issues with pride.

i am very proud.

It's really hard to hit my core. I rarely let just anyone get passed my guard. Even if one person is close, I end up layering another thick layer of stone. I either lie to them or lie to myself. I want to pretend that i'm just vulnerable enough for you to get to know, but not too much for you to trust me and vice versa.

My past friendships have been disasters. I can never maintain enough contact with an individual to make a lasting connection. One or the other party gives up and both are left bitter and regretful. I'm certain that if i opened up to and trusted my girlfriends now, i'd have the insatiable desire to see where we'll be like in 10 years. But somehow, i'm really hesitant and unsure of myself.

There was a period of time where I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was in so much crap and despair that it didn't matter what my parents said nor what my friends suggested. I wanted to be selfish for a while, drowning in my own fears and desperation. I refused to call those that i cared about, pretending like i didn't care. I didn't return my girlfriends' calls, relishing in my depression. I look back and it wasn't that long ago. But now, I want to. I want to break out of my shell. But i'm taking extremely small baby steps.

Is drama really there? Or is it out of your own imagination? Men don't usually have the trouble of getting into conflicts with other men. But why do women fuss over petty scenarios with other women that have the potential of occuring but will most likely, not. I'm trying to avoid the womanly thing to think that there is drama between myself and other women. But i just can't help it. Was it something i said? Something that i did? Something that i had stuck between my two front teeth? What is it that I just don't get and other girls do?

I want to ask others but i'm too prideful to call.

yum yum yogurt.

i went to the fridge to get a yogurt...mm yogurt. I take a scoop of it. yuum.

Doh! i already brushed my teeth...

oh well.

a lot of things are on my mind.

I believe in tough love. But i can't handle it when i'm the recipient of it. I don't know. I guess i'll be vulnerable once again. I've been having a hard time at home because i don't get along with my mom. I often think that she doesn't love me as much as she loves my brothers. She herself states that her mother never paid much attention to her. I believe an upbringing can shape a person's personality so much. Therefore, it's quite obvious my mother takes after her mother, smothering the boys. I want to say that she loves me the same as my brothers but her love for them exudes differently. But i'd be lying to myself and to my audience. She (and my dad) have been criticizing me ever since i remember going to grade school. You must be better than her. You must do better than this or that. And when i'm there crying on my bed, tears flowing like the waterfall, she expects me tell her how i feel inside. it's sad really. i don't know what i'm trying to say. But all in all, i feel like a hypocrite sometimes because i preach it but i don't accept it.

i'm obsessed with samurai champloo. I finished the anime and yearn for more of it. it's insane. a year ago around this time, i was obsessed with naruto. it's just a fad. I'll grow out of it, i hope.

yum yum chaa. =)

December 02, 2004

When I think about it, I've become listless. I've been so caught up in what's going on, what I need to do that I’ve grown calloused and numb to God. I know that I need to change but I don’t know how. I’m thinking it’s the environment I am in, the people I associate with and my flesh. I’m constantly struggling to breathe. It feels like I’m drowning in quicksand grasping for air as I frantically try to escape from the endless downward spiral of the insidious sand. God, I don’t know what I’ve done to go through this kind of hell. Please show me. Give me wisdom to discern. I don’t want to be stagnant in my faith. I want you to be on my lips all my days. I want to live for God and for God alone. I don’t live for anyone else. Not another person. Not even for myself. I’m lonely, God. I need you now more than ever. I miss you so much. Consecrate my body for You and You alone. If you are willing. As you will it God. Maybe I’m meant to be with you right now in heaven. Please take me out of this wretched body. I wish to meet with you, Oh God.

i am blessed.

i have so many friends who care about me. I have my family that support me. I live in a good neighborhood. I receive a really good education. I shouldn't complain.

I worship a great God.

generosity.

to give without the expectation of return, that is selfless. if you were given the world, would you accept it? sharing is caring, then what's giving? is the value of a person determine by how much he is given? And even if he was given something so wonderful how would he use it as a keepsake? would he place on a mantel to be worshipped? or would he maximize its utility?

i guess it depends on what you've given away.

if you gave me a gift, i would cherish it always.

neh.

Today was the last day of my anthropology class. The class was quite ridiculous. Usually, at university level classes, the professors have the students read an insane amount of pages from the text and in a matter of a week or so, the students would be tested over the material. I was familiar to that kind of teaching philosophy. Assign loads of reading and be tested on it. Nope, not with this anthropology class. The teacher gives us day-to-day notes about random anthropological subjects and tests us over the notes in a few days. For the final? we had notes given to us and then READ to us each class before the final. I didn't learn anything I hadn't already learned.

random question of the day: How long does God lead you into the desert?

new changes.

A lot of things are changing in my life.

Well, actually, just two.

A haircut and a NEW CAR!!! i want to show it off so badly. I hope i'm not becoming materialistic. Anyway! ANYONE WANT TO RIDE IN MY NEW CAR??