a note.

It’s been two years since we went to Las Vegas. I just came back from Las Vegas. When I arrived at Las Vegas, I realized the last time I was there, I was there with you. Then I started to think about all that has happened in the last two years. I hate how we ended things. I don’t know if it was my fault or how the circumstances led us there.

I just wish we had made things more clear. I remember asking you about us, but I don’t think I ever really got an answer.

My heart is broken. I’m sorry you had to break it.

I hear you have a girlfriend now. I wish the best for the two of you.

Long day.

I woke up at 10 today feeling kind of happy which was good. I had a final today at 2. It was okay I guess. I was so nervous. My final was for guitar. Aye. I have a real problem with getting my rhythm and tempo in sync. My guitar class was probably the class that I enjoyed the most because I see my progress and see results of my hard work, my time, and my effort. Afterwards, I went home. And a little while later, Mika calls me and tells me that they're shaving Eric's head. I was super excited so I got my camera and ran over to Andrew's to see the event. It was awesome. Eric had a mullet by the time I got there and Andrew did most of the dirty work. Later on, Hongya trimmed and shaped a little more. Just as I thought we were finished, the guys suggest that Eric gets a fade because there was a knick on the side of his head. So Daniel fixes it. Afterwards, it looked a lot better. I was really hungry by this time because I was waiting for the girls to call me for lunch. By this time it was 4:30pm. So Steve and I went to Dairy Queen. Then I dropped by Stacy's place. Then I went to Cameron Park to watch Andrew and Anthony burn their books. It was rather cool. Then we went to go eat BW3s and it had only been 2 hours before that I had eaten. After BW3s, Mika and I went to Cheddar's to get dessert. Then I brought my gamecube over to Mika's to play. We played Super Smash Bros for a couple of hours. Then Daniel brought over Mario Tennis and Mario Kart. We played that for awhile. I don't know what time we stopped but I think it was around 2:30am. For an hour and a half, we talked and joked around and interrogated Hongya. It was entertaining. At around 4, the guys decide to go eat and I go with them because I'm still not tired. We went to IHOP and that's the last time I ate.

The point of this blog is what I'm about to express. By the time it's the end of the day and while I'm writing this blog, I'm sad and feeling kind of shitty. While we were at IHOP, we talked about Peter, saying how he was pretty much set once he got to college. His life was in line. And then, we talked about Hongya, saying how he is pretty smart and going places too. Then I asked Daniel and Steve how it feels to be super seniors. Both of them said, "Pretty crappy." Steve said that people are getting jobs, getting into med school, and just getting on with their lives. Daniel said that everybody has left while he's still here in school.

And then, I thought maan, it really isn't that great of a feeling, knowing that you are behind and everyone else is going forward and it seems like you're standing still in time.

And now, I'm just fearful of going home at all. I am a failure and it sucks knowing that.

But you make the best of it...

I can't sleep. Maybe if I sleep I'll just forget all my worries. I hope. Please.

Ramblings.

I had a dream and in that dream, my friends were telling me to update my blog.

So, here am I, updating my blog for you, my friends in my dream.

Man, finals are almost over. I have one more tomorrow. And I really don't want to take it. But I must. I like the feeling of how as each final I finish, the less stressed I feel. But then again, I'm reminded that I have to go home. And home. is sometimes where I least want to be. It's quite sad how I do not miss home. I miss my family but I don't miss that house that I live in. That house should be the thing that I look forward to. My room, my bed, my memories, my treasured gifts from friends. Oddly enough, I'm scared of going home. Maybe it's cause my Dad will be there and it'll be the first time in a year that I'll see him. I'm hoping he'll love me and show enough compassion for me just as that man did for his prodigal son.

In my dream, my dad was in there too. Strangely enough, he was rather depressed. I don't know exactly why he was depressed but he wasn't his usual self or the Dad that I remember before he left for China.

I'm really afraid to see my Dad. There. I said it. I'm afraid to see Dad. I'm hoping he doesn't criticize me or chastise me about my grades or about my body or anything about me that could possibly hurt me all over again.

Another thing that's on my mind, if you guys are curious, is that I'm really pessimistic. Yeah, I know I mentioned this once before, but lately, it's been blatantly clear in my head that I'm very cynical. Maybe I'm not pessimistic, maybe I'm just cynical. I don't take things at face value. I have this tendency to be skeptical. I always push for people to tell me more. Instead of just a few words. Unfortunately, people only want a few words out of me, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, I ramble. I think I just realized my pattern. I hate boys. Because, well, they hurt you. And the worst part of it is that they don't realize that they've hurt you unless you tell them. I didn't tell either one of them. I guess to fake that I'm okay or that I'm strong or that I'm better without you which is all true...but at what price? my broken heart?

My heart is broken at least for awhile. In fact, it'll be a long while before I'm interested in anybody. I should have learned that that first time around.

boys are rotten.

But I have to have hope right? God has somebody in store for me, right? There must be a guy that can take my stubborn-ness, my cynicism, and my depression, right? I hope he doesn't take me at face value. That would be a bummer. I hope he takes the good in with the bad. I have good qualities. Actually, I think I'm an awesome catch. Boys should be lining up to meet me. haha. But only in my dreams right? yeah. But it's okay. I'll live only for God now. That's all I really want to do anyway.

Christmas wish-list

Since I have a couple of hours to spare before i study for another final, I've decided to compile a wish-list.

• a peacoat
• a wii
• an apple shuffle
• puma shoes
• nike shocks
• GAP hoodie
• Love Actually
• and a boyfriend (preferably Rain or Justin Timberlake)

:)

dah.

it happened aagaain.

I saw a guy. Mixed. Tall. Stylish.

Immediately, I was attracted.

But of course, he's got a girlfriend.

Why does this happen to me? Why am I always attracted to guys that are taken? For once, I'd like to meet boyfriend material that isn't already a boyfriend!

Rant.

Again, I fall short.

I hurt my lower back.
I twisted my ankle.
I lost my voice.
I walked in 20 degree weather in a skirt while wearing sandals.
I also got my period.

It's just one of those days where you're like... "What the hell was I thinking?!"

Stacy's right, I'm a little moody.

Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's finals' time. Maybe it's cause i'm lonely.

that's it. that last one.

Again, the weather gets colder and BAM! i have this need or desire for intimacy or closeness with a guy. I guess it's always been this way. I got a compliment from someone, I was super happy. Then, I saw a couple today holding hands and i started to cry. Then, somebody irked me just a little bit and i blew up inside. My emotions are all over the place. I'm super emotional and it distresses me to no end. I hate instability. I hate that I can't control myself and my hormonal changes. I hate how one thing can make me happy and how another thing occuring immediately after can make me so upset.

I hate being critical of myself and of others. I hate judging people based upon their merit. I hate competing with everyone to get somewhere I don't necessarily want to be. I hate pretending to be happy. I hate being alone. I hate knowing that at the end of the day, all I have is myself to deal with. I hate dealing with myself.

I can't be alone.