"As I Began to Love Myself..." by Charlie Chaplin

"As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is AUTHENTICITY.

As I began to love myself I understood how much it can offend somebody if I try to force my desires on this person, even though I knew the time was not right and the person was not ready for it, and even though this person was me. Today I call it RESPECT.

As I began to love myself I stopped craving for a different life, and I could see that everything that surrounded me was inviting me to grow. Today I call it MATURITY.

As I began to love myself I understood that at any circumstance, I am in the right place at the right time, and everything happens at the exactly right moment. So I could be calm. Today I call it SELF-CONFIDENCE.

As I began to love myself I quit stealing my own time, and I stopped designing huge projects for the future. Today, I only do what brings me joy and happiness, things I love to do and that make my heart cheer, and I do them in my own way and in my own rhythm. Today I call it SIMPLICITY.

As I began to love myself I freed myself of anything that is no good for my health – food, people, things, situations, and everything that drew me down and away from myself. At first I called this attitude a healthy egoism. Today I know it is LOVE OF ONESELF.

As I began to love myself I quit trying to always be right, and ever since I was wrong less of the time. Today I discovered that is MODESTY.

As I began to love myself I refused to go on living in the past and worrying about the future. Now, I only live for the moment, where everything is happening. Today I live each day, day by day, and I call it FULFILLMENT.

As I began to love myself I recognized that my mind can disturb me and it can make me sick. But as I connected it to my heart, my mind became a valuable ally. Today I call this connection WISDOM OF THE HEART.

We no longer need to fear arguments, confrontations or any kind of problems with ourselves or others. Even stars collide, and out of their crashing new worlds are born. Today I know THAT IS LIFE."

sacrifice

I think my new best friend is...my mom! No joke. I've spoken to her a handful of times since my trip home in April. She and I catch up on what's going on in our respective places or the latest family gossip, and it's become comfortable and comforting to express our feelings. People always say their mom is the best. But how can everyone's mom be the best? I guess, best is relative to what they know and have experienced. But I really do think my mom is the best. lol.

She truly epitomizes the word "sacrifice". Today, my boss says, "it's payday! but also, it's payment day..." She says that having children, you don't realize how much you rack up in credit card bills. She says she ends up spending more on her children than herself. And she'd rather have it that way. My mom is no different. She has sacrificed her time, money, and energy to her family and still does the same to this day. She has a truly gentle spirit, always quick to listen rather than speak. Her heart is somehow always full and always giving to her family and friends. She is most likely the most Christ-like example in my life.

Back to this Mom-being-my-best-friend...I never thought in a million years that this would be the case. But it's definitely for the better because with each visit, I see my parents aging. It does get disheartening that my trips back usually involve many visits to the hospital or reports on their health. I hope my trip next year would be more exclusive to spending more quality time, perhaps a true family vacation.

Sweet and naive

I went on a date last week with a nice fellow. There were moments where his face reminded me of Michael Fassbender. He was smaller in stature than I had expected. We had a nice, pleasant conversation. I didn't feel a spark between us...from him or myself. By the end, he excused himself for needing rest, and I was shocked that he didn't walk me to my car. But, he did pay for dinner! He sent me a message later on saying he had enjoyed himself and the message included his number and that I could text him if i wanted to...

It was indifference. Like "Hey you're cool but not cool enough for me to ask for your number and pursue you."  Or, he had met with me and I was either not as attractive (physically, personality, intellectually) as he had thought or he realized he wasn't ready for the whole dating scene since his divorce which I assume was recent.

I talked with Mom yesterday. I told her about the date and expressed that I didn't feel any "電" which is odd because it's the first time I hadn't felt a connection with a date. With the men that I've met over the last year, there has always been some sort of "spark". I wondered if it's a sign that I've gotten a change of heart or something that I haven't put my finger on just yet.

Mom said something nice in response. She said that I just need to remember to "be me" with these men. She said that I'm a sweet girl and the men I've dated probably noticed this quality about me early on. So, they were unable to commit to someone like me and instinctively ended things before getting too involved in fear of something serious or fear of getting hurt... or possibly hurting a sweet girl like me.

The Eagle Scout

He swiped right for me. We met for wine. He was unexpectedly attractive and attracted. We had so many wonderful moments. Improv Comedy Night with a side of Jack. Skating in Discovery Green. Cruising around enjoying the Lights. Birthday steak and wine for a night in. Home decor shopping in Goodwill.

Everything seemed perfect and smooth. Up until one moment. Then, a whirlwind of fears. A change of heart. Commitment phobia. Emotional unavailability. Silence. Rejection rears its terrible head in my corner.

I tell myself each time that I'll learn from my mistakes. I'll do better next time. I remind myself this isn't my first time to deal with this bitch named Heartbreak.

I can't control others' feelings towards me.

I have to let go of the anguish/despair of having someone...not love me back.

If he had wanted to, he'd make the time for me as he once did.

I'm dealing with the sames issues as before...what a horrendous cycle.