One more, one more. I must pull through 1 more.
One more and the semester is over. I'm really excited. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to go home to see my mom, my brothers, and my dog. I can't wait to go home and start running again. I can't wait to go home and remember what city (or rather suburbia) life was like. I'm super excited to get out of here, at least for a while.
I went to Texas Roadhouse and I ate an 11 ounce sirloin. It was so good but so bad. I won't bothering rationalizing or reason my way out. I was purposely a glutton because I felt like it. Not to say, that you should always do what you feel like doing, but it was nice to eat red meat for a change. Anyway...
The other day, I was driving and thinking about happiness. What would it take for me to be happy? ...Like really happy.
It takes a lot for me to be happy. I can be happy or relatively happy for others. But for myself? I think I'm only happy for others and not for myself. And then I started to think, why is that? Why can't I be happy for myself? It's old news, but I don't think I've done anything really worthwhile for me to be happy, I guess. In my opinion, I haven't achieved any greatness. Some kids have received honors when they graduate. Some kids have scored high on their MCAT scores. Some kids have gotten lucrative jobs. Some kids have boyfriends. Most kids are going somewhere. I'm one of those kids left behind to fend for herself.
And then, Bethena's voice comes in and tells me, "You're too hard on yourself." Why am I so hard on mysef? Why can't I accept that I'm a good student? a good soccer/football/volleyball player? a good daughter? a good friend? Am I really not any of those things? Or am I just second guessing myself?
Well, maybe it's just cause I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of the past. Just when I think I've done something worthwhile, I recall the past, and suddenly, I'm muddled with the mistakes I've made and the problems I've caused or faced.
I want to be content, at least for a little while. I can't remember the last time I was content with life. It's been a while.
Maybe it's a matter of change. It's a matter of choice. If I choose to go after what I want, maybe this time I'll actually get it.
1 comment:
Aww grace! you've been an awesome friend to me! don't live in the past...it's over and done with. We must LEARN from the mistakes we've made from the past so that we don't live it again. Don't regret the things that has already happened...move on and change if u're not content with who you are now. Everyone deserves to be happy and you should too Grace! I wish you the best and I pray that you will be happy! Please let me know if I can do anything for you to help you get there! you're totally awesome and dont doubt that!! Ill see you when i get back from HK (lol).
Post a Comment