aiyah, I'm having an identity crisis again. Should I try to fit in? But then that means I'm going to go against all that I stand for. Should I go with the flow of the world? But then I start acting like the world...DaHh!

Why do people change behavior when around certain people? Why does everybody have dual personalities? It really troubles me that the relationships that I have, they aren't being honest with themselves and therefore, cause me to have a false impression of them. It makes me sad. I am this way, too, in some degree. I can be quite talkative when talking about issues of the heart. But then other times, I'm just indifferent to trivial problems. I dunno...

But doesn't the entire world consist of trivial pursuits of power, of fame, of wealth, or of whatever that appeases the apetite of the soul.

Oh man, I want to go back to the basics of life. To live as if Christ were here, right now. Living without regret or sorrow or pain or cynism or depression or malice or deceit or anything of the sort. I'm tired of living lies of people. I'm tired of being who I don't want to be. I don't want to live life as a commoner. I belong to the King of Kings. I don't need to petty myself with useless matters.Just enjoy God. Just listen to Him. Who cares who's listening, Grace. Who cares if they're watching your every move. I got yo back. There's no need to care. Give your burdens to me. I'll help you along this dusty road.

"Worshipping God is fun"
"I know, right?"
"When my friends ask me what I want to do, deep down in my heart, I feel a tug on my soul to just praise God with all my heart. But when I say, 'Let's worship God!! Yay!' They're like 'uhh, you psycho religious freak' and then I feel bad"
"oh don't, seriously, nothing gets better than acknowledging God for who He is cause 'He's worthy to be praised' so there aint nothing wrong with that, girl"
"But people already think I'm a freak. Shouldn't I try to make myself look at least somewhat approachable?"
"Well, you can't change the past. All you can do is set your priorities straight, what matters most to you. In the Bible, it says to die is to gain, to live is to Christ. Grace, when we die, man, that's when the party becomes crazy. Worshipping God, getting drunk with the power of the Holy Spirit. Heck, if I could, I would want to die right this minute. But I'm not dead and neither are you, possibly intellectually or physically dead, but spiritually, your Spirit lives on. There's a certain purpose that God has in store for you. Until you've achieved it, don't sacrifice the greatest opportunity of your eternal life, to make a difference."
"That's what I've heard so many times. It just doesn't click."
"Well, make it click. Remember, you're on the winning side. There aint no losers that belong to God."

so yeah, I have worn glasses for practically all my life. So i have a habitual habit of putting on my glasses. And i miss that. haha.

After I came home from school, I decided to wash my face. Afterwards, when i put on my glasses, everything is blurry! I don't understand!! Then, I realized it. I don't need my glasses because I have my contacts on!! =)

Christ for the Nations. I'm interested in going to the institute now. *pondering* Should I go to Christ for the Nations? If I even consider it, will my parents reject my suggestion? hmm...

*shrugs*

I'm having fun, you guys. For the first time in years, I'm enjoying school for what it is worth. I guess i feel like i've taken advantage of school for the last three years.

hehe. HECK NAW. I'm ecstatic, yo. It's more along the lines of thinking I'm never gonna be in high school EVER so I'm having fun. =) YA-HOOOOOO.

man oh man, my room is so clean. The last time I saw it this clean was....well, never. I'm amazed at how clean my room is.

*looks around*

My eyes are tired. I got my contact lens today. Woot Woot. so yeah, but i don't know which one is right and which is left, and Vision Source is already closed. So yeah, I'll call them tomorrow.... it looks like I won't be wearing them until wednesday. Today, a friend had catched me without my glasses. She said I looked cute without them. =)

You know, lately, I've been feeling the need to hang out with friends and keep myself occupied with my social life. My meter on my social satisfaction has been pretty low. hehe. Reminds me of Sims. So yeah, feeling restless. doot doot.

"what we do dictates who we are"

"the great thing about Stefenee is that she is able to be teachable. She takes criticism into her own hands and can acknowledge that she has done wrong."

I learn that I'm not ready to be teachable. I don't take criticism lightly. sigh. That deeply rooted pride...bugger

One thing that women are to be...is teachable. the ability to understand and receive the fact that they've done wrong and learn from their mistakes. Though it is hard, it's required by us from God, well, not like God expects us to be teachable right when we come of our mother's womb. It takes a lot of pain and time to understand humility at its best.

Philippians 2:14 (amp)
Do all things without grumbling and faultfinding and complaining [against God] and questioning and doubting [among yourselves]

otay, man, crazy dream again, kiddos. But I won't try to describe it to you. Just take my word. I had a crazy dream.

I wanted to go to Acquire the Fire, today. Man....I don't know why I didn't. I had heard some awesome stuff about it. How like people's lives have been changed through going to Acquire the Fire. Dang it.

Anyway, some updates about life for Grace. You want to know what's up? well, a couple of things. My family is moving. We don't know where yet. I just suppose it's a nice place cause we wanna buy the house for what it's worth. *shrugs* I guess it doesn't really affect me, considering I'm leaving for college. so yeah, that's been the talk of the shih family for about a week now. Annnd, I had fun in Austin, even though it was last weekend. I enjoyred it thoroughly. =) I wanna go see a funny movie. Not a gross funny. But a funny, pee in my pants cause it's so funny without being gross movie. I think the last movie that was like that was....Two weeks notice, Now THAT was a good movie. Though, it is a romantic comedy. The movie industry HAS to make a movie that is funny without it being crude and without it being a romantic. *shrugs* But then... I don't know.

I wonder. I think my email isn't working...cause I've been sending emails and I haven't gotten any reply from people. Either that, or they just don't want to keep in touch with me. =( oh well. That's okay, i guess.

ANother thing I've been thinking about is a summer road trip. A nice vacation from Texas. I'm getting sick of eating and doing the same ol' deal every weekend. Just an idea to throw out there into blog land.

Oh, and I got more hours on my job. I haven't talked about my job much, huh? Well, I guess it's partly cause I don't enjoy it as much as I should be. It's just kind of a side thing, where I have family, friends, and school, oh yeah, and I have a job. It's not a big part of my week so its not a big part of my life. I guess after college, I'll think differently.

bitterness...resentment...arrogance...GO AWAY!! I spit at you.

ONE DAY 2003

go register NOW or imma have to go after you....

I'm sorry guys.

I had a post about red bull and how my chem teacher was drinking it. All this time, I thought it was beer, it's not. It's an energy drink. I'm sorry, world. I'm sorry Mr. Ronnenkamp.

Sorry for my ignorant blah-ging. I didn't mean to be stupid. I just am sometimes. =(

I feel inadequate.

DAH, why does depression seep through my veins like blood. I hate it with a passion. Down with depression. Poo, poo.

Oh God, let this vessel come clean before your throne. Empty out the scum, the sewage, the poo in my body, mind, and soul. Renew my mind to yours alone. Let me seek you with the entirety of my heart for this child wants to be yours alone. I just don't know how to do it anymore, God. I want a taste of heaven within the grasp of my hands. I thirst to know that all of life comes at the altar, kneeling before the cross. Remind me how sweet your presence is just in your glory, Oh God. Burn within my heart a passion that yearns for your very heart, Lord God. I want to be you. I love to be you. Oh cradle me in your arms of love. Make known to me that you are my Master and I am your servant. God, you are my everything. Please strike me down before I rebel your gracious name. Destroy all of who I am if ever I choose the path of the wicked.

All that matters is you...Let me KNOW that again, Father. just as i know right from left, oh God. Make it a great reality of being chosen to serve you. God, I've tried. I've failed. All I want is you. So wash me clean. cover me.

Oh Lord, love me.

Man, oh man.

today, today was an okay day. I set my alarm at 6:30, in hope of waking up and going to school early for SFC, Students For Christ. As the buzzer interrupted the soothing remnants of my peaceful dream, I thought, ahh, it's okay, i'll go next time, I promise. And so I woke up later, but did not get to school late. Just as I walked into the school, I saw Alicia with her smiling, joyful face. And we talked about how SFC will be meeting on friday afternoons as well, because students just can't make it in the morning or perhaps it will be more interesting when the congregation is awake rather than half asleep.

Anyway, so we chatted for a bit before class and then we went our separate ways. Afterwards, I regretted not waking up early just to go to fellowship, you know? Like I love the idea of being devoted and dedicated to one particular purpose, and this was it. If I can't wake up and get my lazy ass up and going, I ain't going anywhere. *sigh* That's why commitment is a hard thing for me right now in my life. I don't have a lot of motivation. I wish I could say that God is. But my eyes are a bit clouded. But I want to try to put my faith at its work.

Sunia and I have become really good friends. She's in my Chem class. I just find it really ironic how i didn't intend on making friends, but God divinely appointed them to me. Anyway, she's a muslim. She's pretty devout about her faith. We were talking about how our future is in God's hands. I started thinking, are we talking about the same God? I remember how after September 11th, a gathering was held for all faiths to come together and pray. But some were Muslim and some were Christian. We're not praying to the same God are we?

My heart says no, they're speaking to Allah and you, God. But Sunia refers to Allah as God. And then my mind says yes, because of the literal meaning of the term.

I've gone picture crazy. I'm obsessed with pictures again. I think it's Elaine's fault. She is a great photographer and through just looking into her room and her scrapbooks, you can see that she's creative like that, taking rolls after rolls of pictures. hehe. Anyway, yeah, I always loved the idea of photography. Ever since I got a 100 as a major grade on my 7th grade photography project, I had the ambition to take pictures. But i never really went for it. I just thought, I'll leave that to Elaine. She gives me her pictures anyway.

Oh, I had a point. I looked through the pictures that I've taken over the last 6 years that I've been in texas. Man, I can see how I've changed physically, like how I smile more now than I have ever, like how I don't slouch much. *shrugs* and other stuff. Pictures are so cool. You can remember what went on at that moment and travel back in time for that split second.

OH, and i found an old picture of the boys and I. Andy and Eric look the same, but Daniel and Michael, man, they're growing before my eyes. Growth is such an amazing deal, especially on guys, cause it's soo apparent. yeah. 4 guys and 1 girl. I wished that in between eric and daniel, my aunt had a girl. Either that, or my mom had another girl. hehe. anyway.

Last Saturday, we went to olive garden (my favoritest restaurant). And I heard my uncle talk about China. I miss it so. Listening to him brings back a great deal of joy and pain. Joy on behalf of so many salvations and pain because of the harsh persecutions the chinese have to go through. THough, i went to an area where the economy was pretty decent, I wish we had travelled inward a little bit more so that I could experience the house churches. And then, I heard Irv and Johnny might go to China or South America this summer. Man, I want to go. My heart kinda screams for it. *sigh*

Anyway, yeah, ok, I should finish my chem hw.

I dont try to be emotional. It just happens.

I never understood why women are so sensitive. I don't know why I'm sensitive. Subconciously, my hormones take the best of me and I try to figure out my emotions before anything else. I truly don't want to be emotional. I try to put on this "i don't care" attitude....but often times...deep down, i do.

I guess it's the matter of whether or not you want to be vulnerable to those around you.

In many aspects, I do. I avoid the idea of getting close to them from getting hurt. I'm sure those of you who know me personally, hear me say this a lot. But I'm tired of getting hurt by those closest to me. I magnify any situation about 100 times more than it ought to be. I wish God had changed that area of my life, where I'm not so guarded. Where I'm weak but strong, vulnerable but stable.

At the same time, i have to wonder, maybe there's some purpose as to why I'm like this. Also, I'm not arrogant...I know there are other women who can be very much like myself. (I'm just analyzing who I am at the moment)

Dah. I hate it that I stay by myself so much. It's in this manner that I think about myself a bit more than I should be. As well as the fact that I aint got much of a social life. Yeah, I have friends, truly wonderful friends. It's a matter of if I want them to know more of me. Cause more of me doesn't necessarily mean good. It may mean a rollercoaster ride of conflicts, emotion, and cynicism. poo. I pray you guys forgive me, all of you. I'm just a kid with problems.

When I'm with people, I get impatient and cynical sometimes. Then there are other times where I'm just absent minded. Depends upon my mood that day. Hah. Anyway, I learn more of myself when I'm with people. They allow me to open up. I learned in the past year that I'm not shy. Hah. I'm just quiet. Avoiding conversation as much as possible. I shouldn't. I know I'm contradicting my own words, but I'm secretly a schizo.

Okay, maybe the solution to this problem is to find ministry. I found out that when I'm serving God and others, it helps me be clear-minded, where I'm just focused on those other than myself. Or...i dunno. Just something that I've thought about lately.

God, sweet God, you're in control of me.

josh groban, I am in love with your voice...will you marry me?

i just realized why i've been so nervous about college. I have many friends at Clements who are overachievers. People who have a dream to become biomedical engineers, surgeons, doctors, actors, you name it...

I felt intimidated. I felt like i couldn't compete. I was this "asian" girl that had a reputation as a "smart" kid to have dreams and ambitions for the future. To aim high. To reach for the stars. But to get there, there are conditions. You must be this, you must do this, you must have this... 6.0 gpa, 1600 SAT, National Merit Semifinalist, charisma, character, intellect..etc. It was frustrating. I kept pushing aside the idea that I can aim high while being on God's side. And so i neglected this idea that I would be able to make it into college. I failed to see the future in the Almighty's hands. It was a shame. All that time wasted because i didn't have faith.

Today, a former student of Clements came to recruit freshmen into A&M. I went up to her and asked a ton of questions. I think she got annoyed with me. hehe. Anyway, I'm leaning more on A&M more than Baylor. I think my chances of getting in are pretty good now. But I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. Anyway, in the end, it doesn't really matter where I go. Just go.

Lately, the concept of leaning into God's will has been heavily weighed on my heart. God's will is intertwined with my will. Though, he has a blueprint of my life, he still keeps me in the dark most of the time....all right...all the time. If going to college is such a big deal, then God will surely make a way for me to see a clear vision of what he has in store. I just need to stay in faith, walk in it, and know it's all that I can do.

I am very special. hehe. Max Lucado has a series of children's books. It just emphasizes the extravagant love of God and how he made me special.

It makes me feel like a child again, reading those books. At the same time, it's very comforting. Because it rereminds me that God is love and there's no fear in perfect love, is there..? nope, none.

Today's my younger brother's birthday. Michael is officially 14. MY GOOOOD! I'm so old. =(

Sometimes, I have to snap myself into the fact that my little brother isn't a baby anymore, even though he looks it. He's so popular, funny, cute, and smart. heehee. I love my bro.

What we had to do for Chem was go over the multiple choice part of last semester's final, correct errors, answer all the questions, and then turn it in for a daily grade tomorrow. Arrgg. My brain feels like its been on crack. I have been looking at numbers and formulas for the past 7 hours. dah. On the day of the final on the...uh...20th of December...we only had 50 minutes to complete the multiple choice section and for the rest of the time we had, we worked on the written part of the exam. If it took me 6 hours to complete a 25 question test, damn, i dont think I'll be taking the AP this May. The thing is, Ronnenkamp made the entire exam exactly like the AP, that it was so unfamiliar to me and i freaked. Well, at least i got a B for the semester. I was afraid that I wouldn't pass, but i did...Hooray.

I haven't stopped my Josh Groban listening since last night. *sigh* I just can't get enough of his voice.

Oh, today, in English class, we read a excerpt from Paradise Lost by John Milton, titled "Temptation of Eve". That's exactly what it was. The novel surrounds the psychological mind frame of fallen man when choosing good over evil.

I was really interested in the style of writing that he put forth. He made the event seem so existent and like it had happened in reality. It did. However, the author puts forth a great deal of detail and emphasis on the sneakiness of the serpent and the ignorance of Eve that it gives depth to the process of how man fell. It really helped me to understand the situation as a whole, from both perspectives, Satan's and Eve's. I think that's what makes a good novel as well as a great author. The idea of bringing words into life, really cool and neato.

Ashton Kutcher is hott...

I crawled around the sewer, looking for a single soul. It was damp as my paws touched the ice cold sewage. I heard a faint noise to my right. As I approached the inner walls of the plumbing system, I heard what sounded like a market. A mass of people were selling my friends to butchers and market men.

My dream. I was a cat. I felt abandoned and alone because all the other animals had been taken. But at the same time, I was free from being eaten. But I was a lonely free cat.

The strangest thing. Ok I woke up this morning. This first thing i thought about was the fact that my face hurt when touched. It felt like a sharp blade was stuck in my skin. I looked in the mirror. There's a long scratch on the right side of my face. Throughout the day, I wondered how did I actually get the scar. I even began to think the dream may have something to do with it. =) but that's just silly...isn't it? I remember getting scratched when all of us were running down the walkways. Alicia was in my dream again.

Man oh man. I have such strange dreams. Half the time they don't make any sense. Then other times they freak me out so much with fear and anxiety. I wish I had happy dreams. Dreams of rainbows or waterfalls or the waterside or the forest or the bahamas. hehe. Anyway, I should hit the sack soon.

Listening to Josh Groban. The coolest thing. Ding is so awesome. She is my mom's boss. When she heard that I liked Mr. Groban, she took into consideration of giving me her own. She had received one copy of his cd as a Xmas gift when she already had one. So she graciously gave it to me as a gift. Bless her heart. That's just so sweet.

tear* I read skanadian's journal. tear* Aww makes me want to know what it's like to care for someone that much. Like my face lights up when that one guy calls me up. Or when he strolls down the hall with welcoming arms. Or when he walks into the room with his great big smile. Or when he embraces me. And then there's that great feeling of missing him. I would miss him so much that seeing him the next time we meet would make up for that time lost, missing each other. hehe. Oh my dreamy little mind.

I think...

I think i've become legalistic. Like one of the pharisees. Lately, I realize that I have become more judgmental in the midst of situations more than generous. Though it may not be verbally displayed, my heart still burns with that bitterness and resentment. I mean no one has made me specifically mad. I have this tendency to take things out of proportion. It's truly sad. I know I'm not the only person who does this. But I don't like that part of me.

At one end, I hate my simple mind where things are black and white. Then at the same time, I hate it when things are plain and have no extravagant meaning. I dunno. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Arg. I just want life to be...i don't know. Dazzling. Adventurous. Romantic. Fairy Tale. Where I fall into a deep hole, and a whole new world is laid before my eyes. Where I slay a ten foot philistine with just my slingshot. Where I kill an entire army with words of my mouth. Where the man of my dreams comes riding through the night to lay a kiss to awaken me from my deep slumber. =)

But poo. None of that has happened to me.

Your thoughts.

TAKE CAPTIVE.

MIND OF CHRIST.

LIFE OR DEATH?

Blessings or curses?

Think positively not negatively. Your path is paved by your thoughts. Both Satan and God exist. It's up to you yourself and me myself to choose. Free will. It's a curse and a blessing.

I had a fabulous birthday. I had to work that day. But it was okay. I learned how to sterilize the instruments that grind your teeth. =) I think I'm suppose to be an assistant to the dentists, handling the tools and stuff. But I'll just go with the flow. The entire day was pretty nice. I woke up. Hung out with Andy and Michael. Then went to souper salad. Had vegetables for the first time in ages. It felt good to eat somewhat healthy... hehe. Afterwards, I went to Barnes and Nobles for awhile cause I had time to spare. I went to the music section and looked for Josh Groban.

My my my. I love his voice. He sounds like an angel sent from the Lord. Seriously. I absolutely adore his voice. I listened to some samples. ANd i can say that I am officially a fan of his. hehe.

ANyway, so i went to work. And the lady that I thought didn't like me turned out to be pretty nice. At first, I dreaded my training because she was the employee who was suppose to help me familiarize with the tools and the process of sterilizing them. But she's not really mean. Lol. I guess first impressions are not very dependable. I suppose I had a bad impression because of the negative input by my friends who go to that particular dentist. When i had first met her, she wasn't very friendly. And i took that to offense. But now, maybe its just cause they're really honestly busy that they don't exactly have time to socialize.

*shrugs*

So after work, I went to starbucks. Caramel Frap. Very good. I took note that I might not be able to sleep that night. Went to Eric's place up north. Oh man, driving a long length of time, my entire body somehow became sore. We decide to go eat at Hido's. Very good. Oh man, dinner was fun. It's one of those restaurants that they cook your food in front of you and they do all these tricks. THe food was good. We shared the table with 3 students and a family. At first, I was really tired. I felt like i could just lay my head on the table and fall asleep. But I fought it. I kept my composure. lol. Anyway, long story short, good company, good food, funny students, chef hat, samurai sword, and green tea ice cream. yum.

To top off the night, we went to Victory church. At first, I was a bit cynical and critical about the church. One of the things that i need to deal with is the fact that i judge churches. I critique and label them as good or bad. But AGAIN, WHo the &@$& am I to do that? then the Holy Spirit got me in check. Right at that moment, I reevaluated myself and repented. Suddenly, a tide of peace came over me. The rest of the night was purely divine. I liked it a lot. I felt God so deep within my soul that I couldn't move. I dared not just in fear that it might just disappear. I just drenched in God's glory that I just sat enjoying his blessings.

You can imagine I was definitely tired. My day had been packed. I wasn't confident in driving, but i didn't want to say anything. I drove for awhile. Then i told Mike to keep me awake, just in case. Slowly, I drifted off. Half asleep and driving. I heard Michael say something but it didn't click in my head. I just followed the car in front of me. And so it drove into a gas station. It was Andy and Eric. Apparently, I wasn't driving anymore. HAHHA. And so i slept in Andy's car.

I slept like a rock that night.

Thanks Wynette!! (you're a sweetie pie)

Hello, world. It's me, Grace. I'd like to announce that I will be turning 18 on January the 3rd. Big event. Don't know what to do. May have to work. *shrugs* Only a mark on the fact that I'm getting older, but not getting any more mature. HAHAhHAHha. okie =)

I hope you guys have an awesome new year! and Keep your resolutions!