the following soldiers for Christ:
jennifer ling
jessie tan
jennifer lin
andy shih

...are off to the motherland to share the good news. God be with you all. May He bless you in your footsteps...

i longingly gaze at this beautifully crafted wedding invitation that Klinton and Clara has graciously given to me. Only to be met with disappointment. I cannot go.

I'll already be in Waco and my parents see it as a impediment or an inconvenience to drive back for a wedding. Oh, how i see myself floating in a river of regret and discouragement after the wedding passes...

I am at my supervisor's beckon call

I feel like Christina Applegate's character in "Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead." I am just flooded with a lot of work. And in the midst of it all, I don't know what in th world I'm doing! I mean, I'm getting it done. But I don't know if i'm doing it right or the best that I could. I think this performance anxiety is going to bite me in the behind sooner or later.

At the same time, I'm learning where I got this anxiety. It's from my dad. He always put me to work. He told me to wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the laundry, wash the car, mow the lawn, walk the dog, buy groceries, vacuum the house, wipe the table, cook dinner, mop the floor, clean the bathroom, etc. Basically, ANY chore you can name, i've done. In the midst of being a good, disciplined girl, he would always lecture me on how to get it done. It must be scrubbed a certain way, you must do this however many times to get the stain out, and if I can't see through it, it means it's not cleaned. In other words, he wanted perfection. He wanted perfection in everything i did.

At the time, i found it tedious and absolute torture.

Now, I've come to realize that is what i've become. I've become soo task-oriented and performance driven that i'm afraid a lot of my creative juices have been squeezed out of me. I had great aspirations once. I had a list in mind of what i wanted to accomplish. Mostly, whimsical...but i did have dreams at one point in my life. But yeah, wonder what i would be like if i wasn't so focused on my inadequacies.

Anyway, I had a purpose to this blog. Ah, yes. I wanted to post a prayer. I wanted to post a prayer to those that have lost hope. Those that can't see the oh-so-bright light at the end of the tunnel. I know I for one, wish to see the pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow. To see reward or fruit of my labor, oh what a glorious day that would be.

Dear God. You are faithful. You have plans for your children. Plans that will flourish us. Make us successful. Not successful by the means of the world. But by your standards. In which, we find ourselves reluctant of putting our faith in anything else but you. Let us have hope in what you have plan for us for it builds our character to make us into leaders of your kingdom. I pray that with each trial we go through, you will be right there reassuring us of your faithfulness. God let us see the light. Reveal to us your WILL. We long to experience what you want for us.

I seem to update at the most random times and in sporadic intervals...

Urm, my brain hurts. that doesn't make any sense. i haven't been using it for the last 4 weeks! hah! Anyway, i'm being stupid.

AIM really is the DEVIL.

...So, i've decided to have a fast...a AIM-fast. at least, 40 days of NO AIM.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen (to the select few who read this) I will not be seen on your buddy list for a month. If you do see me online, may God desecrate me and send me into eternal damnation!

On a lighter note, I got my job! I'm an intern at Fong & Associates Law Firm. Yattah! I am quite nervous about it. I want to make a good impression.

*crosses fingers*

God, please don't let me make a fool out of myself! please, please, pretty please!

...I also start summer session II on July 6th. I need to sleep at a more modest time from now on. bleh. 8-10 BLOODY A.M.

i'm seriously dead.

Good morning ladies and gentelmen. Welcome to the diary of the mindless babbling idiot. =)

[sigh]

Seriously, some days, I wonder if my existence has any minute importance to it. I keep being nostalgic and revert back to my memories, mostly horrific, mind you. But most definitly memorable. Things that I wish that i had forgotten. Yes, I know that God has redeemed me of my past. But you have to wonder, isn't your past the thing that shapes your present and future? [shrugs]

Today, I helped my mom cooked dinner. I was told to dice the jalapenos. I cut maybe 50 of them for this hot sauce my dad wanted to make. So right now, my fingers are literally burning from merely touching the seeds. Dah! They feel like I'm holding a piece of metal that's been burning in the furnace with my forefinger and thumb.

I think back on the past two semesters. I wonder what happened to me. What have I become? Have I changed any? change for the good? for the bad?

dah, my fingers burn.

Man, i'm so blessed.

I've been reading this book titled, Invitation to Lead by Paul Tokunaga. Amazing book. It's odd. I bought this book 6 months ago at Urbana and haven't touched it since. But now that i've started reading it, I can't seem to put it down.

It's about leadership. With the idea of becoming a leader next year, I've grown anxious and hesitant about fully committing myself. I fear being rejected or made a fool of. I have always been performance oriented (as many asians are), driven to do my best even to the extent of exhaustion. And when i don't perform well, I fall into self-pity and the devil starts to deconstruct my mindset of living for God. I fear if i don't see results, I will start to doubt myself or even worse, doubt God.

I am truly incapable of leading.

But. That's where God comes in. I am so thankful that I'm not going into this next year alone. With God along side of me guiding me and helping me and loving me, I can go the distance. THe only way for me to be used, is to fully commit my life and work to God. Only then, will his power truly preside in my heart and soul. Giving my all is hard. Isn't it? Giving everything to God is even harder. But i'm still learning day by day to give it to God. Because only he can do good things with it. I can't.

Lol. I also noticed that I never talked about Urbana. Perhaps, the tornado of events that occurred after the convention deterred my equilibrium so much that I disregarded the fact or i just simply didn't want to extend my thoughts to the world.

Urbana 03:
- a truly exhausting experience. I was constantly on the move. My every waking moment was spent going to seminars, eating, meeting up with friends, worship, and small groups. It was nonstop. We had to travel from the dorms to the arena, from the arena to the local buildings for the individual seminars (3 each day), back to the dorms for dinner, from the dorms to the arena for the evening session seminar. Everywhere you went there were lines. But the great thing about it was, i loved it. I loved being so busy. Always needed to be somewhere, always needed to go to a designated area. I loved the fact that the random people you ran into, you could praise God with. You could be waiting in line to go into a seminar and you start pouring your guts to this random girl who asked you what time it was. I loved being treated like cattle whilst going into the arena with 20,000 other brothers and sisters, to worship and dwell in the presence of the Almighty.

- God delivered peace in the midst of the craziness. I spent one day just in complete awe of God's majesty. That day was the only medication i needed. It allowed me to rest in God's power and authority. Through that time, I finally realized what it meant to depend on God. In that moment, the phrase "Once you put God as priority, everything else falls into place" made sense to me. I must admit, my passion for missions wasn't inflamed, I wasn't necessarily engrossed with the idea of urban projects or traveling to the outskirts of Manila. But in the back of my mind, i realized that i can't do it for God unless he knows that i want to do it for him. I must go to him first to express my fears, doubts, worries, anxieties, pain, guilt, shame, love, joys, sins before i can effectively work for him. I praise him that he has redeemed me of my past.

- Jennifer Ling approached me. She came to me and asked if I wanted to be discipled by her. She asked me if we could be accountablility partners. My God. I was honored by the sheer fact that she even considered me. To this day, I'm grateful for the time and energy that she has invested in me and the wisdom she has imparted into me.

- Spent a day with Peter and his friend Joseph. One day, I went to the seminars that these guys were going to. I also had lunch with them at this mock Subway place. I had an interesting conversation with Peter. He was very candid with me about the things he was going through that last semester. He also progressed to inform me of his wish to start a bible study. And this bible study has grown. We've grown to be a community within another. I am truly amazed at what God has done with this small idea and to see the fruits of God's grace to be shown is astounding. And for that, I appreciate Peter's vulnerability to me.

- New Life Fellowship. I rode up to Urbana with my cousin's church. It was unbelievably encouraging to see a group of believers on fire for God. I remember that at the end of the day, the girls came together to talk about the spiritual matters that God had taught us for that day. They were so vocal about their thought patterns that I wish I had the capability of doing so, so candidly.

- John. Hah. He's this guy i met one day. I was in line for the bus to go the arena. Some guy was standing to the left of me. And he proceeded to ask me, "how's it going?" I looked up and we made eye contact. Man, was he cute, I thought. I played it cool and turned my head into my original place, and said, "pretty good, how about yourself?" "good" My gosh, the thoughts in my head were going 100 miles per hour. I was so nervous and afraid at the same time. I didn't know what to say. I was scared that i would start stuttering or mumble my words into a jumble. I said God, this is just a guy. Let me remember that. And he gave me peace. We walked slowly into the bus. He was from Georgia Tech. He was leading a small group at the dorms so he was split up from his fellowship. We sat together on the bus. I asked him why was he at Urbana. And he said that many of his friends were going on missions so he wanted to get more information on missions in general. But, he didn't answer my question. I asked him why was he at Urbana. He asked me what did i mean. Well it seemed to me that his entire purpose was the benefit of others rather than himself. OF course, it is necessary to think of others before yourself. But it's also important to consider what God has in store for YOUR future. And after i told him all this, he was befuddled. And he said that is a very good question. hAH. For the first time in my life, I felt as if i was provoking someone's thought pattern in the right direction. I thank God for that conversation because it gave me confidence. Not confidence in myself but in God. Let me explain, this situation is quite unique, you must understand. I don't communicate well. I don't express my emotions or thought pattern as best can be. Needless to say, when it comes to guys, i'm a failure in speech communication, especially cute guys. haha. But what i'm trying to say is that that simple interaction changed my perspective. It has allowed to me engage in conversations with guys. It has allowed me to understand that it's okay to ask hard questions. It's okay to be serious with a person of the opposite sex. You don't always need to talk about the latest NBA stats nor the latest Acura model. After that conversation, i never saw the guy again. how ironic

- Overall, it was an experience never to be forgotten

"There are plusses to making so many friends."

eh, my previous statement by no means hints at the idea that i've suddenly transformed into miss popularity. I think, God has blessed me with many great friendships this past year. Some that cut deep into the roots of my soul. Others, fun and light hearted. Then some, based on the surface. All i cherish and hold precious.

I love the freedom I have in God. Whether it is because I have all this free time to ponder and contemplate, I thank God for what he's done in my life. I'm starting to realize that when my life is center around his goodness and truth, everything else seems meaningless...

do you think God, being so gracious and merciful, could forgive me of the most formidable sin? I think so.

I often enjoy the time of rest that God gives me to recharge and really evaluate my motives for living. I often feel like i'm squandering his valuable talents that he's given to me. Like the prodigal son who runs towards his sensuality to be terminated by eating with the pigs, so do i wish to hunger and starve for the things of God. I'm tired of listlessly wandering through college, not knowing what God has in store for me. He's placed me in strategic areas of fortune, wealth, education, family, most of which prosper. I wonder if this is it.

I wonder if i'm straining towards the right goal. I wonder if going to college at Baylor was the best decision. I speculate whether my grades are a good reflection of what i'm truly capable of. It saddens me that all this thinking may just end up going to waste because it is really none of my concern. I think my mother had passed down her worry trait to me. I worry about these things, man. I worry that God isn't always going to do what's best for me (?!?!). i worry that my life is going to spin out of control if i don't contain myself from my insanity. i worry simply if i'm going to make it through the day. i worry that i'm not being as productive as i should be. i worry that in the next 3-5 years, i'll decide business is not the way to go and i'll switch to engineering (?!?!).

"my worrying is a sign of lack of faith"

i wish God would just smack me into place sometimes. No, i'm serious. I wish he would LITERALLY SMACK me down and put me in my place. Just the other day, i think it was sunday, my cousin asked me how my spiritual life was. The day before that, malachi asked me how i was doing with God. It really got me thinking. What have i been doing? Where was God during my first two semesters at college? Was He recognized? Was He on my lips 24/7? Was He worshipped? I want to say yes to all the questions above, but i would be lying. Of course, like a begging child, i would run to Him when i had a "boo boo" that needed to be patched up. But i failed to honor him by showing my gratitude for his majesty in my life. I've been so caught up "in being everybody's friend" that I got burnt out and failed miserably in my dates with God. I think i stood him up way to many times.

There are plusses to making so many friends. I've grown somewhat dependent. Not quite to the extent of some of my friends. But i've learned to trust a little easier. I'm also learning not to judge. I'm learning to be open to people. Not necessarily to be open to new opportunities to try new things. But to accept people as the way they are. i admit. I have my own set of ideas of what or how a person should be. But who am I to be "God" bleh. me and my tendencies. So i'm also learning to back off. and not be so cynical and critical of others. People say that i'm a great listener....i don't really think so. What's a listener good for, if they can't give advice. I need to work on my listening skills, especially when it comes to listening to God and discerning his voice from mine.

i've reverted back to my "streams of consciousness" entries. I'm tired of always having to reread what i wrote. it's tedious. =)

I think what I have below is a good explanation of relationships...with the opposite sex.

3:16 pm - Guys and Girls: Clearing up the confusion
OK I'll break it down for all of you who argue with me when I go off on my speeches about girls and guys:

FIRST of all, all GIRLS are EVIL.
This is a fact and don't get mad, just take it, its ok.

SECOND of all, all GUYS are RETARDED.
This is also a fact, but most of us would agree, right?

MOST IMPORTANTLY though, girls don't choose to be evil, and guys don't choose to be retarded.

Further explanation:
Girls are evil for two reasons: Girls are evil because they attract guys. You're probably like, but that's not their fault. True. Nonetheless, guys are attracted to girls - and because guys are drawn to girls so easily and powerfully, girls are evil. Guys can't help it. In fact, the more a girl doesn't realize she's evil, the more evil she is. The second reason girls are evil: Girls are always questioning motives. Not always a bad thing, but its bad when they always do.
Guys, on the other hand, are just plain retarded. We are crude, perverted, insensitive, selfish, and we make bad decisions that apply to girls. We say the wrong things at the wrong time, and do exactly what we shouldn't have done at that crucial point, or at least, that crucial point to the girl. What makes guys ultimately dumb, however, is that we can't stop being drawn to women, and that is our ultimate downfall.

KEY POINT: There are exceptions.

Pulling it all TOGETHER:
FACT: guys will like girls with or without the girl's consent. Girls will like guys that "treat them right." Most guys are too dumb to "treat a girl right." Guys that DO treat a girl right (the exceptions) cause the girl to question his motives. This suspicion pulls her away, and she turns to guys that don't treat her right, but don't break the pattern of how guys should act. Guys that treat girls right, don't get the girl, and girls get hurt by guys that don't deserve the girl.

Girls are bitter because they feel like they trusted a guy and he let them down. They* withdraw themselves from other guys and they'll never find the guy that they can really trust.

Guys are bitter because they can't figure out why girls want a good guy, but then don't trust him when he does nice things. How can he make a girl happy?

Bottom Line: It works when a guy finds that girl with his vibe, and treats her right. From there, the girl trusts him and gives feedback. In other words, it takes an exception guy with an exception girl.

BTW: By "exceptions" I don't mean a guy that is an exception. I mean specific cases. A stupid dumb guy, could still have an exceptional case, where he is good for the girl. vice versa with "girls are* evil".

~Jeff

to see its original source, go here.

oohh. got back from the gym. feels really nice. sweaty and gross. =D

So, urm. Summer has been relaxing so far. Just been bumming around for the most part. Been spending a great deal of time with my family, especially Michael. Andy is usually working or involved with New Life. My daddy is going to China on Sunday. And my mom is busy with work as usual. Coming back home made me realize how much i really did miss my parents and my brothers and of course, tigger. But most of all, i did miss Michael the most. He teaches me a lot on patience and compromising...shh... don't tell him i said that =)

by the by, I want to go to Six Flags...wherever. Houston? Dallas? San Antonio? I just wanna see you guys. Let's get together...yeah. yeah. yeah.

OH! and does anyone wanna go see Josh Groban in CONCERT? He's going to be in Houston on August 14th. Please! Someone COME! I'm desparate!