saavy?

Saavy will be my new word. Jack Sparrow has inspired me to further my vocabulary into piracy. Saavy?

I love that movie! Have I already said so? Yeah i love it. I will say it again. I love the movie. i'm going to buy it when it comes out and watch it over and over and over again.

I went to the bookstore today. Woohoo! I promised michael I would take him and take him, i did. It only took me a week to fulfill my promise, but michael is a flexible guy. =) But anyway, I checked out some of the magazines. I like Tobey Maguire. He's a good actor. I read about him in Biography and...Elle? well yeah i did. He has the new movie, Seabiscuit (which i saw, I must recommend). He's got a history of baggage on him. It's hard to imagine that actors have to go through life and its trials as well. I guess media portray actors as some sort of idols, that its hard to recognize them as human beings. But anyway, i think he may be on my favorites list, along with Tom Hanks and Hugh Grant.

I also ran into a magazine spotlighting Evanescence. At first, I was kind of "eh" about them because of their mainstream exposure and plus, stupid KRBE keeps playing "Bring me to Life" as if they have no other song to play. Apparently, the band has issues with the Christian Rock Community. They can't decide if Evanescence should be consider Christian, though Amy Lee (the female vocalist of the band) promotes God as "love". Factors are that the group has been known to plug in a few curse words into their language....so Christian stores decides to take the band off their shelves.

I think it sucks. The same thing happened to Lifehouse. They didn't want to be categorized as anything. But their beliefs are their own personal lives. The music is just a gateway for art. It seems ridiculous how the topic of music can be distorted in line with God. Just make sure it doesn't cause you to stumble, is my philosophy.

yay for community pools. boo for children playing in community pools. Don't get me wrong, I love kids. I just don't like it when I'm trying to swim the one lane that is for swimmers and i lose my rhythm when little kids play marco polo. I had a good swim, i think. My arms are a bit sore. I guess it's cause it's been like a month and a half since I've swam laps. Okay.

Time for bed. good night, world.

I realized why i didn't have any friends. No one wants to be friends with a fat girl.

I've just experience a new feeling of guilt. For some reason, I feel disgusted with myself when I eat. Afterwards, I feel as if I've hurt my body by eating (period). It's such a weird after effect, you know? Eating is something to be grateful for. It provides energy, health, and is just good for the body. God even promotes eating. The disciples went around villages eating in other people's home. Jesus fed 5000 with a loaf of bread and some fish. Some of the epistles gave instruction on the matter of food. I dunno. Maybe I'm having issues with....(blank)

Another source of guilt is the use of money. I'll admit it, I'm kinda cheap when it comes to buying stuff. I think it happened when I went to China last summer. I just started thinking about saving money in order to go on the trip and the bargain shopping that went on while in China and how everything just seems so expensive, here in the US. I can be quite stingy.

I'm afraid that when I go to college, I would be afraid of eating and spending money. Which may cause detrimental effects to my body. I want to be a good steward of my money and my body. Because everything that's given to me is not really mine. It should be for God. I just hope I don't get myself into trouble.

i miss Wynette and Elaine...

=(

rawrr...

MUST BUY ON DECEMBER 2, 2003!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For some odd reason...I'm feeling tremendously vulnerable right now. Perhaps, I'm sick and need to lie down. Or that a huge current of emotion has been eagerly stretched forth within my body. I don't know. I'm just certain that I wish I had someone to share my most fondest memories. Those memories that last forever. They may not be the most pleasant, perhaps even, an excruciating event of trauma and indignity. I just wish I had someone to share with. I've been praying for one since I understood the meaning of acceptance and honesty. It hurts to know that I may be alone for a loong haul.

It doesn't even have to be a guy! I want that feeling of communion again, you know? I got an email from a guy I used to have a crush on. And it tore my heart to pieces, knowing that I may never see him, ever again. I may even be bold to say that I loved him for caring for me as a friend. It hurts. And as for girlfriends, I can't latch onto them even though I try so hard. Sometimes? It is hard for me to just push away my feelings and focus on their problems. I can be quite selfish at times. Is that normal? I'm being so general in my words to you. But I can't really explain it. It's just difficult to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I wish that I could just write words that is at least somewhat coherent. But it ends up being a jumble of mess...stream of consciousness...that's what this is...i suppose.

Perhaps, all this ambiguity is due to the fact that I want to be Snow White, or Sleepy Beauty, or Cinderella, or any princess who had their feet swept away by some prince charming. I live inside this bubble of imagination. I breathe the idea of some kind of divine and magical wonder that I wish would happen to my life. I'm not talking, necessarily about the guy of my dreams (which is a plus), but for everything to just seem right, AT LEAST, some evidence of justification of why I exist. uggh...so i'm left drowning in my tears one more time.

"Dream, love is only in a dream, remember -
Remember life is never as it seems. Dream"

Yes, yes, yes, YES! I am a girl. I watch silly chick flicks as do many other girly girls. I find myself crying at another one. I don't get it. Why do I cry at these mere humans portraying some made-up character?! It's ridiculous! It's ludicrous! But... It's me. The lyrics above are of Harry Nilsson to the song, "Remember", which is included to the soundtrack of "You've Got Mail". For some odd reason, yet agaaain...I find myself crying, with tears, moans, the whole shabang...not knowing why...*sigh*

please help this deranged girl into finding earth once again.

oh, i miss swimming. I haven't swam in like a month or so. The excessive chlorine in the pools is not good for the skin so I stopped going to the gym to swim. You know how people run to get their minds off of things? I swim to get my mind off of things. It helps me relax, big time. I really do need it now.

This weekend has been a whirlwind. I just wanna stay home and sit and relax. And just keep everyone happy. It seems to me that whenever I go out, I want to go home to be there for mike, my dad, or my mom. And when i'm home, I wanna hang with my friends, my peeps, my homies. =) It's just a lose-lose situation, this life of mine.

i wanna do something drastic. Like a piercing of some sort. Perhaps like on my eyebrow or my cartilage. That would be so sweet. OOOh or maybe a tatoo. That would be nice. I want to have stefenee's tattoo. A pink star right on my wrist. Or maybe a dolphin like Charissa on my neck. I dunno. I'm stealing other people's tattoo. Let me think about it some more.

oyee, pain, this pain...it seems so familiar. arrgg. must sit down and blog.

when am I going to find the man of my dreams?! When am I going to find a guy willing to chase me down on his motorcycle?! suxors. Relationships. BAH!

The new Shane and Shane album "Carry Away" ROCKS my world! Go get it!

rekindle my spirit
harness my soul
stretch my being
brighten my eyes
shape my mind
and most importantly, mend my heart.

Again, I woke up with the same song. I don't know why I'm excited. I just seem to wake up on such a good mood. Anyway, I looked back on the posts that I've had within the last two months or so. I haven't really been saying much about how I've been. I suppose it's the idea of I don't want to be personalized to strangers, or even friends, that much anymore. Or perhaps it's the idea that my life has been pretty incomplete without God. Yeah, I talked to my good friend, Larissa about my backsliding and how I don't want to unconsciously or unknowingly put pride before my spiritual growth. I'm beginning to think this last year has. She told me that, yeah, church is a priority. But God does not succumb under the propriety of church. He continues to be the foundation of grace and love and power and authority. She herself does not approve of the church and its ways but she loves God to her fullest. through just talking to her, I find myself missing the things of God. Those nightly prayers, those worship hours with just Him and I, those talks of love and intimacy with brothers and sisters. I do miss it. I'm inadvertently shrugging off God while thinking that I'm doing the right thing of leaving the church. I didn't leave for anyone else. I thought I left for the lack of spiritual growth. But in all honesty, I think I left for selfish reasons, not because of God, which at the time, I thought I WAS doing it for God. But i confess, I cannot live without God. I also scanned through wynette's archives of her blog. I had wanted to find some kind of hint of information so i could buy a present for her. I found myself reading about her first encounter with my old church. I remember that first time we met. It was right after the weekend of a great retreat so I was feeling very friendly and loved and all giddy about God. I talked to her voluntarily. At first, I thought she was scared of me because of my forwardness. But I didn't really think about it too much. Anyway, she displayed a great deal of transparency on her blog. I admire that in people. Whether it be through conversations or journals, I adore people who are real with others. That takes guts. She reminded me of the realness of God and how he does work in miraculous ways. I also got reminded I'm suppose to live 100% to God. Not just a bit by bit kind of thing. But rather a full comprehension of His majesty. I've been pretty blinded. So help me see.

i woke up singing this song:

Tonight's the night we're gonna make it happen
Tonight we'll put all other things aside
Get in this time and show me some affection
We're goin' for those pleasures in the night

I want to love you, feel you, wrap myself around you
I want to squeeze you, please you, I just can't get enough
And if you move real slow I let it go

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
And I know I know I know I know I know I want you

We shouldn't even think about tomorrow
Sweet memories will last for long long time
We'll have a good time, Baby, don't do worry
And if we're still playin' around boy that's just fine

Let's get excited, we just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I know I know I know I know I know I want you, I want you

I want to love you, feel you, wrap myself around you
I want to squeeze you, please you, I just can't get enough
And if you move real slow I let it go

I'm so excited, I just can't hide it
I'm about to lose control and I think I like it
I'm so excited and I just can't hide it
I know I know I know I know I know I want you

hahahahahahha, I'm very amused.

So it's late, I'm not tired. No sir-e-bob. I was watching Sleepless in Seattle on TCM (Turner Classic Movies). Love it. It features movies, UN-FREAKING-CUT! it's incredible. It's my new favorite channel. Anyway, I have this obsession with the movie now. Seriously. No matter how many times i've seen it, I must see it every time it is on tv. No kidding. No, i kid you not. It's like Mel Gibson's character on Conspiracy Theory. He must buy the novel, Catcher in the Rye by JD Salinger every time he is in the bookstore (which, by the way, is a pretty funktastic book). Seriously, i am completely honest and sincere. I cry and laugh each time i see it. It hardly makes sense to me. You'd think that after i've seen it for so mannny times, I would get sick of it. I'm not. No, no. I just keep watching it as if I'm mesmerized. Oh man, oh man. I stopped watching cause my daddy told me to go away. hehe. Anyway, I'll make it up to my heart. I'm sure I'll see it again in the near future.

Oh and yes, I watched Pirates of the Caribbean. ANother funkTASTIC movie. I loved every minute of it. It kept my heart pumping and my eyes open for johnny depp or orlando bloom. Johnny Depp sure caught my attention. He was the one who tied the whole movie together. It was very entertaining. Orlando Bloom, the sweet naive, yet courageous little pirate. He is pretty cute, i have to admit. My gosh, who knew swashbuckling pirates can be so gorgeous. HOTT. The effects are fabulous. I felt as if I was really part of the entire realm of piracy. It takes a whole lot of imagination and creativity and skill to do that. Jerry Bruckheimer and Gore Verbinski, kudos...kudos. I'd watch it a second time, Yes ma'am I would.

So i've started wearing jewelry again. I find something so feminine in adorning our necks, wrists, fingers...wherever with...stuff. I use to wear bracelets a lot. But they got dirty or i broke 'em. I use to wear necklaces a lot. But the necklace itself got damaged in one way or another. So I stood a long time not wearing anything around my neck or on my hand. But I'll be more lady-like now so I don't like break it while playing volleyball or something (which, I admit, i did --which is a stupidly stupid thing to do). so yep. Nothing too exciting going on.

aww man...

I hate memories. The thought of memories, both good and bad, makes me so nostalgic and blah that i wish i could turn back the hands of time to either relive the good or redo the bad. There's so many things i would change. I wonder if i change those certain circumstances in the past, will my being be in a better state? Ahh what's past is past, right? Right!

Anyway, do you remember that one guy, that one guy that made you giddy inside with glee that for him to just look at you and say, "hi, there" would make your day? I sure do. I still remember thinking that i was actually in love with him. I would save our conversations on aim. I would keep anything and everything that even remotely reminded me of him. I think he's the ONLY guy that i've actually flirted with. haha. what a joke. me? Flirt? anyway. Yeah, he made me want to flirt with him just so i can get attention from him. Sometimes, he would flirt with me and for a short period of time, i had actually thought he liked me. I was listening to some old school songs about love and that warm fuzzy feeling inside and somehow i remembered this guy. He serenaded to me once. Well, him and another guy serenaded to this girl and myself.

We were having time to work on our projects for english class. As Lisa and I were talking, i heard a faint voice singing in the background. And slowly the voice became more confident and louder. He passed my right side and i looked directly at him. He made exaggerated facial expressions added with hand motions of "i love you" (pointing at his eye, covering his heart, and then pointing at me) while singing a bit out of tune. I didn't care. I giggled while watching him and his buddy make a show. But deep down, I was like, "O My God, could this BE any more divine". Him serenading to me is something that i wont forget. Guys, if you want to sweep a girl off her feet, serenade to her as corny as it may sound. Once a guy is able to be foolish for a girl than the relationship becomes special.

I remember crying over him once.

He lived here for only a semester! Now that i think of it. I remembering seeing him for the first time. It was the first day back from Christmas break my 8th grade year. ANd he moved back to California right when school was out and summer began. However, the second semester of my freshmen year, I had heard that he was coming back for spring break. I had wanted so bad to call him up and ask him if he wanted to hang out because I missed him. But i didn't have enough guts to do it. I cried myself to sleep that night.

Maybe it was a mistake of mine to just let him slip through my hands. Maybe i should have called. But i didn't and i can't change it. Oh but i wish i did. Still to this day, i think about him every so often...when I hear a Boyz II Men song or when I'm eating tofu...hehe

Eric Bana! Man, i did not know he was the guy in Black Hawk Down. I remember wanting to know who he was. Now I know! He's also the guy who voices Anchor, the hammerhead of Finding Nemo! hehe. I have a thing for Australian guys. Anyway, unto the review that has nothing to....uh wait! yes, it does have to do with my movie review. In the Hulk, Eric Bana's Character, Bruce Banner has to go head to head with Glenn Talbot, played by Joshua Lucas. Joshua Lucas is widely known as the redneck in Sweet Home Alabama. So that's it. There's the connection. On to the review!

Sweet Home Alabama - directed by Andy Tennant (who also directed Ever After --ANother one of my favorites)
Another romantic comedy. yes, I wanted to rent Snatch. But it's rated R. I've seen rated R movies. But somehow, I had a bad feeling. Because I once made a promise to myself to not watch rated R movies for specific reasons so... Yeah, maybe when it comes out on television with all the content edited. hah. But i digress. So it's a hick story about a woman who finds herself torn between two men. Boy, what a tough choice. Two fine looking men, chasing after the same woman. One of which is already married to her. I liked the idea of her having to pick between the two guys. It shows the two different worlds she has come to understand. The place where she grew up knowing so well. And the place where all her dreams came true. *shrugs* Very good movie.

At first, I didn't want to watch it for moralistic reasons. Like how she left her husband in Alabama and deceiving everyone she knew. But her excuse was the fact that Alabama had brought a lot of bad memories and she wanted to escape the reality of her roots. I can understand that. So yeah, I didn't have any expectations and ended up liking it. So yeah, It's worth it.

Hey! Movie Review by Grace!

The Hulk - directed by Ang Lee (who directed Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon --but you probably already know that)
Two things...er Three things I noticed about this movie. One, It was tremendously looonng. I understand that a good movie needs substance and background information to pull the plot together. But it was ridiculously long for a comic movie. I liked the scientific part of it. It didn't make much sense. But i liked it nonetheless. It made it more intriguing. Like somehow, it was possible for mankind to do that. With a mad scientist father who's wife conceived a monster after he experimented on HIMSELF. I dunno. Maybe it's possible, but probably not. Maybe, in Grace World. But anyway, Second, I noticed there's some emotional baggage throughout the whole movie. This guy seems to get so worked up because his father did something to him. But I also liked the fact that whenever he was with Betty (Jennifer Connelly) he became all sweet and gentle. awwwwwww. =) Yeah, there's some depth in this movie that I didn't really expect. Third, THE EFFECTS. I was like HOW DID THEY DO THAT?!? THAT IS AMAZING!! I loved the action sequences. He was mad and going at it! Those were my favorite parts. argg...it was just too damn long. I hated that. Cut it shorter. A long movie doesnt' make a good movie. Overall, I would see it, but i would have rather rented it. Or watched it at the dollar theatre.

Alex & Emma - directed by Rob Reiner (who also directed When Harry met Sally --which is one of my favorites)
Okay. So this movie was cute. I guess I kept comparing it to "When Harry met Sally" a little too much. Kate Hudson is sooo cute. I kept trying to see her facial expressions and compare 'em to Goldie Hawn. She is so adorable and pretty good at being adorable without being too dorky at it. Luke Wilson is "dreamy". ahh. He's got a nice bod, with nice eyes, and a nose that looks a lot better than his brother, Owen's. =) isn't he in like 3 movies that are coming out soon...er around the same time. let's see this, Charlie's Angels, and Legally Blond. Yeah, the romantic comedy genre hasn't had a lasting effect. They just don't make them like they use to. I can't help it, but I don't think Luke Wilson is that great of an actor. He is "dreamy", ahh. But not a good actor. Like I couldn't believe that he liked Emma. ANd that's what actors are suppose to do, fake sincerity so that it becomes a reality to the audience for the length of the movie. The plot was kinda off. But nonetheless, cute. It kinda reminded me of Simply Irresistible. That movie stunk, but it was cute. Cooking food to seduce a man. Very original. But anyway, i wouldn't go see it in the theater. maybe when it comes on cable tv. Then I'll watch it.

Okie dokily. Now for music. Ahh. Music. yay! my favorite subject. This past week, Vh1 hosted the 100 greatest songs in the last 25 years. Here's a list of some of my favorites:

Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
When Doves Cry - Prince
You Oughta Know - Alanis Morissette
Waterfalls - TLC*
Don't Speak - No Doubt*
Time After Time - Cyndi Lauper
Under the Bridge - The Red Hot Chili Peppers*
Heart of Glass - Blondie
Tears in Heaven - Eric Clapton*
Loser - Beck
My Sharona - The Knack*
I wanna be sedated - Ramones
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Greenday*
Hungry like the Wolf - Duran Duran
Losing my Religion - REM

* - extra special to Grace's heart =)

Here I am, sitting in front of the screen. Listening to the lovely words sung by Josh Groban. I begin to think about leaving the house soon. My dad calls out, "Mei, mei!" I reply with a instant yelp, "WHAT?!" He's home from his whereabouts. I rush downstairs to greet him. He spreads his arms and welcomes me for a hug. "I can't believe you're going to college. Seems only yesterday that I was holding you in my arms as a baby. Now you're going off to college." He has the tendency to talk to me about profound ideas with intrigue and interest. He would always go, Grace, I'm telling you this for your own good. So that your mind develops faster and you are smart to do what's right. He is a very intelligent man with a deep love for family. After the hug, he cracks a joke about Michael and goes about his business. I run back upstairs to attend to my computer game.

I start to think about this last year. So much has happened. I went to a mission trip. I left the church. I went on to my senior year of school. I made new friends. I understood who I was for the first time in my life. I applied to college. I got into Baylor. I graduate. Now it's the summer. The only thing I can now think about is the fact that I've been through hell and back with my dad. This last year, I've loved him. For the first time, I love my dad. I use to wish he would die of cancer. I use to wish that he and my mom would get a divorce so that I could live without emotional baggage. But that is ridiculous. I love him. I love my dad. It has just occured to me. He's leaving for China on Tuesday, for business. Delicate drops of tears trickle from my eyes and down my face. You know how you imagine what it would be like to live without your parents? I seriously cannot imagine living without my father now. Forgive me for ever saying false things about my father. He's not to blame. He never was the one. I was. In my own stupidity and ignorance, I reproved my father for my own selfish reasons. Not to say he didn't hurt me at the time. But I shouldn't hate him for enforcing discipline on me. I finally understand with love comes discipline.

"And in your hands, the pain and hurt...
look less like scars,
and more like character."

"Like a stone" Audioslave
"What it is to burn" Finch
"Swing, Swing" The All-American Rejects
"Somewhere I belong" Linkin Park
"Rest in pieces" Saliva
"Remember me" Hoobastank
"All my life" Foo Fighters
"Times like these" Foo Fighters

Yes, yes. Another movie review. A short one, I hope. I just finishing watching two movies with the family, Road to Perdition and Maid in Manhattan.

I wanted to watch something with some sort of depth. I haven't thought for a while, haven't been usin' the noggin' to its great use. Road to Perdition is not a bad choice. The Usual Suspects, now, that's a movie you gotta think about. Road to Perdition is based upon a Irish Mafia and how one event turns the life of one mobster, the enforcer. It was written during the depression as a "graphic novel" or basically, a comic book. Yeah, I didn't know it was a comic book and so was Men in Black as well as From Hell and Ghost World. Who knew?

Anyway, Tom Hanks is truly good at his craft. Whether being mentally handicapped or delightfully charming or ruggedly demanding, he always makes you believe that he was somehow made for that one movie character. He did a great work at being a tragic hero. Jude Law. I was telling Michael that he's a hottie. "Jude Law is a hottie", I told him. As the movie started, he kept asking who was Jude Law as to confirm my taste in men. When he finally shows up as the psychotic photographer of dead bodies with his head balding, he's like, "so that's your hottie. Man, grace, you don't have much of a taste, do you?"

*sigh*

Jude Law is typically known for his roles as a charming chap, getting the women. Not for this movie. He's the creepy, eerie killer. I was totally freaked. I mean literally freaked whenever he was on scene. He was so scary. He did a good job at being the villian, definitely. *shudder*

I don't have much to say about the other actors. I just liked the entire movie. The music was fantastic. You know how they play music to heighten the scene just a little bit more. Yeah, they did a lot of that in this movie. It fit very well in the context of the movie, dark and grim. I just liked it. My friend, Matthew had told me about it a year ago today. He said it was an awesome movie. I just never took his word for it until now. The movie was great. I feel satisfied. Go see it today!

Maid in Manhattan. Well, it's aokay. ANother popcorn movie. Nice and sweet, with a happy ending. J-Lo, i think, is best at being a dancer. She's an okay actress and uhh slightly lacking singer, but she sho can move her booty. I don't think it's really worth the 5 bucks to rent it. Maybe when it's on tv.

Boy oh boy, Father's Day. My daddy opened his gift already because I was so eager to see what it was. hehe. It's a DVD and VHS player! He kids around with us sooo much that I don't know if he really appreciates it. But i think he does. =)

"The Scientist" by Coldplay...yes, shannon, I've heard it. I absolute adore it. It's a beautifully written song. Dang, makes you wanna go date a rocker.

I also saw Evanescence's "Bring me to life" video for the first time. I have to say that I enjoyed it even though it wasn't the most pleasant video. It had a great concept. I don't know how to explain so I won't butcher it. I just wanted to take note of it. I never knew 12 stones was the guy singing. I thought he was part of Evanescence. But anyway, 12 stones is a Christian rock band. See what music videos do? they help give clarity.

Oh and finally, to top it off, The reason I'm up so late is because I was finishing watching a movie. Thank God for women's entertainment channel. They sure know how to get a girl sucked into television. The movie is a classic. "Butterflies are free" starring Goldie Hawn and Edward Albert. MY GOD, I love this movie. I believe any movie that can make me cry deserves to be on my list of favs. It's about a blind man learning to live on is own for the first time and how he encounters a free-spirited woman next door. Though the movie is majorly unrealistic and popcornyish, I like it. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I'm a big sap for romantic stuff. Dang it.

blogger basic...hmm...interesting.

Anyway, so yeah, I'm super excited! I found out which dorm i'm living in! As well as who will be my roommate! AHHH! how exciting. North Russell, i think, was my second choice. But it don't really matter where I live. I'm pretty flexible with how i live and i compromise when need be. Only one condition, that she doesn't smell.

Okie dokily, one year ago...yesterday, I went to Garden Valley for Global Expeditions to endeavor into the heart of China, Hong Kong. I did have a wonderful time. I met new people. Experienced God in a new light. And instilled something powerful that will never be taken away from me. Welp, some of the kids that went to China last year, is going to Thailand this year with the same ministry. Man, I am so excited for them. Thailand. For two WHOLE months! That's really exciting. Now that I think about it, the entire process of mission trips is just wild. I love it. They're doing church planting which consists of building relationships and spiritual discipleship. It certainly is amazing.

ooh, on another note, my friend is going to japan for a month or two? Yeah, that's super duper. I love that these caucasians are just going out there for God and to throw a mass load of love on the natives. Anyway, I'm so jealous of him. He gets to live with a missionary familly and just minister with them. AND get this, he gets to go climb Mount Fuji!! Danng. I so want to be him.

AND, my friend, Alicia, is going to Papua New Guinea with Wycliffe ministries. I met her through school and i've only known her for a year or so. She's so great. She is the one who started the fellowship at Clements. And she intends on being a long term missionary. Oh man oh man, I am absolutely amazed and so happy for her. Though, I know I won't ever see her again, I'll pray for her always.

These kids, teenagers, are going out there and risking pride and self gratification to glorify God. I admire them so much. And love them always.

"I guess I'm looking for something supernatural."

Everyone wants to be believe in something their own. Something that has divine wisdom and power. Something higher than themselves. Once it becomes sooooo mundane or common or ordinary or routine, it becomes boring. I don't want what I believe in to become boring and listless. I want to be selfish about God. I do want God to have a special place in my heart, where each day i look into my heart searching for that one place. I guess, in the past, I overreacted to stir supernatural response. Some kind of drama. Some kind of emotion. SOme kind of sign that life exists within my friends. Life without boundaries. Life with prosperity and joy and spirit. I want people to be real with me. I want people to love rather than socialize. I want people to react. I want people to show they're alive! I want something supernatural, something divine.

I'm in a world of my own.

potato pancakes recipe:
4 potatoes, 1 onion, 2 egg whites, salt, pepper, chives. Mush 'em together and deep fry. Simple enough.

I watched date plate. Two guys cook for a girl to get a date with her. What a way to get to a girl's heart, food. I also watched Caddyshack. Pretty funny movie.

So yep, the weekend is dead and done. Graduation was very surreal. I didn't understand what was going on. I was more dazed than I have ever been. That entire day was just...me staring into space every 2 seconds, seriously. I couldn't believe what was going on. It'll hit me soon enough. It takes a while for me to soak in the information bit by bit. I heard Dulles' valedictorian was Christian so he gave props to God in his speech, which is awesome. That's very neato. Our speakers were good, i think. They talked about typical stuff; the memories, the projects, the events, etc. I was there just for them to call my name and leave. yeah, i guess i STILL don't take high school seriously as i should.

I have to say, some of my friends' blogs are really endearing. They talk about their senior friends with great fun and love. It's almost poetic.

Wanna know what's been on my mind? eh, I guess i'm thinking about my future more than ever now. What is in store for me? I'm excited about living in a dorm with a complete stranger. There's something so wild and adventurous about that, isn't it? Some people say that's kinda scary....oh yeah it is. But it's more exciting for me. I guess I always enjoyed meeting new people. I suppose new people just don't want to meet me. Oh well, my roommate will just have to put up with me =)

Thank you for coming to my graduation, guys. I appreciate it. *goofy smile*

okie dokily. I love blogger. I wouldn't trade it for anything. not livejournal, not deadjournal (?), not diaryx, not even xanga. Nope, i'm staying true to my roots. I will NOT conform to the ways of the rest of internet world. I will NOT publicly post my personal thoughts other than Blogspot. Because I AM loyal and gosh darn it, I love this place.

=) I cried during felicity. Can you believe it? It was when felicity found out Noel died. I liked him. Even though he was a pushover, I still thought he could have been made more masculine and not so depressed about losing a high maintenance freak like felicity. Anyway, i have a thing for nice guys. I think i'm getting addictive to that show. It's not even that good. So much drama between Ben..... or Noel. Ben or Noel? BEN OR NOEL??? The entire script revolves around felicity's problem of picking one guy over the other and it's like a tennis tournament. For a while she's with Ben and then a while with Noel and then she goes back to Ben because Noel is too nice and forgiving and then she goes back to Noel because Ben treats her like crap. I don't get it. Wouldn't you rather be treated nicer and as if you were the only girl that existed? (Speaking on terms of the fact that I've only watched a few shows which have been from the last season of felicity's existence) Anyway, enough jibber jabber about a wasted hour watching ridiculous banter. On to more important issues...

I just watched Real World, Hawaii. MTV is being stupid and showing past seasons of Real World before Real World Paris (where I WANNA GO). tv is stupid. but then again. tv movies are awesome. boy, i'm just a hypocrite. Anyway, I stopped myself from watching because I need to get enough sleep because I graduate in 12 hours or so. It's my favorite season. Colin is so cute. Anyway, it's the show before Real World became corrupted. Now, it's debauchery at its worst. It was pretty bad when it started. But man, now, it's like as sinful as watching porn. it's gross. Anyway, i liked this season because i liked each character's personality and they just got along fine and there weren't so much gross stuff. It had deep moments with it. It carried one girl's problem of alcoholism and how she dealt with the whole ordeal. Yeah, i dunno. I just like the cast and the aura with it. (teh AURA....hehe)

so i want to find nemo, but who will come along with me?

Oh, favorite part before i go to sleep. He turned water into wine. =)

oh yeah, school's over...it's time to await my final run down the catwalk. Graduation! who knew that at one swish of a tassle, i'll become Class of 2003 graduate of Clements High School?

eh, i never realized i had to go through the whole process of leaving high school with the memories, the goodbyes, the pictures, the hugs, the john hancocks, and the whole kit and kaboodle. I'm going to miss it even though i complain about it half that time. (err, I complain about it in my head) i dun wanna get into details about what I'm going to miss. I'll just leave it at that.

So I watched Bruce Almighty. The ONE person who I thought would absolutely die of laughter. The ONE person that would not stop laughing even after the movie was over. The ONE person who appreciates the beauty of comedy. ENDS UP thinking the movie was just..."okay" I thought the movie was a work of art, comedy at its best form, all actors should kiss Jim Carrey's feet and make a shrine of his toenails....okay okay, so it's not THAT special. I just liked it a lot. I couldn't believe Michael didn't do ANY impersonations. All he said was, "it's okay". I guess he's too mature for me.

Anyway, I liked it because it was silly with a moral twist. Rotten Tomatoes had more bad reviews than good. err, it did remind me of Liar Liar. oh well, just a great movie. I have to say it's one of my favs.

i also watched matrix 2. Well that was kind of disappointing. I didn't like it. *gasp* I wish i did but i don't. No story, no essence. Just Neo kicking the same guy over and over and over again.

Anticipating: finding nemo, down with love, identity, how to deal....err more to come.

let anger fuel life

High school termination countdown: 2 freaking days
I just finished talking to one of my friends. I've known her since I came to Texas. And for a time, I felt like she was my best friend. She talked to me when nobody else did. She befriended me. Over these past 6 years, we've grown apart due to distance. I still invited her to my graduation because I love and appreciate her. But, for some, reason, I get a weird vibe from her. She kept her distance and told me she couldn't come, but congratulated me anyway. After all these years, I wish someone could tell me why we're not close friends anymore. If I haven't seen someone I love for a long period of time, I would be honored if they just invited me to go to a special event of theirs. I dunno. It's a weird feeling, this feeling inside of me.

I watched Dumbo again yesterday. Oh, the memories. He is just absolutely darlin'. I love that movie. Lion King will always be number 1 in my heart. But Dumbo has great memories behind it. For instance, two or three years ago, i went to Andy's graduation. A few of his friends were great guitar players and worship leaders. One of which was a guy, who was pretty cute. Andy told me that he knew how to play one of the songs from Dumbo. And i wanted to hear it so bad. But he didn't. Well not at least until the last night that we were there. You know that scene where Jumbo (dumbo's mom) was locked up and dumbo came to see her and she picked him up and swinged him by her trunk, the song is so sweet. Yeah thats the song. I'm a dork, but I started to cry when i was watching it. It's such a silly thing to do, but I just did. Oh and the guy looked cute while he was playing the song....hehe.

Anyway! I don't know why I cried. Maybe it was the sentimental idea of love. Maybe I just need to cry.

High school termination countdown: 3 freaking days
Obsessed with Hairspray right now. I can't seem to get the music out of my head.

"Good Mornin' Baltimore
Everyday's like an open door
Every night is a fantasy
Every sound's a symphony."

"Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Stop! Don't! No! Please!
Cause Momma I'm a big girl, now!"

High school termination countdown: 4 freaking days
Mr. Ronnenkamp said I had a nice smile =) Thanks! I look in the mirror sometimes, and I wonder, "why did God give pretty smiles?" What is the purpose, you know? Is it to brighten up somebody's day or is to show emotion or is it suppose to display sparking white teeth? I remember, the one thing that I heard so much over the summer was the fact that I had a beautiful smile. For some reason, it makes me happy...Oh man, I'm such a dork.

Betsy Ushkrat and Tyler Smith came again. Betsy is sooo pretty. She's going to be on the contest for Miss Texas. I hope she wins. She has an amazing voice. And as does Tyler Smith. He sang for us in class. I was amazed that a guy can sing so beautifully, well of course Josh Groban, but it was real life, not fake music editing. I'm thinking about taking singing lessons with him over the summer, try to hone my vocal chords. =)

My hair is starting to aggravate me. My hair grows so fast. But I don't want to cut it, yoiu know? Like I wanna grow out my long pretty hair again, so I look like a "woman, W-U-O-M-A-N" Anyway, yeah. I got to get a better look at lover boy in the yearbook. He's not that good looking, but he's got a gracious heart and so niiice. ANd on another note, Nice guys DON'T finish last. They get first choice.

For four years, I sang on stage, I danced on stage, and i have made an ass of myself on stage. Tonight, or rather last night, was my last choir show, my last night. It is so surreal knowing that this time next year, I won't be in high school choir. I'm going to miss it so much. Singing on stage drives so much adrenaline that man, there were so many times where I dreamed of lighting up Broadway with my imagination. Tonight was special as every last choir show for seniors are special. I met a sweet, generous guy. I had a short solo (and i MEAN short). I made a fool of myself. I got to see all the girls and boys that I've grown with, sing and dance. And I got to work the stage. I love it. Oh, I miss it already.

She looks in,
they look out.
She walks on,
they walk about.
She stands still,
they hurry along.
She opens her eyes,
they blind themselves.
...sorrow leak while
estranged beyond eternity...

Oh, and another goal of mine for this year: to go to FIF concert NO MATTER WHAT. I don't care if no one i know likes them, I AM GOING TO THEIR CONCERT.

High school termination countdown: 8 days
I was reading through my archives...and I remembered this post and it was notable post so I'm going to post it up again. How's that for repetition?

the great thing about Stefenee is that she is able to be teachable. She takes criticism into her own hands and can acknowledge that she has done wrong.

I learn that I'm not ready to be teachable. I don't take criticism lightly. sigh. That deeply rooted pride...bugger. One thing that women are to be...is teachable. the ability to understand and receive the fact that they've done wrong and learn from their mistakes. Though it is hard, it's required by us from God, well, not like God expects us to be teachable right when we come of our mother's womb. It takes a lot of pain and time to understand humility at its best. Philippians 2:14 (amp)
"Do all things without grumbling and faultfinding and complaining [against God] and questioning and doubting [among yourselves].

(i'm such a dork....i'm reposting what i've already posted? haha)

High school drama termination countdown: 10 days
I've been going to 24 hour fitness over the past week. so been pretty tired and sore. Once my body gets used to the torture, I'll be okay. Anyway, so yeah, I've been thinking. Thinking a lot. Where do you come to the point where you give your all to God? I once figured, when you hit rock bottom, you gotta go up. I suppose you can look at it that way. But I wanna say that deep within me, I don't want my life to be a cycle of "Oh man, I sinned and I must repent and go back to God", but rather a deeper thirst and yearning for the things of God. For an intimate portrait of communion between God the Father and Grace the child. Repentance is essential. But it may become routine, you know? In some form, a mix of legalism and complacency arises in the spirit. I'm ignorant. I don't know much. But what I know, I try to utilize and am always trying to understand life for what its worth. So forgive me, but I'm tired of "Christianity" and how "structured" it has become. I just wish...I don't know, I just wish that God will smack us into place all at once. But then everybody is at a different level in spirituality. It so complex, this life is. I'm just full of contradictions. I wish for consistency.

High school drama termination countdown: 13 days
I read annie's blog. She updated! woot woot. anyway, she was really honest in how she looked at blogging/journaling/whatever you call this online. People censor what they have to say. They choose not to be open about who they are. It really surprised me, okay, I was really really elated. I got taken back that people at my school can be honest with themselves. Not to be critical, but truthful, the kids at my school are so smothered with schoolwork that it disguises their faces. I have never really encountered such transparency as Annie has shown me. Sure, i am intimidated by her, but I admire her for her individuality and honesty.
By and by, I went by the registrar's office. They had the list of the Class of '03 Cum Laude and Magna Cum Laude. The people who I thought weren't really active, actually, are, or they wouldn't be in 10%, or even 5%. I kinda regret wasting my first two years with mistake after mistake of not studying for tests or keeping up with my grades. But then i think, after all of this is dead and done, High School will only be a chapter of Grace's menagerie. Right when I'm living on my own, raising kids on my own, and doing stuff on my own, that's when it all counts. For now, I'm just being a steward of my time and money and stuff. Oh man, "my own" I've been focusing a lot about me. Dang it. Right when I'm living with God, raising kids with God, and doing stuff with God... that's when it all counts....That sounds better.

High school drama termination countdown: 16 days
AP English Literature - May 5
AP Chemistry - May 13
dang, it's already May. boohoo. I'm graduating soon. =(

High school drama termination countdown: 21 days
Grrr, I decided to take a nap between 4:30 and 5:00. I just woke up...So I'll be online for quite awhile since I have nothing to do. My cube is not cooperating as much as I would like for it to. It's hard. How can a oh-so-seemingly simple puzzle turn out to be soo hard?! Michael has already given up due to great frustration of "How? What? I hate this thing! I am going to shoot it and make it die!" It's quite amusing, but also quite sad. Anyway, I had a pretty pointless day at school, again. Not much has been going on as the closing of the school year begins. Everybody is talking about college, plans for prom, plans for the summer, nothing about schoolwork. haha. Though, I have to admit, it's nice being a senior. An acquaintance of mine in Eco talks about prom everyday and asks me every OTHER day if i was sure about not going to prom. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. It's a waste of money for just a night. Well, at least, that's what I think. Trust me, I'm not one bit bitter about not having a date or such. I just dislike the idea of dressing up just to eat dinner and hang out and do nothing. I doubt that anyone would be interested in talking about God or mission trips or travel plans, cause that's what I'm into at the moment. It's so strange. I'm just sooo different. See, I'd rather just stay at home and be online rather than go out and have a social life. I've always been that way. I guess that's just what I'm used to. I don't oppose the idea of going out and having a grand ol' time, but I just like the idea of being comfortable in my own home. I dunno, perhaps, subconsciously, I want to go, but I'm just making excuses.

I wish I had a companion. It does become hard to handle when you feel like you're the only kind of you in this world, but it's also rewarding to know that you are unique. I find myself trying to conform and when i do, i get really uncomfortable with my mask. It's nice being myself. When i'm myself, i'm happy. But it does have its setbacks. Cause the world think you strange when you different. I have this friend that I've known since sophomore year. She is one of the most unique person. She is one of a kind. She's obsessed with John Travolta. She has a relevantly different sense of style. And she's different. But unfortunately, no one takes that as cool. A lot of people make fun of her for just being herself. People have asked me, "how do you know her? Don't you think she's kinda weird?" At first, yeah, sure I did. That was two years ago. Now, I appreciate her uniqueness and personality. A one of kind. We need more of that nowadays. How come I'm not hanging out with her? Well, the truth is. I haven't had any of the same classes with her. But, anyway, I'll keep her in my prayers nonetheless.

Hehe, I'm reading some of my high school friends' friends blogs and then I read my older friends' friends blogs and there is not much of a difference. talking about daily activity, events, and what not. Don't really get into that nitty gritty "how am i doing" stuff, not very personal. I guess thats just what journals are. A daily account of going-ons of life. *shrugs* There I go again....Why is mine different? Is it different? Do I talk about "what happens" or "what am i thinking?" *shrugs* eh. don't really care I guess.

Perhaps you're wondering about lover boy? Haha. Yeah, he's cute. Yeah, he's funny. Yeah, he's considerate. And yeap, he's totally into God. I just don't have courage to talk to him. It's just nice to know that those kind of guys do exist. I don't associate myself with a lot of guys. Cause often times, I just think they're way too immature. Like they write on each other or make jokes that aren't funny or just plain ol' silly and obnoxious (YES, that's the word I was trying to think of the other day!!). I find myself rolling my eyes at them sometimes. But, i dunno. Don't really need guy relationships. I can have them later. haha.

Think about it, when does life become so routine that you just wanna spontaneously ditch work, family, or friends and escape. Escaping reality of the same ol' crap and venture out into the woods or fly out of a plane or even dive off of a cliff. I don't know about you, but I wanna. Both men and woman want that feeling of exhilaration, whether it be wondering off into the unknown or endeavoring into the wild. Women just seem to want it from relationships, of men or women. Ever since girls were little, they desired to be captured, to be wondered at, or even considered a real life princess. I know I have. I use to think I could be a beautiful singer, gaining the attention of an audience at the mere hum of my voice. Girls have been, since their birth, wanted to be appreciated for. They would run up to daddy with their new bought dress, wanting him to marvel at her beauty. In grade school, hit a boy and ran from him to get his attention and his affection. And, high school on up, we would try to impress with looks, body, intelligence, wealth, or power to get that one guy that, oh man, is so perfect. I dunno. It seems to me that I just want to be looked at as a woman of God and beautiful in His sight rather than the world's sight. Cause, baby, God thinks you foine, girl.
(High school drama termination countdown: 22 days)

my new toy =)

High school drama termination countdown: 23 days
There's seems to be too much space when leaving spaces between lines. So, I will deter myself from doing so as often as I have in the past. I receive notice that I am a Texas Scholar, but I do not what benefits it reaps as of yet. I am eager to discover why I am a Texas Scholar as well. I'm feeling kind of restless. I'm totally into that whole planning for what I'm going to do this summer. I'm going to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish with the few months I have left before college and make sure that I enjoy it thoroughly because, I think, i deserve it as much as the rest of them. I wanted to backpack through Europe, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I would like it to happen, but I want the prospective people that I go with to have the same level of excitement as I have, which is very high, but hey, Europe is like a once in a lifetime deal for me. If I'm not excited, who is? I dunno, I really really really wanted to go the summer of my graduation. Maybe. I'll pray about it some more. Maybe God just wants me to stay home and take some time evaluating myself as a being. But I kept asking God, why would you put this desire in my heart then? Psalm 20:4 says "May He grant you according to your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans." Or maybe he just puts it there and then I prepare myself for it in the coming years. I dunno. I didn't prepare myself for China as well as I should have, but I had a blast. Oh well, it's totally God's thing. But....arggg....I wanna gooo!

I got an optical wireless mouse. It's super nifty. I can use the computer 6 to 10 feet away. *awe of Microsoft technology*

i should be studying for the three tests that I need to make up...But instead...I'm bloggin' =)

My nose is all watered up. I sneeze every couple of minutes...*pause*



AACHOO



*wipes nose*....*pause*....*inhales snot*....yum...

High school drama termination countdown: 25 days

oh me oh my, I'm having that warm fuzzy in the pit of my stomach again.

Hormones start ragin', adrenaline pumpin', and that cute boy a walkin'

Girls, I must confess, I hate this idea of security in a man. Who needs a man when I've got Pooh Bear to hug and hold at night. Who needs a man when I've got Mint Chocolate Ice Cream to make me all giddy. Who needs a man when I've got my momma's shoulder to cry on...

*raises hand* i do.

bored...bored...I am so bored..bored...bored...Grace is so bored...

I can't sleep. So i turn on my computer for amusement. I am still bored. I've been staring at the screen for about 16 minutes...

bOred...bored...Grace is very bored...bored...bored...I am very bored...

*sets alarm clock for 5:45*

"God, I pray that 7 hours from now, I will be awake because my alarm goes off. With your will and your discipline in me, wake me up. I wake up late because I feel that I need more sleep, but I really don't. It only means I'm unmotivated. So motivate me, Lord. Motivate me to promptly wake up because I want to wake up not because I have to. But because I want to. Just to spend more time with you, Jesus."

Bowling For Soup. I like their candy machine. =)

I keep hearing "Girl all the bad guys want" and I went on thinking "Is it the girl all the bad guys want....or the girl all the fat guys want?" hehe. Cause that would have been interesting. The girl all the fat guys want. As if there's something about her that appeals specifically to fat guys...hehehe...I don't think fat guys are freaky at all. They're just about the nicest guys around. They just have more weight.

I just did 200 crunches...it feels so good....going for 250 without stopping...

So, Spring Show. I'm excited about it. It's my last one!! I was coming home from UIL rehearsal, and I was like, maaann, it's my LAST SHOW. No more stage. No more adrenaline on stage. No more high school drama. It's going to be so weird this time next year, NOT getting ready for the show.

Oh man, kiddos. I just realized I'm 18. blah. I was telling my friend a story about one of the retreats I went to. Afterwards, I was like mannn, where did all the time in between then and now, go?

I was listening to KSBJ this morning. Michael W Smith was on the morning show. Man, he said some great stuff. He has a very soft voice, but firm and distinct. He spoke about fellowship with the other artists like it was something so common, yet so precious. Boy, that's really neato. He seemed pretty humble about his status. That's very hard to do under the circumstances that he's in. Anyway, yeah, I wanted to listen more, but I was already late to school...

Speaking of being late, I moved! Yes, my family and I moved to a different house...One that is closer to civilization. hehe. but also in another school district. =( Anyway, so now I have to drive about 15 to 20 minutes to get to school which is kinda a drag, but it's okay... I'll deal with it.

Taking the English and Chem AP. I don't know what I was thinking that day. I can't take those APs. I don't excel at taking tests...nonetheless, taking a test under pressure? Blah. Chem is more memorization and English...I think I shouldn't even try. Staying awake in class is hard enough to do. I have to stay awake during a test....AND do well? major poo. But that's what I get for being absent minded.

The new look on the tv guide c h an ne l looks super-nifty =)

Wow, it's already April. Whew-ee. I graduate in less than two months. AHHH. that's insane. I don't even feel like I'm 18. I don't even look it.

I think the older I get, the less opinions I have about life. I guess I figure, I don't understand, so I don't want to bother. Therefore, less blogging results. But, I'll try to be more thoughtful the next time I visit internet land.

Okay, I'm going to take a 15 minute nap before I go to the doctor.

"Everyone's in the restroom, but no one is using the bathroom."

Yeah, I didn't get into UT.

It's so strange. People around me have gotten their acceptance letters with great joy. And I wanted in on that relief. But I didn't get it. That whole rejection thing is not good for my soul. I didn't think it would happen to me. Perhaps in my mind, I had jinxed it by thinking that they wouldn't reject me, I'm Grace, sure I'm not smart, but I'm capable. But, no no. I need to be more realistic. I'm not worth that scholarship. I'm not worth it. I'm worthless to any alma mater.

My mind is cluttered with all these ideas that maybe I'm not even that smart to begin with. I start thinking, maybe college is not the way to go. I start to think maybe I should just find the next man I meet and marry him and live life as a housewife, without the burdens of education. Oh God, what am I thinking? I wish I could call them and tell them that their rejection of me has caused me mental instability so in order to relieve the tension on my brain they should just let me in anyway.

Darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it.

I WANT TO SCREAM.

To-do list (within the next four days):

1. Work on Satire pamplet for Spradley: come up with witty subject
2. Go to 24 hour fitness to take advantage of 10 day pass
3. Work on Ronnenkamp's AP test and actually finish
4. Look over Accounting tests
5. Reread The Sacred Romance
6. Watch Chicago again

Hello, yes I have changed back to my original template. I like this template. Simplicity...that's the key.

i went to Ar-kansas over the weekend.

It was...interesting. The high point of the entire trip was horseback riding. I went twice. So, now my legs feel like noodles and it hurts when i walk. I even look like those cowboys who walk with their feet apart as if they're still riding the horse. Oh! and i made pooh dance. =)

hello world,

i seem to be doing this blog on a weekly basis. That's odd. Cause I have a lot of free time. I would think that I'd be blogging away like no other. But I'm not. Blogging is not a priority of mine. I want to say that I have better things to do. But i really don't. I just kinda drift off on my bed. Speaking of which, I've been sleeping way too much. I usually go to sleep around 11 or 12 at night, wake up at 6, come home at 2, bum around until 4, take a 4 hour nap, wake up at 8, eat dinner and hw for 3 or 4 hours and then go to sleep at 11 or 12. so that's approximately 13 hours that I'm awake each cycle and approximately 11 hours I'm asleep. wow. im asleep for almost half a day. You know, too much sleep is a sign of depression.

I have social anxiety disorder you guys. I get nervous just talking to people and I panic when having to speak to people, even in casual conversation. I'd rather chat on AIM just to avoid them having to see me or hear my voice. I wonder why this is. Oye, not definitely...def- definitely no-not a goo-good thi-ing.

Send me my rejection letter already!!

I like to sing. I like to dance. I like to write. I like to read. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to write. I want to read.

It's sure is hot in herre. It's gettin hot in herre. I am gettin so hott. I'mma take my clothes offf.

Evanescence has become so mainstreem that I dislike it. I liked the idea that I was the only one who knew about them.

Last Wednesday, my English teacher wanted the entire class to discuss the commonly used allusions in poems. She handed us a handout that had a list of allusions from the Bible and of Greek mythology. Well, i glanced at it. I thought, "yeah, I guess i know some of the old testament. But mainly more of the Gospels." So I didn't really bother with it. I just spaced out for quite awhile. Until Divya asked me if i wanted to discuss some of it together. I was like, ok.

She asked me about each and every single one of the old testament. I started to tell her about Cain and Abel, Noah and the flood, Abraham and Sarah, Abraham and Isaac, Moses and Egypt....and the list goes on. Basically, I told her as much of the Old testament as I could. I was really surprised that I knew so much. At the same time, I realized I'm not capable of teaching about the Bible. I'm not good at explaining things very well. I start to mumble and stutter. I know the stuff. Just can't verbally translate it. Once and awhile I would look around the class to see if anyone was doing the same: explaining the Bible. Alicia had a group listening to her and so did Annie. It was kinda cool. They both looked so excited about sharing God. For the most part, I was excited. Cause while i was talking to her, I thought "this is a great way to witness to someone, telling them about God through the Bible" and I got all happy. But then I was afraid I would butcher the details if I wasn't cool and aloof about it. *shrugs* I hope I got to her in some way.

I also had a hard time explaining to Divya how I knew so much about it and trying not to use "spiritual terms" or "Christianese". As well as the fact that I had to go into a lot of detail because she doesn't know anything about the Bible. =/ it was fun, nonetheless.

Close your eyes for just one moment. Imagine all of life became clear in a split second. You knew what you wanted from living on earth. You realized that all you needed was love. That the greatest thing that you can do is love. What then? What happens after? Is that it? An epiphany of some sort...and then nothing? I go about it the wrong way. I go about it in terms of having one person to love. Why not love the world in its entirety?

Oye, i find myself caring for others more than for my own welfare. Once I begin to consume myself with others' problems, I forget my own insecurities, my own deals with the world. But how can I do so successfully, without getting stabbed and shot at, without being wounded with the poisonous arrows. He never said it was easy...he never really did...

Everyone has a story. Just let them sing it out.

"Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning..." -C.S. Lewis

Happy Valentine's Day!!

Yay! I had a good day today. =) It makes me happy to see everybody so happy. hehe. My Accounting teacher, Ms. Metke, got a singing Valentine, which was fun. The girls sang the original version of "Your Song" by Elton John. Very neat. They've got beaauutiful voices. "L-O-V-E" was awesome too, very cute. I just wish I could have heard Justine and Annie sing. I heard they have some awesome voices. Oh, well, my happiness will fade away after dinner tonight so I'm enjoying every moment of having so much people love me. hehe. not really. It's just the spirit of Valentine's Day... Love is all around. WooHoo!

everybody's getting sick. phooey. I think that's how the terrorists are attacking us. They spread the common cold disease so it would seem unthreatening because it is so common. And they'll swipe us out when we don't even know it...

not much logic to it, but hey it works for me.

I found out that a great deal of the "smart" people at my school are going to UT. They've already gotten their acceptance letters. They're guaranteed a spot for dorms. I, on the other hand, still need to wait. And it may as well be a rejection letter because...well...just because. sigh.

I'm not going to prom. I've already been rejected and stood up once. I'm scarred for life. haha. So, I'm not gonna go through it again.

I'm excited about friday. yay!

i have to write a sonnet...

...for it develops who i am

Should i release the anger of my soul...

....the bitterness of my heart

the contamination of my mind

....or the insanity of my life

Arrrrggg...!@#$%^&*())(*&^%@#$%....argggg....(sigh)

*grace is extremely disturbed at the moment*

Teen Mania Daily Devotion: Perfection (Knowing God Completely) February 2, 2003

"I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be." Philippians 3:12 NLT

Allow me to give you a quick, comprehensive reality check - you are not perfect...nor am I...nor is anyone! So, where does the idea of perfection come from anyways? Who says that we are to be perfect and what does it prove if we exemplify the meaning of the word, which means "faultlessness"? Striving for the kind of perfection that pleases yourself or others is not a requirement by God, it is an unattainable human idea. God knows that we were birthed from imperfectness and we must realize that the only "faultless" individual who walked this earth was Jesus and who can you compare him to?

Teachers have seen students have a nervous breakdown when they didn't receive an "A" on a paper; coaches have witnessed their players mentally beat themselves up if they lost a game and Pastors have counseled teens who feel ashamed for falling into sin. These examples show young adults who are desperately trying to aim for perfection. Their expectation level becomes so high that when they achieve any accomplishment, it never feels good because they think they could have done better. To them, it doesn't matter how many of their peers look to them with admiration because of their talent or how much their parents express how proud they are. There is a mental block that tells them that they are nothing unless everything they do in life is perfect. Am I speaking to you?

Let me speak even louder. There is no such thing as " perfection" . God only requires that you strive to reach its meaning in the way that brings glory to Him. He wants that you strive to live a life worthy of the calling He has given you and that you esteem His name in all that you do and say. He desires that you build your life around the structure of His word and live out the commandments that will bless YOU. God only wants to increase you; He never wants to take away from the endowments that you have been given.

There is a drive in you that wants to do things perfect. You want to dress perfect, sing perfect, play a sport perfect, be a perfect friend; however, with as much energy as you put into these miscellaneous things, are you putting as much effort into knowing God "perfectly"? Another definition of this word means "completely" and this is the only kind of "perfection" that God wants to instill in you...the idea of completely knowing Him. He wishes that you be the one testifying of His goodness and grace; He wishes that you be the one spreading His word; that your tongue speak of His unconditional love. Do not be a bystander; proclaim what God has done for you with zeal. "O LORD, I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them." Isaiah 25:1 NLT

When you begin to know God intimately it will show. Others may ridicule your freedom of expression with the Lord. However, see it as their way of crying out for what they feel they cannot attain. But because you possess it, it becomes your job to guide them towards owning it. This is the kind of "perfection" that you want. It is healthy and will build you up; you will feel good about yourself and walk in the air of confidence.

While Jesus was on this earth, notice that the only thing he desired to do perfectly was to perform His fathers work "completely"; this too is what we should long after. God understands that we are going to fall short; He knows that this world has temptations and that, as humans, we are enticed to hold hands with sin. However, He expects more from us than just mediocre ways. If we are crying out unto God to fill our cup a little more each day, we cannot caress sin while at the same time pray for the Lord to expose more of His glory.

Now understanding that God wants us to know Him "perfectly"..."completely." We need to take a hold of what it means to persevere, then we will encounter the true meaning of what it means to be a Christian. As long as we are aiming for the bulls-eye, we will get better at hitting our mark!

Here's a couple of goals I want to do in the next 10 to 15 years

1. To see the inside of a trailer home.
2. To go backpacking in Europe
3. To go to Niagra Falls
4. To skydive...anywhere
5. To sing a solo in front of a live audience
6. To go to New York; see Les Miserables on Broadway

For the first time in my life, I've finally understood what true forgiveness is about, on both ends. Often times, I would ask for forgiveness with all my heart to a brother or sister. And yet, the usual reaction is a reflex as not to cause conflict or pain, usually saying, "oh its okay" I don't want that anymore. If deep down in your heart, YOU got problems with me. JUST FRICKIN let me know. I can't stand it when people just push things aside trying to avoid the problem. So i always have to double check by saying, "Are you sure? Are you positive? Avoiding the idea of being vulnerable to someone that could possibly hold you accountable. Anyway, I digress. I felt disappointed over the last week, with family, friends, work, school, and life in general. I don't handle my emotions well enough to understand fully the cause of a certain intense feeling. Feelings are flaky. Yes. But I want to keep them in check. So forgiveness is a great factor in the healing process.

I was bummed out about not going to Acquire the Fire. I heard raves over and over how it was awesome. The fire of the Holy Spirit was evident in the arena. I regretted passing up a chance to fellowship with other brothers and sisters my age, who enjoy God. Imagine going to a concert of your favoritest band. You've got posters of them all over your room, you've got all their cds, and will tape any performance shown on tv. That's me. Just not so idolizing.... soo not idolizing Teen Mania, just God. Anyway, I digress yet again.

So Alicia had asked me to go. I was like, uhhh (kinda apprehensive about it) and the topic was dropped. After a few days, I was like yeah, deep down I do. I was just afraid of going with her church because they already have a pretty tight knit group. I didn't want to just join in like I could blend in because i can't, some have the gift of doing that, i don't. So I emailed her, cause I didn't know her number or anything. I just knew her email. Next day, no reply. The day after, none. They day after that, nope. I was like, "uhh" I guess people don't check their email or they just dont like me. So I got pooped. I got shut down.

Tuesday of this week, the tuesday after the weekend of Acquire the Fire, she told me that she got my email monday night. She kept apologizing. I was like no no, don't apologize. She was like "i feel terrible, grace. It would have been great having you there. You have to accept my apology and I must make it up to you, or else. I'm really sorry." And for the first time, i felt sincerity in someone's apology. Sincerity. I'm not saying that people haven't been sincere. But I felt this one so strong. Like my Spirit yielded with gentleness i've never known before. Any sort of resentment or bitterness was lifted.

Forgiveness is a two way deal.

Happy New Year, everybody!

aiyah, I'm having an identity crisis again. Should I try to fit in? But then that means I'm going to go against all that I stand for. Should I go with the flow of the world? But then I start acting like the world...DaHh!

Why do people change behavior when around certain people? Why does everybody have dual personalities? It really troubles me that the relationships that I have, they aren't being honest with themselves and therefore, cause me to have a false impression of them. It makes me sad. I am this way, too, in some degree. I can be quite talkative when talking about issues of the heart. But then other times, I'm just indifferent to trivial problems. I dunno...

But doesn't the entire world consist of trivial pursuits of power, of fame, of wealth, or of whatever that appeases the apetite of the soul.

Oh man, I want to go back to the basics of life. To live as if Christ were here, right now. Living without regret or sorrow or pain or cynism or depression or malice or deceit or anything of the sort. I'm tired of living lies of people. I'm tired of being who I don't want to be. I don't want to live life as a commoner. I belong to the King of Kings. I don't need to petty myself with useless matters.Just enjoy God. Just listen to Him. Who cares who's listening, Grace. Who cares if they're watching your every move. I got yo back. There's no need to care. Give your burdens to me. I'll help you along this dusty road.

"Worshipping God is fun"
"I know, right?"
"When my friends ask me what I want to do, deep down in my heart, I feel a tug on my soul to just praise God with all my heart. But when I say, 'Let's worship God!! Yay!' They're like 'uhh, you psycho religious freak' and then I feel bad"
"oh don't, seriously, nothing gets better than acknowledging God for who He is cause 'He's worthy to be praised' so there aint nothing wrong with that, girl"
"But people already think I'm a freak. Shouldn't I try to make myself look at least somewhat approachable?"
"Well, you can't change the past. All you can do is set your priorities straight, what matters most to you. In the Bible, it says to die is to gain, to live is to Christ. Grace, when we die, man, that's when the party becomes crazy. Worshipping God, getting drunk with the power of the Holy Spirit. Heck, if I could, I would want to die right this minute. But I'm not dead and neither are you, possibly intellectually or physically dead, but spiritually, your Spirit lives on. There's a certain purpose that God has in store for you. Until you've achieved it, don't sacrifice the greatest opportunity of your eternal life, to make a difference."
"That's what I've heard so many times. It just doesn't click."
"Well, make it click. Remember, you're on the winning side. There aint no losers that belong to God."

so yeah, I have worn glasses for practically all my life. So i have a habitual habit of putting on my glasses. And i miss that. haha.

After I came home from school, I decided to wash my face. Afterwards, when i put on my glasses, everything is blurry! I don't understand!! Then, I realized it. I don't need my glasses because I have my contacts on!! =)

Christ for the Nations. I'm interested in going to the institute now. *pondering* Should I go to Christ for the Nations? If I even consider it, will my parents reject my suggestion? hmm...

*shrugs*

I'm having fun, you guys. For the first time in years, I'm enjoying school for what it is worth. I guess i feel like i've taken advantage of school for the last three years.

hehe. HECK NAW. I'm ecstatic, yo. It's more along the lines of thinking I'm never gonna be in high school EVER so I'm having fun. =) YA-HOOOOOO.

man oh man, my room is so clean. The last time I saw it this clean was....well, never. I'm amazed at how clean my room is.

*looks around*

My eyes are tired. I got my contact lens today. Woot Woot. so yeah, but i don't know which one is right and which is left, and Vision Source is already closed. So yeah, I'll call them tomorrow.... it looks like I won't be wearing them until wednesday. Today, a friend had catched me without my glasses. She said I looked cute without them. =)

You know, lately, I've been feeling the need to hang out with friends and keep myself occupied with my social life. My meter on my social satisfaction has been pretty low. hehe. Reminds me of Sims. So yeah, feeling restless. doot doot.

"what we do dictates who we are"

"the great thing about Stefenee is that she is able to be teachable. She takes criticism into her own hands and can acknowledge that she has done wrong."

I learn that I'm not ready to be teachable. I don't take criticism lightly. sigh. That deeply rooted pride...bugger

One thing that women are to be...is teachable. the ability to understand and receive the fact that they've done wrong and learn from their mistakes. Though it is hard, it's required by us from God, well, not like God expects us to be teachable right when we come of our mother's womb. It takes a lot of pain and time to understand humility at its best.

Philippians 2:14 (amp)
Do all things without grumbling and faultfinding and complaining [against God] and questioning and doubting [among yourselves]

otay, man, crazy dream again, kiddos. But I won't try to describe it to you. Just take my word. I had a crazy dream.

I wanted to go to Acquire the Fire, today. Man....I don't know why I didn't. I had heard some awesome stuff about it. How like people's lives have been changed through going to Acquire the Fire. Dang it.

Anyway, some updates about life for Grace. You want to know what's up? well, a couple of things. My family is moving. We don't know where yet. I just suppose it's a nice place cause we wanna buy the house for what it's worth. *shrugs* I guess it doesn't really affect me, considering I'm leaving for college. so yeah, that's been the talk of the shih family for about a week now. Annnd, I had fun in Austin, even though it was last weekend. I enjoyred it thoroughly. =) I wanna go see a funny movie. Not a gross funny. But a funny, pee in my pants cause it's so funny without being gross movie. I think the last movie that was like that was....Two weeks notice, Now THAT was a good movie. Though, it is a romantic comedy. The movie industry HAS to make a movie that is funny without it being crude and without it being a romantic. *shrugs* But then... I don't know.

I wonder. I think my email isn't working...cause I've been sending emails and I haven't gotten any reply from people. Either that, or they just don't want to keep in touch with me. =( oh well. That's okay, i guess.

ANother thing I've been thinking about is a summer road trip. A nice vacation from Texas. I'm getting sick of eating and doing the same ol' deal every weekend. Just an idea to throw out there into blog land.

Oh, and I got more hours on my job. I haven't talked about my job much, huh? Well, I guess it's partly cause I don't enjoy it as much as I should be. It's just kind of a side thing, where I have family, friends, and school, oh yeah, and I have a job. It's not a big part of my week so its not a big part of my life. I guess after college, I'll think differently.

bitterness...resentment...arrogance...GO AWAY!! I spit at you.

ONE DAY 2003

go register NOW or imma have to go after you....

I'm sorry guys.

I had a post about red bull and how my chem teacher was drinking it. All this time, I thought it was beer, it's not. It's an energy drink. I'm sorry, world. I'm sorry Mr. Ronnenkamp.

Sorry for my ignorant blah-ging. I didn't mean to be stupid. I just am sometimes. =(

I feel inadequate.

DAH, why does depression seep through my veins like blood. I hate it with a passion. Down with depression. Poo, poo.

Oh God, let this vessel come clean before your throne. Empty out the scum, the sewage, the poo in my body, mind, and soul. Renew my mind to yours alone. Let me seek you with the entirety of my heart for this child wants to be yours alone. I just don't know how to do it anymore, God. I want a taste of heaven within the grasp of my hands. I thirst to know that all of life comes at the altar, kneeling before the cross. Remind me how sweet your presence is just in your glory, Oh God. Burn within my heart a passion that yearns for your very heart, Lord God. I want to be you. I love to be you. Oh cradle me in your arms of love. Make known to me that you are my Master and I am your servant. God, you are my everything. Please strike me down before I rebel your gracious name. Destroy all of who I am if ever I choose the path of the wicked.

All that matters is you...Let me KNOW that again, Father. just as i know right from left, oh God. Make it a great reality of being chosen to serve you. God, I've tried. I've failed. All I want is you. So wash me clean. cover me.

Oh Lord, love me.

Man, oh man.

today, today was an okay day. I set my alarm at 6:30, in hope of waking up and going to school early for SFC, Students For Christ. As the buzzer interrupted the soothing remnants of my peaceful dream, I thought, ahh, it's okay, i'll go next time, I promise. And so I woke up later, but did not get to school late. Just as I walked into the school, I saw Alicia with her smiling, joyful face. And we talked about how SFC will be meeting on friday afternoons as well, because students just can't make it in the morning or perhaps it will be more interesting when the congregation is awake rather than half asleep.

Anyway, so we chatted for a bit before class and then we went our separate ways. Afterwards, I regretted not waking up early just to go to fellowship, you know? Like I love the idea of being devoted and dedicated to one particular purpose, and this was it. If I can't wake up and get my lazy ass up and going, I ain't going anywhere. *sigh* That's why commitment is a hard thing for me right now in my life. I don't have a lot of motivation. I wish I could say that God is. But my eyes are a bit clouded. But I want to try to put my faith at its work.

Sunia and I have become really good friends. She's in my Chem class. I just find it really ironic how i didn't intend on making friends, but God divinely appointed them to me. Anyway, she's a muslim. She's pretty devout about her faith. We were talking about how our future is in God's hands. I started thinking, are we talking about the same God? I remember how after September 11th, a gathering was held for all faiths to come together and pray. But some were Muslim and some were Christian. We're not praying to the same God are we?

My heart says no, they're speaking to Allah and you, God. But Sunia refers to Allah as God. And then my mind says yes, because of the literal meaning of the term.

I've gone picture crazy. I'm obsessed with pictures again. I think it's Elaine's fault. She is a great photographer and through just looking into her room and her scrapbooks, you can see that she's creative like that, taking rolls after rolls of pictures. hehe. Anyway, yeah, I always loved the idea of photography. Ever since I got a 100 as a major grade on my 7th grade photography project, I had the ambition to take pictures. But i never really went for it. I just thought, I'll leave that to Elaine. She gives me her pictures anyway.

Oh, I had a point. I looked through the pictures that I've taken over the last 6 years that I've been in texas. Man, I can see how I've changed physically, like how I smile more now than I have ever, like how I don't slouch much. *shrugs* and other stuff. Pictures are so cool. You can remember what went on at that moment and travel back in time for that split second.

OH, and i found an old picture of the boys and I. Andy and Eric look the same, but Daniel and Michael, man, they're growing before my eyes. Growth is such an amazing deal, especially on guys, cause it's soo apparent. yeah. 4 guys and 1 girl. I wished that in between eric and daniel, my aunt had a girl. Either that, or my mom had another girl. hehe. anyway.

Last Saturday, we went to olive garden (my favoritest restaurant). And I heard my uncle talk about China. I miss it so. Listening to him brings back a great deal of joy and pain. Joy on behalf of so many salvations and pain because of the harsh persecutions the chinese have to go through. THough, i went to an area where the economy was pretty decent, I wish we had travelled inward a little bit more so that I could experience the house churches. And then, I heard Irv and Johnny might go to China or South America this summer. Man, I want to go. My heart kinda screams for it. *sigh*

Anyway, yeah, ok, I should finish my chem hw.

I dont try to be emotional. It just happens.

I never understood why women are so sensitive. I don't know why I'm sensitive. Subconciously, my hormones take the best of me and I try to figure out my emotions before anything else. I truly don't want to be emotional. I try to put on this "i don't care" attitude....but often times...deep down, i do.

I guess it's the matter of whether or not you want to be vulnerable to those around you.

In many aspects, I do. I avoid the idea of getting close to them from getting hurt. I'm sure those of you who know me personally, hear me say this a lot. But I'm tired of getting hurt by those closest to me. I magnify any situation about 100 times more than it ought to be. I wish God had changed that area of my life, where I'm not so guarded. Where I'm weak but strong, vulnerable but stable.

At the same time, i have to wonder, maybe there's some purpose as to why I'm like this. Also, I'm not arrogant...I know there are other women who can be very much like myself. (I'm just analyzing who I am at the moment)

Dah. I hate it that I stay by myself so much. It's in this manner that I think about myself a bit more than I should be. As well as the fact that I aint got much of a social life. Yeah, I have friends, truly wonderful friends. It's a matter of if I want them to know more of me. Cause more of me doesn't necessarily mean good. It may mean a rollercoaster ride of conflicts, emotion, and cynicism. poo. I pray you guys forgive me, all of you. I'm just a kid with problems.

When I'm with people, I get impatient and cynical sometimes. Then there are other times where I'm just absent minded. Depends upon my mood that day. Hah. Anyway, I learn more of myself when I'm with people. They allow me to open up. I learned in the past year that I'm not shy. Hah. I'm just quiet. Avoiding conversation as much as possible. I shouldn't. I know I'm contradicting my own words, but I'm secretly a schizo.

Okay, maybe the solution to this problem is to find ministry. I found out that when I'm serving God and others, it helps me be clear-minded, where I'm just focused on those other than myself. Or...i dunno. Just something that I've thought about lately.

God, sweet God, you're in control of me.

josh groban, I am in love with your voice...will you marry me?

i just realized why i've been so nervous about college. I have many friends at Clements who are overachievers. People who have a dream to become biomedical engineers, surgeons, doctors, actors, you name it...

I felt intimidated. I felt like i couldn't compete. I was this "asian" girl that had a reputation as a "smart" kid to have dreams and ambitions for the future. To aim high. To reach for the stars. But to get there, there are conditions. You must be this, you must do this, you must have this... 6.0 gpa, 1600 SAT, National Merit Semifinalist, charisma, character, intellect..etc. It was frustrating. I kept pushing aside the idea that I can aim high while being on God's side. And so i neglected this idea that I would be able to make it into college. I failed to see the future in the Almighty's hands. It was a shame. All that time wasted because i didn't have faith.

Today, a former student of Clements came to recruit freshmen into A&M. I went up to her and asked a ton of questions. I think she got annoyed with me. hehe. Anyway, I'm leaning more on A&M more than Baylor. I think my chances of getting in are pretty good now. But I'm still keeping my fingers crossed. Anyway, in the end, it doesn't really matter where I go. Just go.

Lately, the concept of leaning into God's will has been heavily weighed on my heart. God's will is intertwined with my will. Though, he has a blueprint of my life, he still keeps me in the dark most of the time....all right...all the time. If going to college is such a big deal, then God will surely make a way for me to see a clear vision of what he has in store. I just need to stay in faith, walk in it, and know it's all that I can do.

I am very special. hehe. Max Lucado has a series of children's books. It just emphasizes the extravagant love of God and how he made me special.

It makes me feel like a child again, reading those books. At the same time, it's very comforting. Because it rereminds me that God is love and there's no fear in perfect love, is there..? nope, none.

Today's my younger brother's birthday. Michael is officially 14. MY GOOOOD! I'm so old. =(

Sometimes, I have to snap myself into the fact that my little brother isn't a baby anymore, even though he looks it. He's so popular, funny, cute, and smart. heehee. I love my bro.

What we had to do for Chem was go over the multiple choice part of last semester's final, correct errors, answer all the questions, and then turn it in for a daily grade tomorrow. Arrgg. My brain feels like its been on crack. I have been looking at numbers and formulas for the past 7 hours. dah. On the day of the final on the...uh...20th of December...we only had 50 minutes to complete the multiple choice section and for the rest of the time we had, we worked on the written part of the exam. If it took me 6 hours to complete a 25 question test, damn, i dont think I'll be taking the AP this May. The thing is, Ronnenkamp made the entire exam exactly like the AP, that it was so unfamiliar to me and i freaked. Well, at least i got a B for the semester. I was afraid that I wouldn't pass, but i did...Hooray.

I haven't stopped my Josh Groban listening since last night. *sigh* I just can't get enough of his voice.

Oh, today, in English class, we read a excerpt from Paradise Lost by John Milton, titled "Temptation of Eve". That's exactly what it was. The novel surrounds the psychological mind frame of fallen man when choosing good over evil.

I was really interested in the style of writing that he put forth. He made the event seem so existent and like it had happened in reality. It did. However, the author puts forth a great deal of detail and emphasis on the sneakiness of the serpent and the ignorance of Eve that it gives depth to the process of how man fell. It really helped me to understand the situation as a whole, from both perspectives, Satan's and Eve's. I think that's what makes a good novel as well as a great author. The idea of bringing words into life, really cool and neato.

Ashton Kutcher is hott...

I crawled around the sewer, looking for a single soul. It was damp as my paws touched the ice cold sewage. I heard a faint noise to my right. As I approached the inner walls of the plumbing system, I heard what sounded like a market. A mass of people were selling my friends to butchers and market men.

My dream. I was a cat. I felt abandoned and alone because all the other animals had been taken. But at the same time, I was free from being eaten. But I was a lonely free cat.

The strangest thing. Ok I woke up this morning. This first thing i thought about was the fact that my face hurt when touched. It felt like a sharp blade was stuck in my skin. I looked in the mirror. There's a long scratch on the right side of my face. Throughout the day, I wondered how did I actually get the scar. I even began to think the dream may have something to do with it. =) but that's just silly...isn't it? I remember getting scratched when all of us were running down the walkways. Alicia was in my dream again.

Man oh man. I have such strange dreams. Half the time they don't make any sense. Then other times they freak me out so much with fear and anxiety. I wish I had happy dreams. Dreams of rainbows or waterfalls or the waterside or the forest or the bahamas. hehe. Anyway, I should hit the sack soon.

Listening to Josh Groban. The coolest thing. Ding is so awesome. She is my mom's boss. When she heard that I liked Mr. Groban, she took into consideration of giving me her own. She had received one copy of his cd as a Xmas gift when she already had one. So she graciously gave it to me as a gift. Bless her heart. That's just so sweet.

tear* I read skanadian's journal. tear* Aww makes me want to know what it's like to care for someone that much. Like my face lights up when that one guy calls me up. Or when he strolls down the hall with welcoming arms. Or when he walks into the room with his great big smile. Or when he embraces me. And then there's that great feeling of missing him. I would miss him so much that seeing him the next time we meet would make up for that time lost, missing each other. hehe. Oh my dreamy little mind.

I think...

I think i've become legalistic. Like one of the pharisees. Lately, I realize that I have become more judgmental in the midst of situations more than generous. Though it may not be verbally displayed, my heart still burns with that bitterness and resentment. I mean no one has made me specifically mad. I have this tendency to take things out of proportion. It's truly sad. I know I'm not the only person who does this. But I don't like that part of me.

At one end, I hate my simple mind where things are black and white. Then at the same time, I hate it when things are plain and have no extravagant meaning. I dunno. I don't know where I'm going with this.

Arg. I just want life to be...i don't know. Dazzling. Adventurous. Romantic. Fairy Tale. Where I fall into a deep hole, and a whole new world is laid before my eyes. Where I slay a ten foot philistine with just my slingshot. Where I kill an entire army with words of my mouth. Where the man of my dreams comes riding through the night to lay a kiss to awaken me from my deep slumber. =)

But poo. None of that has happened to me.

Your thoughts.

TAKE CAPTIVE.

MIND OF CHRIST.

LIFE OR DEATH?

Blessings or curses?

Think positively not negatively. Your path is paved by your thoughts. Both Satan and God exist. It's up to you yourself and me myself to choose. Free will. It's a curse and a blessing.

I had a fabulous birthday. I had to work that day. But it was okay. I learned how to sterilize the instruments that grind your teeth. =) I think I'm suppose to be an assistant to the dentists, handling the tools and stuff. But I'll just go with the flow. The entire day was pretty nice. I woke up. Hung out with Andy and Michael. Then went to souper salad. Had vegetables for the first time in ages. It felt good to eat somewhat healthy... hehe. Afterwards, I went to Barnes and Nobles for awhile cause I had time to spare. I went to the music section and looked for Josh Groban.

My my my. I love his voice. He sounds like an angel sent from the Lord. Seriously. I absolutely adore his voice. I listened to some samples. ANd i can say that I am officially a fan of his. hehe.

ANyway, so i went to work. And the lady that I thought didn't like me turned out to be pretty nice. At first, I dreaded my training because she was the employee who was suppose to help me familiarize with the tools and the process of sterilizing them. But she's not really mean. Lol. I guess first impressions are not very dependable. I suppose I had a bad impression because of the negative input by my friends who go to that particular dentist. When i had first met her, she wasn't very friendly. And i took that to offense. But now, maybe its just cause they're really honestly busy that they don't exactly have time to socialize.

*shrugs*

So after work, I went to starbucks. Caramel Frap. Very good. I took note that I might not be able to sleep that night. Went to Eric's place up north. Oh man, driving a long length of time, my entire body somehow became sore. We decide to go eat at Hido's. Very good. Oh man, dinner was fun. It's one of those restaurants that they cook your food in front of you and they do all these tricks. THe food was good. We shared the table with 3 students and a family. At first, I was really tired. I felt like i could just lay my head on the table and fall asleep. But I fought it. I kept my composure. lol. Anyway, long story short, good company, good food, funny students, chef hat, samurai sword, and green tea ice cream. yum.

To top off the night, we went to Victory church. At first, I was a bit cynical and critical about the church. One of the things that i need to deal with is the fact that i judge churches. I critique and label them as good or bad. But AGAIN, WHo the &@$& am I to do that? then the Holy Spirit got me in check. Right at that moment, I reevaluated myself and repented. Suddenly, a tide of peace came over me. The rest of the night was purely divine. I liked it a lot. I felt God so deep within my soul that I couldn't move. I dared not just in fear that it might just disappear. I just drenched in God's glory that I just sat enjoying his blessings.

You can imagine I was definitely tired. My day had been packed. I wasn't confident in driving, but i didn't want to say anything. I drove for awhile. Then i told Mike to keep me awake, just in case. Slowly, I drifted off. Half asleep and driving. I heard Michael say something but it didn't click in my head. I just followed the car in front of me. And so it drove into a gas station. It was Andy and Eric. Apparently, I wasn't driving anymore. HAHHA. And so i slept in Andy's car.

I slept like a rock that night.

Thanks Wynette!! (you're a sweetie pie)

Hello, world. It's me, Grace. I'd like to announce that I will be turning 18 on January the 3rd. Big event. Don't know what to do. May have to work. *shrugs* Only a mark on the fact that I'm getting older, but not getting any more mature. HAHAhHAHha. okie =)

I hope you guys have an awesome new year! and Keep your resolutions!