affinity.

to be honest, i never wanted to be liked. I never asked you to like me. I never sought for your affirmation. it's funny. i never really liked myself. How could I? with the things i've done? But i will take what's been said, i'll take the compliments, encouragment, etc. and place them in my treasure box, precious they are to me...

sidenote: i really want to see closer for some reason...probably out of curiosity.

Secret Santa.

We did Secret Santa. Shannon had me and I had Jo. =) I got a scarf and the garden state soundtrack. yippeee!

The morning after, I wanted to show off my scarf to my dad.

I exclaimed, "Look! Dad! Look! Shannon got me this! [holds up scarf]
Dad looks up, "a rope?"

...

This semester flew by.

So many thoughts are running through my head a bajillion miles per hour. It's inconceivable how the mind works. I wish i could put into words exactly what i want to convey. Over the last few days, i've become vulnerable to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's due to lack of sleep. Or maybe it's the season. Or maybe i miss something or someone. Whatever it is, i wish things were a bit simpler. If i were you and you were me, would things be different? If you knew every thought and inkling in my body, would situations change?

I look back on the semester, and i wonder, did God move? Did i further God's kingdom by simply living? i'd say no. But i don't know that. Often times, i don't feel like i'm making an impact on those around me. Last year, i've grown accustomed to giving a little bit of me to everyone. I ended up crashing and burning, squeezed dry from life. I have this tendency to relate, possibly too much to people. Yeah, i'll listen to you, show empathy, and love you...but is that enough? I've realized that i've stretched myself to the max this week. My body is sore. My brain is sore. My heart beats faster each day. Even now, with finals over (yay), i feel the strain in my heart and soul. So strange.

I apologize to those that i've hurt along the way. I can't take back the things i've done. I can't undo the wrongs i've made. I'm still human, you know.

So i ask you to be patient with me. I'm still learning. I want to love and be loved. I want to serve. I want to say the unspoken. I want to have faith.

my goodness.

gah. i'm throwing my entire schedule off for finals. I have been working on an excess of caffeine, malnutrition, and deprivation of sleep. I don't know what i was thinking yesterday when i went go eat at magic china after pulling an all nighter, watching ocean's twelve after a two hour nap, eating jack in the box until we got kicked out, watching a prequel to a movie that i've never seen, and eating at denny's for a 3 hour conversation about nothing; i went to sleep at 6. Needless to say, I missed church this morning...it's okay because sami and sarah did too...actually no, there's no excuse.

Now, i'm avoiding having to study for my last two finals as much as possible, and i'm distracting mika from writing her paper =P

Ummm, i hate finals.

Warm fuzzies like whoa.

MY GOD! i am soo happy right now! I want to thank each and every one of you who came out to my insanely early birthday get-together.

Kristina, Zoe, Diane, Elaine, Phuong, Nhu, An, Tram, Sally, Sara, Jennifer, Mika, Mei, Carmen, Sherry, Sarah, and Sami

Andrew, Mario, Anthony, Eric, Pham, Howie, Philip, Edward, Billy, Ron, Alan, Steve, Caleb, Aaron, Chin, James, Daniel, Peter, SHAWN our waiter, Jairo, and Robert

I love everyone of you guys and am grateful to God for each of you. I know I don't express myself in an exquisite manner, but from the deepest of my heart, i love you all.

I remember...

the subtle utterances of truth from his mouth.

I miss...

the gentle breeze that comes from his embrace.

I wish...

he was near.

Santa's Workshop.

Santa's workshop was fuN! I wasn't expecting anything. I had just woken up from a nap so i was still a bit groggy as i walked into the sub. I went to the foodcourt and there were gift wrap, scissors and tape galore, and numerous boxes filled with toys at every table. And people had already started wrapping toys like crazy. Oh man, i started to get giddy inside. I love wrapping gifts. My mom and I would always go nuts during the holidays cause we both absolutely loved wrapping gifts. I went to a station and started my own little system and got into the rhythm of cutting, folding, and taping. hahaa. yeah, i'm a dork. I had fun tonight.

Volleyball Insanity

Ever since Volleyball Intramurals started, i haven't stopped obsessing about sharpening my spikes, being able to serve overhand, digging opponent's serves, and setting like whoa. We murdered kdphi and deltasig, but jsa put up a good fight. SO CLOSE. But yeah, games are over and done with until after thanksgiving.

After talking to a lot of my girlfriends recently, i noticed that we are experiencing the same emotion, loneliness. As the holidays roll on in, it would be nice to celebrate that kind of intimacy that only a couple can have.

Lately, i've been faced with a lot of temptations. It's weird. In the past, these temptations would be so easily avoided. However, i find myself wanting to give in to my flesh...bleh.

Thanksgiving is in a few days. I'm excited about sleeping in my own room and having a lot more privacy....and of course, spending time with my family. =P

Everyone, have a great break and Thanksgiving.

aww geez.

You know what i've realized? I have an obnoxious laugh.

On Wednesday, I went to the library (gasp) to study chinese or accounting, i forget which. Something happened, I erupted into laughter and couldn't stop for eternity (3 minutes to be exact). I felt bad for laughing so hard. Friday, i went to see the incredibles with AFC. That movie made me laugh like none other. Hanna comes up to me after the movie and tells me she heard me laugh. She sat behind me on the opposite end of the row. AND then, after freshmen dinner, i went to andrew's place to chill for a bit. I was telling a story and couldn't finish the story without laughing my head off.

I need to calm down. =P

I am a Christian by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin." I'm whispering "I was lost," Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say.."I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain, I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow.

An unexpected awakening.

I didn't expect for God to poke me. I knew i was in for it when i had prayed for humility. Lately, i've been waking up, hoping to devote my day to God. It often feels like my prayers hit the ceiling and reverberates back down. Needless to say, i started getting desperate for God and continued to pray outrageous prayers, not expecting God to listen. Boy am i naive.

I am by no means saying that i have experienced some life-altering moment. Nor has my life flashed before my eyes. I have been reminded of God's goodness. I remember when i would wake up each morning excited about what God had to offer to me that day. I want to start doing that again. I am reminded of the goodness of the cross. I am reminded that i live for God alone and only He can provide the joy that i need day to day. But unless i give my all to him, i won't be able to live the life worthy to be called a follower of Christ. So, if i had to summarize what i learned tonight, i'd say i want to surrender all i have to live for the glory of Christ.

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

Meandering thoughts.

i wish i had something intelligent to offer to you like some philosophical epiphany or a supernatural intervention.

But no.

God is good. He gives rest to the weary.

Dear Lord, this pain inside me
Tears me apart
And Lord the more it hurts
The harder my heart

Oh, in my darkest hour
Your love comes shining through
Your word is true and You make all things new
And I know You're all I need
You say You're here and You calm my fears
And i know You'll never leave

Dear Lord, my heart is breaking
Breaking in two
And Lord my spirit's torn and
Crushed without You

Higher than the stars that shine
And deeper than the sea
Is my Savior's precious love
Your love has set me free
Set me free

Jennifer Szutu

jenn rocks.

Good guys, do they exist?

It boggles my mind how much one can be fixated on relationships. And I'm guilty as charged. I've been analyzing relationships of all kinds. But more so on "romantic relationships." I have to admit it, i really desire to be with someone. I want to be intimate with someone. But, I'm afraid that i am naive about too much to be in a sane relationship. Recently, or to be more exact, today... everywhere i went and everyone i ran into, something triggered me to speculate about my relationship with the opposite sex.

For one instance, I ran into Ron and his girlfriend Monica. First off, Ron rocks. He's a great man after God. He really is admirable for his heart to serve and care for his "flock." His girlfriend is awesome. I haven't talked to her much to make a respectful decision, but from what i can tell, she rocks ron's world. So therefore, she is to be admired as well. I met her at urbana. So, i know she's serving the Lord in some magnificent way, even if i don't know what it is.

But anyway, after bumping into them, I started to think, i want that. I want a relationship where i can hold hands with him while i shop for groceries. I want a relationship where i know that i will be taken care of. Ron is a good guy, but he's taken.

Just last weekend, I went to Eric's wedding. It was truly surreal watching my older brother get married. He was so happy. He and Huong are so cute together. God has so much in store for them now that they are married. I remember they played "let's stay together" by al green and both of them were goofing off on the dance floor. =P (Somehow, i knew that al green would be in the wedding.)

I wholly respect eric and huong. They are an awesome couple reaching for the things of God. Eric with his humble heart and audacious will. Huong with her joyful nature and kind spirit. They compliment each other. Eric rocks. He's a good guy because he's my cousin =P

*sigh

In the end, i realize that the characteristics of Ron and Eric evolve because of God. They are not who they are unless God has made them to be humble and strong-willed. I know i am not fully developed into the person God wants me to be to be in a relationship. I want my future husband to have the best of who i am. Until i develop into that woman, my first and foremost lover is my Lord =)

Bleh.

Being sick sucks.

I saw Daniel, Steve, and James at the mall. That made me happy.

My throat hurts. God please love me.

Highlight of the day.

I got mail today! i hardly ever get mail! What makes it even better is that it's from Jen! i love it! THank yoU!

She sent us Allen girls some collectibles =P

But let me tell you what else made my day. I went to chinese class. I was seriously considering skipping but figured that since i was already at the student union, i should go to class. So half the class was gone, all the guys were gone, and i didn't have a book to bum off of, but it was nice. =)

But anyway, so i have this small box in which jen sent her stuff in. after class i picked up my box and was about to head out of class. I bid my teacher farewell and he looks at me and then at my box, points and exclaims, "box!" and giggles.

HAHahHAHAHAaAhHA

=\ i'm easily amused, sorry

I am Squirrel Murderer.

Dang. I was driving to Russell Hall to pick up Sarah and Sami to go to church. I was right along Dutton Rd. I saw a cute squirrel in the middle of the road right on the yellow line. He was holding a nut of some sort. He stood nearly a feet tall, as if he was about to conquer that piece of nut. As I pass by gazing at how proud he was of his nut, i prayed and hoped that he would keep his stature and not run to the sidewalk. As I was just about to pass him, he decides to gun it. He makes a fast move under my car. But unfortunately, I heard and felt a THUMP under my tire.

sad, isn't it?

We're in the playoffs!

AFC guys rock at football. We start monday!


top: ron, james, pham, steve, sam, hiro, daniel (captain)
bottom: aaron, philip, caleb, peter, john


ending prayer =)

God overwhelmed.

you are all i want
you are all i need
you are all i seek

there is no other
who can grab a hold of my heart
like you can
when you whisper in my ear
that you love me.

I wanna dance with you in the bright moonlight, just you and i. let's run away together.