For the first time in my life, I've finally understood what true forgiveness is about, on both ends. Often times, I would ask for forgiveness with all my heart to a brother or sister. And yet, the usual reaction is a reflex as not to cause conflict or pain, usually saying, "oh its okay" I don't want that anymore. If deep down in your heart, YOU got problems with me. JUST FRICKIN let me know. I can't stand it when people just push things aside trying to avoid the problem. So i always have to double check by saying, "Are you sure? Are you positive? Avoiding the idea of being vulnerable to someone that could possibly hold you accountable. Anyway, I digress. I felt disappointed over the last week, with family, friends, work, school, and life in general. I don't handle my emotions well enough to understand fully the cause of a certain intense feeling. Feelings are flaky. Yes. But I want to keep them in check. So forgiveness is a great factor in the healing process.

I was bummed out about not going to Acquire the Fire. I heard raves over and over how it was awesome. The fire of the Holy Spirit was evident in the arena. I regretted passing up a chance to fellowship with other brothers and sisters my age, who enjoy God. Imagine going to a concert of your favoritest band. You've got posters of them all over your room, you've got all their cds, and will tape any performance shown on tv. That's me. Just not so idolizing.... soo not idolizing Teen Mania, just God. Anyway, I digress yet again.

So Alicia had asked me to go. I was like, uhhh (kinda apprehensive about it) and the topic was dropped. After a few days, I was like yeah, deep down I do. I was just afraid of going with her church because they already have a pretty tight knit group. I didn't want to just join in like I could blend in because i can't, some have the gift of doing that, i don't. So I emailed her, cause I didn't know her number or anything. I just knew her email. Next day, no reply. The day after, none. They day after that, nope. I was like, "uhh" I guess people don't check their email or they just dont like me. So I got pooped. I got shut down.

Tuesday of this week, the tuesday after the weekend of Acquire the Fire, she told me that she got my email monday night. She kept apologizing. I was like no no, don't apologize. She was like "i feel terrible, grace. It would have been great having you there. You have to accept my apology and I must make it up to you, or else. I'm really sorry." And for the first time, i felt sincerity in someone's apology. Sincerity. I'm not saying that people haven't been sincere. But I felt this one so strong. Like my Spirit yielded with gentleness i've never known before. Any sort of resentment or bitterness was lifted.

Forgiveness is a two way deal.