I feel dumb.

I hate holding grudges. I do! I just can't help it though. When someone hurts me, I hold on to it, I remember it, and I won't let go of it. It's like the plague. It spreads and grows and becomes a big pain to clean up.

Wah. I want to be humble.

It's just one of those days.

Have you ever had those days where you're just running around all over the place, running on little sleep, making sure everything gets done? Yeah, today was like that for me. I don't really know what to think of these days. Yes, I'm being productive and whatnot. But by the end of the day, I'm really drained. This is what it must feel like to have a 9 to 5 job. Imagine that. I'm already a professional.

So update, I got a job, working as a telemarketer. It's funny. You don't really know what it feels like until you become one. People hanging up on you. People yelling at you for bothering them. People politely declining your offer. BUT THEN. There's that one person who's interested. My supervisor calls us the soldiers who are first sent forth to fight the good fight. Haha. Well, I hope my effort will reap good results. I hope I become a better salesman after this job.

Not only that, but I'm still looking for another job. Even though being a telemarketer sucks the life out of me, I'm still wanting to work nights so that I can be even more productive.

Then again...

If I get too busy, I'll forget. I'll forget to slow down and smell the flowers. Nah. I think I'm not the type to become a workaholic. Haha. As much as I like being productive, I love life too much to work my life away. I just like the idea of meeting new people and learning new things and earning some cash on the side all at the same time. This is temporary.

Oye, but then. I have to really find a job after I graduate. That's scary. But it'll be good because I'll have experience under my belt. Good. Good.

I hope I'm not just rationalizing things. Anyway, I'm going to go lay down. I can't believe I woke up at 9 this morning and went through the whole day without caffeine or naps. I'm so proud of myself.

the end.

Summer Movies, yay!

5/25 - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6/8 - Paris, Je T’Aime, Ocean's 13
6/22 - Evan Almighty
6/29 - Ratatouille
7/4 - Transformers
7/13 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
8/3 - Bourne Ultimatum

Content.

One more, one more. I must pull through 1 more.

One more and the semester is over. I'm really excited. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to go home to see my mom, my brothers, and my dog. I can't wait to go home and start running again. I can't wait to go home and remember what city (or rather suburbia) life was like. I'm super excited to get out of here, at least for a while.

I went to Texas Roadhouse and I ate an 11 ounce sirloin. It was so good but so bad. I won't bothering rationalizing or reason my way out. I was purposely a glutton because I felt like it. Not to say, that you should always do what you feel like doing, but it was nice to eat red meat for a change. Anyway...

The other day, I was driving and thinking about happiness. What would it take for me to be happy? ...Like really happy.

It takes a lot for me to be happy. I can be happy or relatively happy for others. But for myself? I think I'm only happy for others and not for myself. And then I started to think, why is that? Why can't I be happy for myself? It's old news, but I don't think I've done anything really worthwhile for me to be happy, I guess. In my opinion, I haven't achieved any greatness. Some kids have received honors when they graduate. Some kids have scored high on their MCAT scores. Some kids have gotten lucrative jobs. Some kids have boyfriends. Most kids are going somewhere. I'm one of those kids left behind to fend for herself.

And then, Bethena's voice comes in and tells me, "You're too hard on yourself." Why am I so hard on mysef? Why can't I accept that I'm a good student? a good soccer/football/volleyball player? a good daughter? a good friend? Am I really not any of those things? Or am I just second guessing myself?

Well, maybe it's just cause I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of the past. Just when I think I've done something worthwhile, I recall the past, and suddenly, I'm muddled with the mistakes I've made and the problems I've caused or faced.

I want to be content, at least for a little while. I can't remember the last time I was content with life. It's been a while.

Maybe it's a matter of change. It's a matter of choice. If I choose to go after what I want, maybe this time I'll actually get it.

Lisa asked, "What was your favorite day?"

"That's hard," I replied. "I don't think I've had it yet."

While I was mentally searching for my favorite day, the first thing I asked myself was, when was I the happiest? Then I started to think, was it with Robert? No. Was it with my family? No. Was it with my friends? No.

Yeah, I haven't had my favorite day yet. What constitutes a favorite day anyway? When you are the happiest? When you are having the most fun? When you've accomplished the highest achievement?

I dunno.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I burnt myself the other day. At first, I was really happy. Why? Because I had a really cool scar that reminded me of Sasuke's cursed seal. However, as I stare at it more nowadays, I'm beginning to think it makes my arm look really ugly (hah) especially since it's peeling off.

I'm totally avoiding studying for finals, by the way.

High School insecurities resurfaced.

Semi-Formal was good. It was strange. I spent the entire day setting up and getting ready for the event, but I was unbelieveably energetic by the end of the night. It may have been delirium.

I went to bed thinking about the night's festivities and fell asleep thinking about all the people that I greeted. Soon after, I dreamed a dream that felt so familiar. I dreamt that I was in a cafeteria with all the people I've met throughout my years in college, the people that have come and gone, all sitting in this one cafeteria. Everyone sitting with their respective cliques. Everyone talking and having fun with the people they chose to eat with. And there I was, walking around until I would see somebody make eye contact with me. Everybody smiled that smile where they acknowledged you but didn't really have anything to say to you, you weren't important enough for them to say a few words nor were you cool enough for them to invite you to eat with them. I walked around some more and I ended up sitting with people I didn't recognize. They offered a seat and before I realized it, they had left, they had finished their food already. That's why they offered me a seat. It wasn't because they were interested in getting to know me. There I was alone, again.

Goodness. This is quite sad. I really don't understand why I feel so alone. I have people that care for me. I have people that love me. I have people. Then why am I so emotional? I dunno. I guess I figured that I would have made more substantial friends while I've been here at Baylor.

In the Land of Women

SO GOOD.

I love movies, I do.

Out of the movies I've seen lately, I liked this one the most. Maybe, it's because I haven't seen that many good movies lately. But, yeah. I think I'm going to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

1. Adam Brody is cute.
2. He moved in with his grandmother with the intention of taking care of her.
3. He was heart-brokened.
4. He took time to get to know his neighbor.
5. He wasn't too cool to hang out with a high school student and her younger sister.
6. He told it like it was to everybody.
7. He tried to cook for his grandmother.
8. He was vulnerable.
9. He was depressed.
10. He was real.

I wish I could meet someone close to being like Carter Webb and fall in love with him and he with me.

quiet.

I no longer have anything to say.

Sugar Free Bowl

Yesterday was AMAZING!

We played back-to-back football games for the entire day! We started at 8:15 in the morning because we were in the losers bracket. We won against VSA. I always like playing them because they're a good match to play against. Afterwards, we went to Cafe Cappucino for breakfast. It was fun listening in on Caleb's random nonsense and other miscellaneous talks at the table. Then Angela and I went to Laiyee's to take a nap. I didn't sleep much because adrenaline was still keeping me excited about playing football. I slept for maybe 10 minutes. Then it was time to watch the guys. I realized that I didn't really get the chance to cheer for the guys the whole day because the girls and I needed to practice. But we watched for a little bit and then started to warm up. They had music playing, so we started to dance and just have fun with it. We played CHI's sorority first. We beat them 25 - 0. Then it was time for the guys to play. The girls rested and once the guys finished, we played again. This time we played AED, the former champions. There was this one girl who was really hardcore. She had dislocated her knee, popped it back in, and scored a touchdown in her previous game. This time around, she hurt her knee again and STILL wanted to play. Hardcore. We ended up winning that game 6 - 2. We were suppose to play CHI-O's, but they forfeited. Next up was ISSA. Angela and I had to leave for KUMC's Benefit Concert. So we played offense and defense and then offense again and then left. We were actually on time at 6:30, and they had free pizza. Angela was really excited for free food. We waited for half an hour before we performed. Unfortunately, our performance wasn't the best. I made a lot of timing mistakes and we bumped into each other a lot. Another thing is we rushed to get back to the game. I hope Esther and Lisa aren't upset or disappointed at us for not being prepared or as prepared as we should have been. We went to Laiyee's rest for a little bit and we had to get back for our 8:15 game. Apparently, it was the team that we had played the night before where we went into overtime. If we win, we'd have to play them again to win the championship. If we lost, we'd lose the championship. We start off really shaky and really nervous. It had gotten pretty cold. By halftime, they had scored two touchdowns. BUT we weren't letting it get to us. We stayed positive and played the rest of the game to the best of our ability. We lost 14 - 0 i think.

I'm so physically tired, but i feel like i had so much fun that all my fatigue was well worth it.

Second place is good in my book. Besides, we beat A team once again! :D

Football Madness

Friday: Game @ 5:00, 10:15
Saturday: Game @ 1:45, 4:00, 7:00, 8:30

That's a whole lot of football.

God-send for Wednesday

Hungry for God
by John Fischer

Our ministry is to serve the needs of believers; our mission is to serve the needs of those who are not presently Christians. The latter can present a problem. You can't really serve someone if you don't know them, but being in relationship with those who aren't Christians can be dangerous. Old habits and old ways of life can come back to haunt us when we are around people who don't share our desire to follow Christ.

For this reason, it may be necessary to keep only Christian friends for a season, but the goal for us all is to be stronger than this. God didn't save us and leave us on earth to band together and live nice, safe little Christian lives until he returns or we die, whichever comes first. We are here to share the good news of God's forgiveness with those who don't know about it yet, and we can't do that without getting close to people who need it. We need to be close enough to people to know them, love them, identify with their need, and serve them without judging them or losing our own hold on Christ.

How will we do this? A couple suggestions to think about today: First, don't ever forget we are all sinners in need of salvation. This will help keep us from a self-righteous and judgmental attitude. We never have a perfect day. We encounter our own need to be saved all the time, because we all sin and fall short of God's glory. We lead people to Christ, not by reaching down to them from a place of invulnerable perfection, but as one thirsty person bringing another to water.

Second, remember that sin entraps everyone. Your friends who aren't Christians may very well have a soft heart to God and the truth but it's covered up by a host of things the enemy uses to blind us like fear, failure, addictions, and all sorts of false coping mechanisms. Success, power, and wealth can blind you as well. We need to ask God for the ability to look past all these distractions to the heart, because at the heart everyone is hungry for God. We were created that way.

Lord, teach us to see people as you see them. May we not give in to the things that once entrapped us. Make us keen to the lie and hungering for the truth today, and help us to find it even in those who don't know you. Remind us that we are all children when it comes to you, even the toughest among us. Show us how to love everyone and stay true to you.

(courtesy of p.cheng)

Icebox

Last year was a bad year. My heart had been picked up and broken and then picked up, but only to be broken even more. So, I started off this year with a resolution. I decided not to care what people think. I chose not to care when I need not care.

Instead, I find myself even more bitter than i was before.

I don't know why I'm so bad with people.

Part of me wants them to be in my life. To be able to have that joy of companionship with friends. Another part of me knows that I'm going to be disappointed. there's no point, grace. Why give your heart, when you know it's only going to be taken away.

Where do i stand? Will I or won't I?

People aren't perfect, I keep telling myself. Everyone makes mistakes. That's what everybody says. Nobody is perfect. I'm not perfect. Why should i expect others to be when i can't be it myself?

Don't think that saying sorry will make everything right again.

I'm not perfect. I don't want people to think that i am. I know that they don't, but my imperfection is also what's keeping me from loving and trusting people again.

I don't believe in saying sorry if I don't mean it. I don't say things unless I mean it. Words carry so much weight to me. Maybe that's why listening is my strength but more importantly my weakness. What people say means a lot to me.

In conclusion, I'm lost. I want to make everything right again. But I don't know how.

hypersensitive.

Yeah. I hate this feeling.

As a child, my parents always complained that i was overly stubborn and super sensitive. It's only when i'm not with them that i learned that about myself.

I hate people. Correction. I hate people who cancel on me. I hate people who make promises they don't keep. I hate people who put up a front. I hate people who choose to neglect others to fend for themselves.

If i hate them so much, why do i let them hurt me? Why do i choose to bring them into my life only to disappoint me.

The truth is, i don't really hate people. I don't. really, i hate myself for loving people too much. I hate myself for letting expectations and hope in people take the best of me. i hate myself most of all for choosing to give my heart when it is only taken away in spite.

So, i must retreat yet again to lick my wounds and let them heal.

please go away.

Austin, baby.

Stacy, Lisa, and I went to Austin along with Thomas, Steven, Jason, and Ron. It was a lot of fun! I hadn't expected to have so much fun. Lisa picked me at 3 and then we went to Stacy's to pick her up. Stacy needed to drop off her keys to Angela so that Angela could take care of Nala while Stacy was in Austin so we went to Laiyee's. Angela and Laiyee were working on the ASA board while watching Love Actually. I love that movie! So we stayed there for a hour watching the movie. By the time it was 4, we realized we needed to pull ourselves away. So we said our goodbyes and were off to Austin! I fell asleep on the road.

But we made it Round Rock around 5. We shopped for a while and the guys showed up. So we made plans to meet with Elaine, but Lisa and Stacy had other plans.

We knew Wong Fu was going to be in Austin showing their movie "A Moment with You." So, we went to go see if we could hang out with them while the movie was being shown. Because while they were at Baylor, we watched the movie and they sat in the corridor doing their own thing. So we assumed they would do the same in Austin. When we got to campus, I got really nervous as we were walking to Burdine Hall. I felt like a stalker but I didn't want to mention it. Once, we were inside, we heard Philip talking. Stacy walked across to the other side of the hall where there were these vending machines. She kept motioning me and Lisa to go where Philip was. She mouthed, "I feel like a stalker!" But I couldn't get enough courage to walk up to Phil. Suddenly, Lisa went across to where Stacy was. While they were devising a plan, Elaine calls so i step outside for a minute. She asked where we had parked. I told her and went back into the BUR. I couldn't make out what Lisa was saying but before i knew it, Phil came walking by while he was on the phone! Stacy and Lisa's expression on their faces were priceless. I wish i had a camera to capture it. He had remembered Stacy and we talked with him for a little while.

Once Elaine had arrived, we catched the last part of the movie. After their Q&A session, I was rushed to exit the room where the screening was being held. But before that, I noticed Minhduc and Linda were sitting in the front seat. I was so surprised. Then the UT business students were inviting people to come up to the stage for the guys to sign autographs and take pictures. So Lisa and I rushed up to the stage to take one last picture! I was really surprised and happy to realize that they hadn't forgotten me, they may have not knew my name, but they did recognize that I was from Baylor...maybe.

Afterwards, we drove around Austin looking for a place to sit and eat. We ended up at Trudy's. I had a margarita. It wasn't bad at all. Then we went to Elaine's to check out her new apartment and to figure out how to assemble her new futon. Steven and Ron had gone to Ron's place to check his place out and would meet them at Crown Plaza. It was very nice of Steven to arrange that for us. Once we got to the hotel, we settled down. Thomas was still really restless so we played 21 with shots. Afterwards, Lisa, Jason, Thomas and I went to Denny's to eat. It was fun hanging out with Jason and Thomas. Once we reached the hotel, we passed out.

The next morning, I was the first to wake up so I took the opportunity to take a shower. Then I felt like the mommy of the group as I woke everybody up with my soothing maternal voice, "Time to wake up, my children." So everybody dragged themselves out of bed. Soon enough everybody had finishing showering, changing, getting ready and then we sat ourselves in front of the television to watch Nanny McPhee. I thought this was a highlight of the trip because none of us could pull ourselves away from the TV. It was cute. I felt like we were all children again with our eyes glued to the TV with fascination. I liked that movie a lot. So wondrous.

Anyway, it was time to eat! I was so excited to go eat Korean food, even more excited that it was CHEAP korean food! Yay! I had kim chi soup and shared a plate of bulgogi with Elaine. Afterwards, we go to Coco's to get tapioca. Then we went picture crazy with self-timers on campus near the tower. It was fun! Then it was on our way back to Waco. I fell asleep on the car again, but before i knew it, we were back in Round Rock. We went back to buy Stacy's boots and Lisa's peek toe shoes.

All in all, a very enjoyable weekend.

i have issues with intimacy.

thanks.

eHarmony profile.

Agreeableness: taking care of others or taking care of yourself.

You are best described as:
USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS

Words that describe you:
Understanding
Unquestioning
Humane
Selfless
Gentle
Kindhearted
Gullible
Indulgent

A General Description of How You Interact with Others
Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you. But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.

Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.

Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character.For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.

A change, if you will.

I've decided.

I'm going to be myself more.

This year. I've resolved to not care about what people think. I've decided that I'm going to be the person I choose to be, not someone everyone else expects me to be.

How much of my life do I live for God and how much of my life do I live for myself?

I was thinking that the other night. I'm finally at that point where I can be relatively content with who I am and where I'm at. But God doesn't want me that way, does He? He wants me to step out of my comfort zone, to be courageous and not settle for anything less than greatness. Sometimes, that means I need to be stripped down of my inequities and be humbled and broken-hearted.

Where is that line where I can be confident and proud in myself and yet be worthy of God's calling?

a note.

It’s been two years since we went to Las Vegas. I just came back from Las Vegas. When I arrived at Las Vegas, I realized the last time I was there, I was there with you. Then I started to think about all that has happened in the last two years. I hate how we ended things. I don’t know if it was my fault or how the circumstances led us there.

I just wish we had made things more clear. I remember asking you about us, but I don’t think I ever really got an answer.

My heart is broken. I’m sorry you had to break it.

I hear you have a girlfriend now. I wish the best for the two of you.

Long day.

I woke up at 10 today feeling kind of happy which was good. I had a final today at 2. It was okay I guess. I was so nervous. My final was for guitar. Aye. I have a real problem with getting my rhythm and tempo in sync. My guitar class was probably the class that I enjoyed the most because I see my progress and see results of my hard work, my time, and my effort. Afterwards, I went home. And a little while later, Mika calls me and tells me that they're shaving Eric's head. I was super excited so I got my camera and ran over to Andrew's to see the event. It was awesome. Eric had a mullet by the time I got there and Andrew did most of the dirty work. Later on, Hongya trimmed and shaped a little more. Just as I thought we were finished, the guys suggest that Eric gets a fade because there was a knick on the side of his head. So Daniel fixes it. Afterwards, it looked a lot better. I was really hungry by this time because I was waiting for the girls to call me for lunch. By this time it was 4:30pm. So Steve and I went to Dairy Queen. Then I dropped by Stacy's place. Then I went to Cameron Park to watch Andrew and Anthony burn their books. It was rather cool. Then we went to go eat BW3s and it had only been 2 hours before that I had eaten. After BW3s, Mika and I went to Cheddar's to get dessert. Then I brought my gamecube over to Mika's to play. We played Super Smash Bros for a couple of hours. Then Daniel brought over Mario Tennis and Mario Kart. We played that for awhile. I don't know what time we stopped but I think it was around 2:30am. For an hour and a half, we talked and joked around and interrogated Hongya. It was entertaining. At around 4, the guys decide to go eat and I go with them because I'm still not tired. We went to IHOP and that's the last time I ate.

The point of this blog is what I'm about to express. By the time it's the end of the day and while I'm writing this blog, I'm sad and feeling kind of shitty. While we were at IHOP, we talked about Peter, saying how he was pretty much set once he got to college. His life was in line. And then, we talked about Hongya, saying how he is pretty smart and going places too. Then I asked Daniel and Steve how it feels to be super seniors. Both of them said, "Pretty crappy." Steve said that people are getting jobs, getting into med school, and just getting on with their lives. Daniel said that everybody has left while he's still here in school.

And then, I thought maan, it really isn't that great of a feeling, knowing that you are behind and everyone else is going forward and it seems like you're standing still in time.

And now, I'm just fearful of going home at all. I am a failure and it sucks knowing that.

But you make the best of it...

I can't sleep. Maybe if I sleep I'll just forget all my worries. I hope. Please.

Ramblings.

I had a dream and in that dream, my friends were telling me to update my blog.

So, here am I, updating my blog for you, my friends in my dream.

Man, finals are almost over. I have one more tomorrow. And I really don't want to take it. But I must. I like the feeling of how as each final I finish, the less stressed I feel. But then again, I'm reminded that I have to go home. And home. is sometimes where I least want to be. It's quite sad how I do not miss home. I miss my family but I don't miss that house that I live in. That house should be the thing that I look forward to. My room, my bed, my memories, my treasured gifts from friends. Oddly enough, I'm scared of going home. Maybe it's cause my Dad will be there and it'll be the first time in a year that I'll see him. I'm hoping he'll love me and show enough compassion for me just as that man did for his prodigal son.

In my dream, my dad was in there too. Strangely enough, he was rather depressed. I don't know exactly why he was depressed but he wasn't his usual self or the Dad that I remember before he left for China.

I'm really afraid to see my Dad. There. I said it. I'm afraid to see Dad. I'm hoping he doesn't criticize me or chastise me about my grades or about my body or anything about me that could possibly hurt me all over again.

Another thing that's on my mind, if you guys are curious, is that I'm really pessimistic. Yeah, I know I mentioned this once before, but lately, it's been blatantly clear in my head that I'm very cynical. Maybe I'm not pessimistic, maybe I'm just cynical. I don't take things at face value. I have this tendency to be skeptical. I always push for people to tell me more. Instead of just a few words. Unfortunately, people only want a few words out of me, but that's besides the point.

Anyway, I ramble. I think I just realized my pattern. I hate boys. Because, well, they hurt you. And the worst part of it is that they don't realize that they've hurt you unless you tell them. I didn't tell either one of them. I guess to fake that I'm okay or that I'm strong or that I'm better without you which is all true...but at what price? my broken heart?

My heart is broken at least for awhile. In fact, it'll be a long while before I'm interested in anybody. I should have learned that that first time around.

boys are rotten.

But I have to have hope right? God has somebody in store for me, right? There must be a guy that can take my stubborn-ness, my cynicism, and my depression, right? I hope he doesn't take me at face value. That would be a bummer. I hope he takes the good in with the bad. I have good qualities. Actually, I think I'm an awesome catch. Boys should be lining up to meet me. haha. But only in my dreams right? yeah. But it's okay. I'll live only for God now. That's all I really want to do anyway.

Christmas wish-list

Since I have a couple of hours to spare before i study for another final, I've decided to compile a wish-list.

• a peacoat
• a wii
• an apple shuffle
• puma shoes
• nike shocks
• GAP hoodie
• Love Actually
• and a boyfriend (preferably Rain or Justin Timberlake)

:)

dah.

it happened aagaain.

I saw a guy. Mixed. Tall. Stylish.

Immediately, I was attracted.

But of course, he's got a girlfriend.

Why does this happen to me? Why am I always attracted to guys that are taken? For once, I'd like to meet boyfriend material that isn't already a boyfriend!

Rant.

Again, I fall short.

I hurt my lower back.
I twisted my ankle.
I lost my voice.
I walked in 20 degree weather in a skirt while wearing sandals.
I also got my period.

It's just one of those days where you're like... "What the hell was I thinking?!"

Stacy's right, I'm a little moody.

Maybe it's the holidays. Maybe it's finals' time. Maybe it's cause i'm lonely.

that's it. that last one.

Again, the weather gets colder and BAM! i have this need or desire for intimacy or closeness with a guy. I guess it's always been this way. I got a compliment from someone, I was super happy. Then, I saw a couple today holding hands and i started to cry. Then, somebody irked me just a little bit and i blew up inside. My emotions are all over the place. I'm super emotional and it distresses me to no end. I hate instability. I hate that I can't control myself and my hormonal changes. I hate how one thing can make me happy and how another thing occuring immediately after can make me so upset.

I hate being critical of myself and of others. I hate judging people based upon their merit. I hate competing with everyone to get somewhere I don't necessarily want to be. I hate pretending to be happy. I hate being alone. I hate knowing that at the end of the day, all I have is myself to deal with. I hate dealing with myself.

I can't be alone.

i suck at life.

i've been depressed lately.

i can't really put my finger on why i am like this exactly. i feel so useless. i keep trying to put up this image of always being happy about life and what it has to offer. But really, what is it about this life am i really happy about? God tells us to rejoice always.

rejoice always.

i don't know what that means or i don't really know how to do that. I really don't know if God is on my side anymore.

i've been in so much stress and in so much pain that i'm so confused. Confused about what keeps me from jumping off a cliff. What makes me wake up each morning and forces me out of bed.

TAX ACCOUNTING.

I hate you, tax.

I've been thinking, why am i attracted to unavailable men?

I recently meant this guy and when i saw him, i instantly thought he was cute, not necessarily my type, but most definitely cute. Just when i thought we might be friends or even more, i find out he's married!

My theory is (in no particular precedence):
1. all the good ones are taken
2. i want what i can't have

How sad.

Fall Break.

My Fall Break has gone to waste. I didn't do anything! I was suppose to study for my two tests and one quiz in the last two days, but i just bummed around and slept. I think i've been emo lately.

I put Snow Patrol's "Chasing Cars" on repeat. The song makes me want to forget all of my worries and pains. But it's not as easy as the song claims it to be.

On a lighter note, football has been going great! We've won two games and we're in the playoffs! it's an awesome feeling to know that all of our hard work is paying off.

Addiction.

Mika and I were talking about addictions the other day. I was concerned that she may become addicted to coffee since she started to drink caffeine regularly.

She asked if I had any addictions. And I thought about it. When I went through my adolescence, I was addicted to self-loathing; hating who I was and the mistakes I've made. When I first got to college, I was addicted to him. After that, I got addicted to anything that could make me feel remotely better; partying, boys, whatever. Now that it is my senior year...What am I addicted to?

Well, as of right now, I think I'm addicted to trying to get in shape. I wake up each morning, look into the mirror, point out my flaws, and move on to eating less and exercising more for the day. Last week, my body has gone through a lot. I think my body is just now getting into the groove of exercising each day even though I ran over the summer. I played rooftop football countless times. I played basketball with the guys on Friday. I ran the trail a couple of times. I practiced flag football yesterday. It feels nice being active.

But truthfully, I really want to be addicted to Christ. It's so cliche. But I run towards things or people that only satisfy me temporarily. Jesus is my living water. And I would much rather spend my night getting to know Jesus than trying to figure out what to do next. Once again, I've compromised my hunger for Jesus for temporary satisfaction.

I want to live wholly for Jesus.

She asked, "Weren't you guys like best friends?"

I replied, "Yeah."

"Okay, well. I won't talk bad about him, then."

Wait. Were? or Are?

I'd like to believe we were best friends. If anything, really close friends. But I thought all of that has come to an end. Has it really?

less really is more.

Life is so much better without drama.

I wouldn't say I was completely productive this weekend, but I would say that I got a lot of stuff done with a few hours of leisure in between. The first week of class is always hectic for me. For some reason, this last week was abnormally stressful. The classwork is building up already. yikes! I need to keep on top of my game.

The downside is that I haven't really gotten the chance to run. Complications always arise. This week. This week I say. I'll run the beartrail.

Life is so much better lately. I'm more peaceful, more calm about life. I think I've given up on taking control. Giving my life to God is a much better option.

My Quirk

If i had a thing that i do, it would be...stating the obvious.

Boy Meets World.

After finals, I decided to numb my brain as I usually do after tests. I watched Boy Meets World. It's the show that I grew up watching. How sad. The show I grew up watching. It's as if my adolescence was so long ago. Anyway, the episode was the one where Corey and Topanga decided to see other people. Corey saw Topanga kiss another guy (Shane West - yumm). He told Topanga how it hurt him to see her kiss another guy only two weeks after they broke up. She didn't know what to say. Corey suggested that they might as well not be friends anymore and stormed off.

I would be Corey in this case.

I think that's what I do. I shut people out once I've realized that they've hurt me. But isn't that normal? Doesn't that happen to everybody? I dunno. I've done it to a handful of people in my life, a few being family.

The episode also made me think about relationships. Is it really possible to be friends after you've gone out with someone and broke up with them after awhile?

Of course, by the end of the episode, they were friends again. But that didn't happen to me. My once friends, I no longer even keep in touch with. Maybe that's the difference between reality and television. Things don't always work out.

I broke down today. It feels liberating, but also saddens me.

Taking a little break never hurt anyone.

TWO FINALS TOMORROW...OR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS...

I realized that I am really far-sighted today. I also realized that I'm more like my dad than my mom.

I was studying for my finals. I rested my head on my arm while I studied. But for some reason, the words were blurry. So I lifted my head and I noticed that as I looked at my notes at a farther distance, the clearer I read the lines. Yeah, I'm slow. But at least, I am assured that my doctor's diagnosis was correct when I was a child. I was always skeptical if I really was far-sighted because usually, only old people are far-sighted...

I talked to mom today. I was really stressed out. And it was the first time I ever told her that I was stressed. I usually don't talk about school so that I don't worry my parents. Her immediate response was, "Only you can control that" not, "it's okay honey, everything will be all right." I always thought my mom was the emotional one. Guess that is just an assumption since she's a woman. But that's not necessarily true. Maybe that's why I've always thought my mom didn't understand. She's not your typical mom. Also, I thought submissive meant soft. But my mom is anything but soft. She has sacrificed and still is sacrificing a lot, but she definitely doesn't break down for no reason.

So, then I thought about my dad...he acts on his instincts a lot of the time. His temper is his sign of emotion. I look back at conflicts with my dad and I realize that he really is an emotional man. I got that emotional stuff from him.

NONSTOP

It never ends!

Live today as if it was your last.

Cause before you know it, your last may be your regret.

restless legs.

I'm diggin' music.

Lately, whenever music comes on, I just want to break out and dance. In the past, whenever there was music playing, I'd be shy and dance with my toes. I want to dance! I would love to take some kind of dancing class, either hip-hop or some type of ballroom dancing. That would be amazing.

I'm in the So You Think You Can Dance craaaze. I love that show. Every time I finish watching the show, I want to either go the gym, go run, or go to a club. I get an adrenaline rush from watching them dance! Therefore, it makes me wanna dance and burn off energy.

I miss dancing...

Lately, I've been having so many dreams. Dreams about friends, family, career, school, past relationships, and my game.

A lot of the dreams were very disoriented. Some are nice dreams for my ego. Some are upsetting dreams about my past. Some just don't make any sense.

But the dreams I wish to have, I wish were about you.

I feel sad. Sad that life is passing by so quickly. Soon, I'll have to grow up which is okay by me. But one day, I know that I'll be nostalgic about the time I'm in right now.

inadequate and depressed

My family means the world to me. Even though we don't express our love like other families do, I now know that I can't imagine living life without my parents or brothers. Even now, my dad is in China. I miss him. He really does spoil me with love.

Lately, I've been feeling so guilty. Because I do wonder if i've been wasting my parent's money and time at Baylor. I do wonder if they'll ever be happy for me. I do wonder if they'll ever be proud of me. Maybe that's why I feel so inadequate. I haven't ever made my parents proud. I haven't ever made my parents proud because of something I've done, maybe for who I am, but i've never accomplished anything significant in my life.

I want somebody that makes me feel good about myself. I need someone that makes me feel good about myself.

I can be your hero, baby

SUPERMAN RETURNS

GO SEE IT! I absolutely LOVED the movie! it was soo good. Kate Bosworth was okay. I think Natalie Portman would have been a better Lois Lane. Kevin Spacey was incredible as Lex Luthor. Finally, I loved Brandon Routh as Superman. I think he's absolutely GORGEOUS! He is really hott.

During the movie, I couldn't help (once again) feeling utterly smitten by a handsome man with charm, chivalry, and overall, compassion. I thought, "I want my guy to be Superman." I don't mind being Lois Lane, at all. I also think that I'm not alone in having these inappropriate feelings for a fictional character. haha.

bridget jones's diary.

I just did the unthinkable. I watched the same movie twice in one night, back-to-back. I'm insane. I'm also a procrastinator. I have a project due on tuesday. It's worth nearly a third of my grade. Aye.

I can't get over it. I want a man like that. He is the nice guy that didn't finish last. He is the ambitious guy that knows what he wants out of life. He is the romantic guy that is willing to be vulnerable to the woman he loves. --sigh--

Two quotes that I absolutely love by Colin Firth:
"I like you -- i like you, just as you are."

"In vain have I struggled, it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

I wonder how hard it really is to find a guy once college is over. One of my friends say that the best time to find a mate is in college. Once you hit the real world, things just get harder. Great. It's hard enough as it is living as a college student. Life after couldn't be much worse, or could it?

I'll daydream some more and i'll get back to you. As of now, I'm single [not that i'm proud of it nor am i telling the world. simply that i'm willing to be content] and dreaming of my dream guy.

daily visitations, numerous times each day.

mail.baylor.edu
mail.google.com
mail.yahoo.com
facebook.com
flickr.com

I'm fine, i think

I'm just now coping from my break-up. I don't know. It's something I just don't understand. I think, initially, guys are attracted to something about me. But then, once they get to know me and my flaws, they flee! I have problems. Who doesn't? I just thought things would be different this time around, you know?

He's just not that interested in you. Right. That's right. Who cares? I don't. Because the guy that really was interested in me, wouldn't let me go.

Do i care? maybe i do.

This relationship thing sucks. I found out about two engagements in the last semester. It's crazy. I can't believe people are already getting married, and here am i, sulking about the doom of my love life.

Oh well, we move on. Life sucks. BUT. God is good.

phone call.

a few things i learned tonight.

my mom knows me. my dad has faith in me. my brother forgives. my heart is hardened.

when will i ever be content.

dreams.

i had one of my most darkest dreams last night. A couple of my friends and i were at a family's home. At first, the family seemed pleasant and friendly and sane. After spending a day with them, i noticed something was going on. It seemed as if they were possessed in a way. The father was hardly around and whenever he was he had this sulky aura about him. The mother was overly protective about her children. The boys were confused and seemed sexually frustrated. The entire time i was there, i felt like they were possessed and at any moment they would come and haunt me. One night, they were having a party and the two boys were sitting with a guy who seemed like a shadow himself. It was really creepy. I felt like wherever i went, they would be lurking about, stalking me with their incestuous spirits. It was a gross. I woke up disturbed. I scared myself so much that i awoke. And for awhile i couldn't sleep. I then i prayed. I felt back to sleep.

But then, I had another dream, which seemed like a continuation of a past dream i had. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. One of them couldn't finish her drink while i was ordering mine. So i offered to finish hers, even though i knew that i couldn't take much alcohol in. Soon the bar closed, i finished my drink and ran out the door. Two other girls were running to their cars for some reason. I followed suit. Then i couldn't find my car where i had originally parked. So i ran towards the lot where they tow cars. I found my car by unlocking with it with my key. But suddenly, i realized a man was right by my car. It seemed as if he was trying to jack it. But then he started to move towards the red car on the right side of my car. But as soon as i was at my door, i opened it and the man was sitting there in the passenger seat with a gun in his hand. I was petrified. He told me to take him home. I told him i couldn't. Then he cocked the gun and told me to take him home with a more stern voice. I made him promise that he wouldn't hurt me if i did. he nodded. But while I was driving, i got so nervous that i started to cry. As soon as i asked where am i going, i saw from the corner of my eye the gun being point at me. I woke up right when he had shot the gun.

I think I am most contemplative at night. There's nothing else to occupy my mind; no agenda, no classes, no errands, no people. All I have is myself in my head.

I am going back to houston this weekend. I'm kind of scared about going back. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm going back to pick up my dog and bring him here to my apartment while my older brother is in california for a conference, and my mother and my younger brother is going to China to visit my father, and I'm taking them to the airport. I'll be in texas all by myself, well with my dog of course. It's odd. I never thought about it, but I've been living by myself for a very long time. Yeah, I depend on my parents financially, which is a big part. But i never really needed them otherwise. Once I get my own job, I'll have to really live on my own. What a frightening thought. Did i ever tell you that i'm afraid of being alone? i am.

Jennifer is in florida. Elaine is in DC. man, i miss them.

celebration!

21 years ago today, a baby girl was born. Her name was jennifer. she rocks!

reflection.

I looked into the mirror.

"You're beautiful" i said.

fanatic.

I am a MOVIE-FREAK.

No matter how many times I may have watched a movie, I can still manage to waste my time watching it again. I keep telling myself to pull away from the television. TV is bad. It robs you of your time, your brain, your life. aiye. Maybe another day. Maybe I'll surrender another day.

Movies i've watched in the last month:
Bend it like Beckham
Happy Gilmore
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Da Vinci Code
Matchpoint
The Family Stone
While you were sleeping
Elizabethtown
Mona Lisa Smile

Movies I want to see:
X3: The Last Stand
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Happy Feet
Kinky Boots
Derailed
The Break up
You, Me, and Dupree
The Lake House

When I watch movies, I get so tied into the plot that I don't necessarily recognize the holes and pitfalls. There's my empathy for you. Therefore, i get easily swayed and emotional. Horrors are no good for me. Because I can't see past the movie and realize it is all gimmicks and story-telling. Man, even typing about horror movies is giving me the creeps.

Anyway. I need to face reality. I can't keep thinking my life is like one of those fairy tale movies. Prince Charming isn't going to come knocking on my door. My career isn't going to fall into my lap. My family will fight but won't necessarily make up at the end. Life isn't a movie. Life is real. I need to face it. And stop living in my own little wonder world.

reminisce.

I miss you.

I miss knowing you are by my side.
I miss knowing you will be there at a second's notice.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss arguing with you about life issues.
I miss cuddling with you when it's cold.
I miss the silence we had between us.
I miss the idea of you in my life.
I miss the reason why i was with you in the first place.
I miss you, I do.

So many things i've let go in my life up to this point. I wonder if all these things lost went towards the greater good of humanity.

or rather the greater good of my existence.

I'm afraid of what will happen when i am alone.

it's weird. I find that whenever i'm alone, i become my own worst nightmare. I revert back to my old sad nature. I begin to think about what has happened in my past, afraid of what i'll remember. When i'm alone, i'm alone with my thoughts, my selfish desires, my lustful flesh.

I fear being alone.

I have to recognize that when i'm alone, only God is there with me. God is not only found in me when i'm with people. But He's probably with me the most when i seek after Him in the quiet stillness of my aching heart.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't lie to myself nor can i lie to God. I can't live without God and his majesty.

ASA:
-Successful AsianFest with our FIRST Culture Show
-FIRST TIME EVER having Chinese New Year on Baylor Campus
-WON our first trophy at StompFEST 2006
-WON Student Organization of the Year

I'm so proud.

survey

YOU CAN ONLY TYPE ONE WORD, NO EXPLANATIONS.

1. Yourself: Contemplative
2. Your Boyfriend/Girlfriend: vague
3. Your Hair: dark brown
4. Your Mother: Beautiful
5. Your Father: Demanding
6. Your Favorite Item: Pooh
7. Your Dream Last Night: Sad
8. Your Favorite Drink: Water
9. Your Dream House: Modern
10. The Room You Are In: Shared
11. Your Pet: Tigger
12. Who You Are Now: Lazy
13. Where You Want to be in Ten years: Seattle
14. What You Want to be in Ten Years: Successful
15. What You're Not: Outgoing
16. Your Best Friend[s]: nonexistent
17. One of Your Wish list Items: happiness
18. Your Gender: female
19. The Last Thing You Did: walk
20. What You Are Wearing: boyish
21. Your Favorite Weather: cold
22. Your Favorite Book: Bible
23. The Last Thing You Ate: candy
24. Your Life: sucks
25. Your Mood: depressed
26. Your Room: cluttered
27. Your Sport: swimming
28. Your Hobby: sleeping
29. Your Job: student
30. Your Crush: korean

Maybe things are better left unsaid.

I want to tell you. I want to tell you what's in my head. I want to tell you what i think of you. I wish to share my innermost thoughts. I wish to give you details to my daily wonderings. I wish to convey to you the depth of love and hate i have for you. I wish you could hear the thoughts of my head. I wish you could see in my eyes the tears that have fallen for you. I wish you could tell me that you understand. I wish your ears were quick to listen to my aching heart. I want you to be open to my words. I want you to be the better person. I want God to shake you into sense. I want life to make more sense. I wish that feelings were shared. I wish you were here.

I wish you could see. The love. The hate. The good. The bad.

I wish you could hear me.

I wish things were easier. In the end, maybe it's better if things are unsaid.

Elderly grace.

A first, ladies and gentlemen.

Last night, I went out with a group of friends to a party in Austin. And for the first time, the very FIRST! I was the oldest in the group. It was a very surreal moment the time that i realized it. Now, the realization is all over the place. This year will be the year where a LOT of people will be looking up to me, regardless if i'm a leader or not. Just because I'm older than most of the students on campus, everyone will be watching me. It's different than being a senior in High School. Maybe, it's because i've tried to maintain a reputation since I stepped onto campus. Maybe, it's because I care about what people think more and more. Maybe, it's because experience comes with age. Maybe, it's because life seems to become more complicated the more things i learn.

I've been through many battles; with God, with family, and with friends. This is probably one my biggest battles: a battle with myself.

struggling to find air to breathe.

friendship.

i can honestly say that i don't have any one person for which i can say, hey, she is my best friend.

lately, i've been lonely. Maybe it was because spring break was pretty much me staying in the house waiting for my family to come home. Maybe i've come to realize that there's never a moment where i can be completely content. Maybe life has become too redundant for me to care.

Today has been mentally exhaustive. I can't figure out what i want to do with my life. I was walking home from class and i kept wondering if what i'm doing is honoring God. Is accounting what i want to do for the rest of my life? Do i want to have to submit to others? Can i stand looking at numbers for long periods of time? I had an interview for an internship next year. The interview itself went well. I am confident in who i am and what i believe in. The only problem i have is being assertive and tenacious. To get into the business world is not an easy task. But then, i thought, i love to talk to people. I love to be in fellowship with people and receive my blessings from getting to know how people think and work. But how can i find a job fitting for that? And then something happened this weekend that triggered a thought in my head. Why are people so exclusive? I don't understand why i have to walk on eggshells so that people aren't hurt. If I go to one thing without inviting an uninvited friend, i hurt my friend. If I go to a friend's thing and invite someone, i hurt my friend for inviting someone without their consent. It gives me a headache. Maybe it's better that i don't get invited to anything at all. But then i think well if i'm not invited, then are we really that great of friends? Because obviously, if the way they think of me is the way that i think of them, then shouldn't they consider me as an invitee? I would invite them. Then again, i'm not really into hosting things. And then well if i plan things what happens if people back out? I know I should be understanding and considerate, but it makes you think. Was there any point where the other party was considering my opinions or what i had to say about the situation? And then, well, at what point do you tell someone that a comment they made was offensive and somewhat insulting? Again, I'm not the kind to be abrupt and get upset instantaneously, but really, was there a point where the other party thought about what i thought or how i felt. I'm also beginning to feel that i don't belong in any one place anymore.

Man, i've been really moody and contemplative. I think i need to rest. My head is beginning to ache.

I think i'm going to try finding the secret of being content in God.

inane.

I woke up, I glanced at my phone, 7:15, and I went back to sleep. I had the worst time sleeping last night. I kept tossing and turning, hoping whatever position I end up in will put me to sleep. Have you ever had those nights? Where you can't sleep? It's as if God is preventing you from sleeping for an incoherent reason?

I dunno why. *shrugs

The next time i looked at my phone, 11:40. I thought, I can't believe the week of my spring break has already passed. Sometime this weekend, i have another 3 hour trak to Baylor. Ugh. I still have a bunch of errands to run...

Happy St. Patrick's Day! It's time to PARTY! (not really.)

insecurity.

I've been thinking about it lately about women's insecurities. It is the most common weakness that i've found in myself and in other women. I've noticed that the commonality between women is our insecurity, our inability to be content with ourselves. We're always thinking we should be at a level above where we are.

Inferiority complex.
n. A persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to self-diminishment, sometimes resulting in excessive aggressiveness through overcompensation.

Can we ever get rid of this idea that we're nothing, but rather something. Something beautiful. Something useful. Something FABULOUS.

Proverbs 31:10-31
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I want to be a wife of noble character. That means I need to start acting like her now.

should i tell?

i had a very awkward dream with two awkward people in it. I converse in an awkward conversation with one awkward person while the other awkward person sat listening to our awkward conversation.

i'll never tell.

Aside from my idiosyncracies...I've learned a few things about myself lately.

i like to do things on my own time. i cannot be rushed. if i am rushed, i get frustrated easily.

i dislike being restricted. i don't like boundaries. i don't like tight clothing, nor do i like being told that i can't do something.

i'm a pessimist to some and then an optimist to others. for those that i can be real with, i'm often a pessimist. for those that i think i have to maintain a reputation with, i'm often an optimist [how sad, wish i could be an optimist all the time]

potter's hand

I've probably made mistakes that I've forgotten
It's all ambiguous now
I'd be willing to take the shape of what you wanted
I could just figure it out

I'm breaking my own rules
Becoming somone else
Well everybody says I oughtta get over myself
I'm thinking I can't move
If there isn't somewhere else
...To go

Things are changing. yeah, i agree. The air is different. No argument there. Time to move on? yes.

i've been feeling many mixed feelings lately. I've been feeling anxious. I've been feeling lethargic. I've been experiencing a little bit of eustress and then some distress. I don't know whether to acknowledge my accomplishments or become more lowly and humble. Maybe studying Philippians is God's way of telling me to serve Him, joyously. Because my successes and my failures are all part of God's plan of molding and shaping. I remember in 7th grade, i was in art. And the best part of going to class was knowing that I would be working on my creation for that day. Whether it was taking a photograph of something seemingly beautiful or eye-catching, or it was adapting a story behind a clay pot, or it was drawing self-portrait with many imperfections, i knew it was my own. Something that i can take home and tell my parents, "hey mom! i made this from scratch!"

And she would nod and say "that's nice." I would be somewhat disappointed in her response.

But deep inside, I felt a tremendous amount of accomplishment. I felt the sensation of knowing that i created something beautiful and unique. It was quite exhilarating.

In the end, that's how God sees us. The process took a long time, with its share of mistakes and failures. However, ultimately, the maker will see her creation as something beautiful and complete and something to be taken ahold of.

starvation.

All i've eaten today are crackers.

i hate you so much.

maybe things were meant to change, regardless if they are for better or for worse. Whether better or worse, these changes are not in my control. So i'm sorry it had to be this way.

so sorry.

Time of Relief.

it's over...

nearly 4 months...

it's done. We've made history! Baylor History that is! First Chinese New Year Celebration EVER! And i was part of that!!

After all that was said and done, people coming up to me and congratulating me...All i can say is "no waay." This event could not have beeen such a success as it was if
not for the people. Up until cleaning time, I wasn't able to enjoy the succes of the event, nor was I even able to stress about it. I just wanted to make sure everything was in place, everyone knew what they were doing, having everything come on time, etc etc etc. As everybody was cleaning up, I sat down at one of the steps. It was a success, i told myself. People liked it. The people who were involved are happy. It was a success. I had to tell myself these things! And then, I yelped, "IT WAS AWESOME!"... and from that point on, I couldn't help but be happy. It was finally over and we made it a success.

The funny thing is. I think it's all God. From the beginning of the project, I have been praying nonstop. Sometimes, I would have dreams about the event. That nobody would show up or everybody would be at each other's throats. As soon as I would wake up, I'd send a prayer up to God and hope that Chinese New Year at Baylor would be divinely graced. You can imagine how much this event meant to me, if you could videotape the thoughts that have been running through my head. But ultimately, i would have to give God the thanks. Because, he believes in me. And that's what makes me go through each day without pulling all my hair out.

Brokeback Mountain.

Man, I'm suppose to finish my paragraph summaries for my Wall Street assignment.

But before i do, I need to get my Brokeback commentary off my chest.

I was suppose to watch it earlier on last week. But somehow, it didn't work out. Originally, i had planned on watching it thursday. But then again, i got busy with random stuff. AFC was fun. I was being a bully with Elaine and Jen. haha fun stuff. We weren't really bullies, but we were having way to much fun making fun of each other and other people...

The next day, i woke up earlier than usual to go to Barfield to start or "practice" decorating. After 4 hours of productivity, Elaine and I venture to the movies. We were kind of in a rush because we hadn't eaten and made a trip to Wendy's with decorating crew. 5 minutes before the show started, we left for Galaxy. Good thing we were in time for the last few previews.

At first, I was confused and kind of taken back by the introduction of Jack and Ennis. But as soon as the story begins to develop, I was drawn into their lives. I think i identify with Ennis. Not that I'm hiding some big secret, but all my life, i have never been really expressive about how i feel. Usually, the times that i've burst have either been in my dreams or in front of a particular person. I'm the kind of person to bottle things up. But as soon as an X factor appears to trigger an emotional breakdown, I start being hysterical. Based on Elaine's reference of elements, i think i would be earth too. I don't think i'm much a water kind of gal. Maybe I want to be perceived as such. But at the end of the day, i'm really earthy.

Jack was Ennis' particular person. I want a Jack. So romantic. So kind. So passionate.

I may be ruining the movie...

Again, I went in the theater as a cynic and was ready to be judgmental about the controversial movie. But, fortunately the story of an undying love pulled me in and shattered all my presumptions about what the movie may have implied. I have to say, brokeback mountain is the greatest love story that i've ever encountered.

Each time they fought, I could see how they were struggling with their hatred of what they cannot change. Yet their love of what they have as destined lovers seemed to have always conquered. sigh. i love it. And every time they met up, it was though nothing had changed and they were back to where they first met, Brokeback Mountain.

I really admire both actors for the work they did in the film. They were truly incredible. There was a scene where Ennis (Heath) cradles Jack's upper body with one arm around Jack's neck and the other over his chest. I really like that scene because the way he positions himself behind Jack makes me think that Ennis is trying to protect Jack and what he has with him. And because he's not expressive with his words, his loving guesstures is proof of his love for Jack.

The relationship between the two men made me realize what kind of love i wanted. I want a love that aside from the consequences of accidental mistakes, my heart will be given to a heart that's willing to be taken away. unconditional love. I want a love where even though i may make mistakes, I'll keep coming back to make up for my mistakes. I want a love where time seems to pass too quickly to grasp.

And then, the relationship Ennis had with his daughter reminded me of my relationship with my dad. As i was growing up, i never understood my father. He didn't love me the way i saw other girls' fathers treated their daughters. As a result, i purposely blindsided myself to think that my father will never take time to love me as i ought to be loved. I cried whenever Alma Jr. tried to reach out to Ennis, and Ennis, in turn, never showed any kind of emotion. sigh.

Overall, this movie makes me sad. Maybe it's a good sad. Brings me back to reality of how cruel the world can be.

"God! I wish I knew how to quit you."

An epiphany if you will.

I had a great urge to swim today. So i got dressed and headed towards the gym. It was kind of a reminiscent feeling on my way to the SLC. I felt like I haven't gone in ages but at the same time, it seemed like just days when i first came to the gym freshman year. I got into the pool. Started off with breaststroke. After a lap, i decided to start my freestroke laps. For a typical day at the pool, i usually like to stay in the pool until i'm completely exhausted or for at least 45 minutes worth of laps. I was energized and ecstatic about being in the water once again. It has been ages since I've swam. I swim for 15 minutes and have already gone countless laps without stopping. I thought, this is great, after all this time, i can keep up my endurance. At this rate, I'll be in good shape before I graduate. I'll become my ideal image of me if i continue to work hard. I'll keep up my grades. I'll get a job. Things will be great! Why didn't I think about this earlier?

And as soon as i started looking back. I started recalling what has happened this last year. The instant i relived my past mistakes, I started feeling sluggish. There was a reason why i had stayed away from the pool for so long. It triggered something deep inside me. I was beginning to feel slow and tired.

Why do i let my past and my mistakes get me down so much? So far, i've been depressed but not to the point where i wasn't hopeful about my future. It's all a matter of my state of mind. If i know that i can succeed, then it's going to happen. I just need to believe it in my heart. If I know that life will be better than going from day to day wondering if there's something better out there, then i'm going to hope and dream for a better way of life.

I need to shoot for the moon. Even if i fall, i'll land among the stars.

Quote of the weekend.

It's funny how a single touch can fix a problem.

elder

Grace, a 21 year old.

who would'a thought?

1/1/05:
This year i want to whole heartedly promise myself and others to be a better person in keeping my resolutions.
Resolutions:
1. tell one of my secrets to at least one person.
2. a random act of kindness given to others as occasionally as possible.
3. live with integrity.
4. read the word, pray, and worship daily.
5. be less critical.
6. love unconditionally.
7. honor my parents.

These are very generalized. Yes, i know. I don't want to promise something that i don't intend to keep. God, help me with the things that i struggle with. Teach me in your ways of goodness. May this year bear fruit so that it may glorify you.

i kept my resolutions to the best of my ability. I'd say I did pretty well. I've been listening to Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential by Pastor Joel Osteen. I recommend it to anyone. I often don't like Christian books that are bestsellers because they've fallen prey to retail gimmicks. But Joel Osteen does have some really really encouraging words. Perhaps the only encouraging words i've heard as of late. He said that even though it doesn't feel like God is there, he really is. In fact, when you feel God the least, that's when God's working in you the most.

I just hope that though this past year seemed like a waste, something or someone has benefitted from my shortcomings and inadequacies in one way or another.

For this upcoming year, i think i should devote myself to the theme of responsibility. I'm going to own up to my age and realize that now that i'm officially an adult, i'll take responsibility for my obligations, my actions, my words, my duties. Also, be aware of my responsibilities toward my parents, my brothers, my friends, etc.

Aja Aja Fighting~~! I think i should also boycott boys this year. WHat do you think?

movie freak

i've watched so many movies this month. I've decided to record which ones i've seen.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith*
Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Syriana
The Wedding Date
The Notebook*
Life or Something like it
Million Dollar Baby
Saving Face
National Treasure*
Finding Neverland
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
Pride and Prejudice
Forrest Gump*
Memoirs of a Geisha
King Kong
Must Love Dogs*
2046

things i will never understand.

- why the grass turns yellow once it's winter
- why young basketball players make more money than my mom does
- why the government does nothing about the poor
- why out of all of the days in the year, only 13 days is given for vacation
- why my father criticizes me
- why teachers give so much work in such little time
- why boys break girls hearts
- why each time i cry, my soul becomes more wary of the world

side note: please do forgive me for sounding so terribly sad and sappy. However, i can't hide it. this is the only way i know how to express myself, my blog. this last year has been one of the most trying years i've had in awhile for a number of reasons.

Perhaps one of the reasons why blogs go on hiatus is to hide the fact that life is going so well for them. I don't know. I keep coming back to this place in abyss hoping for salvation. God is my salvation, i know. But a little part of me, the doubtful part mind you, questions if God hears me at all. My parents say i'm stubborn as hell. Maybe too stubborn to heed their noteworthy advice of attempting to be happy. And so, i'm stuck. I'm stuck here where there is no daylight, wandering for a shadow somewhere that leads to a glimmer of brightness.

let's face it, i'm a sad fool.

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

i have three options:

save face and try harder
or
pick a new major
or
pick a new university

daaaahhh.

1 down, 3 to gooo....

i don't want to study anymore. Finance stabbed me, cut me into pieces, threw me into the fire, and after the fire settled, stomped on what was left of me.

so sad.

oppa

i miss oppa.

it was around this time last year that i started to like him. I remember studying in the InfoCommons with him and Hanna and one other guy. He kept asking me who i liked. At the time, i was still recovering from a psuedo heartbreak and i liked the attention that i was getting from oppa.

i knew that i was going to have trouble getting past my bitterness from the heartache. At the same time, i couldn't help this affinity i had developed. I remember i spent an entire night with him and a couple of other friends. We were at the library, we ate dinner together, we went to watch a movie, and went out for another midnight snack.

In some ways, i wish you were here. I wish you were here as i look at the couples holding hands. I can have that. But i can't because you really are so far away.

Maybe this is for the best. This distance. It strengthens us.

dream, full of frustration

i had a dream that sums up how i feel over the last week.

frustration.

I tripped out against everyone i knew in my dream, AFC, ASA, friends, everyone. I threw the biggest tantrum, yelling and screaming. I was completely uninhibited. I was being stubborn and lashed out against everyone that has done me wrong.

wow. i'm internally violent.

can't you see?

can't you see?
my heart is breaking
every second that we're apart
all i want is for it
to all work out in the end

can't you hear?
the words i love you,
to greet you with a kiss
only to find that
i'm greeting the cold air
with nonsensical words

can't you see?
how i long for
intimacy
how i long for
transparency

oh how i wish you could see
these tears that fall
each day for you
oh how i wish you could hear
these songs that i sing
every moment for you

oh
that's right
you can't see
because how invisible am i
to you

i n vi s i bl e

reminiscing on how things were and wishing how things could be.

God is good. Just pray. He'll bring you into places you could have never imagined.

irresponsible.

i've lost my phone. So if you've tried to contact me within the last 24 hours, sorry. Call me at my house phone or email me.

dubious.

i think i may need to consider a new major.

Religion.

I get kinda antsy whenever my management teacher talks about God in class. I think i get antsy whenever a professor talks about religion and isn't a religion teacher. I should expect it cause i go to a baptist school. But. I don't know.

Maybe it's not because my teachers are talking about it, but maybe i've grown uncomfortable talking about God outside of church. How sad.

I remember, God using me at different times in different ways to glorify Him. I thought, all that needed to be done has been done. i guess not. God is reappearing in my life again in a different more subtle way. I hope he stays this time, because i don't know what to do without him.

the air becomes thinner.

It is finally getting cold. One thing comes to mind when the weather starts to change, fall finals are nearing.

Then i proceed to panic mode.

If i've learned anything at all, i've learned that i'll never have enough time for any one thing.

oh and another thing i have to mentioned, as of late, my faith in people has dramatically decreased.

asian fest was a success.

it's time to grow up.

Hebrews 5:13-14
Anyone who lives on milk, being still an infant, is not acquainted with the teaching about righteousness. But solid food is for the mature, who by constant use have trained themselves to distinguish good from evil.

I've been thinking a lot lately. It's time to get in touch with reality of things. I can't live without God anymore. No matter how much I would want to shut Him out of my life, the unavoidable truth is that i'm helpless without his Spirit in my life.

Quit playing games, Grace. Know Him.

my cheeks hurt from smiling too much.

my throat hurts from laughing and screaming

so far, its a good weekend.

Asian Students Association presents...

ASIANFEST 2005
(2-day event - November 4 & 5)
7:30pm both nights

November 4: PANDAmonium Culture Show
Where: Barfield Drawing Rm.
Extra Info: cultural & modern dances, singers
and orchestra, fashion show, refreshments

November 5: Annual Banquet
Where: Cashion 5th fl. (left of elevator)
Extra Info: semiformal event, Chinese buffet,
keynote speaker Eric Liu (author of The Accidental
Asian and former speechwriter for Bill Clinton)

Ticket prices:
Culture Show: $2 for any student, $5 for others
Banquet: $6 for members,
$8 for non-member students,
$10 for others

Slacker.

I went to sleep at 10. I woke up at 8 to use the restroom. I went back to sleep a few minutes after. Then, i woke up at 11:30. My teacher should never cancel class, otherwise, i sleep 12+ hours.

I had the most surreal dream though. The entire dream's setting was right by the ocean or lake. My family had decided to go on a family trip and it was around the time that i was going to turn 21 (i remember this because my parents were joking about how i could buy alcohol while looking so young in the dream).But once we reached our destination, I ran off to meet with my friends from Baylor. I thought it was kind of ironic that i was on a family trip and end up playing with my friends. But i didn't care. I went to play tag with what seemed like a mix of people from AFC and ASA. One of the girls had a BB gun, not one of the guys, but one of the girls had a BB gun. She and I started to pick up rocks in place of the little pellets. She shot at people and we would start laughing at them right when they got hit. I felt so cruel. At the same time, it was exhilarating.

I think i miss having fun. It's been a while. I know that i laugh once in a while. But i don't remember the last time that i truly had fun where i could be carefree and enjoy life and its blessings. I often vicariously live through the life of others or through the ones i see on media. But that's unrealistic, yes?

I sure hope this weekend will be good.

reminder: do not call oppa.

irritable.

Lately, every little detail has been irritating me. I'm beginning to get a headache from thinking how annoyed i am at life right now.

Just when nothing seems to go right, i want to give it all up and pretend nothing exists. When in the end, it's that nothingness that was irritating me from the start.

maybe i just miss home.

One weekend at Lake Whitney.

Camping trip was really rewarding in many ways.

1. Freshmen had fun.
2. Nostalgia and memories of past AFC retreats.
3. Eating fest of hot dogs and hamburgers.
4. Staying up into the wee hours of the night, talking.
5. Playing mafia.
6. Sharing tents with 7 other girls.
7. Learning that God provides and supplies all that we need.
8. Playing violent Korean games help people bond.
9. Calling Andrew Mr. Po Po.

negative ambiguity.

i feel...

regret.
disappointed.
frustrated.
upset.

Things of distress accumulates and i don't know how to deal.

i was a cute toddler...

what ever happened?

i started to pull all-nighters and drink coffee.

good weekend.

I had an exceptional weekend. No classes on friday so my weekend started Thursday afternoon.

Robert came up due to the hurricane (hiricane, as he says it) and visited us in Waco. It was nice seeing him. I found him passed out at Eric's, so cuute! Then Jairo, Eric, Robert, and I went to Memorial to eat dinner. We met up with Eva, Karen, and Elaine! It was so fun! it's been awhile since i've laughed that much with friends. Afterwards, i went to ASA officer's meeting. Very productive, i'd say. Lasted for less than a hour, shortest meeting we had so far. Then on to Jairo's to watch movies. But everyone was passing out so the night was cut short.

The next morning, my dad calls me at like 8 and says they're in Waco because of the hurricane. I was so surprised and caught so off guard. Once they got in, it was really fun. I really do love my family. After lunch we all collapsed in the living room. We took a family nap =) Except once i woke up, i realize that i was the only one still asleep. My dad wanted to eat some good chinese food so they drove to dallas for dinner. Around 7:30, my dad calls and tells me to not eat dinner and wait until 9:00 because they were bringing back food for me. =) Hanna and I walked tigger. That was nice. Then Hanna and I enjoyed a good chinese meal. All in all, it was a nice day to relax and attempt to study.

The next day, I woke up to my mom's voice which was really weird considering i never audibly hear her voice in waco. So amazingly, i woke up at 9:30 without an alarm clock. Then my family left back to Houston. (how i miss my family already) Mika calls (!) and invites me to have lunch at Teriyaki Park. It was nice, kinda weird, but nonetheless nice. Then, my attempt to study with Robert...

Did not happen. I was really sleepy and wanted to take a nice nap. But i wanted to keep Robert company, but every time i'm close enough to turn a page of my reading, my head starts bobbing. After a while, i couldn't stand it, i went to bed. That night, I went to Praise Night at KUMC, which was relatively short, but enjoyable. Then we head over to Jairo's to wait for Sarah. The plan was to go bowling. I wasn't really up for it and kind of hesitant. But once i found out that Howie and Jen wanted to go as well, I was on the bandwagon. Bowling was actually a lot of FUN! Again, it's been awhile since i've had so much fun. All in all, I think Robert had played a big part of my having fun. thanks oppa.

Now, i'm studying for my finance test. wish me luck, for i need it greatly.

0 hours of sleep and counting...

sibling love.

i miss home.

distance does make the heart grow fonder.

it's 3 in the morning and i'm taking pictures of the bags under my small chinky eyes. will i wake up for class later today? I have yet to find out. Meanwhile, i think i'll talk about some good conversations i've had recently. I talked to Hanna about Christians the other day. We pointed out the divisions that we have in AFC and just people in general. For the first time in a while, I felt engaged and using my brain for some good use. I don't think we agreed on any concrete decision, but we did agree that we disagree in opinions about life. I had a good chat with Thomas. For the first time in a while, i voiced my honest opinion of him and he of me and it felt good. It's as if we connected through a few statements and a warm fuzzy gently passed through both of us. Last but not least, I talked with Jen. I talk with her all the time. But it's those conversations where we're both real with each other that make our relationship work. I care for her judgment/opinion and she cares for my judgment/opinion.

God is good. He gives grace through those that love.

sacrifice for accounting.

stress.

When you first meet someone you want to impress or befriend, say, a member of the opposite sex, often times you accommodate to them, fulfilling what you think they want in a "dateable" person. Or you finally find a friend that you can trust and have intelligent conversations about God or politics. You mold yourself into the image of a friend or a potential significant other. My question is how thin is the line between compromising who you are for another and changing to be a better, quality person?

I'll be frank. After many hundred hours of frustration, headaches, tears, pain, depression, and utter disappoint, I realize one thing...I ultimately and thoroughly am lost. I don't know what or who to care for. It seems like i've been sucked into a tornado, twisting and turning with debris flying all around me. It seems i haven't grabbed hold of life and in some strange way, life has grabbed a hold of me and won't let me free. I really do hope I find God in the midst of all this trouble in me.

On a lighter note, I went to the gym and had a lot of fun.

homecoming.

back, kicking and screaming.

disappointed.

My father left for las vegas today. He left this morning without even a goodbye kiss from me. I'm kind of upset at him for not saying goodbye. I think we left each other on a bad note the other night and i wish i had the chance to apologize. It didn't occur to me how upset i am for not being able to say goodbye until i realize that i won't see him before i leave for baylor. Granted, i could stay another day and just wait for him to come back. But that means not driving with elaine back to waco. aye.

I miss my dad.

plethora of one-liners.

i know that you don't want to read one-liners when you come to my site. Why do i post one-liners? Maybe. Maybe i have secrets. Maybe i'm keeping things quiet from people for the sake of doing so. Not because i don't trust. I've trusted before to those i thought were commendable for keeping it on the down low. Perhaps i like the idea of keeping my life to myself. I want to be selfish. Knowing that only God Almighty and I know about me, and me alone, is nice...for now.

Yes i have secrets. I like my secrets to be held secret. That's why they are called secrets.

every one has secrets. either from the world or from themselves.

victim of a bad haircut.

i cut my hair again. it's a no deal. =(

bleh.

emotionally exhaustive weekend.