okie dokily. I love blogger. I wouldn't trade it for anything. not livejournal, not deadjournal (?), not diaryx, not even xanga. Nope, i'm staying true to my roots. I will NOT conform to the ways of the rest of internet world. I will NOT publicly post my personal thoughts other than Blogspot. Because I AM loyal and gosh darn it, I love this place.

=) I cried during felicity. Can you believe it? It was when felicity found out Noel died. I liked him. Even though he was a pushover, I still thought he could have been made more masculine and not so depressed about losing a high maintenance freak like felicity. Anyway, i have a thing for nice guys. I think i'm getting addictive to that show. It's not even that good. So much drama between Ben..... or Noel. Ben or Noel? BEN OR NOEL??? The entire script revolves around felicity's problem of picking one guy over the other and it's like a tennis tournament. For a while she's with Ben and then a while with Noel and then she goes back to Ben because Noel is too nice and forgiving and then she goes back to Noel because Ben treats her like crap. I don't get it. Wouldn't you rather be treated nicer and as if you were the only girl that existed? (Speaking on terms of the fact that I've only watched a few shows which have been from the last season of felicity's existence) Anyway, enough jibber jabber about a wasted hour watching ridiculous banter. On to more important issues...

I just watched Real World, Hawaii. MTV is being stupid and showing past seasons of Real World before Real World Paris (where I WANNA GO). tv is stupid. but then again. tv movies are awesome. boy, i'm just a hypocrite. Anyway, I stopped myself from watching because I need to get enough sleep because I graduate in 12 hours or so. It's my favorite season. Colin is so cute. Anyway, it's the show before Real World became corrupted. Now, it's debauchery at its worst. It was pretty bad when it started. But man, now, it's like as sinful as watching porn. it's gross. Anyway, i liked this season because i liked each character's personality and they just got along fine and there weren't so much gross stuff. It had deep moments with it. It carried one girl's problem of alcoholism and how she dealt with the whole ordeal. Yeah, i dunno. I just like the cast and the aura with it. (teh AURA....hehe)

so i want to find nemo, but who will come along with me?

Oh, favorite part before i go to sleep. He turned water into wine. =)

oh yeah, school's over...it's time to await my final run down the catwalk. Graduation! who knew that at one swish of a tassle, i'll become Class of 2003 graduate of Clements High School?

eh, i never realized i had to go through the whole process of leaving high school with the memories, the goodbyes, the pictures, the hugs, the john hancocks, and the whole kit and kaboodle. I'm going to miss it even though i complain about it half that time. (err, I complain about it in my head) i dun wanna get into details about what I'm going to miss. I'll just leave it at that.

So I watched Bruce Almighty. The ONE person who I thought would absolutely die of laughter. The ONE person that would not stop laughing even after the movie was over. The ONE person who appreciates the beauty of comedy. ENDS UP thinking the movie was just..."okay" I thought the movie was a work of art, comedy at its best form, all actors should kiss Jim Carrey's feet and make a shrine of his toenails....okay okay, so it's not THAT special. I just liked it a lot. I couldn't believe Michael didn't do ANY impersonations. All he said was, "it's okay". I guess he's too mature for me.

Anyway, I liked it because it was silly with a moral twist. Rotten Tomatoes had more bad reviews than good. err, it did remind me of Liar Liar. oh well, just a great movie. I have to say it's one of my favs.

i also watched matrix 2. Well that was kind of disappointing. I didn't like it. *gasp* I wish i did but i don't. No story, no essence. Just Neo kicking the same guy over and over and over again.

Anticipating: finding nemo, down with love, identity, how to deal....err more to come.

let anger fuel life

High school termination countdown: 2 freaking days
I just finished talking to one of my friends. I've known her since I came to Texas. And for a time, I felt like she was my best friend. She talked to me when nobody else did. She befriended me. Over these past 6 years, we've grown apart due to distance. I still invited her to my graduation because I love and appreciate her. But, for some, reason, I get a weird vibe from her. She kept her distance and told me she couldn't come, but congratulated me anyway. After all these years, I wish someone could tell me why we're not close friends anymore. If I haven't seen someone I love for a long period of time, I would be honored if they just invited me to go to a special event of theirs. I dunno. It's a weird feeling, this feeling inside of me.

I watched Dumbo again yesterday. Oh, the memories. He is just absolutely darlin'. I love that movie. Lion King will always be number 1 in my heart. But Dumbo has great memories behind it. For instance, two or three years ago, i went to Andy's graduation. A few of his friends were great guitar players and worship leaders. One of which was a guy, who was pretty cute. Andy told me that he knew how to play one of the songs from Dumbo. And i wanted to hear it so bad. But he didn't. Well not at least until the last night that we were there. You know that scene where Jumbo (dumbo's mom) was locked up and dumbo came to see her and she picked him up and swinged him by her trunk, the song is so sweet. Yeah thats the song. I'm a dork, but I started to cry when i was watching it. It's such a silly thing to do, but I just did. Oh and the guy looked cute while he was playing the song....hehe.

Anyway! I don't know why I cried. Maybe it was the sentimental idea of love. Maybe I just need to cry.

High school termination countdown: 3 freaking days
Obsessed with Hairspray right now. I can't seem to get the music out of my head.

"Good Mornin' Baltimore
Everyday's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's a symphony."

"Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Cause Momma I'm a big girl, now!"

High school termination countdown: 4 freaking days
Mr. Ronnenkamp said I had a nice smile =) Thanks! I look in the mirror sometimes, and I wonder, "why did God give pretty smiles?" What is the purpose, you know? Is it to brighten up somebody's day or is to show emotion or is it suppose to display sparking white teeth? I remember, the one thing that I heard so much over the summer was the fact that I had a beautiful smile. For some reason, it makes me happy...Oh man, I'm such a dork.

Betsy Ushkrat and Tyler Smith came again. Betsy is sooo pretty. She's going to be on the contest for Miss Texas. I hope she wins. She has an amazing voice. And as does Tyler Smith. He sang for us in class. I was amazed that a guy can sing so beautifully, well of course Josh Groban, but it was real life, not fake music editing. I'm thinking about taking singing lessons with him over the summer, try to hone my vocal chords. =)

My hair is starting to aggravate me. My hair grows so fast. But I don't want to cut it, yoiu know? Like I wanna grow out my long pretty hair again, so I look like a "woman, W-U-O-M-A-N" Anyway, yeah. I got to get a better look at lover boy in the yearbook. He's not that good looking, but he's got a gracious heart and so niiice. ANd on another note, Nice guys DON'T finish last. They get first choice.

For four years, I sang on stage, I danced on stage, and i have made an ass of myself on stage. Tonight, or rather last night, was my last choir show, my last night. It is so surreal knowing that this time next year, I won't be in high school choir. I'm going to miss it so much. Singing on stage drives so much adrenaline that man, there were so many times where I dreamed of lighting up Broadway with my imagination. Tonight was special as every last choir show for seniors are special. I met a sweet, generous guy. I had a short solo (and i MEAN short). I made a fool of myself. I got to see all the girls and boys that I've grown with, sing and dance. And I got to work the stage. I love it. Oh, I miss it already.

She looks in,
they look out.
She walks on,
they walk about.
She stands still,
they hurry along.
She opens her eyes,
they blind themselves.
...sorrow leak while
estranged beyond eternity...

Oh, and another goal of mine for this year: to go to FIF concert NO MATTER WHAT. I don't care if no one i know likes them, I AM GOING TO THEIR CONCERT.

High school termination countdown: 8 days
I was reading through my archives...and I remembered this post and it was notable post so I'm going to post it up again. How's that for repetition?

the great thing about Stefenee is that she is able to be teachable. She takes criticism into her own hands and can acknowledge that she has done wrong.

I learn that I'm not ready to be teachable. I don't take criticism lightly. sigh. That deeply rooted pride...bugger. One thing that women are to be...is teachable. the ability to understand and receive the fact that they've done wrong and learn from their mistakes. Though it is hard, it's required by us from God, well, not like God expects us to be teachable right when we come of our mother's womb. It takes a lot of pain and time to understand humility at its best. Philippians 2:14 (amp)
"Do all things without grumbling and faultfinding and complaining [against God] and questioning and doubting [among yourselves].

(i'm such a dork....i'm reposting what i've already posted? haha)

High school drama termination countdown: 10 days
I've been going to 24 hour fitness over the past week. so been pretty tired and sore. Once my body gets used to the torture, I'll be okay. Anyway, so yeah, I've been thinking. Thinking a lot. Where do you come to the point where you give your all to God? I once figured, when you hit rock bottom, you gotta go up. I suppose you can look at it that way. But I wanna say that deep within me, I don't want my life to be a cycle of "Oh man, I sinned and I must repent and go back to God", but rather a deeper thirst and yearning for the things of God. For an intimate portrait of communion between God the Father and Grace the child. Repentance is essential. But it may become routine, you know? In some form, a mix of legalism and complacency arises in the spirit. I'm ignorant. I don't know much. But what I know, I try to utilize and am always trying to understand life for what its worth. So forgive me, but I'm tired of "Christianity" and how "structured" it has become. I just wish...I don't know, I just wish that God will smack us into place all at once. But then everybody is at a different level in spirituality. It so complex, this life is. I'm just full of contradictions. I wish for consistency.

High school drama termination countdown: 13 days
I read annie's blog. She updated! woot woot. anyway, she was really honest in how she looked at blogging/journaling/whatever you call this online. People censor what they have to say. They choose not to be open about who they are. It really surprised me, okay, I was really really elated. I got taken back that people at my school can be honest with themselves. Not to be critical, but truthful, the kids at my school are so smothered with schoolwork that it disguises their faces. I have never really encountered such transparency as Annie has shown me. Sure, i am intimidated by her, but I admire her for her individuality and honesty.
By and by, I went by the registrar's office. They had the list of the Class of '03 Cum Laude and Magna Cum Laude. The people who I thought weren't really active, actually, are, or they wouldn't be in 10%, or even 5%. I kinda regret wasting my first two years with mistake after mistake of not studying for tests or keeping up with my grades. But then i think, after all of this is dead and done, High School will only be a chapter of Grace's menagerie. Right when I'm living on my own, raising kids on my own, and doing stuff on my own, that's when it all counts. For now, I'm just being a steward of my time and money and stuff. Oh man, "my own" I've been focusing a lot about me. Dang it. Right when I'm living with God, raising kids with God, and doing stuff with God... that's when it all counts....That sounds better.

High school drama termination countdown: 16 days
AP English Literature - May 5
AP Chemistry - May 13
dang, it's already May. boohoo. I'm graduating soon. =(