Healing doesn't come in the future. It comes the moment you ask for it.

Dah! When you ask something from God, you get it. It's really awesome how simple it really is. You ask, receive. Ask. Receive. My prayers, one after the other, have been repetitively answered. Glory to God! I'm just ecstatic that there's someone so much more divine than anything on this earth that knows me so intimately.

Nothing much has been going on in this soul. Just been dwelling in the peace of God.

The bigger the trial, the longer the grace period. Just experiencing a whole lot of grace.

I get so frustrated when I find out why I beat myself up so much. Because I can't get out of the habit of constantly reminding myself that I need to do better at this and at that. When I don't exceed my limits, I think I'm a failure. School has been constantly pressuring me. The competition. The wickedness. So much pain, so much trivial nonsense. I don't want to compromise who I am, what my identity is, to the world. But often times, I get lost in it. I hate school with a passion just because my ears hear things that I really really really don't need to hear. My eyes don't need to see the things that I see. I even wish that I can rip off my eyes and ears so I don't sin. It's THAT painful for me. I hear about girls who have been cheated on, who have been sexually used, who have been utterly wronged. My soul grieves for them. I am in utter despair for some reason, every time.

My heart is in pain because I can't ever be so pure if there's so much sin out there just by the things I hear and am exposed to. Just last week, we went to the movies. During the movie, some person had called out an sexual reference. Dude, I could not stand being in there. Everybody was laughing, and I found no humor whatsoever. My heart grieves so. I told myself to brush it off, to just brush it off. But I couldn't. My soul needed to be released. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to be goody two shoes. But within me, I was sad. And then started my deep fall into depression. All I saw was wickedness. All I felt was despair of what the world has become and that integrated into my school work, my family, and my close ones. I had lost so much hope and trust and I thought, what's the use, God? What's the use? You try to lead people to Christ. You become such a witness for Christ. You are in complete reverence of your one God. But it seems as if you're the only one.

But I need to stop thinking that. My God is bigger than this entire world. If he can saved an entire city during a revival, surely he can save as many people as there is in a movie theater. He created me and you. He created the earth, the heavens, and everything in it. There's something magnificent about that don't you think? People have lost faith. People have been accustomed to this world. Compromising themselves because that's how their friends are. Making it harder on themselves when it's time to show them that little piece of paper that says, "Do you know for sure that you are going to heaven?"

A few weeks back, my teacher had asked us to write an essay about time travel. If we could go back in time or forward, when and why? At first I was like, Dude, I'd go see my Savior in an heartbeat. But instead, I wrote about going back to the 60s to see Martin Luther King speak, a time of doo wop music and Leave it to Beaver generation. I compromised. DANG IT. I hate compromising. It shows that you'll change your ideals and priorities just so you won't be ridiculed. So this guy, Danny in my class, a devout Catholic, stands in front of the class and says, "If I can go back in time, I'd go to the time of the Roman Empire to witness Jesus and his miracles and also the 1st century church."

What makes you holy. What makes you true. Go for it. Don't compromise. Don't compromise to the ways of the world. For you are not of the world. Be salt and light. Be a soldier for Christ. Be little children of God, full of faith, so excited to speak Truth into people's lives. I'm trying my best. I'm praying as much as I can. I know I'll never be perfect. But YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT JESUS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANT GOD TO RULE IN MY LIFE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED GOD.

Sorry, I had went on a tangent. From now on, no structure, no formality. I'm just gonna spit out what's on my mind at the moment. May not make sense, but that's quite all right.

Anyway. School. I hate school with a passion. ESPECIALLY CLEMENTS. Do not go to Clements High School. I don't recommend going there at all. There's so much bad stuff there. Sex, pride, sin, complacency, drugs, competition, wickedness of the world, trivial matters, alcohol, just to name a few. There's sin and I can't seem to avoid it. Blah. I mean sin is sin, no matter how extreme it may be. There's no degree of sin. It's just all there. yuck.

I'm crying out to God now. I don't want to criticize about how they sinful they are anymore. I cry out to God saying, "God, I'm so pitiful compared to your majesty. I am not worthy to be called yours. But by your grace, you have chosen me. Jesus, Thank you for enduring the cross. Jesus, I ask for your hand to be upon these people at my school. I've prayed for a school-wide revival. People praising your name while at school, singing songs of joy, shouting with freedom. I believe, God. I believe you can do the imaginable if there's faith, Lord God. I know you are true and you are Greater than anyone on this Earth. May your Glory shine through my school. May your grace fall upon these people. These people that need you so, Lord God. May you make yourself known. Surround me with angels that I may not fall into temptation. Fill this void of my soul with your Word and your Spirit, Oh God. May I be a witness for you, Jesus. May I resonate your power and your might through my actions, my words."

I think the initial purpose of this blog was to say why I've been depressed. But as I digressed, I forget. =P So the reason. I've had stuggles determining my worth and my place in this world. I thought maybe if I had a boyfriend, I'd be satisfied and feel wanted. But that didn't work out. So maybe intellect is where I'm suppose to succeed. Nope not there either. Maybe I can find comfort in my family. But I just got more hurt in the end. How about my friends? hmmm...nope. SO I felt worthless. Felt stupid. Felt alone. Felt extremely betrayed. Therefore, that little green goblin depression came about. Ugh. I still can't believe I went through that. ANYWAY. My worth is not found in school, relationships, or anything that is temporary. Am I willing to sacrifice what I'm comfortable with and go to my Lord? God was telling me, "Boyfriend? No, you won't find it there. School? You'll definitely won't find it there. Friends? No, although they may help, they won't make you have joy. Nope, none of these things will make you fulfilled, satisfied, full of joy, or even remotely complete."

I simply needed to repent for my sin and my depression and recognize that God is MY God. Not school not anything else. Just God. If I think that anything else can fill my void, I'm a fool. But God. man

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." 1 Corinthians 1:27

Thank God. Thank God, he uses stupid people. People who are "least likely to succeed". That's me. The Grace that mumbles when she talks. The girl who is oblivious to the things that are around her. The girl who is often absent-minded. The girl who is "introverted" and can't share her feelings. The silent quiet stupid Grace who God chose for some reason. I don't know the reason yet. But I've got to give all I got to please my Lord.

Loneliness

stranded ashore a little island
standing with a strawed coconut
with anybody, but nobody around

driven into a valley
dropped along the road
thats it
waddling to find a way home

flying off of Niagra Falls
dropping 30 stories from bungee cord
climbing Mount Everest
turned to left, right
nothing, no one
deserted
abandoned
alone

estranged beyond this little world
in itself caught by a web
uneasily untangled
integrity, honesty, loyalty
nothing is tangible

"All the world's a stage, we're merely actors playing a part."

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouting." Job 8:21

Sometimes, you just gotta scream.

I was reading Job today at school. Man, this guy is really depressed. I can see why. His entire world was turned upside-down.
"I loathe my very life; therefore I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul." Job 10:1

As I was reading, I realized that I don't have it that bad. There were times, however, that I could really really relate to what he was going through. When I read it, I was like, "Whoa, sounds kind of like... me."

Let me clarify. I'm pretty sure there's a lot of brothers and sisters that have called upon the name of the Lord with bitterness and resentment because of the excruciating amount of torture and pain that we've all been through. Well, this guy did, at first, but in the end he put his flesh aside, and lift the Lord's name in high regard.

That's what we do. We go through shit. We see a way out, which is God's mercy and grace. And then we're all praising God.

God wants us to turn from our ways, our flesh, and serve Him, even when we go through so much poop. For me, it's been so damn repetitive. It's the sin. Someone once said to me, to sin is insanity, you keep doing it over and over and over again, but it never appeases you, it never satisfies you, it only lures you away from your Creator. It's kind of like banging your head against the wall. You do it once, and then you say, "ow!" But like the idiot that you are, you go back and bang your head again. Over and over...

So I put into account that though I know that God is the ONLY means of satisfaction, I know I'll end up sinning again, and then I shall repent and repent and repent until the day that I die. *sigh* When will this cycle ever end.

But I rejoice

Again, I say rejoice. For the Kingdom of heaven is near.

I'm updating at school. The day is passing by soo slow. I think it's due to the fact that teachers are tired of the students and the students are tired of the teachers. No work is being handed out because finals are coming up and I have nothing to do because I'm exempt from most...well all of my classes but one. I'm bored out of my mind. Need something to do. Maybe skip school and go see Star Wars...hmm...

"Goddess Bless"

It was a bumper sticker that I saw on the way home today. At first, I was like what does that mean? But then I was like ohhh, i see. It's a reference that God is a female rather than a male. Never thought of it as the issue of femininity. *shrugs*

Our Choir show was a few nights ago. One of the songs for pre-show was this song by Janis Ian.

At seventeen

I learned the truth at seventeen
that love was meant for beauty queens
and high school girls with clear skinned smiles
who married young and then retired
the valentines I never knew
the Friday night charades of youth
were spent on one more beautiful
at seventeen i learned the truth
And those of us with ravaged faces
lacking in the social graces
desperately remained at home
inventing lovers on the phone
who called to say - come dance with me
and murmured vague obscenities
it isn't all it seems at seventeen
A brown eyed girl in hand me downs
whose name I never could pronounce
said - pity please the ones who serve
they only get what they deserve
the rich relationed hometown queen
marries into what she needs
with a guarantee of company
and haven for the elderly
So remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain
in debentures of quality and dubious integrity
their small-town eyes will gape at you
in dull surprise when payment due
exceeds accounts received at seventeen

To those of us who knew the pain
of valentines that never came
and those whose names were never called
when choosing sides for basketball
it was long ago and far away
the world was younger than today
when dreams were all they gave for free
to ugly duckling girls like me
We all play the game, and when we dare
we cheat ourselves at solitaire
inventing lovers on the phone
repenting other lives unknown
that call and say - come on, dance with me
and murmur vague obscenities
at ugly girls like me, at seventeen

Ain't that the truth...

O my soul
make a joyful noise
be it loud or soft
sing a song to the Lord
whether sad or happy
sing unto to the Lord like never before
for this is pleasing to the King.

Yellow Roses

Early morning
Sprung into the light
with exuberant joy
sweet and yellow, fragrant with love
enlightening the lives of humans

Dusk touches the earth
Drooped with sorrow
so sad, as if broken in spirit
looking down, petals flee
dead, falling apart

my yellow roses look so sad

I feel like a middle school girl. hehe. So, there's this guy. He's cute. He's funny. He's a believer. But I can't approach him. I don't know how to. Like I said before, I haven't had a good history with guys so I stay away from them as much as I can. But what if my heart wants to do what my mind doesn't? Then I'm torn.

What should I do?

confused

I could have met you in a sandbox
I could have passed you on the sidewalk
Could I have missed my chance
And watched you walk away?
- Love Song For No One John Mayer

I wonder if love is just a fairy tale
A lovely, sweet feeling
only used for storytelling and fantasy
A warm, fuzzy feeling
only to last 90 minutes in a movie theater
Well, it's the only love I'll ever know
for this heart of mine can't seem to feel
this warm light-headed feeling

Friday night I had such a bad bad dream. It was all of my worst and most depressing thoughts into one whole basket. This is how it went. I had to take the SATs. But I wanted to stop by a concert of my friends. As I stepped into the coffee shop, I realized it wasn't the band I knew. I wanted to call my friend to find out what happened. I realized I had ran out of battery, but I called anyway. She said, "Oh, we're not playing there. I decided a week ago I didn't want to play at THAT coffee shop" and she hung up. Great. It reminded me of how my friends didn't call me up when there was something going on. I felt left out. A loner. My heart started to crush. I decided to hang out a bit. Listened to the music. Looking around to see so many people having fun while I sat, alone. I just wanted to see a friendly face. And then I said, the hell with that. I needed to take the SATs. The anxiety kicks in and I start to run. But then I saw my old youth pastor Long. It was great seein' him again. I went up to him. I said, "Hi Long!" and just I suspected he went, "Hi GRACE, I haven't seen you for the longest time, how are you?". He always made me feel special no matter what. Well, after I told him why I was there, we had that awkard moment of silence which was really really really freaky. And so I thought, "maybe we can talk about God because I know he loves God". And so I sat down and started to tell him about what God has been doing in my life. At first he looked as if he was absolutely interested, but then, this beautiful girl comes by and he starts to hit on her totally ignoring me, as if I was oblivious to him. I stormed out of the coffee shop. I ran with tears to the parking lot. I have a good memory as to locating my car. But for some reason my car wasn't where I had parked. I ran eveywhere. I searched through each area. For some reason, I couldn't find it. The day was beginning to drag on. "I had to take that SAT test, if I dont' my dad's going to kill me" I said to myself. You know that feeling of total confusion, frustration, anguish, fear, and despair all in one when you get lost? Well, multiply that by 1000, that's how I felt in the dream. Then I went back to the coffee shop. Some lady comes up to me and asks me for a ride. I said okay. okay? OKAY? I can't even find my car, how can I take someone home? Well, I went to the parking lot I had originally thought it was. And guess what? It was there all right. But...it had been totalled. It looked as if someone to a sledgehammer and knocked the hell out of it. Out of ALL the damn cars, MY CAR was smashed. I didn't understand it at all. I fell down to my knees and cried like a baby. I cried and had no understanding of love or kindness or joy. All I felt was despair, frustration, fear, anxiety, depression, and most of all, insane. All I wanted to do was kill myself. All I wanted was to release me of the pain I was going through.

Prom tomorrow. Here's to the Night...what a nice theme. A couple friends of mine are going to prom because their bf or gf are seniors. Have fun, yo!

I don't know yet. I most likely will not attend the class of 2002/2003 prom. I frankly don't want to. Don't force me to do something I don't want to do, or I kick yo behind! =P