I've been through many battles; with God, with family, and with friends. This is probably one my biggest battles: a battle with myself.

struggling to find air to breathe.

friendship.

i can honestly say that i don't have any one person for which i can say, hey, she is my best friend.

lately, i've been lonely. Maybe it was because spring break was pretty much me staying in the house waiting for my family to come home. Maybe i've come to realize that there's never a moment where i can be completely content. Maybe life has become too redundant for me to care.

Today has been mentally exhaustive. I can't figure out what i want to do with my life. I was walking home from class and i kept wondering if what i'm doing is honoring God. Is accounting what i want to do for the rest of my life? Do i want to have to submit to others? Can i stand looking at numbers for long periods of time? I had an interview for an internship next year. The interview itself went well. I am confident in who i am and what i believe in. The only problem i have is being assertive and tenacious. To get into the business world is not an easy task. But then, i thought, i love to talk to people. I love to be in fellowship with people and receive my blessings from getting to know how people think and work. But how can i find a job fitting for that? And then something happened this weekend that triggered a thought in my head. Why are people so exclusive? I don't understand why i have to walk on eggshells so that people aren't hurt. If I go to one thing without inviting an uninvited friend, i hurt my friend. If I go to a friend's thing and invite someone, i hurt my friend for inviting someone without their consent. It gives me a headache. Maybe it's better that i don't get invited to anything at all. But then i think well if i'm not invited, then are we really that great of friends? Because obviously, if the way they think of me is the way that i think of them, then shouldn't they consider me as an invitee? I would invite them. Then again, i'm not really into hosting things. And then well if i plan things what happens if people back out? I know I should be understanding and considerate, but it makes you think. Was there any point where the other party was considering my opinions or what i had to say about the situation? And then, well, at what point do you tell someone that a comment they made was offensive and somewhat insulting? Again, I'm not the kind to be abrupt and get upset instantaneously, but really, was there a point where the other party thought about what i thought or how i felt. I'm also beginning to feel that i don't belong in any one place anymore.

Man, i've been really moody and contemplative. I think i need to rest. My head is beginning to ache.

I think i'm going to try finding the secret of being content in God.

inane.

I woke up, I glanced at my phone, 7:15, and I went back to sleep. I had the worst time sleeping last night. I kept tossing and turning, hoping whatever position I end up in will put me to sleep. Have you ever had those nights? Where you can't sleep? It's as if God is preventing you from sleeping for an incoherent reason?

I dunno why. *shrugs

The next time i looked at my phone, 11:40. I thought, I can't believe the week of my spring break has already passed. Sometime this weekend, i have another 3 hour trak to Baylor. Ugh. I still have a bunch of errands to run...

Happy St. Patrick's Day! It's time to PARTY! (not really.)

insecurity.

I've been thinking about it lately about women's insecurities. It is the most common weakness that i've found in myself and in other women. I've noticed that the commonality between women is our insecurity, our inability to be content with ourselves. We're always thinking we should be at a level above where we are.

Inferiority complex.
n. A persistent sense of inadequacy or a tendency to self-diminishment, sometimes resulting in excessive aggressiveness through overcompensation.

Can we ever get rid of this idea that we're nothing, but rather something. Something beautiful. Something useful. Something FABULOUS.

Proverbs 31:10-31
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life. She selects wool and flax and works with eager hands. She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar. She gets up while it is still dark; she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls. She considers a field and buys it; out of her earnings she plants a vineyard. She sets about her work vigorously; her arms are strong for her tasks. She sees that her trading is profitable, and her lamp does not go out at night. In her hand she holds the distaff and grasps the spindle with her fingers. She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy. When it snows, she has no fear for her household; for all of them are clothed in scarlet. She makes coverings for her bed; she is clothed in fine linen and purple. Her husband is respected at the city gate, where he takes his seat among the elders of the land. She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies the merchants with sashes. She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue. She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness. Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all. Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised. Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

I want to be a wife of noble character. That means I need to start acting like her now.

should i tell?

i had a very awkward dream with two awkward people in it. I converse in an awkward conversation with one awkward person while the other awkward person sat listening to our awkward conversation.

i'll never tell.

Aside from my idiosyncracies...I've learned a few things about myself lately.

i like to do things on my own time. i cannot be rushed. if i am rushed, i get frustrated easily.

i dislike being restricted. i don't like boundaries. i don't like tight clothing, nor do i like being told that i can't do something.

i'm a pessimist to some and then an optimist to others. for those that i can be real with, i'm often a pessimist. for those that i think i have to maintain a reputation with, i'm often an optimist [how sad, wish i could be an optimist all the time]

potter's hand

I've probably made mistakes that I've forgotten
It's all ambiguous now
I'd be willing to take the shape of what you wanted
I could just figure it out

I'm breaking my own rules
Becoming somone else
Well everybody says I oughtta get over myself
I'm thinking I can't move
If there isn't somewhere else
...To go

Things are changing. yeah, i agree. The air is different. No argument there. Time to move on? yes.

i've been feeling many mixed feelings lately. I've been feeling anxious. I've been feeling lethargic. I've been experiencing a little bit of eustress and then some distress. I don't know whether to acknowledge my accomplishments or become more lowly and humble. Maybe studying Philippians is God's way of telling me to serve Him, joyously. Because my successes and my failures are all part of God's plan of molding and shaping. I remember in 7th grade, i was in art. And the best part of going to class was knowing that I would be working on my creation for that day. Whether it was taking a photograph of something seemingly beautiful or eye-catching, or it was adapting a story behind a clay pot, or it was drawing self-portrait with many imperfections, i knew it was my own. Something that i can take home and tell my parents, "hey mom! i made this from scratch!"

And she would nod and say "that's nice." I would be somewhat disappointed in her response.

But deep inside, I felt a tremendous amount of accomplishment. I felt the sensation of knowing that i created something beautiful and unique. It was quite exhilarating.

In the end, that's how God sees us. The process took a long time, with its share of mistakes and failures. However, ultimately, the maker will see her creation as something beautiful and complete and something to be taken ahold of.

starvation.

All i've eaten today are crackers.

i hate you so much.

maybe things were meant to change, regardless if they are for better or for worse. Whether better or worse, these changes are not in my control. So i'm sorry it had to be this way.

so sorry.

Time of Relief.

it's over...

nearly 4 months...

it's done. We've made history! Baylor History that is! First Chinese New Year Celebration EVER! And i was part of that!!

After all that was said and done, people coming up to me and congratulating me...All i can say is "no waay." This event could not have beeen such a success as it was if
not for the people. Up until cleaning time, I wasn't able to enjoy the succes of the event, nor was I even able to stress about it. I just wanted to make sure everything was in place, everyone knew what they were doing, having everything come on time, etc etc etc. As everybody was cleaning up, I sat down at one of the steps. It was a success, i told myself. People liked it. The people who were involved are happy. It was a success. I had to tell myself these things! And then, I yelped, "IT WAS AWESOME!"... and from that point on, I couldn't help but be happy. It was finally over and we made it a success.

The funny thing is. I think it's all God. From the beginning of the project, I have been praying nonstop. Sometimes, I would have dreams about the event. That nobody would show up or everybody would be at each other's throats. As soon as I would wake up, I'd send a prayer up to God and hope that Chinese New Year at Baylor would be divinely graced. You can imagine how much this event meant to me, if you could videotape the thoughts that have been running through my head. But ultimately, i would have to give God the thanks. Because, he believes in me. And that's what makes me go through each day without pulling all my hair out.

Brokeback Mountain.

Man, I'm suppose to finish my paragraph summaries for my Wall Street assignment.

But before i do, I need to get my Brokeback commentary off my chest.

I was suppose to watch it earlier on last week. But somehow, it didn't work out. Originally, i had planned on watching it thursday. But then again, i got busy with random stuff. AFC was fun. I was being a bully with Elaine and Jen. haha fun stuff. We weren't really bullies, but we were having way to much fun making fun of each other and other people...

The next day, i woke up earlier than usual to go to Barfield to start or "practice" decorating. After 4 hours of productivity, Elaine and I venture to the movies. We were kind of in a rush because we hadn't eaten and made a trip to Wendy's with decorating crew. 5 minutes before the show started, we left for Galaxy. Good thing we were in time for the last few previews.

At first, I was confused and kind of taken back by the introduction of Jack and Ennis. But as soon as the story begins to develop, I was drawn into their lives. I think i identify with Ennis. Not that I'm hiding some big secret, but all my life, i have never been really expressive about how i feel. Usually, the times that i've burst have either been in my dreams or in front of a particular person. I'm the kind of person to bottle things up. But as soon as an X factor appears to trigger an emotional breakdown, I start being hysterical. Based on Elaine's reference of elements, i think i would be earth too. I don't think i'm much a water kind of gal. Maybe I want to be perceived as such. But at the end of the day, i'm really earthy.

Jack was Ennis' particular person. I want a Jack. So romantic. So kind. So passionate.

I may be ruining the movie...

Again, I went in the theater as a cynic and was ready to be judgmental about the controversial movie. But, fortunately the story of an undying love pulled me in and shattered all my presumptions about what the movie may have implied. I have to say, brokeback mountain is the greatest love story that i've ever encountered.

Each time they fought, I could see how they were struggling with their hatred of what they cannot change. Yet their love of what they have as destined lovers seemed to have always conquered. sigh. i love it. And every time they met up, it was though nothing had changed and they were back to where they first met, Brokeback Mountain.

I really admire both actors for the work they did in the film. They were truly incredible. There was a scene where Ennis (Heath) cradles Jack's upper body with one arm around Jack's neck and the other over his chest. I really like that scene because the way he positions himself behind Jack makes me think that Ennis is trying to protect Jack and what he has with him. And because he's not expressive with his words, his loving guesstures is proof of his love for Jack.

The relationship between the two men made me realize what kind of love i wanted. I want a love that aside from the consequences of accidental mistakes, my heart will be given to a heart that's willing to be taken away. unconditional love. I want a love where even though i may make mistakes, I'll keep coming back to make up for my mistakes. I want a love where time seems to pass too quickly to grasp.

And then, the relationship Ennis had with his daughter reminded me of my relationship with my dad. As i was growing up, i never understood my father. He didn't love me the way i saw other girls' fathers treated their daughters. As a result, i purposely blindsided myself to think that my father will never take time to love me as i ought to be loved. I cried whenever Alma Jr. tried to reach out to Ennis, and Ennis, in turn, never showed any kind of emotion. sigh.

Overall, this movie makes me sad. Maybe it's a good sad. Brings me back to reality of how cruel the world can be.

"God! I wish I knew how to quit you."

An epiphany if you will.

I had a great urge to swim today. So i got dressed and headed towards the gym. It was kind of a reminiscent feeling on my way to the SLC. I felt like I haven't gone in ages but at the same time, it seemed like just days when i first came to the gym freshman year. I got into the pool. Started off with breaststroke. After a lap, i decided to start my freestroke laps. For a typical day at the pool, i usually like to stay in the pool until i'm completely exhausted or for at least 45 minutes worth of laps. I was energized and ecstatic about being in the water once again. It has been ages since I've swam. I swim for 15 minutes and have already gone countless laps without stopping. I thought, this is great, after all this time, i can keep up my endurance. At this rate, I'll be in good shape before I graduate. I'll become my ideal image of me if i continue to work hard. I'll keep up my grades. I'll get a job. Things will be great! Why didn't I think about this earlier?

And as soon as i started looking back. I started recalling what has happened this last year. The instant i relived my past mistakes, I started feeling sluggish. There was a reason why i had stayed away from the pool for so long. It triggered something deep inside me. I was beginning to feel slow and tired.

Why do i let my past and my mistakes get me down so much? So far, i've been depressed but not to the point where i wasn't hopeful about my future. It's all a matter of my state of mind. If i know that i can succeed, then it's going to happen. I just need to believe it in my heart. If I know that life will be better than going from day to day wondering if there's something better out there, then i'm going to hope and dream for a better way of life.

I need to shoot for the moon. Even if i fall, i'll land among the stars.

Quote of the weekend.

It's funny how a single touch can fix a problem.

elder

Grace, a 21 year old.

who would'a thought?

1/1/05:
This year i want to whole heartedly promise myself and others to be a better person in keeping my resolutions.
Resolutions:
1. tell one of my secrets to at least one person.
2. a random act of kindness given to others as occasionally as possible.
3. live with integrity.
4. read the word, pray, and worship daily.
5. be less critical.
6. love unconditionally.
7. honor my parents.

These are very generalized. Yes, i know. I don't want to promise something that i don't intend to keep. God, help me with the things that i struggle with. Teach me in your ways of goodness. May this year bear fruit so that it may glorify you.

i kept my resolutions to the best of my ability. I'd say I did pretty well. I've been listening to Your Best Life Now: 7 Steps to Living at Your Full Potential by Pastor Joel Osteen. I recommend it to anyone. I often don't like Christian books that are bestsellers because they've fallen prey to retail gimmicks. But Joel Osteen does have some really really encouraging words. Perhaps the only encouraging words i've heard as of late. He said that even though it doesn't feel like God is there, he really is. In fact, when you feel God the least, that's when God's working in you the most.

I just hope that though this past year seemed like a waste, something or someone has benefitted from my shortcomings and inadequacies in one way or another.

For this upcoming year, i think i should devote myself to the theme of responsibility. I'm going to own up to my age and realize that now that i'm officially an adult, i'll take responsibility for my obligations, my actions, my words, my duties. Also, be aware of my responsibilities toward my parents, my brothers, my friends, etc.

Aja Aja Fighting~~! I think i should also boycott boys this year. WHat do you think?

movie freak

i've watched so many movies this month. I've decided to record which ones i've seen.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith*
Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
Syriana
The Wedding Date
The Notebook*
Life or Something like it
Million Dollar Baby
Saving Face
National Treasure*
Finding Neverland
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants
Pride and Prejudice
Forrest Gump*
Memoirs of a Geisha
King Kong
Must Love Dogs*
2046

things i will never understand.

- why the grass turns yellow once it's winter
- why young basketball players make more money than my mom does
- why the government does nothing about the poor
- why out of all of the days in the year, only 13 days is given for vacation
- why my father criticizes me
- why teachers give so much work in such little time
- why boys break girls hearts
- why each time i cry, my soul becomes more wary of the world

side note: please do forgive me for sounding so terribly sad and sappy. However, i can't hide it. this is the only way i know how to express myself, my blog. this last year has been one of the most trying years i've had in awhile for a number of reasons.

Perhaps one of the reasons why blogs go on hiatus is to hide the fact that life is going so well for them. I don't know. I keep coming back to this place in abyss hoping for salvation. God is my salvation, i know. But a little part of me, the doubtful part mind you, questions if God hears me at all. My parents say i'm stubborn as hell. Maybe too stubborn to heed their noteworthy advice of attempting to be happy. And so, i'm stuck. I'm stuck here where there is no daylight, wandering for a shadow somewhere that leads to a glimmer of brightness.

let's face it, i'm a sad fool.

Every woman has the exact love life she wants.

i have three options:

save face and try harder
or
pick a new major
or
pick a new university

daaaahhh.

1 down, 3 to gooo....

i don't want to study anymore. Finance stabbed me, cut me into pieces, threw me into the fire, and after the fire settled, stomped on what was left of me.

so sad.

oppa

i miss oppa.

it was around this time last year that i started to like him. I remember studying in the InfoCommons with him and Hanna and one other guy. He kept asking me who i liked. At the time, i was still recovering from a psuedo heartbreak and i liked the attention that i was getting from oppa.

i knew that i was going to have trouble getting past my bitterness from the heartache. At the same time, i couldn't help this affinity i had developed. I remember i spent an entire night with him and a couple of other friends. We were at the library, we ate dinner together, we went to watch a movie, and went out for another midnight snack.

In some ways, i wish you were here. I wish you were here as i look at the couples holding hands. I can have that. But i can't because you really are so far away.

Maybe this is for the best. This distance. It strengthens us.