things i will never understand.

- why the grass turns yellow once it's winter
- why young basketball players make more money than my mom does
- why the government does nothing about the poor
- why out of all of the days in the year, only 13 days is given for vacation
- why my father criticizes me
- why teachers give so much work in such little time
- why boys break girls hearts
- why each time i cry, my soul becomes more wary of the world

side note: please do forgive me for sounding so terribly sad and sappy. However, i can't hide it. this is the only way i know how to express myself, my blog. this last year has been one of the most trying years i've had in awhile for a number of reasons.

Perhaps one of the reasons why blogs go on hiatus is to hide the fact that life is going so well for them. I don't know. I keep coming back to this place in abyss hoping for salvation. God is my salvation, i know. But a little part of me, the doubtful part mind you, questions if God hears me at all. My parents say i'm stubborn as hell. Maybe too stubborn to heed their noteworthy advice of attempting to be happy. And so, i'm stuck. I'm stuck here where there is no daylight, wandering for a shadow somewhere that leads to a glimmer of brightness.

let's face it, i'm a sad fool.

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

i have three options:

save face and try harder
or
pick a new major
or
pick a new university

daaaahhh.

1 down, 3 to gooo....

i don't want to study anymore. Finance stabbed me, cut me into pieces, threw me into the fire, and after the fire settled, stomped on what was left of me.

so sad.

oppa

i miss oppa.

it was around this time last year that i started to like him. I remember studying in the InfoCommons with him and Hanna and one other guy. He kept asking me who i liked. At the time, i was still recovering from a psuedo heartbreak and i liked the attention that i was getting from oppa.

i knew that i was going to have trouble getting past my bitterness from the heartache. At the same time, i couldn't help this affinity i had developed. I remember i spent an entire night with him and a couple of other friends. We were at the library, we ate dinner together, we went to watch a movie, and went out for another midnight snack.

In some ways, i wish you were here. I wish you were here as i look at the couples holding hands. I can have that. But i can't because you really are so far away.

Maybe this is for the best. This distance. It strengthens us.

dream, full of frustration

i had a dream that sums up how i feel over the last week.

frustration.

I tripped out against everyone i knew in my dream, AFC, ASA, friends, everyone. I threw the biggest tantrum, yelling and screaming. I was completely uninhibited. I was being stubborn and lashed out against everyone that has done me wrong.

wow. i'm internally violent.

can't you see?

can't you see?
my heart is breaking
every second that we're apart
all i want is for it
to all work out in the end

can't you hear?
the words i love you,
to greet you with a kiss
only to find that
i'm greeting the cold air
with nonsensical words

can't you see?
how i long for
intimacy
how i long for
transparency

oh how i wish you could see
these tears that fall
each day for you
oh how i wish you could hear
these songs that i sing
every moment for you

oh
that's right
you can't see
because how invisible am i
to you

i n vi s i bl e

reminiscing on how things were and wishing how things could be.

God is good. Just pray. He'll bring you into places you could have never imagined.

irresponsible.

i've lost my phone. So if you've tried to contact me within the last 24 hours, sorry. Call me at my house phone or email me.

dubious.

i think i may need to consider a new major.

Religion.

I get kinda antsy whenever my management teacher talks about God in class. I think i get antsy whenever a professor talks about religion and isn't a religion teacher. I should expect it cause i go to a baptist school. But. I don't know.

Maybe it's not because my teachers are talking about it, but maybe i've grown uncomfortable talking about God outside of church. How sad.

I remember, God using me at different times in different ways to glorify Him. I thought, all that needed to be done has been done. i guess not. God is reappearing in my life again in a different more subtle way. I hope he stays this time, because i don't know what to do without him.

the air becomes thinner.

It is finally getting cold. One thing comes to mind when the weather starts to change, fall finals are nearing.

Then i proceed to panic mode.

If i've learned anything at all, i've learned that i'll never have enough time for any one thing.

oh and another thing i have to mentioned, as of late, my faith in people has dramatically decreased.

asian fest was a success.

it's time to grow up.

Hebrews 5:13-14
Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's time to get in touch with reality of things. I can't live without God anymore. No matter how much I would want to shut Him out of my life, the unavoidable truth is that i'm helpless without his Spirit in my life.

Quit playing games, Grace. Know Him.

my cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

my throat hurts from laughing and screaming

so far, its a good weekend.

Asian Students Association presents...

ASIANFEST 2005
(2-day event - November 4 & 5)
7:30pm both nights

November 4: PANDAmonium Culture Show
Where: Barfield Drawing Rm.
Extra Info: cultural & modern dances, singers
and orchestra, fashion show, refreshments

November 5: Annual Banquet
Where: Cashion 5th fl. (left of elevator)
Extra Info: semiformal event, Chinese buffet,
keynote speaker Eric Liu (author of The Accidental
Asian and former speechwriter for Bill Clinton)

Ticket prices:
Culture Show: $2 for any student, $5 for others
Banquet: $6 for members,
$8 for non-member students,
$10 for others

Slacker.

I went to sleep at 10. I woke up at 8 to use the restroom. I went back to sleep a few minutes after. Then, i woke up at 11:30. My teacher should never cancel class, otherwise, i sleep 12+ hours.

I had the most surreal dream though. The entire dream's setting was right by the ocean or lake. My family had decided to go on a family trip and it was around the time that i was going to turn 21 (i remember this because my parents were joking about how i could buy alcohol while looking so young in the dream).But once we reached our destination, I ran off to meet with my friends from Baylor. I thought it was kind of ironic that i was on a family trip and end up playing with my friends. But i didn't care. I went to play tag with what seemed like a mix of people from AFC and ASA. One of the girls had a BB gun, not one of the guys, but one of the girls had a BB gun. She and I started to pick up rocks in place of the little pellets. She shot at people and we would start laughing at them right when they got hit. I felt so cruel. At the same time, it was exhilarating.

I think i miss having fun. It's been a while. I know that i laugh once in a while. But i don't remember the last time that i truly had fun where i could be carefree and enjoy life and its blessings. I often vicariously live through the life of others or through the ones i see on media. But that's unrealistic, yes?

I sure hope this weekend will be good.

reminder: do not call oppa.

irritable.

Lately, every little detail has been irritating me. I'm beginning to get a headache from thinking how annoyed i am at life right now.

Just when nothing seems to go right, i want to give it all up and pretend nothing exists. When in the end, it's that nothingness that was irritating me from the start.

maybe i just miss home.

One weekend at Lake Whitney.

Camping trip was really rewarding in many ways.

1. Freshmen had fun.
2. Nostalgia and memories of past AFC retreats.
3. Eating fest of hot dogs and hamburgers.
4. Staying up into the wee hours of the night, talking.
5. Playing mafia.
6. Sharing tents with 7 other girls.
7. Learning that God provides and supplies all that we need.
8. Playing violent Korean games help people bond.
9. Calling Andrew Mr. Po Po.

negative ambiguity.

i feel...

regret.
disappointed.
frustrated.
upset.

Things of distress accumulates and i don't know how to deal.

i was a cute toddler...

what ever happened?

i started to pull all-nighters and drink coffee.

good weekend.

I had an exceptional weekend. No classes on friday so my weekend started Thursday afternoon.

Robert came up due to the hurricane (hiricane, as he says it) and visited us in Waco. It was nice seeing him. I found him passed out at Eric's, so cuute! Then Jairo, Eric, Robert, and I went to Memorial to eat dinner. We met up with Eva, Karen, and Elaine! It was so fun! it's been awhile since i've laughed that much with friends. Afterwards, i went to ASA officer's meeting. Very productive, i'd say. Lasted for less than a hour, shortest meeting we had so far. Then on to Jairo's to watch movies. But everyone was passing out so the night was cut short.

The next morning, my dad calls me at like 8 and says they're in Waco because of the hurricane. I was so surprised and caught so off guard. Once they got in, it was really fun. I really do love my family. After lunch we all collapsed in the living room. We took a family nap =) Except once i woke up, i realize that i was the only one still asleep. My dad wanted to eat some good chinese food so they drove to dallas for dinner. Around 7:30, my dad calls and tells me to not eat dinner and wait until 9:00 because they were bringing back food for me. =) Hanna and I walked tigger. That was nice. Then Hanna and I enjoyed a good chinese meal. All in all, it was a nice day to relax and attempt to study.

The next day, I woke up to my mom's voice which was really weird considering i never audibly hear her voice in waco. So amazingly, i woke up at 9:30 without an alarm clock. Then my family left back to Houston. (how i miss my family already) Mika calls (!) and invites me to have lunch at Teriyaki Park. It was nice, kinda weird, but nonetheless nice. Then, my attempt to study with Robert...

Did not happen. I was really sleepy and wanted to take a nice nap. But i wanted to keep Robert company, but every time i'm close enough to turn a page of my reading, my head starts bobbing. After a while, i couldn't stand it, i went to bed. That night, I went to Praise Night at KUMC, which was relatively short, but enjoyable. Then we head over to Jairo's to wait for Sarah. The plan was to go bowling. I wasn't really up for it and kind of hesitant. But once i found out that Howie and Jen wanted to go as well, I was on the bandwagon. Bowling was actually a lot of FUN! Again, it's been awhile since i've had so much fun. All in all, I think Robert had played a big part of my having fun. thanks oppa.

Now, i'm studying for my finance test. wish me luck, for i need it greatly.

0 hours of sleep and counting...

sibling love.

i miss home.

distance does make the heart grow fonder.

it's 3 in the morning and i'm taking pictures of the bags under my small chinky eyes. will i wake up for class later today? I have yet to find out. Meanwhile, i think i'll talk about some good conversations i've had recently. I talked to Hanna about Christians the other day. We pointed out the divisions that we have in AFC and just people in general. For the first time in a while, I felt engaged and using my brain for some good use. I don't think we agreed on any concrete decision, but we did agree that we disagree in opinions about life. I had a good chat with Thomas. For the first time in a while, i voiced my honest opinion of him and he of me and it felt good. It's as if we connected through a few statements and a warm fuzzy gently passed through both of us. Last but not least, I talked with Jen. I talk with her all the time. But it's those conversations where we're both real with each other that make our relationship work. I care for her judgment/opinion and she cares for my judgment/opinion.

God is good. He gives grace through those that love.

sacrifice for accounting.

stress.

When you first meet someone you want to impress or befriend, say, a member of the opposite sex, often times you accommodate to them, fulfilling what you think they want in a "dateable" person. Or you finally find a friend that you can trust and have intelligent conversations about God or politics. You mold yourself into the image of a friend or a potential significant other. My question is how thin is the line between compromising who you are for another and changing to be a better, quality person?

I'll be frank. After many hundred hours of frustration, headaches, tears, pain, depression, and utter disappoint, I realize one thing...I ultimately and thoroughly am lost. I don't know what or who to care for. It seems like i've been sucked into a tornado, twisting and turning with debris flying all around me. It seems i haven't grabbed hold of life and in some strange way, life has grabbed a hold of me and won't let me free. I really do hope I find God in the midst of all this trouble in me.

On a lighter note, I went to the gym and had a lot of fun.

homecoming.

back, kicking and screaming.

disappointed.

My father left for las vegas today. He left this morning without even a goodbye kiss from me. I'm kind of upset at him for not saying goodbye. I think we left each other on a bad note the other night and i wish i had the chance to apologize. It didn't occur to me how upset i am for not being able to say goodbye until i realize that i won't see him before i leave for baylor. Granted, i could stay another day and just wait for him to come back. But that means not driving with elaine back to waco. aye.

I miss my dad.

plethora of one-liners.

i know that you don't want to read one-liners when you come to my site. Why do i post one-liners? Maybe. Maybe i have secrets. Maybe i'm keeping things quiet from people for the sake of doing so. Not because i don't trust. I've trusted before to those i thought were commendable for keeping it on the down low. Perhaps i like the idea of keeping my life to myself. I want to be selfish. Knowing that only God Almighty and I know about me, and me alone, is nice...for now.

Yes i have secrets. I like my secrets to be held secret. That's why they are called secrets.

every one has secrets. either from the world or from themselves.

victim of a bad haircut.

i cut my hair again. it's a no deal. =(

bleh.

emotionally exhaustive weekend.

issues with pride.

i am very proud.

It's really hard to hit my core. I rarely let just anyone get passed my guard. Even if one person is close, I end up layering another thick layer of stone. I either lie to them or lie to myself. I want to pretend that i'm just vulnerable enough for you to get to know, but not too much for you to trust me and vice versa.

My past friendships have been disasters. I can never maintain enough contact with an individual to make a lasting connection. One or the other party gives up and both are left bitter and regretful. I'm certain that if i opened up to and trusted my girlfriends now, i'd have the insatiable desire to see where we'll be like in 10 years. But somehow, i'm really hesitant and unsure of myself.

There was a period of time where I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was in so much crap and despair that it didn't matter what my parents said nor what my friends suggested. I wanted to be selfish for a while, drowning in my own fears and desperation. I refused to call those that i cared about, pretending like i didn't care. I didn't return my girlfriends' calls, relishing in my depression. I look back and it wasn't that long ago. But now, I want to. I want to break out of my shell. But i'm taking extremely small baby steps.

Is drama really there? Or is it out of your own imagination? Men don't usually have the trouble of getting into conflicts with other men. But why do women fuss over petty scenarios with other women that have the potential of occuring but will most likely, not. I'm trying to avoid the womanly thing to think that there is drama between myself and other women. But i just can't help it. Was it something i said? Something that i did? Something that i had stuck between my two front teeth? What is it that I just don't get and other girls do?

I want to ask others but i'm too prideful to call.

yum yum yogurt.

i went to the fridge to get a yogurt...mm yogurt. I take a scoop of it. yuum.

Doh! i already brushed my teeth...

oh well.

a lot of things are on my mind.

I believe in tough love. But i can't handle it when i'm the recipient of it. I don't know. I guess i'll be vulnerable once again. I've been having a hard time at home because i don't get along with my mom. I often think that she doesn't love me as much as she loves my brothers. She herself states that her mother never paid much attention to her. I believe an upbringing can shape a person's personality so much. Therefore, it's quite obvious my mother takes after her mother, smothering the boys. I want to say that she loves me the same as my brothers but her love for them exudes differently. But i'd be lying to myself and to my audience. She (and my dad) have been criticizing me ever since i remember going to grade school. You must be better than her. You must do better than this or that. And when i'm there crying on my bed, tears flowing like the waterfall, she expects me tell her how i feel inside. it's sad really. i don't know what i'm trying to say. But all in all, i feel like a hypocrite sometimes because i preach it but i don't accept it.

i'm obsessed with samurai champloo. I finished the anime and yearn for more of it. it's insane. a year ago around this time, i was obsessed with naruto. it's just a fad. I'll grow out of it, i hope.

yum yum chaa. =)

December 02, 2004

When I think about it, I've become listless. I've been so caught up in what's going on, what I need to do that I’ve grown calloused and numb to God. I know that I need to change but I don’t know how. I’m thinking it’s the environment I am in, the people I associate with and my flesh. I’m constantly struggling to breathe. It feels like I’m drowning in quicksand grasping for air as I frantically try to escape from the endless downward spiral of the insidious sand. God, I don’t know what I’ve done to go through this kind of hell. Please show me. Give me wisdom to discern. I don’t want to be stagnant in my faith. I want you to be on my lips all my days. I want to live for God and for God alone. I don’t live for anyone else. Not another person. Not even for myself. I’m lonely, God. I need you now more than ever. I miss you so much. Consecrate my body for You and You alone. If you are willing. As you will it God. Maybe I’m meant to be with you right now in heaven. Please take me out of this wretched body. I wish to meet with you, Oh God.

i am blessed.

i have so many friends who care about me. I have my family that support me. I live in a good neighborhood. I receive a really good education. I shouldn't complain.

I worship a great God.

generosity.

to give without the expectation of return, that is selfless. if you were given the world, would you accept it? sharing is caring, then what's giving? is the value of a person determine by how much he is given? And even if he was given something so wonderful how would he use it as a keepsake? would he place on a mantel to be worshipped? or would he maximize its utility?

i guess it depends on what you've given away.

if you gave me a gift, i would cherish it always.

neh.

Today was the last day of my anthropology class. The class was quite ridiculous. Usually, at university level classes, the professors have the students read an insane amount of pages from the text and in a matter of a week or so, the students would be tested over the material. I was familiar to that kind of teaching philosophy. Assign loads of reading and be tested on it. Nope, not with this anthropology class. The teacher gives us day-to-day notes about random anthropological subjects and tests us over the notes in a few days. For the final? we had notes given to us and then READ to us each class before the final. I didn't learn anything I hadn't already learned.

random question of the day: How long does God lead you into the desert?

new changes.

A lot of things are changing in my life.

Well, actually, just two.

A haircut and a NEW CAR!!! i want to show it off so badly. I hope i'm not becoming materialistic. Anyway! ANYONE WANT TO RIDE IN MY NEW CAR??

my baby.

my NEW baby

i am extremely giddy. Along side with my laptop, my guitar, and my boyfriend (jk >.>), I have a new baby.

it won't be long until i name it. THANK yoU! Muah*

crappola

i keep forgetting to call them! i need to stick a memo on my arm, CALL HER!

Happy Birthday to Amy Sung, Elaine Yeung, and Aaron Lee. 3 births in one day. nice.

I was reading some of my old posts earlier today. I realized something. I was really hungry!

I was truly hungry for God. When I had first became a believer, I really wanted to get to know Him. I wanted my inner parts to groan for his truth and it really did. I'd read the Bible as much as I could and try to understand things even with my inability to comprehend. My reading skills were never that great, by the way. I'd have to read passages over and over again to understand.

I don't know what happened in between then and now. I want to say that it's someone elses fault. I want to blame someone else. Then i think, there's no one to blame but yourself, Grace. You put yourself in situations. You put yourself in the place for ridicule and deceit.

No.

God has an interesting way of making my life a living hell, huh? God put me in and out of life's difficulties. So i would learn. Just as a baby learns to walk for the first time. He gradually eases his feet maybe a centimeter or an inch! just to reach from his cradle to the bottle on the table, in hope of appeasing his insatiable appetite. And just when he's courageous enough to take a few inches more, he falls! But with strength and will, he slowly reaches for the cradle and pulls himself up, out to try one more time.

I've fallen. I need to get up. I know God is with me. I know he is. Those tears I cry at night, it's because i want him. I know it. I just need to understand. I need to learn to understand. Will i choose to have courage or sit in cowardice?

here's a treat:

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 82% Emergent/Postmodern 68% Fundamentalist 46% Classical Liberal 46% Neo orthodox 43% Roman Catholic 39% Charismatic/Pentecostal 32% Reformed Evangelical 32% Modern Liberal 29% What's your theological worldview? created with QuizFarm.com

Socially Handicapped.

I ran into Fara and Clara today at Santong. I talked, like really talked to Natalie for the first time. I met new people and could not for the life of me, remember their names.

I've grown somewhat weary of meeting new people in a way. It's either getting to know people that aren't in your immediate circle of friends or conversing in listless chatter that doesn't have much worth to it, in other words, it takes effort. Quite frankly, i'm tired. I think i need a little break from humanity. If i haven't returned your calls or picked up my phone, it means i'm on a break. But i'll get back to you as soon as i'm available to be used again.

Okay, Okay. I'll try not to be bitter.

I'm suppose to be working on my research paper. =) but instead i want to curl up with a nice book in one hand and a cup of mocha in the other.

Seniority.

I finally realized that i am old. Dah, i played poker for the first time in a lone while tonight. Robert and I played with a few high school students. It consisted mostly in observing and participating in these boys taking our money, well, more of robert's money. They were persistently aggressive. They're not even bluffing, they're just scaring the crap out of you. I think, if the buy-in was 40 and the anti was 10, it would be a different story.

I was also talking to Elaine. We met up for dinner, but it ended up, simply us meeting up to chat. She turns 20 soon. And she vocalized the fact that when you hit 20, there's no significant landmark, like getting in to watch rated-R movies, or the ability to buy cigarettes, or casually walk into the casino. Turning 20, simply means, you're getting old. Oye. I hear my girlfriends, exclaiming to be old at the age of 21 and i didn't understand, but now i do. aiyah.

AND, i think the awkward moment of the day was when the host for the poker game decided to use the restroom and didn't close the door. >.<

i've had some tripped out dreams...this last one might be on my top ten.

There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues. They are messengers of overwhelming grief...and unspeakable love.
-Washington Irving

I'm tired of crying.

women are vicious.

i spent the first half of my day watching television. I can't do this anymore, man. I've been losing brain cells ever since i got back from baylor. But anyways, so i spent the first part of my day watching "the next american top model". I just could not tear myself away from the tv. There was an episode where each contestant had to pose nude for the camera. One of the girls that was from tennessee just refused to take off her clothes because she thought she would have been defiling or degrading her body because her body is "holy and sacred". However, according to the make-up artist, at a previous photo shoot, Robyn, the so-called holy diva, had been jiggling her assets to him. Now, Tyra called her out and lectured her about talking about Jesus, keeping a pure mind and heart, and keeping her body sacred just to turn around and think only for her own benefit, criticizing others, or simply being a hypocrite...

...That's why we get bashed so much.

I have to confess, it's hard to live a pure and holy life. It's hard to think of others more highly than yourself. i know that God didn't say it was easy. But how does the church reach out to the community when there are people out there misrepresenting Jesus? People go overseas. And that's great. Spread the gospel in the motherland. But what about in the states? I think America needs some revival. I need some revival.

Another thing i noticed lately is that life is simply about choice. You choose to take drugs or not. You choose to go to college or not. You choose which college to go to. You choose your major. You choose the blue or red pill.

You choose to believe in Christ. You choose to go to church. You choose to love. You choose to make an impact in someone's life.

the reason why i feel stagnant? is because i choose to be lazy. lol. simply put. Man, i need to get my life into gear.

[by the way, i think the title is irrelevant]

Parentheses.

beginning of last semester, my life seem to turn towards the greater mark of a parenthesis.

but it has become void of meaning.

it is worse than i expected.

life is boring.

I think, then, at this point, i begin to psychoanalyze why i feel this way. it's because i don't hear from God anymore. it's because i'm depressed. it's because i don't have any friends. it's because i'm not in school. it's because my relationship with my parents are on the rocks. it's because my relationships, in general, are on the rocks. it's because i don't hear from God anymore...

Now why? why, grace? I thought you were semi-spiritual. I mean you talk about God. You praise God in your blogs. You go to church. You lead bible study. You own a bible. You pray, don't you?

...don't you?

I was driving one day. And i began to pray. I prayed for a miracle. It didn't happen. I prayed for salvation in the life of one of my friends. I don't know if that happened, no evidence to verify. Then i realized. I've become my own worst nightmare, i've turned into one of those people who turn to God because i want something. My prayers have grown self-absorbed, conceited, and prideful. How can that be? I only turn to God because i want him to do something for my benefit. Whether it's to make me look better or to help my situations.

i want to be selfless.

i want the content of my parentheses to have meaning.

but how? please help.

Reflections.

We went to Cheddar's on Wednesday. I don't remember if it was Richard or Haena, but one of the them made a comment about people changing after they get into a relationship.

That got me to thinking. Have i changed?

I look back and a part of me wants to believe that i've stayed true to my core. To think that i'm the same person coming into college up until now?

i've also been having random thoughts about leadership. Doubts, if you will. Have you ever had those times where you regret, knowing you could have handle situations differently and better?

click here. it seems he'll explain things better than i ever could.

major bumage.

man, i'm such a bum when i come home. I need to start making to-do lists or something to keep my time occupied.

Dedications

Apphia - i adore you! My Baylor experience has been great because of you. I love that you are a delight to be with. You always seem to know how to brighten my day, by singing a song, making a face, pinching my cheeks or praying for me, asking how i am doing, and simply loving me. I thank God for you Apphia. You are so humble and i can see your love for God resonate through your life.

Jessie - You rock my socks off. Out of all the girls here, i think you are ultimately the coolest. You're so laid back that i question even if i came from california. You have this great ability to look at situations and take the best out of it. I remember i was soo bummed out about volleyball but you stayed and cheered me up.

Andrew - My true older brother. Oye, we've been through a lot. You frustrate me half the time, but i know that deep down you love me. hehe. You've taught me to be responsbile for my actions and fess up to them. Regardless of the crap, i know that you are my friend, always. You have a gift of taking care of people and drawing people near to you. You care for people so much that it freaks me out, but it's definitely God-given.

Aaron - geez. what can i say. You are Aaron. i think you're special. SPECIAL-ED. teehee. no, but Aaron is truly a humble guy. He has been such an encouragement since we've been on leadership. I can see that God has a true grasp on your heart.

Richard - My older bro. I do believe i'll miss our talks on Accounting. Richard is one of a kind. A true soldier to say the least. I still don't believe that you'll be sitting in a cubicle, filling out tax forms for people, but hey, whatever God wants, right? But Richard has a devotion that is phenomenal. He makes God so real in his life, that he makes it real for me.

Ron - the man of two words. hehe. Ron is truly a leader. His love for God is so astounding, it's scary sometimes. I'll always remember the time you consoled me for locking my keys in my trunk (hangs head). It was so simple but it had such a great impact. Your love for God and for people truly amazes me.

Hanna - HAANNAA, my dearest friend. We've been through a lot these last two years. We've grown apart and come close again and again. You've taught me how to express myself and to be myself without fear. You are free-spirited and have a such a strong will. At the same time, i can see that you're growing each day towards God's will. I can't wait to live with you next year, it's going to be awesome.

Kristina - Kris! You are so sweet, caring, beautiful, courageous, strong, humble, and gentle hearted. I have not met anyone like you nor do i think i ever will. I love our late night talks, even the one that lasted until 5 in the morning! Thanks for always being there to pray for me and love me in my most vulnerable moments. You truly are the epitome of friend and sister.

Peter - Peter is everyone's older brother. Thanks for always being there to be a leader. I know that i can count on you to bring everyone together and have everyone's attention because frankly, everyone respects Peter. You have a gift of teaching and encouragement. You always know what to say and have such eloquence in saying it. You have a genuine care about people and that amazes me.

Zoe - My dear sister! Man, you are truly awesome. I love your vulnerability. I cherish the times where you've come to me talk about life or your day. You are so teachable and humble and caring and sweet and list goes on and on. Your joy for life is astounding and has this great effect on people especially me. I hope that God continues to strengthen our relationship into the next year.

Mika - what can i say about this girl? SOO many things! i've seen you grow so much in God and your innocence is wonderful. You inspire me to be a better person. I know that i can always count on you to be there for me to be silly or to talk about life. I can't imagine life without you!

Eva - Nu'er-ah! my sweetie. You have such a giving heart. You're always there to help and take care of people. I know for a fact that whenever i need anything, i can turn to you. At the same time, you are so strong. You have your own mind and am not afraid to speak it.

Jennifer - My Jenjen! Our relationship is so obscure, yet so lovely. I'm so thankful God placed you in my life to keep me accountable in my ways. Yeah, we hardly see each other, but when we do, we have so much to talk about as if we've been lifelong friends. You are so down-to-earth and silly and beautiful and so true to your heart. You never cease to amaze me.

Michael Pham - Pham! this guy is awesome. he cooks! enough said. When a man knows how to cook, he'll succeed in life. Or at least have a very lucky girl. haha. Pham is a man after God's own heart. i love our random conversations in the middle of the night on aim. We can be silly one minute, reminiscing about napoleon dynamite and the next minute, spill our guts about being the scum of the earth and how we need God to send down his wrath to straighten us up.

Elaine - this girl rocks. She's taught me to live life more openly as well as fearlessly. I love it that she makes me feel so comfortable when i'm around her. I can always be truthful with her, even though i know she doesn't necessarily want to hear it. She is probably one of the first people that i've gotten really real with. She has a genuine care for people. Oh! and she is probably the most responsible chick i know. You are to be admired, Elaine.

Phuong - This girl is my girl. I love her so much. I remember the late night talks we had about relationships and God. I still can't forget that one night when i went to your room last year for a sleepover. I thank you for your caring heart and the ways you've comforted me in my most weakest moments. I love you for loving me. You have a strong heart and will. I see God in you, working and kneading in places unimaginable.

Haena - Your joy makes me happy, that's all i can say. You are a great storyteller. I love your stories and how excited you get whenever you get the chance to share. I will never forget the times when we stayed up late talking about life or relationships. I hope that i continue to grow closer with you within the next year. This girl is also so carefree, open, and honest. I love it.

Robert - oppa~! We've come so far. I can't get over the fact that i got to know you so well in the last 6 months. Your foresight into the future amazes me. I don't know anyone else that has the gift of seeing into the future. hehe. You are a true gentleman. I still remember the night where you stayed up late to keep us company even though you didn't have to, and this was even before i really got to know you. I'm excited about this summer. i hope that our relationship continues to flourish in God.

April Mayhem.

Every weekend in April was packed. I have been going nonstop listlessly. Oye. But many pictures. Some, from other people's albums. Enjoy! (Trip to Six Flags (4/23) not included)


Steppin' Out (4/2): it was a lot of fun. Me and Aileen were joking around the whole time. We shared a bond in being lazy and letting everyone else do the labor.


Stompfest (4/9): As of right now, i feel Stomp-deprived. It's not the same when you don't see the people you've been practicing for months with. In a matter of minutes, all of our hard work had paid off. It rocked. We had been stifled, for sure.


Semiformal (4/16): Julia, Jessie, and Apphia lookin' pretty.


Hongya and Thomas, straight out of GQ.


Me and Robert <3


yay! girls!


1 month (4/21): lovely.


Last Playground Concert (4/29): Robert, Eric, and Anthony.


Triad (Thomas, Steve, and Jason) and me. Woot.


Trip to Austin (4/30): Howie and Jen. CUUUUTE.


Me and Robert. SURPRISE! He looks funny.


Jen and I. =)


IT'S OVER! The look of delight that the month of APRIL is finally over!

dedications are in process.

new look.

Of course, i decided to change my template. Now i reverted back to using blogger's templates. It's nice looking. professional. i like it. Maybe it'll last a little longer...probably not.

I'm listening to john mayer's old cd. It's odd how music can bring back so many old memories. i've been sitting here in my room for the last 3 hours listening to the cd on repeat, remembering my high school days. Nostalgia. how bittersweet it is.

Next week is dead week. My first final is on thursday. My last on monday. can't wait until it is all over. I've been homesick lately. I really want to go home and hug my parents, my brothers, and my dog. hehe. Summer will be uber busy. I'll be taking classes like mad at hcc.

oye ve

I'm sick. I'm sneezing, sniffing, and coughing like none other. Please pray i get better before finals.

boo.

But praise God, this weekend will be good.

We're going to Six Flags. Although, i really should just stay and study. aiyah. Nah, i'd rather go play.

g'day friends.

matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

one month.

in one month, can so many things happen.

happy one month, babe.

how depressing.

oye.

stressed.



and i only have myself to blame.

Desperate need of oxygen.

in the middle of the night, i grasp at my heart feeling it beat after beat as if it was going 80 miles an hour. Once i grabbed at my chest, it felt like my heart was being clenched and squeezed from life. I may die of a heart attack, guys.

i jest.

But seriously, i had the weirdest feeling last night. My heart felt like it was pumping way too hard than need be. Maybe listening to trance music while sleeping does that to you. =P

I've been missing in action (MIA). I haven't blogged since spring break. A lot of different events and feelings have come and gone. I really feel that blogging helps me express my feelings more coherently. So i shall do my best to sound somewhat understandable.

Spring break was fun. I got to hang out with hanna in Houston. We ate a lot! It was quite a binge fest down in houston between the two of us. I guess i wanted for her to have a lot of fun. and eating is fun. so therefore, we had a lot of fun cause we had a lot to eat. Anyway, there was this one night where we went to Karaoke and it was just the two of us. That was a lot of fun. I didn't expect it to be fun because it is just between the two of us, but surprisingly we had a 2 hour sing fest in that big room. I regret not spending much time with Michael. It was cute. He would complain to my mom for my neglecting him.

"Why does Grace have to come back if she doesn't even hang out with us [us being him]?"

Don't worry Michael, once i get back to Houston, you will never have to worry about me not hanging out with you.

Come back for 4 days of school, and Easter Break comes and goes. I went to Dallas for a day. It was quite enjoyable to say the least. We had Dim Sum, went to Eva's place, then Main Event, ate some really good Korean food, and Karaoke again! Around 15 people, give or take a few, that drove from Waco to Dallas and we met up more people in Dallas. It was a really big group so Laser Tag was a lot of fun at Main Event.

...Now crunch time. School is nearly over. I need to buckle down and study.

My brother came into town on Saturday and left after lunch on Sunday. He came to go to church at Antioch. I went to visit the church for the first time as well as to meet him up. Seeing Andy, made me realize how our relationship has manuevered onto the rocks. I don't really interact with my brother. You could say i have a broken relationship with Andy. When he called me to find a place for him and his friends to stay, i felt like he would only call to ask something of me. Granted, he and his friends decided to stay at a motel. I don't know. I'm not ready to love him. But Lord, please help me try.

The sermon was about Integrity by Pastor Jimmy. I couldn't help but feel convicted. I once told myself that i wanted to lead a life of integrity. It doesn't feel like i have been doing so. I mean, i have, but not to the full extent of glorifying God with my heart, body, and soul. A good point that he made was that if we say we abide in Jesus, why don't we walk like him. I want to walk like him and walk with him. I hope for the sake of Jesus.

the end.

it's late.

man on fire. a good movie.

Spring Break.

Yes, yes. It's that time of year again.

Everyone enjoy their Spring Break. Have fun. Be safe.

Yesterday, after step practice, i wanted to wish everyone a good Spring Break. I had it all in my head, yell ["Have a good Spring Break!"] Okay good.

Open my door before i left.

"HAVE A SPRING..BRreak?"

i mean, have a good spring break... *hangs head

^__^

1. How has God used this past year of leadership to refine your character? Or, what is one thing that God has done IN you?

I’ve become more aware of my environment. My actions affect a lot of people. God has humbled me to think of others before myself. I’ve learned to be more intentional about my relationships. There’s a two-way traffic. For a period of time, I didn’t put much effort in maintaining my relationships. He’s made me more aware of the fact that people don’t think the same way I do. In turn, they can’t read my mind. Therefore, I need to express myself more to provide input and also practice communication.


2. How have you seen God work THROUGH you to minister to others?

He’s given me a lot more patience. I’ve been trying to maintain a lot of accountability with my sisters. I check up on them every once in a while to see if they’re emotionally drained and whatnot. And try to figure out how to pray for them and console them. I have this thing of praying for people that pop into my head. For instance, I’d walk to class and see someone that I know, wave, and start praying for them in my head.


3. What are you hoping will happen in you by continuing to lead?

I want to challenge and be challenged. It feels like I’m at a plateau reaching for something higher. But I don’t have an escalator or a flight of stairs to walk on towards the destination. I’ve noticed that AFC has become so activity oriented that there’s not much time to rest. I hope that people don’t think AFC is like the other student organizations where everyone meets to socialize but a place for spiritual revival.


4. What have you done to deepen your relationship with Jesus over the past year?

I journal whenever I have a lot of things on my mind. It helps me in prayer as well. Whenever I see that I have a flaw, I pray that God would help me rid of a sin or strengthen me to be more Christ-like. I’ve been through a lot of trials in terms of leaning into God rather than depending on myself. It’s been hard to focus solely on Jesus. There are a lot of distractions.


5. What are some dreams that you have for our community of AFC?

The future of AFC lies among the future leaders. I hope that we’ll focus more on quality, not quantity. I want people to feel challenged at the end of large group or small groups; Challenges for each individual or as the body of believers.


6. Evaluate the health of AFC in following areas: (You will probably have more to say than others).

Grace: In general, our community is very gracious. Whenever people need a run to Wal-Mart, those who have cars help out. For me, it’s hard for me to forgive. I hold grudges relatively long. On my part, it’s hard for me to give grace in that area. The leaders are always willing to help out. I know I’m always there for those that call on me. People ask others how they are doing; they show concern.
Community: We’re very social. I think as a whole, we know how to socialize and have fun. I noticed that some people feel left out at times. People have approached me and candidly expressed that AFC tends to be too exclusive. On Baylor campus, we’re not really involved in engaging among the student body.
Prayerful dependence: I know that as leaders, we try to get together each Saturday to pray with each other. However, I don’t know much about prayer within the body. We pray for dinner and such. But for each other? Not that I know of.
Witness: We tend to be obnoxious as a group. It doesn’t seem like we are considerate of outsiders. We’re so focused on establishing a core group within that it’s hard to outreach.
Multi-ethnicity: On a superficial level, we have an eclectic group of Asians (Vietnamese, Korean, Chinese) and a few friends of friends that are Mexican or Caucasian.


7. AFC serves the campus through small groups, large group, outreach, and prayer ministries. What type of ministry would you like to be involved in (from among those listed, or add a new one)?

I’d like to do prayer ministry.

8. What are your plans for the summer? Who will you be living with next year?

I’ll be working in Houston as an intern. I will also be taking a few classes at the community college. I’ll be living with Hanna Lee and Christian Alvarez.


9. Are you planning on going to REC Week, May 19-25?

Yes, I do plan on going to RecWeek.

the more i know, the more i want to learn.

I've realized that the key to learning material is that you have to be interested in the material. In order to be somewhat interested in the material, you need to have exposure to the material. Economics is now interesting to me because i understand it. Last year, economics was just a bore to me. I slept in class. I slept while studying. Garner was a nice guy but he just talked way too much.

I think another thing is that i need to be challenged. If i'm not challenged, i won't be motivated to work hard. I have a bet going with Andrew where the person who gets the lower test grade in PolySci has to treat the higher grade to dinner. I studied and i did better than i did last time. whee.

yay for studying...kinda

sidenote: robert is a jerk.

surreal bodily functions.

I'll just be blunt. I have my period. I'm also sick. It's the most surreal feeling. My body aches. My body temperature is unstable. I feel bloated even though i didn't eat much. I've lost all sense of time. I miss a couple of classes.

Surprisingly...

I'm unexpectedly upbeat. God is good.

I think it's during these times, that i know he's here taking care of me. I know that he's humbling me. I know that he's teaching me. It's wonderful to know that someone cares.

thank you.

major withdrawal.

I have these periods where i just want to get away. I want to escape from the people, the problems, the drama, the work, the whatever. I think going to austin will help. Yes, i'll be in austin this weekend.

like whoa

this last weekend was outrageous.

Battle of the sexes: i'm really competitive. I give a lot of sass when i'm competing against guys. I suck at making boys smile. And, i can't keep a straight face for the life of me.

After party at Cheddar's: i like mucho. I went to eat with Richard, Phuong, Haena, and Eric. It was fun chit chatting and laughing at each other. I kind of broke my no-eating-after-10 thing, but i think those buffalo wings were worth it.

Ocean's 11: Hanna, Haena, and Phuong fell asleep. Eric was awake the whole time. I don't understand how he was so giddy during the movie.

Hanging out at Jairo/Robert's place: stayed up until 10...that's all i'm at liberty to say.

...i should never do that again.

it's all in my head.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to You.

I'm beginning to hallucinate.

Man, my body is beginning to twitch. It's pretty late or early. It feels like finals all over again. I really have no reason to stay up. I should just sleep. But i'm worried about my speech. I want to make it awesome. I want to make it perfect. I want to be awesome.

thanks robert for helping me out. i thought i was going nowhere. you gave me direction. =) so nice.

Today was surreal. I want to expand. But i don't want to depress you.

twilight zone

i don't mean to step on toes. It just kind of happens.

Suck.

I'm sorry! i'm sorry i'm stupid. i'm sorry i do things without thinking ahead of time. i'm sorry i say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Lately, i've been brutally honest with people. I hate drama. I was hoping by telling people what's on my mind and heart, that i wouldn't have to hide things from them and that would rid of the drama in my life. Unfortunately, more keep rushing in.

How do i live a life of integrity which honors God and serves others??

late for chinese!!

i got this off of a comment at "sterling&co"

"sometimes, being uncertain is exactly where He wants us to be. . . it exercises our faith."

is it me, or does the room seem really dark?

I'm going through a dark period. I don't understand a lot of the things i do. I think i upset people when i really don't mean to. I want to make a decision for my future. I want to set goals for myself. I want to know what will happen a year from now. But if i don't step into the water, how will i ever know?

Life is about taking risks. It's when you trust God that everything makes sense.

Maybe i am having a hard time trusting God for my relationships, my career, my family, and for myself. It's been a long time since i've heard from him. I wonder if i shout to him, he'll hear me call him.

I'm scared of stepping on people's toes. I'm scared of making the wrong move to upset people. I'm not being myself. I have a hard time trusting people. I sense a lot of my relationships are one-way, because i make them that way.

trying to regain consciousness

for its only in your will that i am free.

I've been lost. This last semester was a blur. I don't remember half of the things that happened. I've been carried away by lust and temptations. And had a hard time coming back to reality and to the truth. I need God more than ever. Truthfully, I am uncertain about life. I have doubts. I continue to struggle with the idea of a supreme being having complete control of my life. I am often confused of God's will in my life. Am i doing things for him or for my own selfish recognition? Tonight, i've been reevaluating my life. Who am i serving?

I'm so lost. There are a lot of things going right now. I don't know how to manage. I'd give it up to God but i don't where to start. Maybe rest will clear my mind.

Revitalized.

Thank you to:
Pastor Chris, Mario, Nathan, Vincent, Edwin, Grant, Howie, Andrew, Robert, Khoa, Alan, and Aaron

Jung, Sami, Elaine Yao, Rebecca, Lee, Peggy, Natalie, Mika, Kristina, Apphia, Elaine Yeung, Hanna, Diane, Zain, Lisa, Haena, Hazel, Karen, Wynette, and Jennifer

...i love that you guys called me, text messaged me, sent me emails, marked my wall, or visited me to wish me a happy birthday. I had a wonderful birthday. Thank you Elaine for the movie and my first jamba juice smoothie. I had a great time catching up with you and Rebecca. After the movie and drink, i went home and played tennis with my younger brother and my dad. it was fun. Then, i went to dinner with the fam. I loved it. I stuffed myself like whoa. Loved it.

I realize how much more i appreciate my family now. God has opened my eyes to their qualities and their beauty.

Andy has become more considerate. He has more compassion. He has become more of a friend than an older brother and i think that's what me and michael want most from him. At the same time, he has become more confident and ambitious than ever before. I'm so proud of him.

Michael is my world. I love him to death. I am closest to him. Out of all the people i know, i can be most myself around him. He doesn't hold grudges. He teaches me so much about being patient and ability to compromise. He humbles me every so often and puts me in my place. hehe. Who knew a younger brother could do that.

My mom is beautiful. I realized how genuinely sweet and caring she is. With what's happened recently, i now see how much she really loves me. She's willing to listen. She understands. She sacrifices so much. She's so patient with my arrogance. I can't imagine what life would be like if she wasn't around. Her prayer life has been great too. She is spiritually growing.

Last but certainly not least, my daddy. If you've kept with me in my blogging journey, i've complained, ranted, and screamed about my dad til no end. I seriously think God has softened his heart. I don't know if it's cause he's growing old or what. Or maybe being diagnosed with diabetes has cause him to go 180. But my dad has become sensitive. He's learned how to listen before he speaks. He keeps my best interest in mind at all times. He talks about God more freely. He's more affectionate than ever. Again, with today being my 20th birthday, he has expressed his love for me more than ever.

...so much joy. thank you God for this day. i love you.

by the way...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

New beginnings.

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen.

Tis a new year. I already have things to share. I spent tonight with my family. First i went to dinner at my Aunt's place. Huong's family came over as well. I didn't eat much because of a delicious feast of hotpot early this afternoon. Afterwards, the kids plus my mom went to daniel's room to watch the 10 best episodes of friends. After we found huong's mom (a whole other story), me and my parents left for home. On the ride home, i realized i spoke exactly two words at dinner. My uncle asked me if it was my second year at baylor, i said yes. My aunt asked me when i was going back to waco, i said seventh. I'm not in a talkative mood to say the least.

We came back. My dad plopped himself in front of chinese cable. My mom and i plopped in front of Kate & Leopold on TNT. I need a gentleman.

I make new year resolutions each year. Recently, i've started a pattern for at least one of my resolutions. I boycott something. For the year 2003, i boycotted (or what i'd like to call "fasting" but that might be considered heresy) boba. Last year, i didn't buy or drink any starbucks...kinda. I broke it a week beforehand. But what did i expect? hehe

This year i want to whole heartedly promise myself and others to be a better person in keeping my resolutions.
Resolutions:
1. tell one of my secrets to at least one person.
2. a random act of kindness given to others as occasionally as possible.
3. live with integrity.
4. read the word, pray, and worship daily.
5. be less critical.
6. love unconditionally.
7. honor my parents.

These are very generalized. Yes, i know. I don't want to promise something that i don't intend to keep. God, help me with the things that i struggle with. Teach me in your ways of goodness. May this year bear fruit so that it may glorify you.