insecurity.

I've been thinking about it lately about women's insecurities. It is the most common weakness that i've found in myself and in other women. I've noticed that the commonality between women is our insecurity, our inability to be content with ourselves. We're always thinking we should be at a level above where we are.

Inferiority complex.
n. A persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to self-diminishment, sometimes resulting in excessive aggressiveness through overcompensation.

Can we ever get rid of this idea that we're nothing, but rather something. Something beautiful. Something useful. Something FABULOUS.

Proverbs 31:10-31
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I want to be a wife of noble character. That means I need to start acting like her now.

should i tell?

i had a very awkward dream with two awkward people in it. I converse in an awkward conversation with one awkward person while the other awkward person sat listening to our awkward conversation.

i'll never tell.

Aside from my idiosyncracies...I've learned a few things about myself lately.

i like to do things on my own time. i cannot be rushed. if i am rushed, i get frustrated easily.

i dislike being restricted. i don't like boundaries. i don't like tight clothing, nor do i like being told that i can't do something.

i'm a pessimist to some and then an optimist to others. for those that i can be real with, i'm often a pessimist. for those that i think i have to maintain a reputation with, i'm often an optimist [how sad, wish i could be an optimist all the time]

potter's hand

I've probably made mistakes that I've forgotten
It's all ambiguous now
I'd be willing to take the shape of what you wanted
I could just figure it out

I'm breaking my own rules
Becoming somone else
Well everybody says I oughtta get over myself
I'm thinking I can't move
If there isn't somewhere else
...To go

Things are changing. yeah, i agree. The air is different. No argument there. Time to move on? yes.

i've been feeling many mixed feelings lately. I've been feeling anxious. I've been feeling lethargic. I've been experiencing a little bit of eustress and then some distress. I don't know whether to acknowledge my accomplishments or become more lowly and humble. Maybe studying Philippians is God's way of telling me to serve Him, joyously. Because my successes and my failures are all part of God's plan of molding and shaping. I remember in 7th grade, i was in art. And the best part of going to class was knowing that I would be working on my creation for that day. Whether it was taking a photograph of something seemingly beautiful or eye-catching, or it was adapting a story behind a clay pot, or it was drawing self-portrait with many imperfections, i knew it was my own. Something that i can take home and tell my parents, "hey mom! i made this from scratch!"

And she would nod and say "that's nice." I would be somewhat disappointed in her response.

But deep inside, I felt a tremendous amount of accomplishment. I felt the sensation of knowing that i created something beautiful and unique. It was quite exhilarating.

In the end, that's how God sees us. The process took a long time, with its share of mistakes and failures. However, ultimately, the maker will see her creation as something beautiful and complete and something to be taken ahold of.

starvation.

All i've eaten today are crackers.