"Atheism turns out to be too simple. If the whole universe has no meaning, we should never have found out that it has no meaning..." -C.S. Lewis
Friday, February 21, 2003
Friday, February 14, 2003
Happy Valentine's Day!!
Yay! I had a good day today. =) It makes me happy to see everybody so happy. hehe. My Accounting teacher, Ms. Metke, got a singing Valentine, which was fun. The girls sang the original version of "Your Song" by Elton John. Very neat. They've got beaauutiful voices. "L-O-V-E" was awesome too, very cute. I just wish I could have heard Justine and Annie sing. I heard they have some awesome voices. Oh, well, my happiness will fade away after dinner tonight so I'm enjoying every moment of having so much people love me. hehe. not really. It's just the spirit of Valentine's Day... Love is all around. WooHoo!
Yay! I had a good day today. =) It makes me happy to see everybody so happy. hehe. My Accounting teacher, Ms. Metke, got a singing Valentine, which was fun. The girls sang the original version of "Your Song" by Elton John. Very neat. They've got beaauutiful voices. "L-O-V-E" was awesome too, very cute. I just wish I could have heard Justine and Annie sing. I heard they have some awesome voices. Oh, well, my happiness will fade away after dinner tonight so I'm enjoying every moment of having so much people love me. hehe. not really. It's just the spirit of Valentine's Day... Love is all around. WooHoo!
Wednesday, February 12, 2003
everybody's getting sick. phooey. I think that's how the terrorists are attacking us. They spread the common cold disease so it would seem unthreatening because it is so common. And they'll swipe us out when we don't even know it...
not much logic to it, but hey it works for me.
I found out that a great deal of the "smart" people at my school are going to UT. They've already gotten their acceptance letters. They're guaranteed a spot for dorms. I, on the other hand, still need to wait. And it may as well be a rejection letter because...well...just because. sigh.
I'm not going to prom. I've already been rejected and stood up once. I'm scarred for life. haha. So, I'm not gonna go through it again.
I'm excited about friday. yay!
not much logic to it, but hey it works for me.
I found out that a great deal of the "smart" people at my school are going to UT. They've already gotten their acceptance letters. They're guaranteed a spot for dorms. I, on the other hand, still need to wait. And it may as well be a rejection letter because...well...just because. sigh.
I'm not going to prom. I've already been rejected and stood up once. I'm scarred for life. haha. So, I'm not gonna go through it again.
I'm excited about friday. yay!
Sunday, February 09, 2003
Sunday, February 02, 2003
Teen Mania Daily Devotion: Perfection (Knowing God Completely) February 2, 2003
"I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be." Philippians 3:12 NLT
Allow me to give you a quick, comprehensive reality check - you are not perfect...nor am I...nor is anyone! So, where does the idea of perfection come from anyways? Who says that we are to be perfect and what does it prove if we exemplify the meaning of the word, which means "faultlessness"? Striving for the kind of perfection that pleases yourself or others is not a requirement by God, it is an unattainable human idea. God knows that we were birthed from imperfectness and we must realize that the only "faultless" individual who walked this earth was Jesus and who can you compare him to?
Teachers have seen students have a nervous breakdown when they didn't receive an "A" on a paper; coaches have witnessed their players mentally beat themselves up if they lost a game and Pastors have counseled teens who feel ashamed for falling into sin. These examples show young adults who are desperately trying to aim for perfection. Their expectation level becomes so high that when they achieve any accomplishment, it never feels good because they think they could have done better. To them, it doesn't matter how many of their peers look to them with admiration because of their talent or how much their parents express how proud they are. There is a mental block that tells them that they are nothing unless everything they do in life is perfect. Am I speaking to you?
Let me speak even louder. There is no such thing as " perfection" . God only requires that you strive to reach its meaning in the way that brings glory to Him. He wants that you strive to live a life worthy of the calling He has given you and that you esteem His name in all that you do and say. He desires that you build your life around the structure of His word and live out the commandments that will bless YOU. God only wants to increase you; He never wants to take away from the endowments that you have been given.
There is a drive in you that wants to do things perfect. You want to dress perfect, sing perfect, play a sport perfect, be a perfect friend; however, with as much energy as you put into these miscellaneous things, are you putting as much effort into knowing God "perfectly"? Another definition of this word means "completely" and this is the only kind of "perfection" that God wants to instill in you...the idea of completely knowing Him. He wishes that you be the one testifying of His goodness and grace; He wishes that you be the one spreading His word; that your tongue speak of His unconditional love. Do not be a bystander; proclaim what God has done for you with zeal. "O LORD, I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them." Isaiah 25:1 NLT
When you begin to know God intimately it will show. Others may ridicule your freedom of expression with the Lord. However, see it as their way of crying out for what they feel they cannot attain. But because you possess it, it becomes your job to guide them towards owning it. This is the kind of "perfection" that you want. It is healthy and will build you up; you will feel good about yourself and walk in the air of confidence.
While Jesus was on this earth, notice that the only thing he desired to do perfectly was to perform His fathers work "completely"; this too is what we should long after. God understands that we are going to fall short; He knows that this world has temptations and that, as humans, we are enticed to hold hands with sin. However, He expects more from us than just mediocre ways. If we are crying out unto God to fill our cup a little more each day, we cannot caress sin while at the same time pray for the Lord to expose more of His glory.
Now understanding that God wants us to know Him "perfectly"..."completely." We need to take a hold of what it means to persevere, then we will encounter the true meaning of what it means to be a Christian. As long as we are aiming for the bulls-eye, we will get better at hitting our mark!
"I don't mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection! But I keep working toward that day when I will finally be all that Christ Jesus saved me for and wants me to be." Philippians 3:12 NLT
Allow me to give you a quick, comprehensive reality check - you are not perfect...nor am I...nor is anyone! So, where does the idea of perfection come from anyways? Who says that we are to be perfect and what does it prove if we exemplify the meaning of the word, which means "faultlessness"? Striving for the kind of perfection that pleases yourself or others is not a requirement by God, it is an unattainable human idea. God knows that we were birthed from imperfectness and we must realize that the only "faultless" individual who walked this earth was Jesus and who can you compare him to?
Teachers have seen students have a nervous breakdown when they didn't receive an "A" on a paper; coaches have witnessed their players mentally beat themselves up if they lost a game and Pastors have counseled teens who feel ashamed for falling into sin. These examples show young adults who are desperately trying to aim for perfection. Their expectation level becomes so high that when they achieve any accomplishment, it never feels good because they think they could have done better. To them, it doesn't matter how many of their peers look to them with admiration because of their talent or how much their parents express how proud they are. There is a mental block that tells them that they are nothing unless everything they do in life is perfect. Am I speaking to you?
Let me speak even louder. There is no such thing as " perfection" . God only requires that you strive to reach its meaning in the way that brings glory to Him. He wants that you strive to live a life worthy of the calling He has given you and that you esteem His name in all that you do and say. He desires that you build your life around the structure of His word and live out the commandments that will bless YOU. God only wants to increase you; He never wants to take away from the endowments that you have been given.
There is a drive in you that wants to do things perfect. You want to dress perfect, sing perfect, play a sport perfect, be a perfect friend; however, with as much energy as you put into these miscellaneous things, are you putting as much effort into knowing God "perfectly"? Another definition of this word means "completely" and this is the only kind of "perfection" that God wants to instill in you...the idea of completely knowing Him. He wishes that you be the one testifying of His goodness and grace; He wishes that you be the one spreading His word; that your tongue speak of His unconditional love. Do not be a bystander; proclaim what God has done for you with zeal. "O LORD, I will honor and praise your name, for you are my God. You do such wonderful things! You planned them long ago, and now you have accomplished them." Isaiah 25:1 NLT
When you begin to know God intimately it will show. Others may ridicule your freedom of expression with the Lord. However, see it as their way of crying out for what they feel they cannot attain. But because you possess it, it becomes your job to guide them towards owning it. This is the kind of "perfection" that you want. It is healthy and will build you up; you will feel good about yourself and walk in the air of confidence.
While Jesus was on this earth, notice that the only thing he desired to do perfectly was to perform His fathers work "completely"; this too is what we should long after. God understands that we are going to fall short; He knows that this world has temptations and that, as humans, we are enticed to hold hands with sin. However, He expects more from us than just mediocre ways. If we are crying out unto God to fill our cup a little more each day, we cannot caress sin while at the same time pray for the Lord to expose more of His glory.
Now understanding that God wants us to know Him "perfectly"..."completely." We need to take a hold of what it means to persevere, then we will encounter the true meaning of what it means to be a Christian. As long as we are aiming for the bulls-eye, we will get better at hitting our mark!
Saturday, February 01, 2003
For the first time in my life, I've finally understood what true forgiveness is about, on both ends. Often times, I would ask for forgiveness with all my heart to a brother or sister. And yet, the usual reaction is a reflex as not to cause conflict or pain, usually saying, "oh its okay" I don't want that anymore. If deep down in your heart, YOU got problems with me. JUST FRICKIN let me know. I can't stand it when people just push things aside trying to avoid the problem. So i always have to double check by saying, "Are you sure? Are you positive? Avoiding the idea of being vulnerable to someone that could possibly hold you accountable. Anyway, I digress. I felt disappointed over the last week, with family, friends, work, school, and life in general. I don't handle my emotions well enough to understand fully the cause of a certain intense feeling. Feelings are flaky. Yes. But I want to keep them in check. So forgiveness is a great factor in the healing process.
I was bummed out about not going to Acquire the Fire. I heard raves over and over how it was awesome. The fire of the Holy Spirit was evident in the arena. I regretted passing up a chance to fellowship with other brothers and sisters my age, who enjoy God. Imagine going to a concert of your favoritest band. You've got posters of them all over your room, you've got all their cds, and will tape any performance shown on tv. That's me. Just not so idolizing.... soo not idolizing Teen Mania, just God. Anyway, I digress yet again.
So Alicia had asked me to go. I was like, uhhh (kinda apprehensive about it) and the topic was dropped. After a few days, I was like yeah, deep down I do. I was just afraid of going with her church because they already have a pretty tight knit group. I didn't want to just join in like I could blend in because i can't, some have the gift of doing that, i don't. So I emailed her, cause I didn't know her number or anything. I just knew her email. Next day, no reply. The day after, none. They day after that, nope. I was like, "uhh" I guess people don't check their email or they just dont like me. So I got pooped. I got shut down.
Tuesday of this week, the tuesday after the weekend of Acquire the Fire, she told me that she got my email monday night. She kept apologizing. I was like no no, don't apologize. She was like "i feel terrible, grace. It would have been great having you there. You have to accept my apology and I must make it up to you, or else. I'm really sorry." And for the first time, i felt sincerity in someone's apology. Sincerity. I'm not saying that people haven't been sincere. But I felt this one so strong. Like my Spirit yielded with gentleness i've never known before. Any sort of resentment or bitterness was lifted.
Forgiveness is a two way deal.
I was bummed out about not going to Acquire the Fire. I heard raves over and over how it was awesome. The fire of the Holy Spirit was evident in the arena. I regretted passing up a chance to fellowship with other brothers and sisters my age, who enjoy God. Imagine going to a concert of your favoritest band. You've got posters of them all over your room, you've got all their cds, and will tape any performance shown on tv. That's me. Just not so idolizing.... soo not idolizing Teen Mania, just God. Anyway, I digress yet again.
So Alicia had asked me to go. I was like, uhhh (kinda apprehensive about it) and the topic was dropped. After a few days, I was like yeah, deep down I do. I was just afraid of going with her church because they already have a pretty tight knit group. I didn't want to just join in like I could blend in because i can't, some have the gift of doing that, i don't. So I emailed her, cause I didn't know her number or anything. I just knew her email. Next day, no reply. The day after, none. They day after that, nope. I was like, "uhh" I guess people don't check their email or they just dont like me. So I got pooped. I got shut down.
Tuesday of this week, the tuesday after the weekend of Acquire the Fire, she told me that she got my email monday night. She kept apologizing. I was like no no, don't apologize. She was like "i feel terrible, grace. It would have been great having you there. You have to accept my apology and I must make it up to you, or else. I'm really sorry." And for the first time, i felt sincerity in someone's apology. Sincerity. I'm not saying that people haven't been sincere. But I felt this one so strong. Like my Spirit yielded with gentleness i've never known before. Any sort of resentment or bitterness was lifted.
Forgiveness is a two way deal.
Thursday, January 30, 2003
aiyah, I'm having an identity crisis again. Should I try to fit in? But then that means I'm going to go against all that I stand for. Should I go with the flow of the world? But then I start acting like the world...DaHh!
Why do people change behavior when around certain people? Why does everybody have dual personalities? It really troubles me that the relationships that I have, they aren't being honest with themselves and therefore, cause me to have a false impression of them. It makes me sad. I am this way, too, in some degree. I can be quite talkative when talking about issues of the heart. But then other times, I'm just indifferent to trivial problems. I dunno...
But doesn't the entire world consist of trivial pursuits of power, of fame, of wealth, or of whatever that appeases the apetite of the soul.
Oh man, I want to go back to the basics of life. To live as if Christ were here, right now. Living without regret or sorrow or pain or cynism or depression or malice or deceit or anything of the sort. I'm tired of living lies of people. I'm tired of being who I don't want to be. I don't want to live life as a commoner. I belong to the King of Kings. I don't need to petty myself with useless matters.Just enjoy God. Just listen to Him. Who cares who's listening, Grace. Who cares if they're watching your every move. I got yo back. There's no need to care. Give your burdens to me. I'll help you along this dusty road.
"Worshipping God is fun"
"I know, right?"
"When my friends ask me what I want to do, deep down in my heart, I feel a tug on my soul to just praise God with all my heart. But when I say, 'Let's worship God!! Yay!' They're like 'uhh, you psycho religious freak' and then I feel bad"
"oh don't, seriously, nothing gets better than acknowledging God for who He is cause 'He's worthy to be praised' so there aint nothing wrong with that, girl"
"But people already think I'm a freak. Shouldn't I try to make myself look at least somewhat approachable?"
"Well, you can't change the past. All you can do is set your priorities straight, what matters most to you. In the Bible, it says to die is to gain, to live is to Christ. Grace, when we die, man, that's when the party becomes crazy. Worshipping God, getting drunk with the power of the Holy Spirit. Heck, if I could, I would want to die right this minute. But I'm not dead and neither are you, possibly intellectually or physically dead, but spiritually, your Spirit lives on. There's a certain purpose that God has in store for you. Until you've achieved it, don't sacrifice the greatest opportunity of your eternal life, to make a difference."
"That's what I've heard so many times. It just doesn't click."
"Well, make it click. Remember, you're on the winning side. There aint no losers that belong to God."
Why do people change behavior when around certain people? Why does everybody have dual personalities? It really troubles me that the relationships that I have, they aren't being honest with themselves and therefore, cause me to have a false impression of them. It makes me sad. I am this way, too, in some degree. I can be quite talkative when talking about issues of the heart. But then other times, I'm just indifferent to trivial problems. I dunno...
But doesn't the entire world consist of trivial pursuits of power, of fame, of wealth, or of whatever that appeases the apetite of the soul.
Oh man, I want to go back to the basics of life. To live as if Christ were here, right now. Living without regret or sorrow or pain or cynism or depression or malice or deceit or anything of the sort. I'm tired of living lies of people. I'm tired of being who I don't want to be. I don't want to live life as a commoner. I belong to the King of Kings. I don't need to petty myself with useless matters.Just enjoy God. Just listen to Him. Who cares who's listening, Grace. Who cares if they're watching your every move. I got yo back. There's no need to care. Give your burdens to me. I'll help you along this dusty road.
"Worshipping God is fun"
"I know, right?"
"When my friends ask me what I want to do, deep down in my heart, I feel a tug on my soul to just praise God with all my heart. But when I say, 'Let's worship God!! Yay!' They're like 'uhh, you psycho religious freak' and then I feel bad"
"oh don't, seriously, nothing gets better than acknowledging God for who He is cause 'He's worthy to be praised' so there aint nothing wrong with that, girl"
"But people already think I'm a freak. Shouldn't I try to make myself look at least somewhat approachable?"
"Well, you can't change the past. All you can do is set your priorities straight, what matters most to you. In the Bible, it says to die is to gain, to live is to Christ. Grace, when we die, man, that's when the party becomes crazy. Worshipping God, getting drunk with the power of the Holy Spirit. Heck, if I could, I would want to die right this minute. But I'm not dead and neither are you, possibly intellectually or physically dead, but spiritually, your Spirit lives on. There's a certain purpose that God has in store for you. Until you've achieved it, don't sacrifice the greatest opportunity of your eternal life, to make a difference."
"That's what I've heard so many times. It just doesn't click."
"Well, make it click. Remember, you're on the winning side. There aint no losers that belong to God."
Wednesday, January 29, 2003
so yeah, I have worn glasses for practically all my life. So i have a habitual habit of putting on my glasses. And i miss that. haha.
After I came home from school, I decided to wash my face. Afterwards, when i put on my glasses, everything is blurry! I don't understand!! Then, I realized it. I don't need my glasses because I have my contacts on!! =)
Christ for the Nations. I'm interested in going to the institute now. *pondering* Should I go to Christ for the Nations? If I even consider it, will my parents reject my suggestion? hmm...
*shrugs*
I'm having fun, you guys. For the first time in years, I'm enjoying school for what it is worth. I guess i feel like i've taken advantage of school for the last three years.
hehe. HECK NAW. I'm ecstatic, yo. It's more along the lines of thinking I'm never gonna be in high school EVER so I'm having fun. =) YA-HOOOOOO.
After I came home from school, I decided to wash my face. Afterwards, when i put on my glasses, everything is blurry! I don't understand!! Then, I realized it. I don't need my glasses because I have my contacts on!! =)
Christ for the Nations. I'm interested in going to the institute now. *pondering* Should I go to Christ for the Nations? If I even consider it, will my parents reject my suggestion? hmm...
*shrugs*
I'm having fun, you guys. For the first time in years, I'm enjoying school for what it is worth. I guess i feel like i've taken advantage of school for the last three years.
hehe. HECK NAW. I'm ecstatic, yo. It's more along the lines of thinking I'm never gonna be in high school EVER so I'm having fun. =) YA-HOOOOOO.
Monday, January 27, 2003
man oh man, my room is so clean. The last time I saw it this clean was....well, never. I'm amazed at how clean my room is.
*looks around*
My eyes are tired. I got my contact lens today. Woot Woot. so yeah, but i don't know which one is right and which is left, and Vision Source is already closed. So yeah, I'll call them tomorrow.... it looks like I won't be wearing them until wednesday. Today, a friend had catched me without my glasses. She said I looked cute without them. =)
You know, lately, I've been feeling the need to hang out with friends and keep myself occupied with my social life. My meter on my social satisfaction has been pretty low. hehe. Reminds me of Sims. So yeah, feeling restless. doot doot.
"what we do dictates who we are"
*looks around*
My eyes are tired. I got my contact lens today. Woot Woot. so yeah, but i don't know which one is right and which is left, and Vision Source is already closed. So yeah, I'll call them tomorrow.... it looks like I won't be wearing them until wednesday. Today, a friend had catched me without my glasses. She said I looked cute without them. =)
You know, lately, I've been feeling the need to hang out with friends and keep myself occupied with my social life. My meter on my social satisfaction has been pretty low. hehe. Reminds me of Sims. So yeah, feeling restless. doot doot.
"what we do dictates who we are"
Sunday, January 26, 2003
"the great thing about Stefenee is that she is able to be teachable. She takes criticism into her own hands and can acknowledge that she has done wrong."
I learn that I'm not ready to be teachable. I don't take criticism lightly. sigh. That deeply rooted pride...bugger
One thing that women are to be...is teachable. the ability to understand and receive the fact that they've done wrong and learn from their mistakes. Though it is hard, it's required by us from God, well, not like God expects us to be teachable right when we come of our mother's womb. It takes a lot of pain and time to understand humility at its best.
Philippians 2:14 (amp)
Do all things without grumbling and faultfinding and complaining [against God] and questioning and doubting [among yourselves]
I learn that I'm not ready to be teachable. I don't take criticism lightly. sigh. That deeply rooted pride...bugger
One thing that women are to be...is teachable. the ability to understand and receive the fact that they've done wrong and learn from their mistakes. Though it is hard, it's required by us from God, well, not like God expects us to be teachable right when we come of our mother's womb. It takes a lot of pain and time to understand humility at its best.
Philippians 2:14 (amp)
Do all things without grumbling and faultfinding and complaining [against God] and questioning and doubting [among yourselves]
Saturday, January 25, 2003
otay, man, crazy dream again, kiddos. But I won't try to describe it to you. Just take my word. I had a crazy dream.
I wanted to go to Acquire the Fire, today. Man....I don't know why I didn't. I had heard some awesome stuff about it. How like people's lives have been changed through going to Acquire the Fire. Dang it.
Anyway, some updates about life for Grace. You want to know what's up? well, a couple of things. My family is moving. We don't know where yet. I just suppose it's a nice place cause we wanna buy the house for what it's worth. *shrugs* I guess it doesn't really affect me, considering I'm leaving for college. so yeah, that's been the talk of the shih family for about a week now. Annnd, I had fun in Austin, even though it was last weekend. I enjoyred it thoroughly. =) I wanna go see a funny movie. Not a gross funny. But a funny, pee in my pants cause it's so funny without being gross movie. I think the last movie that was like that was....Two weeks notice, Now THAT was a good movie. Though, it is a romantic comedy. The movie industry HAS to make a movie that is funny without it being crude and without it being a romantic. *shrugs* But then... I don't know.
I wonder. I think my email isn't working...cause I've been sending emails and I haven't gotten any reply from people. Either that, or they just don't want to keep in touch with me. =( oh well. That's okay, i guess.
ANother thing I've been thinking about is a summer road trip. A nice vacation from Texas. I'm getting sick of eating and doing the same ol' deal every weekend. Just an idea to throw out there into blog land.
Oh, and I got more hours on my job. I haven't talked about my job much, huh? Well, I guess it's partly cause I don't enjoy it as much as I should be. It's just kind of a side thing, where I have family, friends, and school, oh yeah, and I have a job. It's not a big part of my week so its not a big part of my life. I guess after college, I'll think differently.
I wanted to go to Acquire the Fire, today. Man....I don't know why I didn't. I had heard some awesome stuff about it. How like people's lives have been changed through going to Acquire the Fire. Dang it.
Anyway, some updates about life for Grace. You want to know what's up? well, a couple of things. My family is moving. We don't know where yet. I just suppose it's a nice place cause we wanna buy the house for what it's worth. *shrugs* I guess it doesn't really affect me, considering I'm leaving for college. so yeah, that's been the talk of the shih family for about a week now. Annnd, I had fun in Austin, even though it was last weekend. I enjoyred it thoroughly. =) I wanna go see a funny movie. Not a gross funny. But a funny, pee in my pants cause it's so funny without being gross movie. I think the last movie that was like that was....Two weeks notice, Now THAT was a good movie. Though, it is a romantic comedy. The movie industry HAS to make a movie that is funny without it being crude and without it being a romantic. *shrugs* But then... I don't know.
I wonder. I think my email isn't working...cause I've been sending emails and I haven't gotten any reply from people. Either that, or they just don't want to keep in touch with me. =( oh well. That's okay, i guess.
ANother thing I've been thinking about is a summer road trip. A nice vacation from Texas. I'm getting sick of eating and doing the same ol' deal every weekend. Just an idea to throw out there into blog land.
Oh, and I got more hours on my job. I haven't talked about my job much, huh? Well, I guess it's partly cause I don't enjoy it as much as I should be. It's just kind of a side thing, where I have family, friends, and school, oh yeah, and I have a job. It's not a big part of my week so its not a big part of my life. I guess after college, I'll think differently.
Thursday, January 16, 2003
I feel inadequate.
DAH, why does depression seep through my veins like blood. I hate it with a passion. Down with depression. Poo, poo.
Oh God, let this vessel come clean before your throne. Empty out the scum, the sewage, the poo in my body, mind, and soul. Renew my mind to yours alone. Let me seek you with the entirety of my heart for this child wants to be yours alone. I just don't know how to do it anymore, God. I want a taste of heaven within the grasp of my hands. I thirst to know that all of life comes at the altar, kneeling before the cross. Remind me how sweet your presence is just in your glory, Oh God. Burn within my heart a passion that yearns for your very heart, Lord God. I want to be you. I love to be you. Oh cradle me in your arms of love. Make known to me that you are my Master and I am your servant. God, you are my everything. Please strike me down before I rebel your gracious name. Destroy all of who I am if ever I choose the path of the wicked.
All that matters is you...Let me KNOW that again, Father. just as i know right from left, oh God. Make it a great reality of being chosen to serve you. God, I've tried. I've failed. All I want is you. So wash me clean. cover me.
Oh Lord, love me.
DAH, why does depression seep through my veins like blood. I hate it with a passion. Down with depression. Poo, poo.
Oh God, let this vessel come clean before your throne. Empty out the scum, the sewage, the poo in my body, mind, and soul. Renew my mind to yours alone. Let me seek you with the entirety of my heart for this child wants to be yours alone. I just don't know how to do it anymore, God. I want a taste of heaven within the grasp of my hands. I thirst to know that all of life comes at the altar, kneeling before the cross. Remind me how sweet your presence is just in your glory, Oh God. Burn within my heart a passion that yearns for your very heart, Lord God. I want to be you. I love to be you. Oh cradle me in your arms of love. Make known to me that you are my Master and I am your servant. God, you are my everything. Please strike me down before I rebel your gracious name. Destroy all of who I am if ever I choose the path of the wicked.
All that matters is you...Let me KNOW that again, Father. just as i know right from left, oh God. Make it a great reality of being chosen to serve you. God, I've tried. I've failed. All I want is you. So wash me clean. cover me.
Oh Lord, love me.
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
today, today was an okay day. I set my alarm at 6:30, in hope of waking up and going to school early for SFC, Students For Christ. As the buzzer interrupted the soothing remnants of my peaceful dream, I thought, ahh, it's okay, i'll go next time, I promise. And so I woke up later, but did not get to school late. Just as I walked into the school, I saw Alicia with her smiling, joyful face. And we talked about how SFC will be meeting on friday afternoons as well, because students just can't make it in the morning or perhaps it will be more interesting when the congregation is awake rather than half asleep.
Anyway, so we chatted for a bit before class and then we went our separate ways. Afterwards, I regretted not waking up early just to go to fellowship, you know? Like I love the idea of being devoted and dedicated to one particular purpose, and this was it. If I can't wake up and get my lazy ass up and going, I ain't going anywhere. *sigh* That's why commitment is a hard thing for me right now in my life. I don't have a lot of motivation. I wish I could say that God is. But my eyes are a bit clouded. But I want to try to put my faith at its work.
Sunia and I have become really good friends. She's in my Chem class. I just find it really ironic how i didn't intend on making friends, but God divinely appointed them to me. Anyway, she's a muslim. She's pretty devout about her faith. We were talking about how our future is in God's hands. I started thinking, are we talking about the same God? I remember how after September 11th, a gathering was held for all faiths to come together and pray. But some were Muslim and some were Christian. We're not praying to the same God are we?
My heart says no, they're speaking to Allah and you, God. But Sunia refers to Allah as God. And then my mind says yes, because of the literal meaning of the term.
Anyway, so we chatted for a bit before class and then we went our separate ways. Afterwards, I regretted not waking up early just to go to fellowship, you know? Like I love the idea of being devoted and dedicated to one particular purpose, and this was it. If I can't wake up and get my lazy ass up and going, I ain't going anywhere. *sigh* That's why commitment is a hard thing for me right now in my life. I don't have a lot of motivation. I wish I could say that God is. But my eyes are a bit clouded. But I want to try to put my faith at its work.
Sunia and I have become really good friends. She's in my Chem class. I just find it really ironic how i didn't intend on making friends, but God divinely appointed them to me. Anyway, she's a muslim. She's pretty devout about her faith. We were talking about how our future is in God's hands. I started thinking, are we talking about the same God? I remember how after September 11th, a gathering was held for all faiths to come together and pray. But some were Muslim and some were Christian. We're not praying to the same God are we?
My heart says no, they're speaking to Allah and you, God. But Sunia refers to Allah as God. And then my mind says yes, because of the literal meaning of the term.
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