i longingly gaze at this beautifully crafted wedding invitation that Klinton and Clara has graciously given to me. Only to be met with disappointment. I cannot go.

I'll already be in Waco and my parents see it as a impediment or an inconvenience to drive back for a wedding. Oh, how i see myself floating in a river of regret and discouragement after the wedding passes...

I am at my supervisor's beckon call

I feel like Christina Applegate's character in "Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead." I am just flooded with a lot of work. And in the midst of it all, I don't know what in th world I'm doing! I mean, I'm getting it done. But I don't know if i'm doing it right or the best that I could. I think this performance anxiety is going to bite me in the behind sooner or later.

At the same time, I'm learning where I got this anxiety. It's from my dad. He always put me to work. He told me to wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the laundry, wash the car, mow the lawn, walk the dog, buy groceries, vacuum the house, wipe the table, cook dinner, mop the floor, clean the bathroom, etc. Basically, ANY chore you can name, i've done. In the midst of being a good, disciplined girl, he would always lecture me on how to get it done. It must be scrubbed a certain way, you must do this however many times to get the stain out, and if I can't see through it, it means it's not cleaned. In other words, he wanted perfection. He wanted perfection in everything i did.

At the time, i found it tedious and absolute torture.

Now, I've come to realize that is what i've become. I've become soo task-oriented and performance driven that i'm afraid a lot of my creative juices have been squeezed out of me. I had great aspirations once. I had a list in mind of what i wanted to accomplish. Mostly, whimsical...but i did have dreams at one point in my life. But yeah, wonder what i would be like if i wasn't so focused on my inadequacies.

Anyway, I had a purpose to this blog. Ah, yes. I wanted to post a prayer. I wanted to post a prayer to those that have lost hope. Those that can't see the oh-so-bright light at the end of the tunnel. I know I for one, wish to see the pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow. To see reward or fruit of my labor, oh what a glorious day that would be.

Dear God. You are faithful. You have plans for your children. Plans that will flourish us. Make us successful. Not successful by the means of the world. But by your standards. In which, we find ourselves reluctant of putting our faith in anything else but you. Let us have hope in what you have plan for us for it builds our character to make us into leaders of your kingdom. I pray that with each trial we go through, you will be right there reassuring us of your faithfulness. God let us see the light. Reveal to us your WILL. We long to experience what you want for us.