Complete exhaustion.

I am so tired.

In the past month, I've gone out so much I don't think my dog recognizes me anymore. He bit me and I'm a bit upset at him for it. Anyway, when i first started working, I took every opportunity to rest and sleep on the weekends. But lately, I am constantly going out. I don't know if it's the holiday buzz and that I'm always itching to go out, but I'm getting burnt out. And the sad thing is, I don't really know where my time has went and I haven't had much time to evaluate myself in all of the busyness. And it's not like my time is spent helping others or anything selfless. It's all really selfish.

Today, I thought to myself, why am I constantly going out? Is it because I'm running away or avoiding the inevitable? Or is it because I can't say no? It's probably both. But what am i doing? I think the more I go out, the more lost I become. I'm in social situations where I'm uncomfortable and awkward where I could be at home cleaning my room for my feng shui. I'm eating more and more where I could be at the gym walking off that love handle...probably should be doing more than walking, but I'm not even doing that! Anyway, the more unfamiliar the territory, the more quiet I become. I tell myself, there's nothing wrong with being quiet and sweet. If they don't like you, it's their loss, not yours. Don't try to be somebody you know you can't be.

I also am so guarded that it hurts. I've built a fortress with an iron gate around my heart and the fortress continues to build and become impenetrable. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows. I'll sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning.

note: must be nicer to guys...they have feelings too.

theory

I have a theory. I believe the reason that I, among all cute girls, don't have a boyfriend is because I'm too cute.

Now, please stay with me. No, I'm not full of myself nor am I delusional. The reason why is because guys are naturally more visual and therefore, more inclined to be attracted to girls that have a more obvious beauty. So girls like me are left to feel insecure and alone. But the only justification I have is not that I'm not good enough or there's something inherently gross about my demeanor. I've concluded that I'm too cute. Guys see me and I remind them of a little girl, a child, a little sister. So, naturally, they wouldn't pursue someone what reminds them of a sister. What eventually happens is that I'm seen as a friend, someone they can confide in about their endeavors with women and the hot date they have at the end of the week.

...maybe a little delusional.

*sigh. It's sad. Every time I meet a guy, I immediately think of what are the chances of me being attracted to him. Usually it's a no, but why do I do that? I think every chance I meet a guy is an opportunity to meet the man of my life. Is that wrong? Should I have a healthier mentality about men? And if I do need to shift gears, how do I consciously stop looking? I imagine myself, talking to myself, "Stop looking, stop loooking, STOP LOOKING!" Really?

Maybe, just maybe. Guys' standards have risen as well. Granted, I haven't talked to too many guys. But maybe the reason that all my friends are single isn't because there's something wrong with us, but something wrong with them! Ha. They just can't see a good thing coming unless it hits them.

No, no, no. I'm starting to think too much or too wayward. God is in charge. he appoints the one we're to be with under the appropriate circumstances. There's no need to rush or come to hasty conclusions because God's plan is perfect. I just need to believe in His perfection and have faith in His provision. Will I ever learn?

Memorial Weekend Festivities.

Friday:
After work, I went to Chinese Community Center to watch Ivan and Joann play ping-pong. I had no intention of playing, but once Ivan's Dad had arrived, I became Joann's opponent. I had left my converse shoes in my trunk from the week before so I was in my work clothes while wearing my pink and white flowers converses. Played until 8 and Joann and I went to church to prepare decorations for VBS. I was exhausted, hungry, and grumpy, moreso, grumpy because I was exhausted and hungry. But it was productive.

Saturday:
I woke up late so I didn't make it in time for Body Works Plus Abs at LA Fitness. But I went to the gym anyway. Met up with Jennifer, made some dinner plans, and said goodbyes. I ran for a bit and went home to take a shower. Elaine calls and asks if I want to run some errands with her, but I had made plans to watch Iron Man with Michael. So, I asked if she wanted to come along. Unfortunately, Michael is sick. It ended up just being Elaine and I watching the movie that we've both have already seen which I think is kind of funny. Iron Man is still good the second time around. Afterwards, we went to Cheesecake Factory because Elaine was craving the Santa Fe salad. Then Joann met us up to eat our cheesecake and to go with us to order VBS t-shirts. After we talked to the store owner about the details for our t-shirt design, we went to swirll because I hadn't seen the self-serve machines. Met Elizabeth's brother and politely greeted the store owner, Ken. Then I went back to Sugar Land to eat dinner with Jen and Howie at Ichiban. It was okay. Not as good as I thought it would be. Elaine invited me to hang out with her friends at Genjy's so I went. It was kind of awkward, but after two beers, I was beginning to feel more loose. We sang karaoke and drank. Then we went to KTV for more karaoke and more drinking. I think I drank too much, so Joann drove me home while Elaine followed behind.

Sunday:
Church. Enjoy Life. Everything is meaningless. VBS decorations afterwards. I was getting delusional from the lack of sleep. We agreed to go watch Narnia at 5 so we went to Starbucks for some energy and to kill time. Movie was good. PRINCE CASPIAN is mine. He is not the next Orlando Bloom. Then ate dinner at TGIF.

I really enjoyed the movie. Not only was it because of Prince Caspian himself, but I really enjoy movies that have Christian elements integrated into the plot line. Even though the references were subtle, it was done tastefully well.

I can't stop looking. I can't help but look. I wonder if it's really true that once you stop looking, love will hit you without you knowing it. I've been told that since I consciously and constantly look for love, it is less likely to happen.

miscommunication

It's odd. A lot of miscommunication happens between me and other parties. I think I've engaged in about a dozen of cases where there was miscommunication between myself and friends, co-workers, siblings and/or a family member, a customer service rep, and just random people I run into day-to-day.

Does this happen to you? There's a break-down in communication and there's an awkward period of time where you wonder if you were able to transmit/receive the message accurately. Happens to me all the time. And I pride myself in being a good listener, for crying out loud.

aiye.

So, I'm back in my mode again. Asking God: Where's my man? haha. Would it be best to be with someone completely unlike me and follow the classic line of "opposites attract"? I usually think that's best because I'm already kind of reserved. I need someone to get me out of my shell. I also think about where am I going to find this guy? I think I'm pretty settled down. And there aren't any guys that have stricken me down with googly-eyed, heart-pumping, mumbling symptoms. Where is he? But then I catch myself in my daydreaming and wonder, why don't I ask God?

Because I want what I want which isn't necessarily what I need. And only God knows what I need. Unfortunately, what God knows isn't what I know. But it must be better! It has to be, it has to be!

Check one.

I got a job! I'm officially an employee at Golden Bank, N.A. My first week was pretty much a roller coaster. I've already had a few good days and some dreadful days. I'm already getting that Gah-I-have-to-work-but-I-go-anyway feeling.

I was talking to Ivan about growing up and getting a job. He mentioned that since I have a job, the next logical step is to get married. I hadn't even thought about marriage. Of course I've thought about relationships (practically all my life), but it never occurred to me that it's now. Marriage? Really? Well, of course, it depends on what you're doing and where you're at in life. But Really? But I'm not really interested in marriage just yet. Maybe a relationship though.

So now, I'm thinking about "what's next?" Where will God take me? Where will my friends and I stand in our relationships? How will my family adjust to our coming transitions? Do I focus more on my career or my family aspirations?

I guess all these questions will be answered in the future. For now, I'm going to look to God because no one else will do.

Capricorn Horoscope
Wednesday April 2, 2008

Your foundations are rattled and you need to quickly figure out the best way to maintain stability. It's really not as bad as it first appears and you could become very excited about the possibilities. The greatest obstacle could be your resistance to uncertainty. You like to feel secure by building on solid ground, but may have to live with less structure for a while. Let your exhilaration override your fears now.

wish-list

A lot has been running through my head lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the root of it all is that I wish for things that I cannot have or for change that I find impossible.

Grace's wishes that may or may not come true list: (3/08)
I wish for a...
job
baby
boyfriend
nice body
masters degree
singing career

It's times like these that I really miss my girls. Even though they're a phone call away, I find talking on the phone awkward and frightening. I'm notorious for screening my phone calls. I don't even know why I do that. Anyway, I digress. I miss them. This is where I wish I lived closer to them. I can talk to them because they lived right across the street. I can run into them between classes. I can play hooky and go out to eat lunch with them and make fun of each other.

It's not personal, it's strictly business

Why do I take things so personal? Why do I read so much into what people say or do? Why do women get so emotionally stirred?

It's not personal, it's just good business.

Right. That's why there's no women in executive boards. That's why there's a glass ceiling. We get too caught up about how we feel or how others feel rather than on cold hard facts.

I need to have this mentality. It's not personal. Don't think so much. Don't take offense. I've taken rejection before. How is this any different?

It's not, I keep telling myself, It's not. Be strong. Be faithful. Be good.

I love music.
I love singing.
I love dancing.
I love watching people dance.
I love performing.
I love playing guitar.
I love watching movies.
I love making people laugh.
I love to travel.
I love experiencing new things.
I love...love.

bored much.

For my church small group, we're going through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruits of the Spirit. It's a 10-week study guide and since we only meet once a month, this study guide is going to last the span of a year for us. woohoo. Before we meet, we're to have the section done. This past Wednesday night was our first session. It was a good one. Good one to come to since I've been back.

...I wrote this long explanation of what had spoken to me. But I decided to not ruin the book for you. I may update with spiritual epiphanies in the future. But for now, "I am bored with God and that's not good" is sufficient.

Passport Renewal

As I waited to get my passport renewed, this guy's daugther kept staring at me and waving at me. She was about 2 or 3 years old. I tried to be cool because I don't really know how to interact with kids and waved back. But she just kept staring at me and tried to inch towards me every few minutes. Her father noticed this and kept pulling her back. She shows me her drawing (which was simply some scribbles on a sheet of paper) as if to say, "Look at my awesome drawing!" I nodded and smiled. She mumbled something. And I replied, "Huh?" with a stupified expression on my face. The father smiled politely at me and went back to speaking with the agent. A few moments later, the agent reached over to the girl and exclaimed, "That's a beautiful picture! A beautiful picture!"

The little girl looked at her and then looked away and then at me and inched towards me again. The father pulled her back.

The agent says, "She doesn't like me. She keeps flirting with that lady over there."

complacency.

Don't settle. Don't settle for mediocrity. You were meant for great things. Don't let circumstances or situations determine your standards. Aim high.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.

ambiguous

Looking for a job is tough. I haven't been hired yet. I'm totally qualified and selling myself. But it's not enough. I was wondering if the fact that I look like a high school student hindering me from getting a job.

Do you have the gift of singlehood? No, I don't believe I do. I'm constantly wondering and praying about my future husband. I kind of wish I had the gift of singlehood. That would make my life so much easier. That way, I could focus on God and his plans for me. I wonder if I should pray for the gift of singlehood. But then, I'll have the fear of it coming true once I start praying for it.

Maybe I'll just stay where I am...stagnant.