Greetings fellow man,

I'm in desperate need to fit in. I never really belong into a certain group. I didn't really associate myself with a particular stereotype in High School, but I also didn't really have any close friends. I'm afraid that i've fallen back into my normal attitude of making friends and developing relationships in Waco. I'm indifferent.

Last week, my devotional honed into the meat of relationships, with family and friends. I tried to make myself available and vulnerable to everyone, but I felt shot down. Maybe it's the devil's scheme, or maybe it's my own ignorance. I have no idea. Or perhaps, I like the idea of self-pity. I've grown accustomed to it. I've grown to understand myself through it. I'm not one to be necessarily easy going or even approachable. I wonder what it means exactly, to have self-pity.

I'm sorry.

My mom gave me great advice the other day. She told me to go somewhere where I can hear only my thoughts and my heart. To go somewhere with no distractions and just sit and talk to myself. I need a period of time where I can just be real with myself. I despise my flaky nature and am afraid that i've been so busy with school and events that i've forgotten God in my midst. Yes, I have devoted myself to this one devotional book, but it doesn't mean that God is truly glorified by simply reading words off a page. When was the last time i sat alone with God, his word, and my heart? ...not since forever

I want to be intimate with God. Yesterday, I felt God was trying to reach out to me somehow. Everywhere I went, i felt a tug in my heart, a soft whisper of my name. I have forgotten who loves me the most. I've created gods among my family, my friends, my work, and my stuff. It sucks. Why is it so hard to go back to the throne room of God? Maybe, i need to forgive someone. Maybe, i need to ask for forgiveness from someone. Or perhaps, I need to forgive myself. Myself? doesn't that sound selfish?!? Apparently, if I can't forgive myself, how can i forgive others?

I'll get back to you when i'm okay.