I am so tired.
In the past month, I've gone out so much I don't think my dog recognizes me anymore. He bit me and I'm a bit upset at him for it. Anyway, when i first started working, I took every opportunity to rest and sleep on the weekends. But lately, I am constantly going out. I don't know if it's the holiday buzz and that I'm always itching to go out, but I'm getting burnt out. And the sad thing is, I don't really know where my time has went and I haven't had much time to evaluate myself in all of the busyness. And it's not like my time is spent helping others or anything selfless. It's all really selfish.
Today, I thought to myself, why am I constantly going out? Is it because I'm running away or avoiding the inevitable? Or is it because I can't say no? It's probably both. But what am i doing? I think the more I go out, the more lost I become. I'm in social situations where I'm uncomfortable and awkward where I could be at home cleaning my room for my feng shui. I'm eating more and more where I could be at the gym walking off that love handle...probably should be doing more than walking, but I'm not even doing that! Anyway, the more unfamiliar the territory, the more quiet I become. I tell myself, there's nothing wrong with being quiet and sweet. If they don't like you, it's their loss, not yours. Don't try to be somebody you know you can't be.
I also am so guarded that it hurts. I've built a fortress with an iron gate around my heart and the fortress continues to build and become impenetrable. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows. I'll sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning.