1 Corinthians 1:27
"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong."

God, I pray you break my heart. Mold me into the woman that i'm meant to be. I'm tired of aimlessly living a life without ALL of you. Let me be sensitive. Let me be caring. Let me love as you love, God. Often times, i see my heart becoming bitter or indifferent. I wish to be more like you. You know my thoughts from afar. You know my aspirations. You know who I will be in the next ten years. I pray that you just be with me. All I ask is that you be with me. I ask of nothing else, but your presence in my life. You reign in my soul.

greetings.

CHEST PAINS! THAT'S what they're called! YES!

Okay, yeah. My chest really hurts sometimes...especially after I eat. =/ so i'm in my current state of lethargy with chest pains.

An update on what I did this weekend? Sure, I have nothing better to do.

1. On Friday, I skipped my 8 oclock class because I felt as if i deserved a break for not having slept for a few days. But ironically enough, I woke up at 9 and couldn't go back to sleep. English class droned on for 50 minutes. It's always like that on Fridays because all of us are super restless by lunchtime. Ate lunch right after @ 1:00 with Zoe, Hanna, and Kristina...oh and as well as Andrew (he was soo big pimpin with 3 girls). I have picked up a new habit since I've begun my education @ Baylor. That is, playing with my food. I find so much delight in artistically arranging the remainders of my as well as others' waste. I know that people are starving in 3rd world countries with hunger to ail them. But that's redundant. How is my wasting my food going to feed the other world countries? I guess it's more of a psychological reasoning. STop messing with my mind!

So yeah, I play with my food. I like to make art out of it or just keep my hands occupied. Andrew is my new best friend. He encourages me by helping me add the ingredients to my work of art. hehe. Anyway, after my daily session of food playing, i decide to go to Draper and sit/relax on a swing. I spent some alone time contemplating about random thoughts that have been boggling my mind. I wrote pages upon pages in my journal, pouring into it every detail of what was going on in my mind. I miss those days where your mind and your heart agree to rest and relax. It was precious time to me. After my date with God, I started to walk in the direction of the library to have more alone time to read. To my left, I saw Zoe looking cool in front of Carroll Science Building and I head on over to chit chat. I kept her company until Robert arrived to escort her to the SLC. Then I was on my way to the Jones Library to attempt my reading.

I read for maybe a hour and then slept until it was dinner. =P My idea of efficient and productive use of time. Met up with Kristina, Phuong, Peter, and Peter's friend for dinner @ Memorial. Some good times talking to the girls. After dinner, AFC time: Worship was awesome. Operation Christmas Child. Wing Stop. Suspension bridge with Mario, Peter, and Kristina, Princess Bride @ Aaron's.

2. Saturday: I literally stayed in bed the entire day. It felt gooood. Then @ night went to eat hot dogs and movie with Peter, Daniel, and Steve. They are a strange bunch of boys. I saw a side of them that i've never seen before. I guess boys just act weird when they're together, especially if they grew up together. Movie was gooood. I had fun. Mystic River? Never heard of it? Yeah neither did i. But it was an edgy movie. Go see it when you get the chance. Then we head out. Along the way, we decide to go to Katie's Custard cause the rest of the gang was probably loitering there. It was good to see girls again. hehe.

THEN our destination geared towards Taco Trailer for some good grub, according to Steve. And it's true, he doesn't have bad taste. I think it was my first time eating brain. =P But yeah we loitered some more. And onto Jairo and Robert's place for an array of games or movies. TEXAS HOLDEM!! yay! I love that game. I must have my dose of it every week. urmm had some whoppers...yummy yum yum. I love those malt balls. They just melt in your mouth. sooo gooood. After playing for a while I got tired so I let Peter win -=P Just to make him look better.

Diane took me home cause Peter was still playing and it was late. I got home and went to sleep @ 3.

3. Went to Highland today, guys. I gotta tell ya. I never have felt so convicted in my life. Pastor Barry spoke about Evangelism like no other. It makes you just wanna step outside and speak to a random stranger about God and his grace and glory. That's how the Spirit moved me today. Please pray and go.

Apphia is super duper awesome. She takes me to church every week. I hope it's not a burden for her. Right when i get back to the dorm, I find my door unlocked. I thought Christina would have left for Church under the Bridge, but she hadn't! I was so excited! I eagerly asked her if I could go with her because apphia and I were talking about going! SO i went with her, Megan, and Rozmin to Church under the Bridge. New experiences just keep happening to me. Oh man, it definitely was out of my comfort zone. One was because we were outside for church. Two was because I was sitting next Rozmin. She's a Muslim and I couldn't help but wonder what was going on in her head as the preacher talked. I tried to remember what did I think of the words of Long when I was still a pagan. That's so mind boggling. Who knew, 5 years later, I'd be where I am. OH MY...

So that's my weekend in a flash. I'm about to leave for flag football when my brain feels like mush. Not so sure about playing but we'll see.

the end.

greetings.

I'm running out of gas. I pulled a sort of all nighter. I took a few naps here and there. But yes, indeedy i feel like i've been productive and very studious. Yes, yes. I believed I worked my butt off. Two tests back to back?! Curse of the Devil. Luxury of taking naps?! God Send.

Oh geez, i think there's something wrong with my body. I have this aching feeling in my heart, physically not "emotionally" =P (gee that was corny)

Anyway, yeah i ate lunch with Zoe, Peter, and Andrew today. I had a cup of ice tea, then i needed to eat because it felt like i haven't eaten in decades. So i get a salad. After a few bites, my aching got worse. =( So now, after this entry, i'm going to go pray and know that God is going to comfort me.

If i seem kind of offstandish today....wait, i'm offstandish everyday. So nevermind.

But seriously? I found out the worst news that I could have possibly imagined yesterday night. Forgive me if I don't seem friendly or loving. I just need to sort things out with God.

the end.

Oh man, oh man... I love eating @ Memorial. The food sucks. But the music is awesome! Tonight, they played 80s music! And you know how happy i get when 80s music is on?!?! Super Duper HAPPY! =)

The Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren

Day 28: It Takes Time

There are no shortcuts to maturity.

It takes years for us to grow to adulthood, and it takes a full season for fruit to mature and ripen. The same is true for the fruit of the Spirit. The development of Christlike character cannot be rushed. Spiritual growth, like physical growth, takes time.

When you try to ripen fruit quickly, it loses it flavor. In America, tomatoes are usually picked unripened so they won't bruise during shipping to the stores. Then, before they are sold, these green tomatoes are sprayed with CO₂ gas to turn them red instantly. Gassed tomatoes are edible, but they are no match to the flavor of a vine-ripened tomato that is allowed to mature slowly.

While we worry about how fast we grow, God is concerned about how strong we grow. God views our lives from and for eternity, so he is never in a hurry.

Lane Adams once compared the process of spiritual growth to the strategy the Allies used in WWII to liberate islands in the South Pacific. First they would "soften up" an island, weakening the resistance by shelling the enemy strongholds with bombs from offshore ships. Next, a small group of Marines would invade the island and establish a "beachhead" - a tiny fragment of the island that they could control. Once the beachhead was secured, they would begin the long process of liberating the rest of the island, one bit of territory at a time. Eventually the entire island would be brought under control, but not without some costly battles.

Adams drew this parallel: Before Christ invades our lives at conversion, he sometimes has to “soften us up” by allowing problems we can’t handle. While some open their lives to Christ the first time he knocks on the door, most of us are resistant and defensive. Our pre-conversion experience is Jesus saying, “Behold I stand at the door and bomb!”

The moment you open yourself to Christ, God gets a “beachhead” in your life. You may think you have surrendered all your life to him, but the truth is, there is a lot to your life that you aren’t even aware of. You can only give God as much of you as you understand at that moment. That’s okay. Once Christ is given a beachhead, he begins the campaign to take over more and more territory until all of your life is completely his. There will be struggles and battles, but the outcome will never be in doubt. God has promised that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.”

Discipleship is the process of conforming to Christ. The Bible says, “We arrive at real maturity – that measure of development which is meant by the ‘fullness of Christ.’” Christlikeness is your eventual destination, but your journey will last a lifetime.

So far we have seen that this journey involves believing (through worship), belonging (through fellowship), and becoming (through discipleship). Every day God wants you to become a little more like him: “You have begun to live the new life, in which you are being made new and are becoming like the One who made you.”

Today we’re obsessed with speed, but God is more interested in strength and stability than swiftness. We want the quick fix, the shortcut, the on-the-spot solution. We want a sermon, a seminar, or an experience that will instantly resolve all problems, remove all temptation, and release us from all growing pains. But real maturity is never the result of a single experience, no matter how powerful or moving. Growth is gradual. The Bible says, “Our lives gradually becoming brighter and more beautiful as God enters our lives and we become like him.”

Although God could instantly transform us, he has chosen to develop us slowly. Jesus is deliberate in developing his disciples. Just as God allowed the Israelites to take over the Promise Land “little by little” so they wouldn’t be overwhelmed, he prefers to work in incremental steps in our lives. Why does it take so long to change and grow up? There are several reasons

We are slow learners. We often have to relearn a lesson forty or fifty times to really get it. The problems keep recurring, and we think, “Not again! I’ve already learned that!”–but God knows better. The history of Israel illustrates how quickly we forget the lessons God teaches us and how soon we revert to our old patterns of behavior. We need repeated exposure.

We have a lot to unlearn. Many people go to a counselor with a personal or relational problem that took years to develop and say, “I need you to fix me. I’ve got an hour.” They natively expect a quick solution to a long-standing, deep-rooted difficulty. Since overnight, it’s unrealistic to expect them to go away immediately. There is no pill, prayer, or principle that will instantly undo the damage of many years. It requires the hard work of removal and replacement. The Bible calls it “taking off the old self” and “putting on the new self.” While you were given a brand new nature at the moment of conversion, you still have old habits, patterns, and practices that need to be removed and replaced.

We are afraid to humbly face the truth about ourselves. I have already pointed out that the truth will set us free but it often makes us miserable first. The fear of what we might discover if we honestly faced our character defects keeps us living in the prison of denial. Only as God is allowed to shine the light of his truth on our faults, failures, and hang-ups can we begin to work on them. This is why you cannot grow without a humble, teachable attitude.

Growth is often painful and scary. There is not growth without change; there is no change without fear or loss; and there is no loss without pain. Every change involves a loss of some kind: You must let go of old ways in order to experience the new. We fear these losses, even if our old ways are self-defeating, because, like a worn out pair of shoes, they were at least comfortable and familiar. People often build their identity around their defects. We say, “It’s just like me to be…” and “It’s just the way I am.” The unconscious worry is that if I let go of my habit, my hurt, or my hang-up, who will I be? This fear can definitely slow down your growth.

Habits take time to develop. Remember that your character is the sum total of your habits. You can’t claim to be kind unless you are habitually kind – you show kindness without even thinking about it. You can’t claim to have integrity unless it is your habit to always be honest. A husband who is faithful to his wife most of the time is not faithful at all! Your habits define your character.

There is only one way to develop the habits of Christlike character: You must practice them – and that takes time! There are no instant habits. Paul urged Timothy, “Practice these things. Devote your life to them so that everyone can see your progress.”

If you practice something over time, you get good at it. Repetition is the mother of character and skill. These character-building habits are often called “spiritual disciplines,” and there are dozens of great books that can teach you how to do these.

As you grow to spiritual maturity, there are several ways to cooperate with God in the process.

Believe God is working in your life even when you don’t feel it. Spiritual growth is sometimes tedious work, one small step at a time. Expect gradual improvement. The Bible says, “Everything on earth has its own time and its own season.” There are seasons in your spiritual life, too. Sometimes you will have a short, intense burst of growth (springtime) followed by a period of stabilizing and resting (fall and winter).

What about those problems, habits, and hurts you would like to miraculously removed? It’s fine to pray for a miracle, but don’t be disappointed if the answer comes through a gradual change. Over time, a slow, steady stream of water will erode the hardest rock and turn giant boulders into pebbles. Over time, a little sprout can turn into a giant redwood tree towering 350 feet tall.

Keep a notebook or journal of lessons learned. This not a diary of events, but a record of what you are learning. Write down the insights and life lessons God teaches you about him, about yourself, about life, relationships, and everything else. Record these so you can review and remember them and pass them on to the next generation. The reason we must relearn lessons is that we forget them. Reviewing your spiritual journal regularly can spare you a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache.The Bible says, “It’s crucial that we keep a firm grip on what we’ve heard so that we don’t drift off.”

Be patient with God and with yourself. One of life’s frustrations is that God’s timetable is rarely the same as ours. We are often in a hurry when God isn’t. You may feel frustrated with the seemingly slow progress you’re making in life. Remember that God is never in a hurry, but he is always on time. He will use your entire lifetime to prepare you for your role in eternity.

The Bible is filled with examples of how God uses a long process to develop character, especially in leaders. He took eighty years to prepare Moses, including forty in the wilderness. For 14,600 days Moses kept waiting and wondering, “Is it time yet?” But God kept saying, “Not yet.”

Contrary to popular book titles, there are no Easy Steps to Maturity or Secrets of Instant Sainthood. When God wants to make a mushroom, he does it overnight, but when he wants to make a giant oak, he takes a hundred years. Great souls are grown through struggles and storms and seasons of suffering. Be patient with the process. James advised, “Don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well developed.

Don’t get discouraged. When Habakkuk became depressed because he didn’t think God was acting quickly enough, God had this to say: “These things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, do not despair, for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not overdue a single day!” A delay is not a denial from God.

Remember how far you’ve come, not just how far you have to go. You are not where you want to be, but neither are you where you used to be. Years ago people wore a popular button with the letters PBPGINFWMY. It stood for “Please Be Patient, God Is Not Finished With Me Yet.” God isn’t finished with you, either, so keep on moving forward. Even the snail reached the ark by persevering!

Tonight, I played counter-strike for the first time in history. I tried playing it once on Mike's computer, but yeah, i got bored so that doesn't count.

I was hanging out at Peter's place and watching them play VC? Big 2? whatever they were doing...i wasn't really paying attention (sorry guys). I was just off in my own little world of daydreaming. Then Daniel goes and says, "you look bored." I guess when i'm daydreaming, i look bored? hehe. So he offered to teach me how to play counter-strike. I was thinking, "uhh no thank you...i don't want to learn how to curse again" but somehow my body pulled my legs into gear and i started walking towards the computer.

He started rambling on on what keys i was to press. They were pretty easy. He's a good teacher. He just talked way too fast for me to keep up. so yeah, after playing 20 minutes, i noticed my potty mouth starting to stir. I was so close to saying those awful words. I mean it is so frustrating because you find yourself lying on the floor because you didn't know which key was the reload button. Or you forgot which keys were left and right to keep from getting shot. I find myself going back for more cause i wanted to kill, KILL, KILL!!! What kind of person have i become, i asked myself. It was quite odd. Yeah i should stay away from that game as much as i can.

After counter-strike, came cards, Mario tennis, matrix, and a short, and i mean short game of chess, one that i didn't even finish. I end up staying until 4.

Before Peter's place, we were at the library doing our usual lack of studying, or at least my usual lack of studying. My stupid floppy disk is seriously from the devil. He has put some curse on all my floppy disks for that matter. I couldn't get it to work so i'm going to have to do some office space action up on my floppy disks. cause they suck!

But anyway, after staying at the library for perhaps 3 hours? (let's start from who i think is the oldest) Ron, Mario, Michael P., Peter, and myself go to Starplex to watch Matrix Revolution. I soo enjoyed this better than the second. Maybe it was because it felt shorter because it was the last one. Or perhaps the action sequences were cool. Or even that there wasn't a sex scene. I find myself with satisfaction of finally finishing the trilogy. Not a good trilogy, but a decent one.

Okay i know i'm not in sequence of order for the events that took place, but it is alright because I am up at the butt crack of dawn doing this so it is okay if my brain is not functioning.

But this morning...or saturday morning (not to confuse you) i went to the parade, the Homecoming Parade. It was fun. I liked it. My favorite part was the cheerleaders. I wanted to be a cheerleader. I wanted to be perky and fun and get people riled up. But nah, i found that nobody liked the cheerleaders and i didn't want to be disliked, no no.

After parade, we head on over to Big Daddy's for some goood eatin'. YUm yuM yummers. I enjoyed that burger like no other. and then i went back to the dorms and slept cause i was dead turd.

what else? oh and hyunji, like the doll she is, went to the library just so she could give me the lock to lock the bike that she gave me. Can you say, gracious? Oh my. I can't believe it.

okay, the end.

it frustrates me everytime i see a bird

Greetings fellow man,

I'm in desperate need to fit in. I never really belong into a certain group. I didn't really associate myself with a particular stereotype in High School, but I also didn't really have any close friends. I'm afraid that i've fallen back into my normal attitude of making friends and developing relationships in Waco. I'm indifferent.

Last week, my devotional honed into the meat of relationships, with family and friends. I tried to make myself available and vulnerable to everyone, but I felt shot down. Maybe it's the devil's scheme, or maybe it's my own ignorance. I have no idea. Or perhaps, I like the idea of self-pity. I've grown accustomed to it. I've grown to understand myself through it. I'm not one to be necessarily easy going or even approachable. I wonder what it means exactly, to have self-pity.

I'm sorry.

My mom gave me great advice the other day. She told me to go somewhere where I can hear only my thoughts and my heart. To go somewhere with no distractions and just sit and talk to myself. I need a period of time where I can just be real with myself. I despise my flaky nature and am afraid that i've been so busy with school and events that i've forgotten God in my midst. Yes, I have devoted myself to this one devotional book, but it doesn't mean that God is truly glorified by simply reading words off a page. When was the last time i sat alone with God, his word, and my heart? ...not since forever

I want to be intimate with God. Yesterday, I felt God was trying to reach out to me somehow. Everywhere I went, i felt a tug in my heart, a soft whisper of my name. I have forgotten who loves me the most. I've created gods among my family, my friends, my work, and my stuff. It sucks. Why is it so hard to go back to the throne room of God? Maybe, i need to forgive someone. Maybe, i need to ask for forgiveness from someone. Or perhaps, I need to forgive myself. Myself? doesn't that sound selfish?!? Apparently, if I can't forgive myself, how can i forgive others?

I'll get back to you when i'm okay.