must understand is the meaning of the movie, but...well...I dunno.

Oh and for number 18, the scene had reminded me of a dream I once had. Well. I'd tell you, but then you know that I'm a hopeless romantic. Well, actually, you can probably guess that just by reading what I put on this blogger thingy. hehe. I'll just tell you then. So this dream: I'm with this guy, who supposedly is "the one", and we're by the shimmering lake, just sitting in silence. Then he asks me if I was cold and wanted to get in the car. I had a bad feeling about getting in the car with him because I never really know what the guy wants and in such cases, I think he wants to "seduce" me (see the correlation?) (this is in my dream and I always assume the worse about guys). But. A big BUT, he goes to his trunk and pulls out a large wool blanket just to fit two and opens the back door for me. I still am nervous about what he was to do. He skooches me over as he enters and wraps both of us in the blanket and we sit again, but in arms of each other. =) "awwwww" hehe. Do know this was an actual dream. I even wrote it down in my personal diary.

*sigh* Love. What a wonderful thing.

Wow this is the longest blog I've ever done.

1 Corinthians 1:7
"Therefore you do not lack any spiritual gift as you eagerly wait for our Lord Jesus Christ to be revealed."

Philippians 3:20
"But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ."

1 Thessalonians 1:10
"and to wait for his Son from heaven, whom he raised from the dead--Jesus, who rescues us from the coming wrath."

Jude 1:21
"Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life."

Titus 2:13
"while we wait for the blessed hope--the glorious appearing of our great God and Savior, Jesus Christ"

Isaiah 40:31
"but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Psalm 103:4-6
"who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's. The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed."

I Will Wait

I will wait for You, Jesus
You’re the sun in my horizon
All my hope’s in you, Jesus
I can see you now arising
There’s a wall that stands in front of me
That I know I just can’t climb
But like an eagle you will carry me
It’s just a matter of your time

An evil army’s all around me
Another wall that is in my way
But I believe the word you promised me
So I will wait another day

I'm hungry, yo.

I realize I'm very different from typical girls. Or at least different from the girls that I encounter with each day. I guess it's the way I've been raised as a child. My dad has influenced me as a being for majority of my life. He thinks that girls should be strong, independent, and very intelligent in their actions. To be able to change a tire, willing to take a challenge, to go as far as the limits are. I think I'm a little of all those traits. I still want to bungee jump, I still want to explore Europe with a backpack and a passport, I still want to sky dive. I'm being honest. But we have to be humble here and now. The way I am is because God made me this way.

It's Friday. The weekend is just around the corner. What's on the agenda for me? My parents are going to be out of town tonight and coming back Sunday morning. Again, the independent part of me comes out. The typical me would probably want to take control. Yet, man, I still forget. I'm not in control.

2 Corinthians 3:17
"Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty."

John 8:32
"...and you will know the truth, and the truth will make you free.''

Romans 8:21
""that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God."

Isaiah 61:1
"The Spirit of the Lord GOD is upon me, Because the LORD has anointed me To bring good news to the afflicted; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to captives And freedom to prisoners."

Galatians 5:1
"It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery."

Freedom Reigns

Where the spirit of the Lord is,
There is Freedom

If you're tired and thirsty
There is freedom

Freedom reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
They are falling on every face
There is freedom

Jesus reigns in this place
Showers of mercy and grace
They are falling on every face
There is freedom

So lift your eyes to heaven
There is freedom

Give your all to Jesus
There is Freedom

I love people. I never talked about how I love people? Well, maybe it's time.

I think one of the ministries that God is going to place me in is fellowship with brothers and sisters and especially to the unbelievers. God has placed a heart for people in me. Although I'm not even sure what I'm to do with this gift yet, I know that God will reveal to me as I get older.

I love to talk. Sharing who I am in Christ is the utmost passion in my heart. Ever since this passion has been inflamed, I haven't been interested in anything other than Christ. Yet, I want to talk. I want to shout to the world that I have found the lover of my life. But sometimes it seems no one is interested. No one seems to want to talk about it. I could have a random conversation with someone I just met. They'd going on and on about how their day went, which is all good, but when I say the name "Jesus", they start getting uncomfortable. Yes, it's probably the Spirit. Yet, I can't help wonder what happens when they leave. What are they thinking afterwards?

I thought about giving up food. I think that's the biggest part of my life. Food. I wonder if I could go without food for 40 days. Fasting for me was always an experience. So much breaking and cleansing happens when I fast. Hmm...

Maybe I should give up food.

I'm also considering changing the template of my blog...

should I or should I not?...fat kitty or fat puppy?...Arial or Verdana?...Archives or no archives?

so many decisions...so little options...

It's Ash Wednesday today. I had to think of something to give up and offer to God as a sacrifice. I can't think of anything. Give me some suggestions.

I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon...I feel tons better...

AIM kicks me off every so often. That's a cool feeling.

I need to change the strings on my guitar...

I am so physically pooped...

Today would not be a good day to agitate me. I know yesterday I seemed pretty honkie dorie. I was. Yet, arrrggg...

I don't get mad very often. I wonder if just one time, I blew up and just let out my steam on someone, would their perspective of me change. hmm...

God, why am I in such pain? What are you trying to tell me? Please, reveal to me.

I need to figure out how to change the strings on my guitar.

The mind is so abstract and so opaque and so fickle and just darn weird. One minute I'm on cloud nine. The next minute I feel like I'm burning in hell. I think I've felt this before. aiyah...

My dad put a pile of clothes on my bed. Usually, I'd be happy to help out and do the dishes and laundry and stuff. Dude, I saw that pile today. I wanted to curse. But it's just a pile of clothes to be folded! PMS, man. It's a bitch.

ahh...

I feel wonderful. Why? Well, I'll tell you why. I haven't been thinking for the last day. What I mean by thinking is, basic worrying. I think that is what the epitome of the thoughts that run through my mind: anxiety. Tell you what, you can substitute "worrying" for "thinking" cause it means the same thing to me. But, hey, I didn't have to go through that and I won't for the rest of the evening, I have declared to meself and to God.

I love the peace that comes over a soul after having worshipped God all weekend long. =)

So, I sit here in front of my computer enjoying the presence of Jesus. *happy sigh*

My entire body is sore. I could barely get out of Eric's car tonight. The heavy door added to the excessive weight I seem to be holding. I didn't work out. I didn't play basketball. I didn't go to the YMCA. Why am I so sore? aiyah. I wished I had no body right now.

Pain. Physical pain...Praise God! I think God is putting me through this for a reason...

So, one of the things I remembered this past weekend was to rejoice in all circumstances. The things that we go through each day all have a reason behind it. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe in divine intervention. So, Rejoice! Be glad! For God disciplines those who love Him!

...so I don't know the exact reason, but I know for sure that He's breaking me... in two because it sure feels like it.

"What's so good about Metro?" I ask meself. Is it the music? Is it the live music? Or is it the speaker? Is it the comedic, yet passionate preacher?

No. The Holy Spirit of God. It's all God. He moves the place as much as He wants to.

I'm ten times more blessed than last week.

Thank God for revelations.

...he reveals to us in our daily walk with Him. Tonight, He has confirmed what I should do in regards to what I have been questioning in the last year or so. Hopefully, I'll step out in faith and let God do his work.

I've been blasted with the power of the Cross yet again.

Thoughts of you

thoughts of you take over me like darkness takes an evening sky
and for a moment I am overcome with thoughts of you
and make believe could never write a story - more beautiful
you loving me in spite of me it's more than make believe
your love changes me...

black and white surround my world if you don't go on loving me
the colors of the rainbow will fade to black and white
and letters that you wrote me - I hide them deep within me
in hopes that I will someday hold the hand that wrote letters to me
your love changes me...

what a beautiful song...so simple. so lovely.

tired. very tired.

I never looked forward to going to school.

Dude.

I got an email today from Global Expeditions. Apparently, I had subscribed to a missions organization for young people. It had asked me if I was still interested, I had within 3 days to reply to them.

Now, the thing is, is this the Will of the Lord?

Pray for me.

So. Prayer. I was always a full believer of prayer. God always was faithful in all circumstances...answering my prayer. And, I, see them answered, but fail to recognize God was all up in the situation...I wasn't. So, this book I've finished in less than 24 hours, opened my eyes to who God is. He's the provider. This man...he totally depended on God. When he was broke, he asked God for money, God answered. When he had gone into missionary with a broken leg, he asked God to show him what was hindering him from full time ministry, God healed him. When he had no mo toothpaste and a dull razor, he asked God to give him money to buy sanitary condiments, God allowed him to get those things he needed for hygiene. He asked, God granted.

Why would it be different for me? Of course, it's not! I'm actually considering if I was meant to be a missionary. Because all the while I was reading the book, I yearned for the similar ongoings in the author's life to be in mine. I'd read how he went into Communist areas, where any trace of religion can due to jail time or exile, how he prayed he wouldn't be caught by the government officers with a few hundred Bibles in his car while they were checking, and these Bibles were pretty noticeable, you can imagine, and God...*smiles*...oh and as gracious as He is, grants his request. Dude, this man lived a life of faith. I often wonder, if I lived like that, dude, I'd be totally dependent upon God, and leaned not on my own understanding.

The conclusion I've come to is to fully depend my whole life. The entirety of my life. Every portion of my life. to three things. 1. praying, 2. praying, 3. praying. Praying can be incorporated into my singing to God. Praying can be incorporated into my reading the Word. Praying can be incorporated through every aspect. It just depends...on what one thinks of prayer. I hold it in high regard now. Because I know when I pray, the Holy Ghost is there praying along with me. Dude, that's an awesome feeling. To know that God is right there with you.

I want praying to become so common that I'd pray out loud in the public. But I want praying to be so important that I'd do it every second of every hour of every day. Of course, no legalism. Just love and grace and peace and obedience.

I have so much on my mind right now.

Listen. Do you hear it? The voice of our Most High God is whispering your name and you may not even know it.

So much times, we put well..everyone knows this example so I might as well use it...we put Him into this box. God cannot be contained in a box, you idiot! you say. Well, look. I know I do that sometimes. I think what I want is what God wants in my life. Like sure why not? But, no. that's not right. The ways of man is not ways of God. Nor is man's time, God's time. And listen to these words. GOD IS THE CREATOR OF HEAVEN AND EARTH. How often do we hear it that it becomes mundane? But look, He's the Creator. No one else. No one else to make beautiful mountains, seas as vast as the universe, creatures of unorthodox boundaries, and just everything under the heavens and sky. I think that's a big deal, dude.

So, no need to venture anymore. God is the God of the universe and I forever intend to praise, exalt, obey, love, worship, sing, pray, cry, laugh, talk, listen, feel, understand, learn, trust, which all leads to faith.

Man, I feel so blessed.

I had just come back from Metro. Each time I go there, I get blessed 10 times more than the week before.

Christ loves you.

So where was I? ahh... yes

I really need God to consume my being, but my immature ways still hinder me. I mean I still struggle understanding the love of God, when in simple terms, there's no need to understand! He loves us unconditionally. well...just pray for me.

Everyday, I had sought for a brother or sister I could talk to, but came with no results. Never once thinking "hey, maybe God doesn't want me to just "look" for them, but to "understand", "acknowledge", or "love" them because I forget that God loves these people as much as he loves me. Anyway, its a minor detail into my social life at school. Other revelations have been brought to my attention since 10:00 this morning.

My future. Where is God taking me? Brother Andrew had no clue, but everyday...everyday things just worked out for him because God was so apparent in his life. How am I any different? Again, my failure to understand poverty and suffering physically and emotionally came to mind. If I truly, truly, were poor, would I possibly live my life for God even more? If I didn't always have food on the table, could I possibly understand God's power? Different circumstance, different people. yeah...well...I don't know what's in it for me in the future. Is my mission field in Houston? What am I going to do after college? Am I meant to be a missionary? Different questions keep popping into my head as the story of the book begins to unfold, and Brother Andrew continues to endeavour into the realities of his faith...yet still to be continued...more insights as I delve into the book more.

It's 10:07 AM. I'm at school. There's this student in front of me playing Mario Kart. How? I don't know.

So I realize that as each day goes by, I'm earnestly seeking after fellow brothers and sisters at school that I can possibly relate to. I look at their lives, their actions, or possibly that little piece of jewelry around their necks that "identifies" them as a prince or princess of the Living God. However, I'm reading this book that Eric lend me. So far, I'm only on page 40. But you know me, I've already cried a couple of times just by reading the stories. These people lived hard core. So theres this one story about a man in Colombia who was persecuted. I didn't quite relate to the situation because I've never been held at gunshot. Well, anyway, so this man, he knew that he was going to die, but instead of pleading with the soldier to not kill him, and let him live, he says "Christ loves you". And the soldier didn't kill him. Duuuude.

The idea that I look for supposedly "hardcore" Christians in school is now beyond me. I'm looking for the hardcore Christian in myself. If hypothetically, there's this new law that I was to put an idol in my house and I refused, am I willing to go to jail, and give them the chance to kill me?

to be continued...(the bells about to ring)

I went shopping today after church. I partly feel guilty for not going straight home. I ask people if they ever went out during the week besides to church, school, or necessary errands. Like movies, mall, or restaurants. Majority of them don't. They stay home like good little students and children.

I want to discipline myself not to go out so much anymore. My parents give me too much freedom. I need to buckle down on my life at home; spend time reading the word, spend time in prayer, spend time playing my guitar, spend time with family, or actually spending time to do my homework.

Anyways, spending time at home is not that bad at all. not bad at all. I stayed home the whole day on Saturday. It felt nice. Nothing on the agenda. No where to go. Pick up my guitar. Play some chords. Sing a little. All good.

We ate hot pot today. I feel as if I had just come back from Fogo de Chao (read entry on 1/28/02). Aiyah.

Anyway, so I helped set up the table and helped my mom with the food. By means of helping, I unwrapped the packaged meat (styrofoam plate with beef wrapped with plastic wrap). But as I was unwrapping the packaged meat, I warped (haha) back to memories of one night in Cali. I had went over to my friend's house to have a slumber party. We watched movies and ate junk food for the majority of the night. Of course, this was in the early years, so we were crazed with movies of guys, especially guys that were extremely "cute" and "ungettable" because they were...teen stars, or scary movies, pretending we were scared when we were peeing in our pants. So we rented Now and Then (ahh Devon Sawa), Pinnochio :sp?: (JTT; formerly known as Jonathan Taylor Thomas), and oh the infamous Child's Play (shivers...that movie still freaks me out). Well, actually that has nothing to do with the packaged meat.

Anyway, I sidetrack...When we had to eat dinner, I realize that the food was served on these styrofoam plates that were recycled from packaged raw meat. I thought, "Hey, That's awesome! Linda's mom knows how to recycle!", again I was pretty young back then and oh so innocent which leads to the ignorance one takes on as a child. I had just now realize that this family were not able to afford regular silverware or plates or anything like that. Now that I remember, I don't think that they had much in their house. All there was were the necessities. Like beds, w/o the platform, or lawn chairs that were inside the house, and a 12 inch television in the master bedroom.

I think the point of me telling this was either one: I was a foolish child, or two: Some people don't have it as easy as I do. Actually, it's both. I often wish that I thought like I did. Not knowing the bad stuff in things and looking for the good like recycling. Also, to consider how good I got it as a human being.

On Thursday, my US History teacher had a powerpoint presentation with music and everything. Basically, it's like a movie, but with emotions and feeling. It was a production of the Holocaust. Images of dead, dissipated bodies of flesh and bones. Pictures of parents-less Jewish Children with fated doom of death. These people were unfortunately fated with death because of their heritage. It made me cry, which is not unusual. Which all adds up to the fact...that I got it good so I never ever should complain...at all.

Jesus, Lover of my soul
All Consuming Fire is your gaze
Jesus, I want you to know
I will follow you all my days
For no one else in history is like you
History itself belongs to you
Alpha and Omega, You have loved me
I will share eternity with you

It's all about you, Jesus
And all this is for you, for your glory and your fame
It's not about me, as if you should do things my way
You alone are God, and I surrender
to your ways