bs

This eczema on the left side of my neck is starting to puss, gross.

Lately, a question has been posed in front of me and I keep coming back to it.

"Grace, why are you single?"

A few people have asked me. Surprisingly, men. I don't know if they ask out of curiosity, interest, or pure intrigue. But, I ask myself the same question. I know that I'm a good catch. But as far as why I'm single, I'm unsure.

I'd like to think I'm waiting on God.

The true lines in Jerry Maguire:

J: You complete me.

D: Shut up, shut up. You had me at hello...but lost me at "you complete me".

hello again.

I dreamt about you again. Lisa and I went to your apartment after buying groceries. And we took some time to relax. And I began to wonder how you could've possibly met Lisa-- you two run in different social circles. This would've been when my dream would've turned lucid, but it hadn't.

Why are you here?

super stealth

I went to Memorial Shooting Center yesterday with Joann. It was really fun! At first, I was kind of intimidated by the gun and fearful that I wouldn't be able to handle the recoil. But after a few rounds, I was no longer scared and enjoying my time.

So, as a result, last night I had a dream. I have had this recurring nightmare of being in school again, specifically in college, where I'm on campus or in bed and somehow I keep missing my Tuesday/Thursday class in fear of failing the class. I don't know why i have this recurring dream.

And like most of my other dreams, I'm usually found in the middle of an action scene where I'm only a spectator because I am helpless. But I suppose, after going to the range I felt empowered. And it played out in my dreams. Earlier on in the dream, I saw a man place a gun into a backpack and the backpack was in close range of me. So, as they were discussing their villany plans, I decided to be stealthy, reach for the gun, and fire a kill shot to his head. I aimed strategically and fired! To my dismay, the bullet bounced off his head. As he charged towards me, I played it off as a joke like "haha, jk. I shot you!" *twinkle eye*

"You're a great catch and any guy would be lucky to have you."

This made my week.

I'm a big cry baby

tears

I went to the bank to get something. A new thing that I've started to do is that while i'm there, I'll try on my mother's ring, cry a single tear upon seeing it on my finger with mixed emotions.

On one hand, I look at how beautiful it is and wonder when I'll have the same. The euphoric feeling of being in love and happily married. On the other hand, I think about how my mother wore it on her wedding day. Suddenly I'm flooded with thoughts of my mom.

This mother's day weekend, I felt extremely anti-social, thereby screening all of my phone calls and making the decision to stay home. When will this getting easier?

My friends were saying how the OT was a hard read, and they were patiently waiting for me to explain dispensationalism to them.

I was wearing a red dress waiting for the event to begin. We were ushered unto the red carpet. Instead of taking advantage of the limelight, all I wanted to do was smoke the rest of my cigars. I also felt like one of those female jazz performers that wear tassels on their dresses while anticipating my crush to notice me and sweep me off my feet.

It seems like this is turning into a dream blog. I'm hoping to perform inception in the near future.

I've been overly contemplative lately. Rereading some of my old posts reminds me of how intuitive and analytical I was as a student. How hungry I was for information and trying to soak in my environment. Since I've started to work at a desk job, I try desparately to numb my mind along with my body. After work, the first thing I want to do is turn on the tv and just veg.

I'm afraid if I continue on this path, I'll become a couch potato.

I had several interesting conversations over the last couple of days. I recently rediscovered that men have insecurities just as women do. I think I've been so disconnected from the men in my life that I don't really know how to interact with them. I also think that I've unconsciously put my shield up for the last 6 months. Anyway, what I've concluded from these conversations it that I need to be confident and be myself. The people in my life have loved me thus far, there's nothing I can do to lose them (regardless if I want to or not).

But more importantly, I must do my best to glorify God with my thoughts, words, and actions.

It's been a while since I've had a sweet, surreal dream.

I was out with Joann and Angela. We were in what seemed like a mall. We were browsing through clothes. I noticed a group of guys walked by and were checking us out. I was too busy looking at some clothes and suddenly, Angela was nudging (or pushing) me towards the outer edge of the store and then I bumped into him. My heart skipped a beat and I had to remind myself to breathe. His friends had also "accidentally" pushed him towards me. We both looked at each other and laughed. He asked me how I was and exclaimed that it was so great to run into me. I smiled and said, "likewise." We sat somewhere while the others roamed about. He leaned in and told me that he was really happy to see me. He was explaining that he was just thinking about me. Prior to bumping into me, he had told his friends about me and our past. He said he was delighted to run into me after all this time. Soon, his face had leaned in so close, I thought he was going to kiss me. But he paused and we were interrupted by our friends. They wanted to go watch a movie. As he and I were walking, we were side by side with his arms around me at my waist. And for the first time, I felt safe.

What does this mean?

Lately, I've been really irritated, annoyed, frustrated, or otherwise, angry. For some odd reason, I've been very defensive towards the people around me. I may not have necessarily expressed these emotions to anyone specific. But I couldn't pinpoint where all this hostility was rooted in. It could be a number of reasons at this point.

About a month ago, my mom called me at work and as usual, she started spewing out all the things I needed to do (ie transfer money, pay for insurance, clean, file taxes). My frustration with her is that she's always doing that! It's never been about how am I doing. Or if I'm okay, emotionally. If anything, that comes later after she's made certain that things are getting done. I thought I had left work once I'm home. Even now, I'm tearing up. When she had talked to me that day, she also mentioned the crisis in Japan and told me not to think about going to Taiwan any time soon. And I think that's what tipped me over. Look at what you've done to me. This house isn't even mine. I didn't buy this house. It wasn't my decision to settle down here. I've been working for three years and I have nothing to show for it. I can't even save enough for retirement because of this burden.

They want me to be happy. They want me to express myself. How can I express myself when I am this miserable? If I did, it would only make them upset.

I made sure to distance myself towards my parents. It's easier to do because they are so far away. I even thought about completely cutting them out of my life because then I wouldn't have to be in this much pain...

After I spoke with my mom that day, I burst into tears. It was embarrassing. I ran to the bathroom, praying no one would be in there. Sure enough, my coworker was in there. I ran into the stall and tried to regain composure (which I'm usually really good at doing).

I'm at the end of my rope at this point.

Even last night, after weeks of not speaking, I just have to be numb when I speak to them because otherwise, I'd start crying. I hate this. I really do.

vegas

vegas was crazy, crazy fun. Now, must get back to reality.

February 18 thru 20

Friday
Left for Dallas around 2pm, got stuck in traffic, started to mass text people on the way, arrived at Lisa's around 9ish, had dinner with Mika and Lisa at La Madeleine, went to Steven's place to meet up Zoe, Andrew, Steven, Jason, and Thomas, nostalgia, Star Karaoke, Soju shots, Phuong came with friends, loitering outside, lisa's overnight.

Saturday
Woke up around 10 to start getting ready, met up with Andrew, Steven, and Thomas at Tofu house, so good!, good times, leave by 1:30ish because ceremony was close to the restaurant, carpooled with Andrew, wedding at 2, cried like a baby, left for Andrew's to rest and watched HIMYM Mermaid Theory, reception at 6, cried some more, Knox on Knox with Phuong, Pham, and Abe, Phuong's overnight

Sunday
Woke up, chatted with Phuong, lunch with the girls and Jerry at Fadi's, back to lisa's to open belated bday gifts, leave 4pm

a new year

it just hit me, it's a new year...

2007 - Baylor Graduation
2008 - Golden Bank, N.A.
2009 - Heart Attack
2010 - Rebellion
2011 - ??

season of change

After talking with Jennifer about disliking change, I thought to myself, 'Am I opposed to change?' I told her my viewpoint is that I want change on my own terms...

But change happens to us rather or not we like it. If change does not occur, we are unable to progress, become better people, stronger, wiser, etc.

And we aren't in control of what happens to us anyway. A lot of times, I argue with God about His sovereignty. At my worst, I thought what's the point of trying at all if God is going to do what He wants...

A lot of changes are upon me in my life, and I can't do anything about it-- my complaining thus far hasn't changed anything.

Once again, I must put aside my flesh and pride, and remember how sweet it was to be near God and readily recognize the presence of God in my life... regardless if it's on my terms or not.

human interaction

Thanksgiving Day - Eva and Mika came down to Houston to visit me. It was a hectic morning because I woke up to go for a run and clean a little bit before they came. At around 11, they called and asked me how much longer it would take for them to get to my house. I estimated an hour because they were in the Woodlands. Then I lost track of time, and before I knew it, 20 minutes had passed. So I jumped into the shower and when I came out there they were! lol Andy and Michael were packing, so I guess they let them in. After I got dressed and ready to go, we went out for lunch to House of Bowls where Peter met us up there later. We talked for nearly 4 hours. It was fun catching up, talking about relationships because we were all single, and planning our next vacation. Afterwards, we went home so that I could start making dinner. I made kim chi soup and samgyupsal, and Mika brought a whole ham from Dallas! It was an interesting meal. I had work the next day, so we didn't stay up late.

Black Friday - I worked. Since I wouldn't have time to make the green bean casserole I had prepared to make, I asked Michael to do it. And once work was over, I rushed home to pick up the dish. But while i was on my way home, Michael called and said I didn't buy enough ingredients, so I went to HEB and decided to make a salad instead which would be quick and nutritious. Went to church Thanksgiving party -- fried turkey always so good, baby Audra so cute, and catching up with Lui and Jennifer. After dinner was done, I drove to Tapioca House to meet up Mika, Eva, Sarah, and Peter. Another great time-- talking and laughing. We got home and I passed out.

Saturday - We decided to have Dim Sum with Hongya and Joe at Fung's Kitchen. It was delicious! But poor Sarah. Halfway through the meal, we realized we had forgotten to call Sarah to meet us up for lunch. Yikes! But it was all good because she had lunch plans anyway, so she came to say goodbye to Mika and Eva and drop off the things Eva had left in her car.

It was a nice weekend. I miss hanging out with the friends.

prayer

I asked God to humble me,

and it's been the only answered prayer.

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
Psalm 51:1-19

"instead of victimizing yourself, do something to overcome the situation. -A"

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6

unbelievable

I can't believe what just happened.

My brother mentioned another conference his church is promoting. Two guys named Bonnke and Dr. Crandall. Men of miracles.

And then he shows me a video of men and women receiving gold teeth, gold dust, manna and gem stones in church.

But the pivotal moment is when he decided to talk about false prophets. All these miracles, signs, and wonders are all a part of Jesus' ministry. To say that Jesus has changed is to go against the Bible. Jesus was, is, and will be the same.

John 14:12-14
I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

If anyone teaches contrary to the scripture, he is a false prophet. I felt like he was suggesting that the teaching I've been receiving at church is false and I need to have a grander picture of God. For me to not believe in miracles, signs, and wonders, makes me a "pharisee." The kicker was when he suggested that I didn't know the gospel. I told him that it's not that I don't believe these miracles occur today, but the danger is the focus. If we put too much emphasis on the miracles, we lose sight of that's important here, our relationship with God. The most important thing to me is that Jesus is my Savior and he died on the cross for my sin and rose again to redeem me. "Jesus is our Savior, that's it?"

I replied, "Andy, did you just hear yourself speak?" I was thinking, 'Jesus being our Savior isn't enough for you?'

"Grace, you need to know the full gospel."

And after that, I no longer wished to talk to him.

I'm confused and heart broken.

Mortal Error

"We have tried to secure spiritual pleasures by working upon fleshly emotions and whipping up synthetic feeling by means wholly carnal. And the total effect has been evil." A.W. Tozer