I've come to a turning point in my life. I'm going to graduate in about a month, and I'm feeling like most graduates in my position would feel, fearing the unknown. I'm afraid I'm one of those college graduates that doesn't know what she wants to do now that she's graduated and dreads people asking, "So what are you doing now that you're done with school? Are you looking for a job? Do you have a boyfriend? When are you going to grow up, little girl?"
It's so daunting that I don't want to even think about it. Yes, I'm excited to finally finish school after 4.5 years of nonexistent studying and consistent procrastination (which is not completely true, but mostly), but I want to have a constant in my life. I fear that if I don't keep myself somewhat productive I may revert back to my destructive nature.
Anyway, that's just in the back of my head. Something I'll worry about later I suppose.
ASA is good, I suppose. Asian Fest is coming up. Although I'm missing a portion of it, I'm kind of relieved. Relieved that I won't have to pretend I want to be there when a big part of me doesn't. I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't have so much responsibility weighing me down when it comes to this event, but that's not true either. Every aspect that goes to event planning is so crucial and every issue must be communicated. I want so badly for ASA to go a certain route, but even when I try, there always seems to be opposition. Therefore, I become frustrated and end up conceding. Then, I run with my tail between my legs in the other direction because I have no where else to go.
I'm afraid I don't belong anymore, anywhere. Maybe it's because I have an issue with authority. Throughout my time as an ASA officer, I've always had an issue with the president. I may have this rebellious side of me that I didn't realize until I'm about to graduate. I suppose I hate people telling me what to do. I become defensive and therefore, retaliate by avoiding the situation altogether which would explain why I'm MIA when they need me the most. Thus, making me very unreliable. It's funny because I look back and I see it had happened with every single one of them.
I sorted through my pictures once again and I realize that I have much more loyalty to AFC than to ASA. Most of my pictures are of the family I've developed in AFC rather than the major events I contributed to in ASA. But, I look at both organizations and I don't see myself anymore.
All this to say, I don't belong.
Isn't that sad? My biggest fear after graduating is knowing that I hadn't made any impact at Baylor. My biggest fear is that people won't remember me at all. It's not that I want to be a legend, but I just want to be someone who participated and contributed much to the organizations that I was involved in. Is that too much? Noo, I don't think so. I hope not at least.
One more month, just one more month.