a note.

It’s been two years since we went to Las Vegas. I just came back from Las Vegas. When I arrived at Las Vegas, I realized the last time I was there, I was there with you. Then I started to think about all that has happened in the last two years. I hate how we ended things. I don’t know if it was my fault or how the circumstances led us there.

I just wish we had made things more clear. I remember asking you about us, but I don’t think I ever really got an answer.

My heart is broken. I’m sorry you had to break it.

I hear you have a girlfriend now. I wish the best for the two of you.

Long day.

I woke up at 10 today feeling kind of happy which was good. I had a final today at 2. It was okay I guess. I was so nervous. My final was for guitar. Aye. I have a real problem with getting my rhythm and tempo in sync. My guitar class was probably the class that I enjoyed the most because I see my progress and see results of my hard work, my time, and my effort. Afterwards, I went home. And a little while later, Mika calls me and tells me that they're shaving Eric's head. I was super excited so I got my camera and ran over to Andrew's to see the event. It was awesome. Eric had a mullet by the time I got there and Andrew did most of the dirty work. Later on, Hongya trimmed and shaped a little more. Just as I thought we were finished, the guys suggest that Eric gets a fade because there was a knick on the side of his head. So Daniel fixes it. Afterwards, it looked a lot better. I was really hungry by this time because I was waiting for the girls to call me for lunch. By this time it was 4:30pm. So Steve and I went to Dairy Queen. Then I dropped by Stacy's place. Then I went to Cameron Park to watch Andrew and Anthony burn their books. It was rather cool. Then we went to go eat BW3s and it had only been 2 hours before that I had eaten. After BW3s, Mika and I went to Cheddar's to get dessert. Then I brought my gamecube over to Mika's to play. We played Super Smash Bros for a couple of hours. Then Daniel brought over Mario Tennis and Mario Kart. We played that for awhile. I don't know what time we stopped but I think it was around 2:30am. For an hour and a half, we talked and joked around and interrogated Hongya. It was entertaining. At around 4, the guys decide to go eat and I go with them because I'm still not tired. We went to IHOP and that's the last time I ate.

The point of this blog is what I'm about to express. By the time it's the end of the day and while I'm writing this blog, I'm sad and feeling kind of shitty. While we were at IHOP, we talked about Peter, saying how he was pretty much set once he got to college. His life was in line. And then, we talked about Hongya, saying how he is pretty smart and going places too. Then I asked Daniel and Steve how it feels to be super seniors. Both of them said, "Pretty crappy." Steve said that people are getting jobs, getting into med school, and just getting on with their lives. Daniel said that everybody has left while he's still here in school.

And then, I thought maan, it really isn't that great of a feeling, knowing that you are behind and everyone else is going forward and it seems like you're standing still in time.

And now, I'm just fearful of going home at all. I am a failure and it sucks knowing that.

But you make the best of it...

I can't sleep. Maybe if I sleep I'll just forget all my worries. I hope. Please.

Ramblings.

I had a dream and in that dream, my friends were telling me to update my blog.

So, here am I, updating my blog for you, my friends in my dream.

Man, finals are almost over. I have one more tomorrow. And I really don't want to take it. But I must. I like the feeling of how as each final I finish, the less stressed I feel. But then again, I'm reminded that I have to go home. And home. is sometimes where I least want to be. It's quite sad how I do not miss home. I miss my family but I don't miss that house that I live in. That house should be the thing that I look forward to. My room, my bed, my memories, my treasured gifts from friends. Oddly enough, I'm scared of going home. Maybe it's cause my Dad will be there and it'll be the first time in a year that I'll see him. I'm hoping he'll love me and show enough compassion for me just as that man did for his prodigal son.

In my dream, my dad was in there too. Strangely enough, he was rather depressed. I don't know exactly why he was depressed but he wasn't his usual self or the Dad that I remember before he left for China.

I'm really afraid to see my Dad. There. I said it. I'm afraid to see Dad. I'm hoping he doesn't criticize me or chastise me about my grades or about my body or anything about me that could possibly hurt me all over again.

Another thing that's on my mind, if you guys are curious, is that I'm really pessimistic. Yeah, I know I mentioned this once before, but lately, it's been blatantly clear in my head that I'm very cynical. Maybe I'm not pessimistic, maybe I'm just cynical. I don't take things at face value. I have this tendency to be skeptical. I always push for people to tell me more. Instead of just a few words. Unfortunately, people only want a few words out of me, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, I ramble. I think I just realized my pattern. I hate boys. Because, well, they hurt you. And the worst part of it is that they don't realize that they've hurt you unless you tell them. I didn't tell either one of them. I guess to fake that I'm okay or that I'm strong or that I'm better without you which is all true...but at what price? my broken heart?

My heart is broken at least for awhile. In fact, it'll be a long while before I'm interested in anybody. I should have learned that that first time around.

boys are rotten.

But I have to have hope right? God has somebody in store for me, right? There must be a guy that can take my stubborn-ness, my cynicism, and my depression, right? I hope he doesn't take me at face value. That would be a bummer. I hope he takes the good in with the bad. I have good qualities. Actually, I think I'm an awesome catch. Boys should be lining up to meet me. haha. But only in my dreams right? yeah. But it's okay. I'll live only for God now. That's all I really want to do anyway.

Christmas wish-list

Since I have a couple of hours to spare before i study for another final, I've decided to compile a wish-list.

• a peacoat
• a wii
• an apple shuffle
• puma shoes
• nike shocks
• GAP hoodie
• Love Actually
• and a boyfriend (preferably Rain or Justin Timberlake)

:)

dah.

it happened aagaain.

I saw a guy. Mixed. Tall. Stylish.

Immediately, I was attracted.

But of course, he's got a girlfriend.

Why does this happen to me? Why am I always attracted to guys that are taken? For once, I'd like to meet boyfriend material that isn't already a boyfriend!

Rant.

Again, I fall short.

I hurt my lower back.
I twisted my ankle.
I lost my voice.
I walked in 20 degree weather in a skirt while wearing sandals.
I also got my period.

It's just one of those days where you're like... "What the hell was I thinking?!"

Stacy's right, I'm a little moody.

Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's finals' time. Maybe it's cause i'm lonely.

that's it. that last one.

Again, the weather gets colder and BAM! i have this need or desire for intimacy or closeness with a guy. I guess it's always been this way. I got a compliment from someone, I was super happy. Then, I saw a couple today holding hands and i started to cry. Then, somebody irked me just a little bit and i blew up inside. My emotions are all over the place. I'm super emotional and it distresses me to no end. I hate instability. I hate that I can't control myself and my hormonal changes. I hate how one thing can make me happy and how another thing occuring immediately after can make me so upset.

I hate being critical of myself and of others. I hate judging people based upon their merit. I hate competing with everyone to get somewhere I don't necessarily want to be. I hate pretending to be happy. I hate being alone. I hate knowing that at the end of the day, all I have is myself to deal with. I hate dealing with myself.

I can't be alone.

i suck at life.

i've been depressed lately.

i can't really put my finger on why i am like this exactly. i feel so useless. i keep trying to put up this image of always being happy about life and what it has to offer. But really, what is it about this life am i really happy about? God tells us to rejoice always.

rejoice always.

i don't know what that means or i don't really know how to do that. I really don't know if God is on my side anymore.

i've been in so much stress and in so much pain that i'm so confused. Confused about what keeps me from jumping off a cliff. What makes me wake up each morning and forces me out of bed.

TAX ACCOUNTING.

I hate you, tax.

I've been thinking, why am i attracted to unavailable men?

I recently meant this guy and when i saw him, i instantly thought he was cute, not necessarily my type, but most definitely cute. Just when i thought we might be friends or even more, i find out he's married!

My theory is (in no particular precedence):
1. all the good ones are taken
2. i want what i can't have

How sad.

Fall Break.

My Fall Break has gone to waste. I didn't do anything! I was suppose to study for my two tests and one quiz in the last two days, but i just bummed around and slept. I think i've been emo lately.

I put Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" on repeat. The song makes me want to forget all of my worries and pains. But it's not as easy as the song claims it to be.

On a lighter note, football has been going great! We've won two games and we're in the playoffs! it's an awesome feeling to know that all of our hard work is paying off.

Addiction.

Mika and I were talking about addictions the other day. I was concerned that she may become addicted to coffee since she started to drink caffeine regularly.

She asked if I had any addictions. And I thought about it. When I went through my adolescence, I was addicted to self-loathing; hating who I was and the mistakes I've made. When I first got to college, I was addicted to him. After that, I got addicted to anything that could make me feel remotely better; partying, boys, whatever. Now that it is my senior year...What am I addicted to?

Well, as of right now, I think I'm addicted to trying to get in shape. I wake up each morning, look into the mirror, point out my flaws, and move on to eating less and exercising more for the day. Last week, my body has gone through a lot. I think my body is just now getting into the groove of exercising each day even though I ran over the summer. I played rooftop football countless times. I played basketball with the guys on Friday. I ran the trail a couple of times. I practiced flag football yesterday. It feels nice being active.

But truthfully, I really want to be addicted to Christ. It's so cliche. But I run towards things or people that only satisfy me temporarily. Jesus is my living water. And I would much rather spend my night getting to know Jesus than trying to figure out what to do next. Once again, I've compromised my hunger for Jesus for temporary satisfaction.

I want to live wholly for Jesus.

She asked, "Weren't you guys like best friends?"

I replied, "Yeah."

"Okay, well. I won't talk bad about him, then."

Wait. Were? or Are?

I'd like to believe we were best friends. If anything, really close friends. But I thought all of that has come to an end. Has it really?

less really is more.

Life is so much better without drama.

I wouldn't say I was completely productive this weekend, but I would say that I got a lot of stuff done with a few hours of leisure in between. The first week of class is always hectic for me. For some reason, this last week was abnormally stressful. The classwork is building up already. yikes! I need to keep on top of my game.

The downside is that I haven't really gotten the chance to run. Complications always arise. This week. This week I say. I'll run the beartrail.

Life is so much better lately. I'm more peaceful, more calm about life. I think I've given up on taking control. Giving my life to God is a much better option.

My Quirk

If i had a thing that i do, it would be...stating the obvious.

Boy Meets World.

After finals, I decided to numb my brain as I usually do after tests. I watched Boy Meets World. It's the show that I grew up watching. How sad. The show I grew up watching. It's as if my adolescence was so long ago. Anyway, the episode was the one where Corey and Topanga decided to see other people. Corey saw Topanga kiss another guy (Shane West - yumm). He told Topanga how it hurt him to see her kiss another guy only two weeks after they broke up. She didn't know what to say. Corey suggested that they might as well not be friends anymore and stormed off.

I would be Corey in this case.

I think that's what I do. I shut people out once I've realized that they've hurt me. But isn't that normal? Doesn't that happen to everybody? I dunno. I've done it to a handful of people in my life, a few being family.

The episode also made me think about relationships. Is it really possible to be friends after you've gone out with someone and broke up with them after awhile?

Of course, by the end of the episode, they were friends again. But that didn't happen to me. My once friends, I no longer even keep in touch with. Maybe that's the difference between reality and television. Things don't always work out.

I broke down today. It feels liberating, but also saddens me.

Taking a little break never hurt anyone.

TWO FINALS TOMORROW...OR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS...

I realized that I am really far-sighted today. I also realized that I'm more like my dad than my mom.

I was studying for my finals. I rested my head on my arm while I studied. But for some reason, the words were blurry. So I lifted my head and I noticed that as I looked at my notes at a farther distance, the clearer I read the lines. Yeah, I'm slow. But at least, I am assured that my doctor's diagnosis was correct when I was a child. I was always skeptical if I really was far-sighted because usually, only old people are far-sighted...

I talked to mom today. I was really stressed out. And it was the first time I ever told her that I was stressed. I usually don't talk about school so that I don't worry my parents. Her immediate response was, "Only you can control that" not, "it's okay honey, everything will be all right." I always thought my mom was the emotional one. Guess that is just an assumption since she's a woman. But that's not necessarily true. Maybe that's why I've always thought my mom didn't understand. She's not your typical mom. Also, I thought submissive meant soft. But my mom is anything but soft. She has sacrificed and still is sacrificing a lot, but she definitely doesn't break down for no reason.

So, then I thought about my dad...he acts on his instincts a lot of the time. His temper is his sign of emotion. I look back at conflicts with my dad and I realize that he really is an emotional man. I got that emotional stuff from him.

NONSTOP

It never ends!

Live today as if it was your last.

Cause before you know it, your last may be your regret.

restless legs.

I'm diggin' music.

Lately, whenever music comes on, I just want to break out and dance. In the past, whenever there was music playing, I'd be shy and dance with my toes. I want to dance! I would love to take some kind of dancing class, either hip-hop or some type of ballroom dancing. That would be amazing.

I'm in the So You Think You Can Dance craaaze. I love that show. Every time I finish watching the show, I want to either go the gym, go run, or go to a club. I get an adrenaline rush from watching them dance! Therefore, it makes me wanna dance and burn off energy.

I miss dancing...

Lately, I've been having so many dreams. Dreams about friends, family, career, school, past relationships, and my game.

A lot of the dreams were very disoriented. Some are nice dreams for my ego. Some are upsetting dreams about my past. Some just don't make any sense.

But the dreams I wish to have, I wish were about you.

I feel sad. Sad that life is passing by so quickly. Soon, I'll have to grow up which is okay by me. But one day, I know that I'll be nostalgic about the time I'm in right now.

inadequate and depressed

My family means the world to me. Even though we don't express our love like other families do, I now know that I can't imagine living life without my parents or brothers. Even now, my dad is in China. I miss him. He really does spoil me with love.

Lately, I've been feeling so guilty. Because I do wonder if i've been wasting my parent's money and time at Baylor. I do wonder if they'll ever be happy for me. I do wonder if they'll ever be proud of me. Maybe that's why I feel so inadequate. I haven't ever made my parents proud. I haven't ever made my parents proud because of something I've done, maybe for who I am, but i've never accomplished anything significant in my life.

I want somebody that makes me feel good about myself. I need someone that makes me feel good about myself.

I can be your hero, baby

SUPERMAN RETURNS

GO SEE IT! I absolutely LOVED the movie! it was soo good. Kate Bosworth was okay. I think Natalie Portman would have been a better Lois Lane. Kevin Spacey was incredible as Lex Luthor. Finally, I loved Brandon Routh as Superman. I think he's absolutely GORGEOUS! He is really hott.

During the movie, I couldn't help (once again) feeling utterly smitten by a handsome man with charm, chivalry, and overall, compassion. I thought, "I want my guy to be Superman." I don't mind being Lois Lane, at all. I also think that I'm not alone in having these inappropriate feelings for a fictional character. haha.

bridget jones's diary.

I just did the unthinkable. I watched the same movie twice in one night, back-to-back. I'm insane. I'm also a procrastinator. I have a project due on tuesday. It's worth nearly a third of my grade. Aye.

I can't get over it. I want a man like that. He is the nice guy that didn't finish last. He is the ambitious guy that knows what he wants out of life. He is the romantic guy that is willing to be vulnerable to the woman he loves. --sigh--

Two quotes that I absolutely love by Colin Firth:
"I like you -- i like you, just as you are."

"In vain have I struggled, it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

I wonder how hard it really is to find a guy once college is over. One of my friends say that the best time to find a mate is in college. Once you hit the real world, things just get harder. Great. It's hard enough as it is living as a college student. Life after couldn't be much worse, or could it?

I'll daydream some more and i'll get back to you. As of now, I'm single [not that i'm proud of it nor am i telling the world. simply that i'm willing to be content] and dreaming of my dream guy.

daily visitations, numerous times each day.

mail.baylor.edu
mail.google.com
mail.yahoo.com
facebook.com
flickr.com

I'm fine, i think

I'm just now coping from my break-up. I don't know. It's something I just don't understand. I think, initially, guys are attracted to something about me. But then, once they get to know me and my flaws, they flee! I have problems. Who doesn't? I just thought things would be different this time around, you know?

He's just not that interested in you. Right. That's right. Who cares? I don't. Because the guy that really was interested in me, wouldn't let me go.

Do i care? maybe i do.

This relationship thing sucks. I found out about two engagements in the last semester. It's crazy. I can't believe people are already getting married, and here am i, sulking about the doom of my love life.

Oh well, we move on. Life sucks. BUT. God is good.

phone call.

a few things i learned tonight.

my mom knows me. my dad has faith in me. my brother forgives. my heart is hardened.

when will i ever be content.

dreams.

i had one of my most darkest dreams last night. A couple of my friends and i were at a family's home. At first, the family seemed pleasant and friendly and sane. After spending a day with them, i noticed something was going on. It seemed as if they were possessed in a way. The father was hardly around and whenever he was he had this sulky aura about him. The mother was overly protective about her children. The boys were confused and seemed sexually frustrated. The entire time i was there, i felt like they were possessed and at any moment they would come and haunt me. One night, they were having a party and the two boys were sitting with a guy who seemed like a shadow himself. It was really creepy. I felt like wherever i went, they would be lurking about, stalking me with their incestuous spirits. It was a gross. I woke up disturbed. I scared myself so much that i awoke. And for awhile i couldn't sleep. I then i prayed. I felt back to sleep.

But then, I had another dream, which seemed like a continuation of a past dream i had. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. One of them couldn't finish her drink while i was ordering mine. So i offered to finish hers, even though i knew that i couldn't take much alcohol in. Soon the bar closed, i finished my drink and ran out the door. Two other girls were running to their cars for some reason. I followed suit. Then i couldn't find my car where i had originally parked. So i ran towards the lot where they tow cars. I found my car by unlocking with it with my key. But suddenly, i realized a man was right by my car. It seemed as if he was trying to jack it. But then he started to move towards the red car on the right side of my car. But as soon as i was at my door, i opened it and the man was sitting there in the passenger seat with a gun in his hand. I was petrified. He told me to take him home. I told him i couldn't. Then he cocked the gun and told me to take him home with a more stern voice. I made him promise that he wouldn't hurt me if i did. he nodded. But while I was driving, i got so nervous that i started to cry. As soon as i asked where am i going, i saw from the corner of my eye the gun being point at me. I woke up right when he had shot the gun.

I think I am most contemplative at night. There's nothing else to occupy my mind; no agenda, no classes, no errands, no people. All I have is myself in my head.

I am going back to houston this weekend. I'm kind of scared about going back. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm going back to pick up my dog and bring him here to my apartment while my older brother is in california for a conference, and my mother and my younger brother is going to China to visit my father, and I'm taking them to the airport. I'll be in texas all by myself, well with my dog of course. It's odd. I never thought about it, but I've been living by myself for a very long time. Yeah, I depend on my parents financially, which is a big part. But i never really needed them otherwise. Once I get my own job, I'll have to really live on my own. What a frightening thought. Did i ever tell you that i'm afraid of being alone? i am.

Jennifer is in florida. Elaine is in DC. man, i miss them.

celebration!

21 years ago today, a baby girl was born. Her name was jennifer. she rocks!

reflection.

I looked into the mirror.

"You're beautiful" i said.

fanatic.

I am a MOVIE-FREAK.

No matter how many times I may have watched a movie, I can still manage to waste my time watching it again. I keep telling myself to pull away from the television. TV is bad. It robs you of your time, your brain, your life. aiye. Maybe another day. Maybe I'll surrender another day.

Movies i've watched in the last month:
Bend it like Beckham
Happy Gilmore
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Da Vinci Code
Matchpoint
The Family Stone
While you were sleeping
Elizabethtown
Mona Lisa Smile

Movies I want to see:
X3: The Last Stand
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Happy Feet
Kinky Boots
Derailed
The Break up
You, Me, and Dupree
The Lake House

When I watch movies, I get so tied into the plot that I don't necessarily recognize the holes and pitfalls. There's my empathy for you. Therefore, i get easily swayed and emotional. Horrors are no good for me. Because I can't see past the movie and realize it is all gimmicks and story-telling. Man, even typing about horror movies is giving me the creeps.

Anyway. I need to face reality. I can't keep thinking my life is like one of those fairy tale movies. Prince Charming isn't going to come knocking on my door. My career isn't going to fall into my lap. My family will fight but won't necessarily make up at the end. Life isn't a movie. Life is real. I need to face it. And stop living in my own little wonder world.

reminisce.

I miss you.

I miss knowing you are by my side.
I miss knowing you will be there at a second's notice.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss arguing with you about life issues.
I miss cuddling with you when it's cold.
I miss the silence we had between us.
I miss the idea of you in my life.
I miss the reason why i was with you in the first place.
I miss you, I do.

So many things i've let go in my life up to this point. I wonder if all these things lost went towards the greater good of humanity.

or rather the greater good of my existence.

I'm afraid of what will happen when i am alone.

it's weird. I find that whenever i'm alone, i become my own worst nightmare. I revert back to my old sad nature. I begin to think about what has happened in my past, afraid of what i'll remember. When i'm alone, i'm alone with my thoughts, my selfish desires, my lustful flesh.

I fear being alone.

I have to recognize that when i'm alone, only God is there with me. God is not only found in me when i'm with people. But He's probably with me the most when i seek after Him in the quiet stillness of my aching heart.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't lie to myself nor can i lie to God. I can't live without God and his majesty.

ASA:
-Successful AsianFest with our FIRST Culture Show
-FIRST TIME EVER having Chinese New Year on Baylor Campus
-WON our first trophy at StompFEST 2006
-WON Student Organization of the Year

I'm so proud.

survey

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD, NO EXPLANATIONS.

1. Yourself: Contemplative
2. Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend: vague
3. Your Hair: dark brown
4. Your Mother: Beautiful
5. Your Father: Demanding
6. Your Favorite Item: Pooh
7. Your Dream Last Night: Sad
8. Your Favorite Drink: Water
9. Your Dream House: Modern
10. The Room You Are In: Shared
11. Your Pet: Tigger
12. Who You Are Now: Lazy
13. Where You Want to be in Ten years: Seattle
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: Successful
15. What You're Not: Outgoing
16. Your Best Friend[s]: nonexistent
17. One of Your Wish list Items: happiness
18. Your Gender: female
19. The Last Thing You Did: walk
20. What You Are Wearing: boyish
21. Your Favorite Weather: cold
22. Your Favorite Book: Bible
23. The Last Thing You Ate: candy
24. Your Life: sucks
25. Your Mood: depressed
26. Your Room: cluttered
27. Your Sport: swimming
28. Your Hobby: sleeping
29. Your Job: student
30. Your Crush: korean

Maybe things are better left unsaid.

I want to tell you. I want to tell you what's in my head. I want to tell you what i think of you. I wish to share my innermost thoughts. I wish to give you details to my daily wonderings. I wish to convey to you the depth of love and hate i have for you. I wish you could hear the thoughts of my head. I wish you could see in my eyes the tears that have fallen for you. I wish you could tell me that you understand. I wish your ears were quick to listen to my aching heart. I want you to be open to my words. I want you to be the better person. I want God to shake you into sense. I want life to make more sense. I wish that feelings were shared. I wish you were here.

I wish you could see. The love. The hate. The good. The bad.

I wish you could hear me.

I wish things were easier. In the end, maybe it's better if things are unsaid.

Elderly grace.

A first, ladies and gentlemen.

Last night, I went out with a group of friends to a party in Austin. And for the first time, the very FIRST! I was the oldest in the group. It was a very surreal moment the time that i realized it. Now, the realization is all over the place. This year will be the year where a LOT of people will be looking up to me, regardless if i'm a leader or not. Just because I'm older than most of the students on campus, everyone will be watching me. It's different than being a senior in High School. Maybe, it's because i've tried to maintain a reputation since I stepped onto campus. Maybe, it's because I care about what people think more and more. Maybe, it's because experience comes with age. Maybe, it's because life seems to become more complicated the more things i learn.

I've been through many battles; with God, with family, and with friends. This is probably one my biggest battles: a battle with myself.

struggling to find air to breathe.

friendship.

i can honestly say that i don't have any one person for which i can say, hey, she is my best friend.

lately, i've been lonely. Maybe it was because spring break was pretty much me staying in the house waiting for my family to come home. Maybe i've come to realize that there's never a moment where i can be completely content. Maybe life has become too redundant for me to care.

Today has been mentally exhaustive. I can't figure out what i want to do with my life. I was walking home from class and i kept wondering if what i'm doing is honoring God. Is accounting what i want to do for the rest of my life? Do i want to have to submit to others? Can i stand looking at numbers for long periods of time? I had an interview for an internship next year. The interview itself went well. I am confident in who i am and what i believe in. The only problem i have is being assertive and tenacious. To get into the business world is not an easy task. But then, i thought, i love to talk to people. I love to be in fellowship with people and receive my blessings from getting to know how people think and work. But how can i find a job fitting for that? And then something happened this weekend that triggered a thought in my head. Why are people so exclusive? I don't understand why i have to walk on eggshells so that people aren't hurt. If I go to one thing without inviting an uninvited friend, i hurt my friend. If I go to a friend's thing and invite someone, i hurt my friend for inviting someone without their consent. It gives me a headache. Maybe it's better that i don't get invited to anything at all. But then i think well if i'm not invited, then are we really that great of friends? Because obviously, if the way they think of me is the way that i think of them, then shouldn't they consider me as an invitee? I would invite them. Then again, i'm not really into hosting things. And then well if i plan things what happens if people back out? I know I should be understanding and considerate, but it makes you think. Was there any point where the other party was considering my opinions or what i had to say about the situation? And then, well, at what point do you tell someone that a comment they made was offensive and somewhat insulting? Again, I'm not the kind to be abrupt and get upset instantaneously, but really, was there a point where the other party thought about what i thought or how i felt. I'm also beginning to feel that i don't belong in any one place anymore.

Man, i've been really moody and contemplative. I think i need to rest. My head is beginning to ache.

I think i'm going to try finding the secret of being content in God.

inane.

I woke up, I glanced at my phone, 7:15, and I went back to sleep. I had the worst time sleeping last night. I kept tossing and turning, hoping whatever position I end up in will put me to sleep. Have you ever had those nights? Where you can't sleep? It's as if God is preventing you from sleeping for an incoherent reason?

I dunno why. *shrugs

The next time i looked at my phone, 11:40. I thought, I can't believe the week of my spring break has already passed. Sometime this weekend, i have another 3 hour trak to Baylor. Ugh. I still have a bunch of errands to run...

Happy St. Patrick's Day! It's time to PARTY! (not really.)

insecurity.

I've been thinking about it lately about women's insecurities. It is the most common weakness that i've found in myself and in other women. I've noticed that the commonality between women is our insecurity, our inability to be content with ourselves. We're always thinking we should be at a level above where we are.

Inferiority complex.
n. A persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to self-diminishment, sometimes resulting in excessive aggressiveness through overcompensation.

Can we ever get rid of this idea that we're nothing, but rather something. Something beautiful. Something useful. Something FABULOUS.

Proverbs 31:10-31
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I want to be a wife of noble character. That means I need to start acting like her now.

should i tell?

i had a very awkward dream with two awkward people in it. I converse in an awkward conversation with one awkward person while the other awkward person sat listening to our awkward conversation.

i'll never tell.

Aside from my idiosyncracies...I've learned a few things about myself lately.

i like to do things on my own time. i cannot be rushed. if i am rushed, i get frustrated easily.

i dislike being restricted. i don't like boundaries. i don't like tight clothing, nor do i like being told that i can't do something.

i'm a pessimist to some and then an optimist to others. for those that i can be real with, i'm often a pessimist. for those that i think i have to maintain a reputation with, i'm often an optimist [how sad, wish i could be an optimist all the time]

potter's hand

I've probably made mistakes that I've forgotten
It's all ambiguous now
I'd be willing to take the shape of what you wanted
I could just figure it out

I'm breaking my own rules
Becoming somone else
Well everybody says I oughtta get over myself
I'm thinking I can't move
If there isn't somewhere else
...To go

Things are changing. yeah, i agree. The air is different. No argument there. Time to move on? yes.

i've been feeling many mixed feelings lately. I've been feeling anxious. I've been feeling lethargic. I've been experiencing a little bit of eustress and then some distress. I don't know whether to acknowledge my accomplishments or become more lowly and humble. Maybe studying Philippians is God's way of telling me to serve Him, joyously. Because my successes and my failures are all part of God's plan of molding and shaping. I remember in 7th grade, i was in art. And the best part of going to class was knowing that I would be working on my creation for that day. Whether it was taking a photograph of something seemingly beautiful or eye-catching, or it was adapting a story behind a clay pot, or it was drawing self-portrait with many imperfections, i knew it was my own. Something that i can take home and tell my parents, "hey mom! i made this from scratch!"

And she would nod and say "that's nice." I would be somewhat disappointed in her response.

But deep inside, I felt a tremendous amount of accomplishment. I felt the sensation of knowing that i created something beautiful and unique. It was quite exhilarating.

In the end, that's how God sees us. The process took a long time, with its share of mistakes and failures. However, ultimately, the maker will see her creation as something beautiful and complete and something to be taken ahold of.

starvation.

All i've eaten today are crackers.

i hate you so much.

maybe things were meant to change, regardless if they are for better or for worse. Whether better or worse, these changes are not in my control. So i'm sorry it had to be this way.

so sorry.

Time of Relief.

it's over...

nearly 4 months...

it's done. We've made history! Baylor History that is! First Chinese New Year Celebration EVER! And i was part of that!!

After all that was said and done, people coming up to me and congratulating me...All i can say is "no waay." This event could not have beeen such a success as it was if
not for the people. Up until cleaning time, I wasn't able to enjoy the succes of the event, nor was I even able to stress about it. I just wanted to make sure everything was in place, everyone knew what they were doing, having everything come on time, etc etc etc. As everybody was cleaning up, I sat down at one of the steps. It was a success, i told myself. People liked it. The people who were involved are happy. It was a success. I had to tell myself these things! And then, I yelped, "IT WAS AWESOME!"... and from that point on, I couldn't help but be happy. It was finally over and we made it a success.

The funny thing is. I think it's all God. From the beginning of the project, I have been praying nonstop. Sometimes, I would have dreams about the event. That nobody would show up or everybody would be at each other's throats. As soon as I would wake up, I'd send a prayer up to God and hope that Chinese New Year at Baylor would be divinely graced. You can imagine how much this event meant to me, if you could videotape the thoughts that have been running through my head. But ultimately, i would have to give God the thanks. Because, he believes in me. And that's what makes me go through each day without pulling all my hair out.

Brokeback Mountain.

Man, I'm suppose to finish my paragraph summaries for my Wall Street assignment.

But before i do, I need to get my Brokeback commentary off my chest.

I was suppose to watch it earlier on last week. But somehow, it didn't work out. Originally, i had planned on watching it thursday. But then again, i got busy with random stuff. AFC was fun. I was being a bully with Elaine and Jen. haha fun stuff. We weren't really bullies, but we were having way to much fun making fun of each other and other people...

The next day, i woke up earlier than usual to go to Barfield to start or "practice" decorating. After 4 hours of productivity, Elaine and I venture to the movies. We were kind of in a rush because we hadn't eaten and made a trip to Wendy's with decorating crew. 5 minutes before the show started, we left for Galaxy. Good thing we were in time for the last few previews.

At first, I was confused and kind of taken back by the introduction of Jack and Ennis. But as soon as the story begins to develop, I was drawn into their lives. I think i identify with Ennis. Not that I'm hiding some big secret, but all my life, i have never been really expressive about how i feel. Usually, the times that i've burst have either been in my dreams or in front of a particular person. I'm the kind of person to bottle things up. But as soon as an X factor appears to trigger an emotional breakdown, I start being hysterical. Based on Elaine's reference of elements, i think i would be earth too. I don't think i'm much a water kind of gal. Maybe I want to be perceived as such. But at the end of the day, i'm really earthy.

Jack was Ennis' particular person. I want a Jack. So romantic. So kind. So passionate.

I may be ruining the movie...

Again, I went in the theater as a cynic and was ready to be judgmental about the controversial movie. But, fortunately the story of an undying love pulled me in and shattered all my presumptions about what the movie may have implied. I have to say, brokeback mountain is the greatest love story that i've ever encountered.

Each time they fought, I could see how they were struggling with their hatred of what they cannot change. Yet their love of what they have as destined lovers seemed to have always conquered. sigh. i love it. And every time they met up, it was though nothing had changed and they were back to where they first met, Brokeback Mountain.

I really admire both actors for the work they did in the film. They were truly incredible. There was a scene where Ennis (Heath) cradles Jack's upper body with one arm around Jack's neck and the other over his chest. I really like that scene because the way he positions himself behind Jack makes me think that Ennis is trying to protect Jack and what he has with him. And because he's not expressive with his words, his loving guesstures is proof of his love for Jack.

The relationship between the two men made me realize what kind of love i wanted. I want a love that aside from the consequences of accidental mistakes, my heart will be given to a heart that's willing to be taken away. unconditional love. I want a love where even though i may make mistakes, I'll keep coming back to make up for my mistakes. I want a love where time seems to pass too quickly to grasp.

And then, the relationship Ennis had with his daughter reminded me of my relationship with my dad. As i was growing up, i never understood my father. He didn't love me the way i saw other girls' fathers treated their daughters. As a result, i purposely blindsided myself to think that my father will never take time to love me as i ought to be loved. I cried whenever Alma Jr. tried to reach out to Ennis, and Ennis, in turn, never showed any kind of emotion. sigh.

Overall, this movie makes me sad. Maybe it's a good sad. Brings me back to reality of how cruel the world can be.

"God! I wish I knew how to quit you."

An epiphany if you will.

I had a great urge to swim today. So i got dressed and headed towards the gym. It was kind of a reminiscent feeling on my way to the SLC. I felt like I haven't gone in ages but at the same time, it seemed like just days when i first came to the gym freshman year. I got into the pool. Started off with breaststroke. After a lap, i decided to start my freestroke laps. For a typical day at the pool, i usually like to stay in the pool until i'm completely exhausted or for at least 45 minutes worth of laps. I was energized and ecstatic about being in the water once again. It has been ages since I've swam. I swim for 15 minutes and have already gone countless laps without stopping. I thought, this is great, after all this time, i can keep up my endurance. At this rate, I'll be in good shape before I graduate. I'll become my ideal image of me if i continue to work hard. I'll keep up my grades. I'll get a job. Things will be great! Why didn't I think about this earlier?

And as soon as i started looking back. I started recalling what has happened this last year. The instant i relived my past mistakes, I started feeling sluggish. There was a reason why i had stayed away from the pool for so long. It triggered something deep inside me. I was beginning to feel slow and tired.

Why do i let my past and my mistakes get me down so much? So far, i've been depressed but not to the point where i wasn't hopeful about my future. It's all a matter of my state of mind. If i know that i can succeed, then it's going to happen. I just need to believe it in my heart. If I know that life will be better than going from day to day wondering if there's something better out there, then i'm going to hope and dream for a better way of life.

I need to shoot for the moon. Even if i fall, i'll land among the stars.

Quote of the weekend.

It's funny how a single touch can fix a problem.

elder

Grace, a 21 year old.

who would'a thought?

1/1/05:
This year i want to whole heartedly promise myself and others to be a better person in keeping my resolutions.
Resolutions:
1. tell one of my secrets to at least one person.
2. a random act of kindness given to others as occasionally as possible.
3. live with integrity.
4. read the word, pray, and worship daily.
5. be less critical.
6. love unconditionally.
7. honor my parents.

These are very generalized. Yes, i know. I don't want to promise something that i don't intend to keep. God, help me with the things that i struggle with. Teach me in your ways of goodness. May this year bear fruit so that it may glorify you.

i kept my resolutions to the best of my ability. I'd say I did pretty well. I've been listening to Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential by Pastor Joel Osteen. I recommend it to anyone. I often don't like Christian books that are bestsellers because they've fallen prey to retail gimmicks. But Joel Osteen does have some really really encouraging words. Perhaps the only encouraging words i've heard as of late. He said that even though it doesn't feel like God is there, he really is. In fact, when you feel God the least, that's when God's working in you the most.

I just hope that though this past year seemed like a waste, something or someone has benefitted from my shortcomings and inadequacies in one way or another.

For this upcoming year, i think i should devote myself to the theme of responsibility. I'm going to own up to my age and realize that now that i'm officially an adult, i'll take responsibility for my obligations, my actions, my words, my duties. Also, be aware of my responsibilities toward my parents, my brothers, my friends, etc.

Aja Aja Fighting~~! I think i should also boycott boys this year. WHat do you think?

movie freak

i've watched so many movies this month. I've decided to record which ones i've seen.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith*
Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Syriana
The Wedding Date
The Notebook*
Life or Something like it
Million Dollar Baby
Saving Face
National Treasure*
Finding Neverland
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
Pride and Prejudice
Forrest Gump*
Memoirs of a Geisha
King Kong
Must Love Dogs*
2046