So I there I was eating my dinner. Then I hear screams and yelling and just sheer excitement coming from the television in the living room. And guess what show it was? The Price is Right! It's their 30th anniversary today. Dude, it's been on since my mom was a teenager. That's a bit crazy. And the host, Bob Parker? Dude, he's still alive, and God knows how old he is. I wonder...30 years from now what shows do I know will still be on.

I'm feeling very contemplative and, at the same time, confused. I realize more and more that not a whole lot of people are like me. There was a friend of mine where I thought I could talk to her about anything that was on my mind, but the more I'm with her, I realize that I have to think about whether or not I should even suggest that there's something on my mind. Resulting in the aloof and reserved Grace that ahh..unfortunately still exists. See, I want people to know that I love Christ. I want people to know who I am as an individual. I want people to see for themselves if they like me or not, by my words and not by my restrained facade. Why does there always seem to be a gap between me and others?

I remember where the attention was turned towards me.
I had the spotlight. The chance to show who I was.
Where did it go.

I once grasped so dearly to that microphone.
The chance to speak my mind.
Where did it go.

Ahh...but it was all a dream
the chance of a lifetime, never will that occur.
For I know not if it even exists.

So here I am sitting here. Knowing two things:
1. I love Jesus to my heart's fullest.
2. I live only for Jesus.

Yet, immaturity still predominates in my body. It's so transparent. So, what am I going to do?

So I just read my older brother's recently updated blog. Dear oh dear. I had heard news that he has met this wonderful girl, but man. My brother has fallen in love. At first, honestly, I was merely skeptical about it. But now man, I'm just happy for him. I wish him the best, praying for that seed of love to blosson as much as possible, and dude, there probably is no mistake that God wanted them to be togther if it makes my dear brother this happy. I have no doubt whatever happens 5 years, 1 year, or even 5 months from now, God has a plan for the relationship He has established.

There was a period of my life...well there were lots of periods of my life, where I was in desperate need an intimate relationship with a guy or "boyfriend" (I don't know...I don't like the term boyfriend for some reason. It seems a bit...inapplicable to what it's suppose to mean, isn't it? I mean, is he a boy? yes. is he a friend? not quite. He's beyond that. Anyway). However, God has been showing me, and only specifically to me, that I'm still unusually young and I need to mature in Christ, the foremost lover of my life. Yet, I still wonder if the abstract meaning of love among humans versus God's love to mankind has detered my thinking. Which was probably the reason I was skeptical upon my brother's newfound love. See, I had thought if God's love is "never failing", then we don't need human love. But at the same time, "it is not good for man to be alone" and that's why God made Eve for Adam. I obviously need to look into it with the Lord. Maybe if I had what my brother had, I'd understand the meaning a little more in both circumstances (God's love and human love). I don't know. = / *confused*

I admit, I'm on a diet. But when I bite into that single morsel of Chick-Fil-A's nugget, I travel into a surreal moment of eating. so crunchy, so tender, so delightful, yet so fried, so full of cholesterol, and so bad for a person who is on a diet.

Gluttony is not good. I learned that word in the past weekend. I mean I always knew it was one of the 7 deadly sins, but I never knew the meaning of it. I never knew that food can get the best of you when you don't even know it. So there's this restaurant called Fogo de Chao. Honestly? It's the best restaurant of meat there is. Don't go to Texas Land and Cattle or Outback or Steak and Ale or Claim Jumper or any other steak house. Go to Fogo de Chao to experience the most astounding meat extraganza for probably the best price. There's wonderful side dishes, excellent service, elegant atmosphere, and, best of all, all the meat you can possibly want and have. It's like a meat buffet. Sad part is, that gluttony comes right in and takes over. It feels good when eating until it starts to hurt as you get full. And just when you think you're finish, you want to get your money's worth, so you dig right in again. I think almost every time I went, I can actually feel food above my neck bone. Gluttony is such an ironic detail that often gets left out. =)

Anyway, my brother's sick. He's not going to die or anything, but he has a deadly cold. Excuse me, not deadly but very, um, serious cold and he's coughing all over the place. My brother's immune system is not very good at producing enough antibodies and he's very prone to getting sick. Well, I'm feeling something for him. I can't put my finger on the word. Pity? no, too condescending. Sad? no, too extreme. Sympathetic? hmm...possibly. I understand the sickness and how one can feel so horrible. That feeling where it hurts when you swallow. Or that runny nose that just won't stop running. Or that heat all over your body, yet you're told to put on some more blankets because you're "sick".

I wish he'd get better. You know how you're sick and you just don't like doing anything? You feel like crap and all you want to do is lay on the bed and try not to move? Yeah, he's going through that, which is kind of aberration from his daily routine. He's usually such a fun kid. He'd come in my room and start singing to the cd, while I'd do my homework and persistently ask me questions about nothing. Or jump on my bed pretending to dance to Michael Jackson, while I'm laughing at him not with him =) I miss those moments.

You know the feeling when your mind has reached its thinking capacity and is about to explode into shreds of membrane.

I have that. I just took my SATs. Man, another test, another score, another meaningless number. I mean, my worth isn't determined by a certain test that I take, is it? No, I think not.

The feeling is probably due to the fact that I crammed a bit too much into my head the day before. A suggestion: do not cram, it doesn't work, usually. I tried to memorize, what was it? 550 words in 2 hours before I went to sleep? So as I started taking the test, I felt good. That first Math section was pretty darn easy. Oh and hey that second Verbal section was not that bad either. But as the hour ticks away, I realize my persistent cramming the night before was daunting my performance in the latter Verbal Sections. Like, I'd recognize the words, they were on the list (550 word list), yet my mind drew a blank. I panicked. What am I to do now? What is to become of me? How will I ever succeed!?!? Calm down. It's just a test. --sigh-- right. just a test. I know that I'm not going to get a 1600 and I know I'm not going to get a 800 either. My mind gets the best of me and the intellectual part of Grace starts to freak when it doesn't know the precise, actual answer. Which, I admit, is pretty sad in my perspective. I have this mentality that I need to get a good score. Where from? I have yet to discover. Before I took the test, I vowed to devoted my time, my mind, my score, my answers, and even my pencil to God. God thank you for waking me up at 7:25 this morning to take this awful test. God thank you for my mind to think of You and devote to You. God thank you for giving me this pencil so I'm not the person beside me who ran out of lead. God thank you for fingers that I can simply write. God thank you for nerves to help me write and make me have physical feeling. Most of all God thank you for being real in every aspect, test or not, in my life.

"If you don't shut up, I'll hit you with my stick. Back in my days, if we made even a peep, the teacher would pull out "Dr. Be Good" and give you 20 to 30 rounds"

That's what our Nigerian substitute told us in Study Hall. If I was told something like that, I'd be pretty much scared stiff. He even had the actual stick to prove he would strike at us. It was a iron stick with a wooden handle. Yet, the kids thought it was hilarious. Of course, the man was kidding. He knew that here, in US, students don't get beatings. It reminded me of how I was hit once. It was back in Taiwan. I think I was in a nursery for like toddlers. I was hit on the hand with a ruler, for what reason, I can't recall. Afterwards I was locked into a room with no lights along with two of the other kids. All I remember was that I had a bloody nose after the teacher let us out and we were told to clean up because our parents were coming to get us.

Anyway, the circumstances in America are truly different from other regions of the world. At the same time, we're so comfortable with our situation and our environment to think that one could possibly be struck at in class. I often wish I wasn't so comfortable. I take for granted with what I have and lose sight of how some people in other parts of the world aren't as fortunate as I am. I mean I have a loving family, I have a warm home to go to, I have food in a second's notice (I just made ramen noodles). I think if I was stripped of my amenities, I could actually understand what it is like to "suffer".

"in your shadow is where I'll hide when you pull me closer to your side"

I couldn't help but cry last night.

I couldn't help but let my tears fall freely. God is soooo good to me. He forever loves me. He forever takes care of me. He forever has me.

The recurrent thought that God loves me unconditionally often flees from my mind. There are periods of my life where depression would seep in, taking control of my mind and my heart. Yet, oh yes, and yet, i'm able to hide in God's shadow and be safe, loved, and comforted. The image of a child being bullied by a teenager. Being attacked constantly with hurtful words and pounding fists. Helpless, lost, and most of all, feeling worthless to the extremities. But. But a large man, a larger than life, sized man comes in and with just his presence, the teenager suddenly is attacked with fear, and the child dashes behind the man's two legs. Not knowing what to do, the teenager runs off in a panic. The large man caresses the dear child and constantly says, "i love you. Never will i leave nor forsake you. Grace, I've accepted you. I delight in you. You are the apple of my eye."

Just when life seems so hard to live. Just when you think your sins could never be acceptable. Just when you think you are worthless. Just when all seems to be hell. Just when your heart and body and soul is in pain...God is right there with you, you just gotta open your heart and mind to Him. Comfort, peace, love, and joy comes in the presence of the Lord.

I couldn't help but cry last night.

"The Lord is my light and my salvation- whom shall i fear?
The Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall i be afraid?"
Psalm 27:1

"God, I just want to stop being a myself. Let me be Yours for all eternity. For I know, I will be with You and You with me for all eternity. I give myself wholly to You. No more of me talking about me. More of just me talking about my Awesome God."

"So I hated life, because the work that is done under the sun was grievous to me. All of it is meaningless, a chasing after the wind." Ecclesiastes 2:17

I got my PSAT results today. I never really cared about school. Frankly, in the past, I could have cared less about my grades and test scores. Then why is getting back a test that doesn't even count bothering me so much? Partly, I want to get a good education, go to a good college, get a stable job, and live "happily ever after". On the other hand, I want to live for God, everything that I do on this earth; "all of it is meaningless", and my judgment is not determined by my material wealth.

School affects my emotional being too much. One of these days, I'm going to have a nervous break down because of all the stress that exists from me thinking too much. Ever since I went into the honors program, things have never been the same. Just listening to the honors students hurts me. They are so consumed with getting good grades and getting academic excellence that they fail to know what they are saying. They seem like robots to me. Going on the routine of getting straight A's. All going after the same thing: success.

one moment in time can affect one's heart and thoughts...

It's truly amazing how a person can change their mood just by encountering a situation...or listening to a person speak. Their whole thought process alters in just a split second. The human mind and heart can be so fickle.

If you enrage me, will I not get mad?
If you hit me, will I not hit you back?
If you start to cry, will I not start to cry?
If you say you love me, will I not inevitably have joy?

That's what I think makes us weak? unstable? superficial? Who knows.

I never fail to recognize how sensitive I am in all circumstances. I notice that I cry so easily. So call me a "cry baby" even. Because that's exactly what I am. Shows how pretty pathetic I am and how weak I am and how unstable I am. In effect, I need God more than ever.

ahh...another weekend passes...

Oh, how I thoroughly enjoy weekends. A time of rest and relaxation. Unfortunately, it only lasts for 2 or 3 days. Holidays are the best. They count as "extended weekends" to a span of 3 months. =)

I do have flaws. I'm not perfect. I am a sinner.

I recognize the man who died upon the cross as my Savior. I trust Him alone. I am a child of the Living God.

Another one of my resolutions this year is to think less of myself and think more of others and their general welfare instead of mine. I believe when we think too much of ourselves, things get a little.. shall I say hectic and busy. I often consider "what's the best for me" or "what benefits are in it for me" or "how can I make myself look good". As that pride develops, I lose track of who I truly am. Christ-ian. I'm a follower of Christ. If I ever lose focus on Him, how will I get back on the fork of the road? Not thinking too much of myself may diminish my pride and my conceited ways, God-willing.

I try to focus in on Jesus while I'm at school. I realize that only true joy is presented when I think and focus on the Glory of God and not on the glory of me. I came to this conclusion a long time ago, but there were many times when I'd fall back into the place of complacency and return into the normal routine as if I was a pagan. In English class, we have discussions every so often. One of the topics today: Agree or Disagree, Everyone is basically good. Well, see I believe we are all sinners and, unfortunately, we're all doomed for hell. However, there is the good news. Jesus DIED UPON THE CROSS and ROSE FROM THE DEAD for our sins. I knew my teacher would call on me so I had to really ponder about this. I wanted to present my beliefs, but not start talking about my faith because I could go on and on and on and on and on and on and on (well you get the point) and find myself being attacked by a bunch of hurtful words from other students. Here was what I said:

I Disagree. I have a theory that all humans were born somewhat bad. As they grow, they could go either two ways: good or bad. The result depends upon how society receives this individual and the circumstances that he/she are surrounded in.

Well, the good is Jesus, the bad is the world. The circumstances are whether or not they are presented with the gospel or not. And, unfortunately, not all humans are presented with the gospel. I think people thought I was weird. You might think I am weird to think we're born bad, but who cares. All that matters is what God thinks of me.

I miss my brother. There were times when he'd bully me around when I was a child, but I'd never thought much of it. I'd stand there looking confused and dazed due to the fact that I don't know what I did wrong to make him so upset. Now fast forward to the beginning of the year of 2002, I realize I'm doing the same thing my older brother once did to me. I often, sadly enough, misunderstand my younger brother, and I fail to comprehend how he thinks as a 13 year old. I mean, I was 13 only 4 years ago, why is it so hard to communicate with him? I try to, in a way, relate to him the best way that I can, but it usually ends up in more bitterness and resentment. I really want my relationship with my younger and older brother to be the most unique of its kind. Otherwise, I don't know what I'd do without them.

I look back upon yesterday's post, and I realize I sounded both childish and pathetic. The self-consciousness that existed probably was just a first day kind of a deal. I'm hoping that it won't happen again. The reason for my...perhaps...disfunction was the mentality that I was imperfect, which is true, but God has a plan for me. If i get side-tracked into thinking that I have to be a certain way around people, it would cause me to lose focus on Jesus and who He is and how He works in my life.

I got to thinking about kids tonight. Today is my brother's 13th birthday. I hardly remember my 13th birthday. Well, anyway, we went to Wing & Things (supposedly the BEST RESTAURANT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD) and I got to thinking about kids. My parents always would tell stories of us as children, repetitively. They are so proud of how disciplined their children are and how cute they were when they were younger. I envy how my parents had such an easy time raising us up. I sometimes wonder about the children that I'll soon have. Will they be as disciplined as I was? Will I love them as much as my parents love us? If they lie to me, what do I do then? How am I suppose to approach them about stuff? There are so many questions, yet no answers can be answered until I actually experience the reality of having kids.

Pain. The gift nobody asks for, but still it comes. I'm in physical pain. It hurts so much. Ladies, I think you would relate to what I'm going through right now. Yes, it comes around every month and it's a pain in the behind. O Why, O Why, is there so much pain?

I think I sprayed too much perfume on myself today.
How many sprays would be just right without smelling natural odor and without smelling like you put too much perfume on yourself. Is it one, two, or three? or even more? I was passing by the Estee Lauder section of the Department store and they have Touch-on Perfume. If I had this I wouldn't have to worry about the number of sprays would I? Hmmm...interesting.

Are they laughing at me? Should I make myself look cool? Do I really care about what people think of me? Today was officially the first day of the 2nd semester of my Junior year in High School. Ironically, all I could think about was...is image really important to me or not? In the last three years, I have wandered all around school aimlessly not knowing what and not caring what goes on. Unfortunately, that has, I declare, come to an end. What totally baffles my mind is that how did i change from such a carefree person to an uptight weirdo. I had a clear conscience. What happened to it?

We had to make a list of resolutions in English class today. I added another one due to my experiences in the last 10 hours, "Not to be uptight anymore"

The year of 2001 went by too dern fast. Yet, I'm so glad it's finally over. The last year was, literally, a rollercoaster for me. Good. Bad. Ugly. Honestly, I don't want to go through that again. I've been reminiscing about 2001 that it seems as if there's almost a desire for it to repeat itself...nah...

What I do when I think too negatively about myself, I try to think positively about myself. In terms of thinking about past or future events where all I do is smile. So RIGHT NOW...i'm thinking about my last birthday. wow. Dude, it was special. You don't know how much joy a person can get out of when he/she gets treated out to dinner with some of his/her church buddies. Esp. when she/he never really had much of a birthday. Even though you guys (you know who you are) may not think of it as much of a gift, I think it's the best gift ever.

I guess that happy thought was a success. Don't you?

facade. I constantly feel as if a mask crawls unto my face as soon as i'm with anyone else other than myself. the thought of constantly not having to talk to anyone about anything seems as if was a tragedy in itself. well, there is one place where emotions of guilt, anger, sadness, joy, and sheer happiness can be released. In prayer to God, I feel as if the better side of me, if any side of me, is shown. which is utter irony because God already knows who I am, inside and out.