issues with pride.

i am very proud.

It's really hard to hit my core. I rarely let just anyone get passed my guard. Even if one person is close, I end up layering another thick layer of stone. I either lie to them or lie to myself. I want to pretend that i'm just vulnerable enough for you to get to know, but not too much for you to trust me and vice versa.

My past friendships have been disasters. I can never maintain enough contact with an individual to make a lasting connection. One or the other party gives up and both are left bitter and regretful. I'm certain that if i opened up to and trusted my girlfriends now, i'd have the insatiable desire to see where we'll be like in 10 years. But somehow, i'm really hesitant and unsure of myself.

There was a period of time where I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was in so much crap and despair that it didn't matter what my parents said nor what my friends suggested. I wanted to be selfish for a while, drowning in my own fears and desperation. I refused to call those that i cared about, pretending like i didn't care. I didn't return my girlfriends' calls, relishing in my depression. I look back and it wasn't that long ago. But now, I want to. I want to break out of my shell. But i'm taking extremely small baby steps.

Is drama really there? Or is it out of your own imagination? Men don't usually have the trouble of getting into conflicts with other men. But why do women fuss over petty scenarios with other women that have the potential of occuring but will most likely, not. I'm trying to avoid the womanly thing to think that there is drama between myself and other women. But i just can't help it. Was it something i said? Something that i did? Something that i had stuck between my two front teeth? What is it that I just don't get and other girls do?

I want to ask others but i'm too prideful to call.