I dont try to be emotional. It just happens.

I never understood why women are so sensitive. I don't know why I'm sensitive. Subconciously, my hormones take the best of me and I try to figure out my emotions before anything else. I truly don't want to be emotional. I try to put on this "i don't care" attitude....but often times...deep down, i do.

I guess it's the matter of whether or not you want to be vulnerable to those around you.

In many aspects, I do. I avoid the idea of getting close to them from getting hurt. I'm sure those of you who know me personally, hear me say this a lot. But I'm tired of getting hurt by those closest to me. I magnify any situation about 100 times more than it ought to be. I wish God had changed that area of my life, where I'm not so guarded. Where I'm weak but strong, vulnerable but stable.

At the same time, i have to wonder, maybe there's some purpose as to why I'm like this. Also, I'm not arrogant...I know there are other women who can be very much like myself. (I'm just analyzing who I am at the moment)

Dah. I hate it that I stay by myself so much. It's in this manner that I think about myself a bit more than I should be. As well as the fact that I aint got much of a social life. Yeah, I have friends, truly wonderful friends. It's a matter of if I want them to know more of me. Cause more of me doesn't necessarily mean good. It may mean a rollercoaster ride of conflicts, emotion, and cynicism. poo. I pray you guys forgive me, all of you. I'm just a kid with problems.

When I'm with people, I get impatient and cynical sometimes. Then there are other times where I'm just absent minded. Depends upon my mood that day. Hah. Anyway, I learn more of myself when I'm with people. They allow me to open up. I learned in the past year that I'm not shy. Hah. I'm just quiet. Avoiding conversation as much as possible. I shouldn't. I know I'm contradicting my own words, but I'm secretly a schizo.

Okay, maybe the solution to this problem is to find ministry. I found out that when I'm serving God and others, it helps me be clear-minded, where I'm just focused on those other than myself. Or...i dunno. Just something that I've thought about lately.

God, sweet God, you're in control of me.