I have thoughts that are going at the speed of about 100 miles per minute. I have all these observations and desires, but do I actually follow through with them? Am I supposed to idly wait for an opportunity to fall into my laps? Or do I make opportunities for myself? Is there ever a time where things are comfortable enough for me to settle down? Do I wait or do I act? Will I act? How will I respond? Do I respond to the call? What is the call? At this point in time where life is so uncertain and fragile, how will I respond to the cup that has been given me?

Do I let go and let God? At which point do I let go of the things that I've held onto for so long? To leave that place of comfort and be used fully in God's purposes and plans. Is it worth it all? Are these desires and longings really from God? And say these are from God, will I be alone in all of this? Does anybody else have these same passions? Are these God-driven purposes? Or are they selfish, fleshly desires to make myself look like I'm entitled to my own self-righteousness?

Desperate longing.

God,

I can't see the future. I don't really know how to make a decision on my own. I never have. I always needed someone to lead me. I always needed someone to tell me what to do, so that I can follow their leading. As much as I want to think I was and am independent and can fend for myself, I am completely lost. I'm not sure where my life is going. Those desires that I thought were once in my grasp are seemingly slipping away.

I am frustrated and I am torn, once again. And suddenly am lost.

But I know that you are here. It says in Your Word that you have plans for me. Lord, you have plans to prosper me. You've given me this life, so that I can honor You in all that I do. God, would you lead me? I pray for direction. A new direction. I may not know where I am going and I may not know how I'm getting there. But you are my mode of transportation, you are my destination, and ultimately, you are my companion.

God, please renew my soul.