It freekin sucks when there's no support system. I miss my support group. When I had problems, I wasn't afraid, I wasn't hesitant.

I am pretty sick of talking about China, about how much fun I had, about how many things went on, and most importantly, about how God moved all up in China but I want to just shake the people in America to death until they know that God is REAL. The reality of leading lost souls to Christ is the most important thing!! I mean, I've lost the reality of sharing about Jesus just from "hanging out" so much in America. I hate it so much. Argggg.

I'm just so frustrated with people.

My heart goes for people. I grieve when others grieve. I'm happy when other are happy. It's like I've gotten back into the routine of people who are "nice". Yikes. I need people who love Jesus that they aint afraid. I don't want to be a chameleon, shadowing the ways of others. Softening myself so that people can stomp all over me.

I need people who would walk up to a complete stranger and say, "Do you know Jesus? Let me tell you about him" I need people to tell me straight up that I got problems, I need to deal with it, and here's what God wants me to do.

Today, I went to a competition for Choir. Dah! Maan, i suck under pressure. I got into the audition room and I was shaking like crazy. My voice quivered that I lost pitch once or twice. Dah! ANyway, it was interesting. I decided to be bold and ask a couple of strangers if I could sit with them. One of the girls was in my English class and the other was just a friend of hers. So they already had a bond and so i was just kind of an outsider for most of the time. Better than sitting alone. I have two new friends now. I can say "hi!" to them in the halls at school! Yay!

Turns out that they're both Christians. They invited me to go to their fellowship tonight, but i couldn't. Why? Well that's another story. They seem to love God from their church attendance, but who's to say that they know God. One of the girls kept talking about her parents and how she can't understand how come they don't show much affection towards her. I reallly really reallly really really really really really wanted to say something to her about my own relationships with my parents. But I could tell God didn't want me to. Cause everytime i opened my mouth, nothing would come out. ANd I dont think she was really talking to me, but to her friend which...duh...is pretty reasonable.

Is me being quiet really who i am? I wasn't quiet in China. But i am here. Hmmm. DAH!

Yesterday, I took a black girl home. She likes to talk. Hehe. Anyway, she was telling me about a friend of hers, Mark Ballard. Earlier in the year, the school had shared tragic news about a student death of Mark Ballard, and I didn't know him at all. However, she was really close to this guy. Even to the point where she had a crush on him. She was telling me about how she had insomnia ever since he passed away. She was in complete shock that he was dead. She didn't even believe it when a mother of a close friend had told her. It was all a dream to her. MAAAAN, what would it be like for me to lose my closest friend? After listening to her, I realized that life is so precious and finding out such news is like breaking a heart in two. I didn't realize it until someone I knew had lost someone close and someone dear and someone she had talked to just the night before the death. maan...