it's really interesting how you can only interact with certain people. There's bound to be someone that you just click with, and then, there are others who have the tendency to rub you the wrong way. I tried to adopt this idea of getting along with everybody and anybody ever since i understood social interaction. That there had to be something that we (that person and I) can connect on a certain level. My theory is somewhat at fault. My conclusion is still in progress.

Hanna and I went to CPR class yesterday. It was tedious and repetitive. aiyah. 6 hours of my life was spent in the same room watching a movie with dummies. I mean, I passed the test. I made new acquaintances. I just wished I had been sleeping instead. Afterwards, we walked across campus to Pizza Hut. We talked about random stuff. But the one thing i remember was that she asked me something. She asked me, "Why don't you talk, Grace? I mean, you tell me stuff when I ask you questions. But I've never heard you talk."

I gave her a series of excuses:
- my dad
- limited friends in high school
- seeming ignorant, foolish, dumb, idiotic, etc.

...But it boils down to the fact that i just don't have much to say. I wish I could tell you that i was an interesting person. Yet, I don't even know that. I have and will say this again: I lost a sense of myself.

Maybe Ashley Christian was right: I am boring.

Thank you for those in the past that have asked me why i am so quiet, why i don't talk that much. I didn't think you noticed.

Friday
- bombed my psychology test
- went to Hillsboro on the way to Dallas
- ate pho with Zoe, Eva, Peter, Samuel, Daniel, Jenni, and Andrew

Saturday
- Stonebriar
- Eva's place for Korean dramas in Chinese
- korean food for dinner...soo goood

Sunday
- worship at Dallas Chinese Fellowship Church
- dim sum at Lucky house (?)
- Java - Rasberry Tea, Chess
- Nap at Eva's
- Elf
- Korean dramas in Chinese

Monday
- Awaji
- Dunkin' Donuts
- Adventure Golf, Batting Cages
- Eva's fried rice for dinner [yum]

The weekend was nice. I enjoyed it very much so. Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcomed. I felt really special. It was great how each day, we spent it with someone new. On Saturday, it was Daniel who went to Stonebriar and dinner with us. Sunday - met up with Gracie at church and Java. Monday - Pham to eat lunch, watch us play putt putt and batting cages.

good times. good times...

[Coming home]

I realize why I don't come home that often...i belong to a dysfunctional family. Yeah, I believe that. It is taking me awhile to accept it, but I'm learning to love the fact.

My dad is mad at me. My brother likes to argue with me. My mom is hardly home. My other brother can't seem to find himself, and among other things intermingling with the fact that our family lives on lies. We all put up fronts of who we truly are to appease each other. It's been like this since I've had a memory.

I also want to address why I am the way I am
- I am indecisive. The reason: I've never been able to hold on to my own opinions and subjective thought. It has always been shot down by the male species of our family. I got tired of fighting so I let them have their way without speaking mine. Not to say that others are indecisive due to family circumstances, it just happen to be like that for me.

- My compulsive tendency to say "yes" even when I don't want to. I would be disciplined whenever I refused to do something I didn't want to do. "Disciplined" is a euphemism for being beat. The consequences were never once positive, needless to say. Those were the times when I felt as if my father least loved me. He didn't want me to say no. He would express his disappointment through his anger. Somehow, and I'm sure it is very valid...i apply it to everybody. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants to be said "no" to. Even if i am not in the mood, don't feel like it, or just downright uncomfortable...i will say yes, isn't that pitiful?

- My silent, quiet nature. [sigh] what can i say?

These 3 are things that make up a "pushover". I wish it wasn't so. But I do find myself lost in the abyss of college life. Again, I've lost my sight. Please guide me home.

When do you come to the point of complete and utter surrender to God?

I do want to surrender all to God. I know and have complete confidence that God is holding me in His hands. Therefore, he is control of everything. He has my plans intermingled with His plan. His plan for me is for my best interest and for the betterment of my life. Then why am i so afraid of giving up certain things that are causing me to stumble? If i really and truly trust God then giving up the nonsense of the world should be easy. =/

What have i been up to?

I have been doing my best to keep up with my work, trying to get ahead in all my classes.
I have been making a great deal of friends in and out of AFC.
I have been trying to devote everything to God.
I have been so busy that i'm physically and emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

how's that for generalizations?!

Beautiful Day

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In a maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me love
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China, right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have, you don't need it now
What you don't know, you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day

--------------

I must say it was a gorgeous day yesterday. I was reminded of the song above as I was walking to class. Soaking and basking in the beautiful and glorious sun. ahh, so nice.

You know, i've noticed that i am quite ignorant. I even go as far as to say that i feel like a simpleton at times. Robert and Zoe may not think so, but i do. There so many things that i am just totally naive about. It's quite sad how little i know.

I think I've lost a part of myself. I have been so caught up in establishing friendships and relationships with people that i've been giving a piece of me each time. It's been awhile since I've had time to energize on my own. To sit back and absorb the blessings of God. Cause, you know, life (i.e. college) goes by so fast. It takes effort to slow it down a bit. These are the times i miss high school. My parents brought back my sanity after class ended at 2:36. They brought me down to earth and showed me reality for what its worth. Sometimes, i wish my parents were here to nag and discipline me...because it shows that they care. I'm doing things out of my own accord. And i really don't think what I'm doing right now is furthering my career or furthering the Kingdom of God. I'm just stagnant.

But yeah, urm. For future reference, i apologize if i am aloof or standoff-ish. It's just a habit. snap your fingers at me, poke me, or scream at me to bring me back into reality. The Ecuadorians are great at doing that. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAENA~! 19 years old! Hope you have a great year and i pray that God just blesses you with his gracious gifts. =D