goodbye baby

I've cried everyday since Tigger left us. I didn't realize how much I would miss him, how much I regret not having been the best owner. I wish I would've picked him up more, rubbed his belly, or fed him treats. I keep rewinding to the moment when I realized he was no longer with us and I kept looking at him, thinking he would plop back up as he usually does. Then I thought, this isn't my dog.

And now, I'm in denial. I'm in my room, thinking he'll poke his head by nudging his nose through crack of the door, pace throughout my room, reach to the right side of my bed, and lay on his belly as he awaits for me to sleep or to take him out for a walk. I'm at work, anticipating going home to take him on a walk, get the mail, and feed him his 3rd meal of the day. I wait on the couch, hoping he'll jump up and sit between me and the armrest of the couch when there's nearly 6 ft of space between myself and the other side of the couch.

I would give anything to hear him sing again. I would give anything to see his tail wag when he anticipates jumping into the car on a trip with us. I would give anything to have him wait patiently by me as i eat, and him hoping i would drop a morsel of turkey his way. I would give anything just for him to nudge my hand to pet him and rub the back of his ears. I would give anything just to have him follow me around the house. I would give anything to hear him bark, come to find it was me who came through the backdoor, and wait for me to pet him.

I want him to follow me up the stairs. I want him to lead me to his water bowl to tell me he's thirsty. I want him to scratch the door to tell me he's ready to come back in from his walk.

He was such a stubborn dog, entitled, mischievous, and prideful. He was independent, easy to please, and loved to eat. He knew Chinese and would sing for me though it hurt his ears. He played rough with me and played tag.

Our family split in 2009, my parents in Taiwan and us here. Did I ever tell you that? I'm not sure. Once my mom moved away, he's never really been the same. I think he also died of a broken heart.

Now, mine is broken too. i miss you.

hope

Maybe there really is a turn for the better...

I finally did it. And it feels exhilarating. I've been wanting to this for a while now and I finally followed through. It feels different than the other goals I've made in the past. Somehow this feels, life-changing.

I have a sudden deeper appreciation for why I'm here. Not just to exist, but to love. Maybe that's all I really want proof of-- that true love exists... for me.