movie freak

i've watched so many movies this month. I've decided to record which ones i've seen.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith*
Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Syriana
The Wedding Date
The Notebook*
Life or Something like it
Million Dollar Baby
Saving Face
National Treasure*
Finding Neverland
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
Pride and Prejudice
Forrest Gump*
Memoirs of a Geisha
King Kong
Must Love Dogs*
2046

things i will never understand.

- why the grass turns yellow once it's winter
- why young basketball players make more money than my mom does
- why the government does nothing about the poor
- why out of all of the days in the year, only 13 days is given for vacation
- why my father criticizes me
- why teachers give so much work in such little time
- why boys break girls hearts
- why each time i cry, my soul becomes more wary of the world

side note: please do forgive me for sounding so terribly sad and sappy. However, i can't hide it. this is the only way i know how to express myself, my blog. this last year has been one of the most trying years i've had in awhile for a number of reasons.

Perhaps one of the reasons why blogs go on hiatus is to hide the fact that life is going so well for them. I don't know. I keep coming back to this place in abyss hoping for salvation. God is my salvation, i know. But a little part of me, the doubtful part mind you, questions if God hears me at all. My parents say i'm stubborn as hell. Maybe too stubborn to heed their noteworthy advice of attempting to be happy. And so, i'm stuck. I'm stuck here where there is no daylight, wandering for a shadow somewhere that leads to a glimmer of brightness.

let's face it, i'm a sad fool.

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

i have three options:

save face and try harder
or
pick a new major
or
pick a new university

daaaahhh.

1 down, 3 to gooo....

i don't want to study anymore. Finance stabbed me, cut me into pieces, threw me into the fire, and after the fire settled, stomped on what was left of me.

so sad.

oppa

i miss oppa.

it was around this time last year that i started to like him. I remember studying in the InfoCommons with him and Hanna and one other guy. He kept asking me who i liked. At the time, i was still recovering from a psuedo heartbreak and i liked the attention that i was getting from oppa.

i knew that i was going to have trouble getting past my bitterness from the heartache. At the same time, i couldn't help this affinity i had developed. I remember i spent an entire night with him and a couple of other friends. We were at the library, we ate dinner together, we went to watch a movie, and went out for another midnight snack.

In some ways, i wish you were here. I wish you were here as i look at the couples holding hands. I can have that. But i can't because you really are so far away.

Maybe this is for the best. This distance. It strengthens us.

dream, full of frustration

i had a dream that sums up how i feel over the last week.

frustration.

I tripped out against everyone i knew in my dream, AFC, ASA, friends, everyone. I threw the biggest tantrum, yelling and screaming. I was completely uninhibited. I was being stubborn and lashed out against everyone that has done me wrong.

wow. i'm internally violent.

can't you see?

can't you see?
my heart is breaking
every second that we're apart
all i want is for it
to all work out in the end

can't you hear?
the words i love you,
to greet you with a kiss
only to find that
i'm greeting the cold air
with nonsensical words

can't you see?
how i long for
intimacy
how i long for
transparency

oh how i wish you could see
these tears that fall
each day for you
oh how i wish you could hear
these songs that i sing
every moment for you

oh
that's right
you can't see
because how invisible am i
to you

i n vi s i bl e

reminiscing on how things were and wishing how things could be.

God is good. Just pray. He'll bring you into places you could have never imagined.

irresponsible.

i've lost my phone. So if you've tried to contact me within the last 24 hours, sorry. Call me at my house phone or email me.

dubious.

i think i may need to consider a new major.

Religion.

I get kinda antsy whenever my management teacher talks about God in class. I think i get antsy whenever a professor talks about religion and isn't a religion teacher. I should expect it cause i go to a baptist school. But. I don't know.

Maybe it's not because my teachers are talking about it, but maybe i've grown uncomfortable talking about God outside of church. How sad.

I remember, God using me at different times in different ways to glorify Him. I thought, all that needed to be done has been done. i guess not. God is reappearing in my life again in a different more subtle way. I hope he stays this time, because i don't know what to do without him.

the air becomes thinner.

It is finally getting cold. One thing comes to mind when the weather starts to change, fall finals are nearing.

Then i proceed to panic mode.

If i've learned anything at all, i've learned that i'll never have enough time for any one thing.

oh and another thing i have to mentioned, as of late, my faith in people has dramatically decreased.

asian fest was a success.

it's time to grow up.

Hebrews 5:13-14
Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's time to get in touch with reality of things. I can't live without God anymore. No matter how much I would want to shut Him out of my life, the unavoidable truth is that i'm helpless without his Spirit in my life.

Quit playing games, Grace. Know Him.

my cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

my throat hurts from laughing and screaming

so far, its a good weekend.

Asian Students Association presents...

ASIANFEST 2005
(2-day event - November 4 & 5)
7:30pm both nights

November 4: PANDAmonium Culture Show
Where: Barfield Drawing Rm.
Extra Info: cultural & modern dances, singers
and orchestra, fashion show, refreshments

November 5: Annual Banquet
Where: Cashion 5th fl. (left of elevator)
Extra Info: semiformal event, Chinese buffet,
keynote speaker Eric Liu (author of The Accidental
Asian and former speechwriter for Bill Clinton)

Ticket prices:
Culture Show: $2 for any student, $5 for others
Banquet: $6 for members,
$8 for non-member students,
$10 for others

Slacker.

I went to sleep at 10. I woke up at 8 to use the restroom. I went back to sleep a few minutes after. Then, i woke up at 11:30. My teacher should never cancel class, otherwise, i sleep 12+ hours.

I had the most surreal dream though. The entire dream's setting was right by the ocean or lake. My family had decided to go on a family trip and it was around the time that i was going to turn 21 (i remember this because my parents were joking about how i could buy alcohol while looking so young in the dream).But once we reached our destination, I ran off to meet with my friends from Baylor. I thought it was kind of ironic that i was on a family trip and end up playing with my friends. But i didn't care. I went to play tag with what seemed like a mix of people from AFC and ASA. One of the girls had a BB gun, not one of the guys, but one of the girls had a BB gun. She and I started to pick up rocks in place of the little pellets. She shot at people and we would start laughing at them right when they got hit. I felt so cruel. At the same time, it was exhilarating.

I think i miss having fun. It's been a while. I know that i laugh once in a while. But i don't remember the last time that i truly had fun where i could be carefree and enjoy life and its blessings. I often vicariously live through the life of others or through the ones i see on media. But that's unrealistic, yes?

I sure hope this weekend will be good.

reminder: do not call oppa.

irritable.

Lately, every little detail has been irritating me. I'm beginning to get a headache from thinking how annoyed i am at life right now.

Just when nothing seems to go right, i want to give it all up and pretend nothing exists. When in the end, it's that nothingness that was irritating me from the start.

maybe i just miss home.

One weekend at Lake Whitney.

Camping trip was really rewarding in many ways.

1. Freshmen had fun.
2. Nostalgia and memories of past AFC retreats.
3. Eating fest of hot dogs and hamburgers.
4. Staying up into the wee hours of the night, talking.
5. Playing mafia.
6. Sharing tents with 7 other girls.
7. Learning that God provides and supplies all that we need.
8. Playing violent Korean games help people bond.
9. Calling Andrew Mr. Po Po.