negative ambiguity.

i feel...

regret.
disappointed.
frustrated.
upset.

Things of distress accumulates and i don't know how to deal.

i was a cute toddler...

what ever happened?

i started to pull all-nighters and drink coffee.

good weekend.

I had an exceptional weekend. No classes on friday so my weekend started Thursday afternoon.

Robert came up due to the hurricane (hiricane, as he says it) and visited us in Waco. It was nice seeing him. I found him passed out at Eric's, so cuute! Then Jairo, Eric, Robert, and I went to Memorial to eat dinner. We met up with Eva, Karen, and Elaine! It was so fun! it's been awhile since i've laughed that much with friends. Afterwards, i went to ASA officer's meeting. Very productive, i'd say. Lasted for less than a hour, shortest meeting we had so far. Then on to Jairo's to watch movies. But everyone was passing out so the night was cut short.

The next morning, my dad calls me at like 8 and says they're in Waco because of the hurricane. I was so surprised and caught so off guard. Once they got in, it was really fun. I really do love my family. After lunch we all collapsed in the living room. We took a family nap =) Except once i woke up, i realize that i was the only one still asleep. My dad wanted to eat some good chinese food so they drove to dallas for dinner. Around 7:30, my dad calls and tells me to not eat dinner and wait until 9:00 because they were bringing back food for me. =) Hanna and I walked tigger. That was nice. Then Hanna and I enjoyed a good chinese meal. All in all, it was a nice day to relax and attempt to study.

The next day, I woke up to my mom's voice which was really weird considering i never audibly hear her voice in waco. So amazingly, i woke up at 9:30 without an alarm clock. Then my family left back to Houston. (how i miss my family already) Mika calls (!) and invites me to have lunch at Teriyaki Park. It was nice, kinda weird, but nonetheless nice. Then, my attempt to study with Robert...

Did not happen. I was really sleepy and wanted to take a nice nap. But i wanted to keep Robert company, but every time i'm close enough to turn a page of my reading, my head starts bobbing. After a while, i couldn't stand it, i went to bed. That night, I went to Praise Night at KUMC, which was relatively short, but enjoyable. Then we head over to Jairo's to wait for Sarah. The plan was to go bowling. I wasn't really up for it and kind of hesitant. But once i found out that Howie and Jen wanted to go as well, I was on the bandwagon. Bowling was actually a lot of FUN! Again, it's been awhile since i've had so much fun. All in all, I think Robert had played a big part of my having fun. thanks oppa.

Now, i'm studying for my finance test. wish me luck, for i need it greatly.

0 hours of sleep and counting...

sibling love.

i miss home.

distance does make the heart grow fonder.

it's 3 in the morning and i'm taking pictures of the bags under my small chinky eyes. will i wake up for class later today? I have yet to find out. Meanwhile, i think i'll talk about some good conversations i've had recently. I talked to Hanna about Christians the other day. We pointed out the divisions that we have in AFC and just people in general. For the first time in a while, I felt engaged and using my brain for some good use. I don't think we agreed on any concrete decision, but we did agree that we disagree in opinions about life. I had a good chat with Thomas. For the first time in a while, i voiced my honest opinion of him and he of me and it felt good. It's as if we connected through a few statements and a warm fuzzy gently passed through both of us. Last but not least, I talked with Jen. I talk with her all the time. But it's those conversations where we're both real with each other that make our relationship work. I care for her judgment/opinion and she cares for my judgment/opinion.

God is good. He gives grace through those that love.

sacrifice for accounting.

stress.

When you first meet someone you want to impress or befriend, say, a member of the opposite sex, often times you accommodate to them, fulfilling what you think they want in a "dateable" person. Or you finally find a friend that you can trust and have intelligent conversations about God or politics. You mold yourself into the image of a friend or a potential significant other. My question is how thin is the line between compromising who you are for another and changing to be a better, quality person?

I'll be frank. After many hundred hours of frustration, headaches, tears, pain, depression, and utter disappoint, I realize one thing...I ultimately and thoroughly am lost. I don't know what or who to care for. It seems like i've been sucked into a tornado, twisting and turning with debris flying all around me. It seems i haven't grabbed hold of life and in some strange way, life has grabbed a hold of me and won't let me free. I really do hope I find God in the midst of all this trouble in me.

On a lighter note, I went to the gym and had a lot of fun.

homecoming.

back, kicking and screaming.

disappointed.

My father left for las vegas today. He left this morning without even a goodbye kiss from me. I'm kind of upset at him for not saying goodbye. I think we left each other on a bad note the other night and i wish i had the chance to apologize. It didn't occur to me how upset i am for not being able to say goodbye until i realize that i won't see him before i leave for baylor. Granted, i could stay another day and just wait for him to come back. But that means not driving with elaine back to waco. aye.

I miss my dad.

plethora of one-liners.

i know that you don't want to read one-liners when you come to my site. Why do i post one-liners? Maybe. Maybe i have secrets. Maybe i'm keeping things quiet from people for the sake of doing so. Not because i don't trust. I've trusted before to those i thought were commendable for keeping it on the down low. Perhaps i like the idea of keeping my life to myself. I want to be selfish. Knowing that only God Almighty and I know about me, and me alone, is nice...for now.

Yes i have secrets. I like my secrets to be held secret. That's why they are called secrets.

every one has secrets. either from the world or from themselves.

victim of a bad haircut.

i cut my hair again. it's a no deal. =(

bleh.

emotionally exhaustive weekend.

issues with pride.

i am very proud.

It's really hard to hit my core. I rarely let just anyone get passed my guard. Even if one person is close, I end up layering another thick layer of stone. I either lie to them or lie to myself. I want to pretend that i'm just vulnerable enough for you to get to know, but not too much for you to trust me and vice versa.

My past friendships have been disasters. I can never maintain enough contact with an individual to make a lasting connection. One or the other party gives up and both are left bitter and regretful. I'm certain that if i opened up to and trusted my girlfriends now, i'd have the insatiable desire to see where we'll be like in 10 years. But somehow, i'm really hesitant and unsure of myself.

There was a period of time where I didn't want to talk to anyone. I was in so much crap and despair that it didn't matter what my parents said nor what my friends suggested. I wanted to be selfish for a while, drowning in my own fears and desperation. I refused to call those that i cared about, pretending like i didn't care. I didn't return my girlfriends' calls, relishing in my depression. I look back and it wasn't that long ago. But now, I want to. I want to break out of my shell. But i'm taking extremely small baby steps.

Is drama really there? Or is it out of your own imagination? Men don't usually have the trouble of getting into conflicts with other men. But why do women fuss over petty scenarios with other women that have the potential of occuring but will most likely, not. I'm trying to avoid the womanly thing to think that there is drama between myself and other women. But i just can't help it. Was it something i said? Something that i did? Something that i had stuck between my two front teeth? What is it that I just don't get and other girls do?

I want to ask others but i'm too prideful to call.

yum yum yogurt.

i went to the fridge to get a yogurt...mm yogurt. I take a scoop of it. yuum.

Doh! i already brushed my teeth...

oh well.

a lot of things are on my mind.

I believe in tough love. But i can't handle it when i'm the recipient of it. I don't know. I guess i'll be vulnerable once again. I've been having a hard time at home because i don't get along with my mom. I often think that she doesn't love me as much as she loves my brothers. She herself states that her mother never paid much attention to her. I believe an upbringing can shape a person's personality so much. Therefore, it's quite obvious my mother takes after her mother, smothering the boys. I want to say that she loves me the same as my brothers but her love for them exudes differently. But i'd be lying to myself and to my audience. She (and my dad) have been criticizing me ever since i remember going to grade school. You must be better than her. You must do better than this or that. And when i'm there crying on my bed, tears flowing like the waterfall, she expects me tell her how i feel inside. it's sad really. i don't know what i'm trying to say. But all in all, i feel like a hypocrite sometimes because i preach it but i don't accept it.

i'm obsessed with samurai champloo. I finished the anime and yearn for more of it. it's insane. a year ago around this time, i was obsessed with naruto. it's just a fad. I'll grow out of it, i hope.

yum yum chaa. =)

December 02, 2004

When I think about it, I've become listless. I've been so caught up in what's going on, what I need to do that I’ve grown calloused and numb to God. I know that I need to change but I don’t know how. I’m thinking it’s the environment I am in, the people I associate with and my flesh. I’m constantly struggling to breathe. It feels like I’m drowning in quicksand grasping for air as I frantically try to escape from the endless downward spiral of the insidious sand. God, I don’t know what I’ve done to go through this kind of hell. Please show me. Give me wisdom to discern. I don’t want to be stagnant in my faith. I want you to be on my lips all my days. I want to live for God and for God alone. I don’t live for anyone else. Not another person. Not even for myself. I’m lonely, God. I need you now more than ever. I miss you so much. Consecrate my body for You and You alone. If you are willing. As you will it God. Maybe I’m meant to be with you right now in heaven. Please take me out of this wretched body. I wish to meet with you, Oh God.

i am blessed.

i have so many friends who care about me. I have my family that support me. I live in a good neighborhood. I receive a really good education. I shouldn't complain.

I worship a great God.

generosity.

to give without the expectation of return, that is selfless. if you were given the world, would you accept it? sharing is caring, then what's giving? is the value of a person determine by how much he is given? And even if he was given something so wonderful how would he use it as a keepsake? would he place on a mantel to be worshipped? or would he maximize its utility?

i guess it depends on what you've given away.

if you gave me a gift, i would cherish it always.

neh.

Today was the last day of my anthropology class. The class was quite ridiculous. Usually, at university level classes, the professors have the students read an insane amount of pages from the text and in a matter of a week or so, the students would be tested over the material. I was familiar to that kind of teaching philosophy. Assign loads of reading and be tested on it. Nope, not with this anthropology class. The teacher gives us day-to-day notes about random anthropological subjects and tests us over the notes in a few days. For the final? we had notes given to us and then READ to us each class before the final. I didn't learn anything I hadn't already learned.

random question of the day: How long does God lead you into the desert?