I've been overly contemplative lately. Rereading some of my old posts reminds me of how intuitive and analytical I was as a student. How hungry I was for information and trying to soak in my environment. Since I've started to work at a desk job, I try desparately to numb my mind along with my body. After work, the first thing I want to do is turn on the tv and just veg.

I'm afraid if I continue on this path, I'll become a couch potato.

I had several interesting conversations over the last couple of days. I recently rediscovered that men have insecurities just as women do. I think I've been so disconnected from the men in my life that I don't really know how to interact with them. I also think that I've unconsciously put my shield up for the last 6 months. Anyway, what I've concluded from these conversations it that I need to be confident and be myself. The people in my life have loved me thus far, there's nothing I can do to lose them (regardless if I want to or not).

But more importantly, I must do my best to glorify God with my thoughts, words, and actions.

It's been a while since I've had a sweet, surreal dream.

I was out with Joann and Angela. We were in what seemed like a mall. We were browsing through clothes. I noticed a group of guys walked by and were checking us out. I was too busy looking at some clothes and suddenly, Angela was nudging (or pushing) me towards the outer edge of the store and then I bumped into him. My heart skipped a beat and I had to remind myself to breathe. His friends had also "accidentally" pushed him towards me. We both looked at each other and laughed. He asked me how I was and exclaimed that it was so great to run into me. I smiled and said, "likewise." We sat somewhere while the others roamed about. He leaned in and told me that he was really happy to see me. He was explaining that he was just thinking about me. Prior to bumping into me, he had told his friends about me and our past. He said he was delighted to run into me after all this time. Soon, his face had leaned in so close, I thought he was going to kiss me. But he paused and we were interrupted by our friends. They wanted to go watch a movie. As he and I were walking, we were side by side with his arms around me at my waist. And for the first time, I felt safe.

What does this mean?

Lately, I've been really irritated, annoyed, frustrated, or otherwise, angry. For some odd reason, I've been very defensive towards the people around me. I may not have necessarily expressed these emotions to anyone specific. But I couldn't pinpoint where all this hostility was rooted in. It could be a number of reasons at this point.

About a month ago, my mom called me at work and as usual, she started spewing out all the things I needed to do (ie transfer money, pay for insurance, clean, file taxes). My frustration with her is that she's always doing that! It's never been about how am I doing. Or if I'm okay, emotionally. If anything, that comes later after she's made certain that things are getting done. I thought I had left work once I'm home. Even now, I'm tearing up. When she had talked to me that day, she also mentioned the crisis in Japan and told me not to think about going to Taiwan any time soon. And I think that's what tipped me over. Look at what you've done to me. This house isn't even mine. I didn't buy this house. It wasn't my decision to settle down here. I've been working for three years and I have nothing to show for it. I can't even save enough for retirement because of this burden.

They want me to be happy. They want me to express myself. How can I express myself when I am this miserable? If I did, it would only make them upset.

I made sure to distance myself towards my parents. It's easier to do because they are so far away. I even thought about completely cutting them out of my life because then I wouldn't have to be in this much pain...

After I spoke with my mom that day, I burst into tears. It was embarrassing. I ran to the bathroom, praying no one would be in there. Sure enough, my coworker was in there. I ran into the stall and tried to regain composure (which I'm usually really good at doing).

I'm at the end of my rope at this point.

Even last night, after weeks of not speaking, I just have to be numb when I speak to them because otherwise, I'd start crying. I hate this. I really do.