I dreamed about him again.

She was so close to him, it made me sick. And when he kissed her, I felt my stomach churn inside out.

Gross.

I dislike this feeling of jealousy.

God is unchanging.

Knowing that truth, when I say I don't feel God's presence in my life as much as I used to, I have to ask myself, 'Who moved?'

I must have.

Anything new?

Nope.

Nothing new.

But I am excited about the holidays coming up.

My family and I are preparing for my mother's departure to Taiwan. She took a week off from work to throw out junk and clean the house. She occasionally asks if I'm scared.

Am I scared?

By the grace of God, I'm not. Perhaps I can't comprehend the severity of the situation and that's why she constantly asks me. She asks only because she's fearful for me.

I have a feeling that once she leaves that reality will kick in. I'm trying my hardest not to give up or to completely unravel and lose control. I have to believe in God's faithfulness and provision.

Why was I created?

As I was brushing my teeth this morning, I was thinking about all the things I needed to get done at work. While having a friendly new boss is refreshing, much responsibility has been suddenly passed down to me since my former boss was a scape goat for most of the facility management of the bank. And then I had to recheck myself, I'm not at work yet. And I could hear a soft voice in my head say, "Worship me." I took a deep breath and thought about God. When He wants me to worship Him, what does that mean?

Some of my friends are enjoying the honeymoon phase of a relationship and the bulk of my other friends are agonizing over being single. I'm somewhere in the middle. Lately, I've noticed a theme spoken in my life; the sin of idolatry. Idolatry is simply anything valued above God. To be completely honest, the infatuation of being in a relationship has plagued my mind the most. I've been single for a good 3 years after having a relationship that was dishonoring God. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I'm thankful for Christ and am trying to earnestly seeking after Him, but I'm not completely content. I constantly struggle with God concerning the issue of being single. I know that this season of being single is wholly devoted to Him and I have no qualms about it. I just often wonder if I have the future gift of singleness and if so, am I ready to take up the challenge of being potentially single for the rest of my life?

Some days...I wake up full of joy for the day to come. Some days...I wake up apathetic for work. Some days...I wake up only wanting to go back to sleep. Some days...I wake up sad about my life circumstances. Some days...I just don't want to live.

I have thoughts that are going at the speed of about 100 miles per minute. I have all these observations and desires, but do I actually follow through with them? Am I supposed to idly wait for an opportunity to fall into my laps? Or do I make opportunities for myself? Is there ever a time where things are comfortable enough for me to settle down? Do I wait or do I act? Will I act? How will I respond? Do I respond to the call? What is the call? At this point in time where life is so uncertain and fragile, how will I respond to the cup that has been given me?

Do I let go and let God? At which point do I let go of the things that I've held onto for so long? To leave that place of comfort and be used fully in God's purposes and plans. Is it worth it all? Are these desires and longings really from God? And say these are from God, will I be alone in all of this? Does anybody else have these same passions? Are these God-driven purposes? Or are they selfish, fleshly desires to make myself look like I'm entitled to my own self-righteousness?

Desperate longing.

God,

I can't see the future. I don't really know how to make a decision on my own. I never have. I always needed someone to lead me. I always needed someone to tell me what to do, so that I can follow their leading. As much as I want to think I was and am independent and can fend for myself, I am completely lost. I'm not sure where my life is going. Those desires that I thought were once in my grasp are seemingly slipping away.

I am frustrated and I am torn, once again. And suddenly am lost.

But I know that you are here. It says in Your Word that you have plans for me. Lord, you have plans to prosper me. You've given me this life, so that I can honor You in all that I do. God, would you lead me? I pray for direction. A new direction. I may not know where I am going and I may not know how I'm getting there. But you are my mode of transportation, you are my destination, and ultimately, you are my companion.

God, please renew my soul.

Honesty.

I'm tired of being the best friend.

taboo

What's another word for afraid?

Scared?
Frightened?

No, when it's nighttime and it's dark, how do you feel?

SCARED SHITLESS!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAH

Free acts of service?

Today, I was driving home from work. And I stopped at the intersection of Beechnut and Beltway 8. As I waited patiently for the light to turn green, a man comes with a bottle and squeegee to wash my windshield. He didn't glance over to me to see if I wanted it. I waved no. But he did it anyway. Gah, now, I start to think do I or don't I? Well, I'm about giving and receiving, very transactional. But I didn't ask him to do it, I even signaled, "NO." And if I do roll down my window, who knows what he'll do. But then, if I don't roll down my window, he'd be like what's up? and may even do something worse. So I resolve, No. I didn't ask for it, why should I pay for it? After he was done, he gestured, "whaddup?" by raising his arms in like a do-you-want-to-fight sort of way.

And I gave him my shy, I-don't-want-to-give-you-money-but-I-appreciate-the-thought look. haha. And he went on his way.

Today, my coworkers talked about inter-racial dating. I don't see color. But I know my family does. I know I'm open to dating other races. But, I have to keep in mind the future. Goodness, what to do.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

skepticism

Men.

I hear stories. It saddens me. Leaves me with less hope each day. God, please forgive me. Please let me love without borders.

Star Trek

Fandango sends me an email to ask about my Star Trek: IMAX experience.

Well, let me tell you, it was amazing. I loved the movie. Haven't seen such a good action movie in a long time.

My favorite character is Spock. Logical and robotic, yet so fragile and human. Love it.

Will expand further later on. Need to sleep.

relationship talk

So, yah. In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to talk about how amazing my mom is.

My mom is so amazing. She has carried the weight of our family on her shoulders for most of my life, and possibly since she first got married. And because of her love for our family, I now see how much love she has and I respond in kind. I wish to give her all the love that she deserves plus the love God gives through me...which is the best love ever.

My mom is a soldier. Because she has carried the weight, she has been through so much pain, neglect, despair, and disappointment day in and out. But God is completely restoring her soul and healing her where wounds have run deep.

Her love is astounding. Her love for even our dog runs so deep. She loves us so much that she's willing to lay down her selfish desires and simply live for the family.

Goodness, when I become a mom, I would be amazed if I were half the woman she is now. She is so strong and courageous. She is so meek and humble. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. She brought me into the world and have constantly looked out for my best interest. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful mother. There is no other like her. I couldn't have asked for a better blessing than the self-sacrificing love from a mom.

In other news, I'm constantly skeptical about relationships now. that's all. Will expand later, maybe.

basketball equals life?

So playoffs. Rockets versus the world.

Don't strangle me, but I don't understand the appeal of watching basketball. I'd much rather play sports than just watch it. And if I do watch sports, I only watch cause my friends are playing (ie intramurals). There just seems to be too much hype that I may never understand. Well, maybe one day I will if I pledge loyalty to one particular city, not being Houston.

In other news, God is so good. Today, I realize that my past doesn't matter. It has shaped who I am today. But living in the past only causes you to move backward in time. The present is happening now and the future is only seconds away. And with each second, passes a minute, then an hour, and before you know it, the entire day has flown by without you knowing it because you're still holding on to that first second or that distant memory that happen a billion seconds ago.

What else? I've also come to the realization that what people think about me doesn't matter. I mean, I care what people think and how they feel about life. But what they think of me is not a concern for me. They may think all they want. But I answer to God. And I want my life to exemplify the blood of Christ and what that shed blood means for me and for the rest of the world.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about accountability. If I've done wrong, I want people to confront me about it. But I don't mean to sound self-righteous or conceited, but it doesn't happen often that people call me out. I don't know whether they're afraid of calling me out or I'm just to quiet of a girl for them to notice that I've done wrong and my mistakes slip through the cracks. But again, I'll answer to God for any lack of faith or disobedience.

I've also learned that I can't force people to say anything. Often times, I find my curiosity biting me in the butt. I ask too many questions or I become so nosy that people get irritated at me for invading their hoola hoop. But I'm not doing it out of malicious intent. It's purely out of concern and wanting to hear your story. And how can I pray for you if I don't understand? I don't know. This relationship thing is hard.

God, grant me patience to love and love without ceasing.

Maybe basketball does translate into life. Flagrant foul, hah.

Love is patient.

How have my expectations of men suddenly risen exponentially? I'm so much more hurt now than when I didn't desire to follow the Lord. I don't understand. I thought it would be easier to trust and love with God on my side.

I've given more of my soul and my heart in the last three weeks than I ever had in the last 24 years of my life. It has been rewarding and beautiful, but needless to say, I'm broken down constantly.

trust. forgive. love. will I?

Plea

God,

Will you be here now? This world doesn't make much sense to me. Please help.

Grace