women are vicious.

i spent the first half of my day watching television. I can't do this anymore, man. I've been losing brain cells ever since i got back from baylor. But anyways, so i spent the first part of my day watching "the next american top model". I just could not tear myself away from the tv. There was an episode where each contestant had to pose nude for the camera. One of the girls that was from tennessee just refused to take off her clothes because she thought she would have been defiling or degrading her body because her body is "holy and sacred". However, according to the make-up artist, at a previous photo shoot, Robyn, the so-called holy diva, had been jiggling her assets to him. Now, Tyra called her out and lectured her about talking about Jesus, keeping a pure mind and heart, and keeping her body sacred just to turn around and think only for her own benefit, criticizing others, or simply being a hypocrite...

...That's why we get bashed so much.

I have to confess, it's hard to live a pure and holy life. It's hard to think of others more highly than yourself. i know that God didn't say it was easy. But how does the church reach out to the community when there are people out there misrepresenting Jesus? People go overseas. And that's great. Spread the gospel in the motherland. But what about in the states? I think America needs some revival. I need some revival.

Another thing i noticed lately is that life is simply about choice. You choose to take drugs or not. You choose to go to college or not. You choose which college to go to. You choose your major. You choose the blue or red pill.

You choose to believe in Christ. You choose to go to church. You choose to love. You choose to make an impact in someone's life.

the reason why i feel stagnant? is because i choose to be lazy. lol. simply put. Man, i need to get my life into gear.

[by the way, i think the title is irrelevant]

Parentheses.

beginning of last semester, my life seem to turn towards the greater mark of a parenthesis.

but it has become void of meaning.

it is worse than i expected.

life is boring.

I think, then, at this point, i begin to psychoanalyze why i feel this way. it's because i don't hear from God anymore. it's because i'm depressed. it's because i don't have any friends. it's because i'm not in school. it's because my relationship with my parents are on the rocks. it's because my relationships, in general, are on the rocks. it's because i don't hear from God anymore...

Now why? why, grace? I thought you were semi-spiritual. I mean you talk about God. You praise God in your blogs. You go to church. You lead bible study. You own a bible. You pray, don't you?

...don't you?

I was driving one day. And i began to pray. I prayed for a miracle. It didn't happen. I prayed for salvation in the life of one of my friends. I don't know if that happened, no evidence to verify. Then i realized. I've become my own worst nightmare, i've turned into one of those people who turn to God because i want something. My prayers have grown self-absorbed, conceited, and prideful. How can that be? I only turn to God because i want him to do something for my benefit. Whether it's to make me look better or to help my situations.

i want to be selfless.

i want the content of my parentheses to have meaning.

but how? please help.

Reflections.

We went to Cheddar's on Wednesday. I don't remember if it was Richard or Haena, but one of the them made a comment about people changing after they get into a relationship.

That got me to thinking. Have i changed?

I look back and a part of me wants to believe that i've stayed true to my core. To think that i'm the same person coming into college up until now?

i've also been having random thoughts about leadership. Doubts, if you will. Have you ever had those times where you regret, knowing you could have handle situations differently and better?

click here. it seems he'll explain things better than i ever could.

major bumage.

man, i'm such a bum when i come home. I need to start making to-do lists or something to keep my time occupied.

Dedications

Apphia - i adore you! My Baylor experience has been great because of you. I love that you are a delight to be with. You always seem to know how to brighten my day, by singing a song, making a face, pinching my cheeks or praying for me, asking how i am doing, and simply loving me. I thank God for you Apphia. You are so humble and i can see your love for God resonate through your life.

Jessie - You rock my socks off. Out of all the girls here, i think you are ultimately the coolest. You're so laid back that i question even if i came from california. You have this great ability to look at situations and take the best out of it. I remember i was soo bummed out about volleyball but you stayed and cheered me up.

Andrew - My true older brother. Oye, we've been through a lot. You frustrate me half the time, but i know that deep down you love me. hehe. You've taught me to be responsbile for my actions and fess up to them. Regardless of the crap, i know that you are my friend, always. You have a gift of taking care of people and drawing people near to you. You care for people so much that it freaks me out, but it's definitely God-given.

Aaron - geez. what can i say. You are Aaron. i think you're special. SPECIAL-ED. teehee. no, but Aaron is truly a humble guy. He has been such an encouragement since we've been on leadership. I can see that God has a true grasp on your heart.

Richard - My older bro. I do believe i'll miss our talks on Accounting. Richard is one of a kind. A true soldier to say the least. I still don't believe that you'll be sitting in a cubicle, filling out tax forms for people, but hey, whatever God wants, right? But Richard has a devotion that is phenomenal. He makes God so real in his life, that he makes it real for me.

Ron - the man of two words. hehe. Ron is truly a leader. His love for God is so astounding, it's scary sometimes. I'll always remember the time you consoled me for locking my keys in my trunk (hangs head). It was so simple but it had such a great impact. Your love for God and for people truly amazes me.

Hanna - HAANNAA, my dearest friend. We've been through a lot these last two years. We've grown apart and come close again and again. You've taught me how to express myself and to be myself without fear. You are free-spirited and have a such a strong will. At the same time, i can see that you're growing each day towards God's will. I can't wait to live with you next year, it's going to be awesome.

Kristina - Kris! You are so sweet, caring, beautiful, courageous, strong, humble, and gentle hearted. I have not met anyone like you nor do i think i ever will. I love our late night talks, even the one that lasted until 5 in the morning! Thanks for always being there to pray for me and love me in my most vulnerable moments. You truly are the epitome of friend and sister.

Peter - Peter is everyone's older brother. Thanks for always being there to be a leader. I know that i can count on you to bring everyone together and have everyone's attention because frankly, everyone respects Peter. You have a gift of teaching and encouragement. You always know what to say and have such eloquence in saying it. You have a genuine care about people and that amazes me.

Zoe - My dear sister! Man, you are truly awesome. I love your vulnerability. I cherish the times where you've come to me talk about life or your day. You are so teachable and humble and caring and sweet and list goes on and on. Your joy for life is astounding and has this great effect on people especially me. I hope that God continues to strengthen our relationship into the next year.

Mika - what can i say about this girl? SOO many things! i've seen you grow so much in God and your innocence is wonderful. You inspire me to be a better person. I know that i can always count on you to be there for me to be silly or to talk about life. I can't imagine life without you!

Eva - Nu'er-ah! my sweetie. You have such a giving heart. You're always there to help and take care of people. I know for a fact that whenever i need anything, i can turn to you. At the same time, you are so strong. You have your own mind and am not afraid to speak it.

Jennifer - My Jenjen! Our relationship is so obscure, yet so lovely. I'm so thankful God placed you in my life to keep me accountable in my ways. Yeah, we hardly see each other, but when we do, we have so much to talk about as if we've been lifelong friends. You are so down-to-earth and silly and beautiful and so true to your heart. You never cease to amaze me.

Michael Pham - Pham! this guy is awesome. he cooks! enough said. When a man knows how to cook, he'll succeed in life. Or at least have a very lucky girl. haha. Pham is a man after God's own heart. i love our random conversations in the middle of the night on aim. We can be silly one minute, reminiscing about napoleon dynamite and the next minute, spill our guts about being the scum of the earth and how we need God to send down his wrath to straighten us up.

Elaine - this girl rocks. She's taught me to live life more openly as well as fearlessly. I love it that she makes me feel so comfortable when i'm around her. I can always be truthful with her, even though i know she doesn't necessarily want to hear it. She is probably one of the first people that i've gotten really real with. She has a genuine care for people. Oh! and she is probably the most responsible chick i know. You are to be admired, Elaine.

Phuong - This girl is my girl. I love her so much. I remember the late night talks we had about relationships and God. I still can't forget that one night when i went to your room last year for a sleepover. I thank you for your caring heart and the ways you've comforted me in my most weakest moments. I love you for loving me. You have a strong heart and will. I see God in you, working and kneading in places unimaginable.

Haena - Your joy makes me happy, that's all i can say. You are a great storyteller. I love your stories and how excited you get whenever you get the chance to share. I will never forget the times when we stayed up late talking about life or relationships. I hope that i continue to grow closer with you within the next year. This girl is also so carefree, open, and honest. I love it.

Robert - oppa~! We've come so far. I can't get over the fact that i got to know you so well in the last 6 months. Your foresight into the future amazes me. I don't know anyone else that has the gift of seeing into the future. hehe. You are a true gentleman. I still remember the night where you stayed up late to keep us company even though you didn't have to, and this was even before i really got to know you. I'm excited about this summer. i hope that our relationship continues to flourish in God.

April Mayhem.

Every weekend in April was packed. I have been going nonstop listlessly. Oye. But many pictures. Some, from other people's albums. Enjoy! (Trip to Six Flags (4/23) not included)


Steppin' Out (4/2): it was a lot of fun. Me and Aileen were joking around the whole time. We shared a bond in being lazy and letting everyone else do the labor.


Stompfest (4/9): As of right now, i feel Stomp-deprived. It's not the same when you don't see the people you've been practicing for months with. In a matter of minutes, all of our hard work had paid off. It rocked. We had been stifled, for sure.


Semiformal (4/16): Julia, Jessie, and Apphia lookin' pretty.


Hongya and Thomas, straight out of GQ.


Me and Robert <3


yay! girls!


1 month (4/21): lovely.


Last Playground Concert (4/29): Robert, Eric, and Anthony.


Triad (Thomas, Steve, and Jason) and me. Woot.


Trip to Austin (4/30): Howie and Jen. CUUUUTE.


Me and Robert. SURPRISE! He looks funny.


Jen and I. =)


IT'S OVER! The look of delight that the month of APRIL is finally over!

dedications are in process.

new look.

Of course, i decided to change my template. Now i reverted back to using blogger's templates. It's nice looking. professional. i like it. Maybe it'll last a little longer...probably not.

I'm listening to john mayer's old cd. It's odd how music can bring back so many old memories. i've been sitting here in my room for the last 3 hours listening to the cd on repeat, remembering my high school days. Nostalgia. how bittersweet it is.

Next week is dead week. My first final is on thursday. My last on monday. can't wait until it is all over. I've been homesick lately. I really want to go home and hug my parents, my brothers, and my dog. hehe. Summer will be uber busy. I'll be taking classes like mad at hcc.

oye ve

I'm sick. I'm sneezing, sniffing, and coughing like none other. Please pray i get better before finals.

boo.

But praise God, this weekend will be good.

We're going to Six Flags. Although, i really should just stay and study. aiyah. Nah, i'd rather go play.

g'day friends.

matthew 11:28-30
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

one month.

in one month, can so many things happen.

happy one month, babe.

how depressing.

oye.

stressed.



and i only have myself to blame.

Desperate need of oxygen.

in the middle of the night, i grasp at my heart feeling it beat after beat as if it was going 80 miles an hour. Once i grabbed at my chest, it felt like my heart was being clenched and squeezed from life. I may die of a heart attack, guys.

i jest.

But seriously, i had the weirdest feeling last night. My heart felt like it was pumping way too hard than need be. Maybe listening to trance music while sleeping does that to you. =P

I've been missing in action (MIA). I haven't blogged since spring break. A lot of different events and feelings have come and gone. I really feel that blogging helps me express my feelings more coherently. So i shall do my best to sound somewhat understandable.

Spring break was fun. I got to hang out with hanna in Houston. We ate a lot! It was quite a binge fest down in houston between the two of us. I guess i wanted for her to have a lot of fun. and eating is fun. so therefore, we had a lot of fun cause we had a lot to eat. Anyway, there was this one night where we went to Karaoke and it was just the two of us. That was a lot of fun. I didn't expect it to be fun because it is just between the two of us, but surprisingly we had a 2 hour sing fest in that big room. I regret not spending much time with Michael. It was cute. He would complain to my mom for my neglecting him.

"Why does Grace have to come back if she doesn't even hang out with us [us being him]?"

Don't worry Michael, once i get back to Houston, you will never have to worry about me not hanging out with you.

Come back for 4 days of school, and Easter Break comes and goes. I went to Dallas for a day. It was quite enjoyable to say the least. We had Dim Sum, went to Eva's place, then Main Event, ate some really good Korean food, and Karaoke again! Around 15 people, give or take a few, that drove from Waco to Dallas and we met up more people in Dallas. It was a really big group so Laser Tag was a lot of fun at Main Event.

...Now crunch time. School is nearly over. I need to buckle down and study.

My brother came into town on Saturday and left after lunch on Sunday. He came to go to church at Antioch. I went to visit the church for the first time as well as to meet him up. Seeing Andy, made me realize how our relationship has manuevered onto the rocks. I don't really interact with my brother. You could say i have a broken relationship with Andy. When he called me to find a place for him and his friends to stay, i felt like he would only call to ask something of me. Granted, he and his friends decided to stay at a motel. I don't know. I'm not ready to love him. But Lord, please help me try.

The sermon was about Integrity by Pastor Jimmy. I couldn't help but feel convicted. I once told myself that i wanted to lead a life of integrity. It doesn't feel like i have been doing so. I mean, i have, but not to the full extent of glorifying God with my heart, body, and soul. A good point that he made was that if we say we abide in Jesus, why don't we walk like him. I want to walk like him and walk with him. I hope for the sake of Jesus.

the end.

it's late.

man on fire. a good movie.

Spring Break.

Yes, yes. It's that time of year again.

Everyone enjoy their Spring Break. Have fun. Be safe.

Yesterday, after step practice, i wanted to wish everyone a good Spring Break. I had it all in my head, yell ["Have a good Spring Break!"] Okay good.

Open my door before i left.

"HAVE A SPRING..BRreak?"

i mean, have a good spring break... *hangs head

^__^

1. How has God used this past year of leadership to refine your character? Or, what is one thing that God has done IN you?

I’ve become more aware of my environment. My actions affect a lot of people. God has humbled me to think of others before myself. I’ve learned to be more intentional about my relationships. There’s a two-way traffic. For a period of time, I didn’t put much effort in maintaining my relationships. He’s made me more aware of the fact that people don’t think the same way I do. In turn, they can’t read my mind. Therefore, I need to express myself more to provide input and also practice communication.


2. How have you seen God work THROUGH you to minister to others?

He’s given me a lot more patience. I’ve been trying to maintain a lot of accountability with my sisters. I check up on them every once in a while to see if they’re emotionally drained and whatnot. And try to figure out how to pray for them and console them. I have this thing of praying for people that pop into my head. For instance, I’d walk to class and see someone that I know, wave, and start praying for them in my head.


3. What are you hoping will happen in you by continuing to lead?

I want to challenge and be challenged. It feels like I’m at a plateau reaching for something higher. But I don’t have an escalator or a flight of stairs to walk on towards the destination. I’ve noticed that AFC has become so activity oriented that there’s not much time to rest. I hope that people don’t think AFC is like the other student organizations where everyone meets to socialize but a place for spiritual revival.


4. What have you done to deepen your relationship with Jesus over the past year?

I journal whenever I have a lot of things on my mind. It helps me in prayer as well. Whenever I see that I have a flaw, I pray that God would help me rid of a sin or strengthen me to be more Christ-like. I’ve been through a lot of trials in terms of leaning into God rather than depending on myself. It’s been hard to focus solely on Jesus. There are a lot of distractions.


5. What are some dreams that you have for our community of AFC?

The future of AFC lies among the future leaders. I hope that we’ll focus more on quality, not quantity. I want people to feel challenged at the end of large group or small groups; Challenges for each individual or as the body of believers.


6. Evaluate the health of AFC in following areas: (You will probably have more to say than others).

Grace: In general, our community is very gracious. Whenever people need a run to Wal-Mart, those who have cars help out. For me, it’s hard for me to forgive. I hold grudges relatively long. On my part, it’s hard for me to give grace in that area. The leaders are always willing to help out. I know I’m always there for those that call on me. People ask others how they are doing; they show concern.
Community: We’re very social. I think as a whole, we know how to socialize and have fun. I noticed that some people feel left out at times. People have approached me and candidly expressed that AFC tends to be too exclusive. On Baylor campus, we’re not really involved in engaging among the student body.
Prayerful dependence: I know that as leaders, we try to get together each Saturday to pray with each other. However, I don’t know much about prayer within the body. We pray for dinner and such. But for each other? Not that I know of.
Witness: We tend to be obnoxious as a group. It doesn’t seem like we are considerate of outsiders. We’re so focused on establishing a core group within that it’s hard to outreach.
Multi-ethnicity: On a superficial level, we have an eclectic group of Asians (Vietnamese, Korean, Chinese) and a few friends of friends that are Mexican or Caucasian.


7. AFC serves the campus through small groups, large group, outreach, and prayer ministries. What type of ministry would you like to be involved in (from among those listed, or add a new one)?

I’d like to do prayer ministry.

8. What are your plans for the summer? Who will you be living with next year?

I’ll be working in Houston as an intern. I will also be taking a few classes at the community college. I’ll be living with Hanna Lee and Christian Alvarez.


9. Are you planning on going to REC Week, May 19-25?

Yes, I do plan on going to RecWeek.

the more i know, the more i want to learn.

I've realized that the key to learning material is that you have to be interested in the material. In order to be somewhat interested in the material, you need to have exposure to the material. Economics is now interesting to me because i understand it. Last year, economics was just a bore to me. I slept in class. I slept while studying. Garner was a nice guy but he just talked way too much.

I think another thing is that i need to be challenged. If i'm not challenged, i won't be motivated to work hard. I have a bet going with Andrew where the person who gets the lower test grade in PolySci has to treat the higher grade to dinner. I studied and i did better than i did last time. whee.

yay for studying...kinda

sidenote: robert is a jerk.

surreal bodily functions.

I'll just be blunt. I have my period. I'm also sick. It's the most surreal feeling. My body aches. My body temperature is unstable. I feel bloated even though i didn't eat much. I've lost all sense of time. I miss a couple of classes.

Surprisingly...

I'm unexpectedly upbeat. God is good.

I think it's during these times, that i know he's here taking care of me. I know that he's humbling me. I know that he's teaching me. It's wonderful to know that someone cares.

thank you.

major withdrawal.

I have these periods where i just want to get away. I want to escape from the people, the problems, the drama, the work, the whatever. I think going to austin will help. Yes, i'll be in austin this weekend.

like whoa

this last weekend was outrageous.

Battle of the sexes: i'm really competitive. I give a lot of sass when i'm competing against guys. I suck at making boys smile. And, i can't keep a straight face for the life of me.

After party at Cheddar's: i like mucho. I went to eat with Richard, Phuong, Haena, and Eric. It was fun chit chatting and laughing at each other. I kind of broke my no-eating-after-10 thing, but i think those buffalo wings were worth it.

Ocean's 11: Hanna, Haena, and Phuong fell asleep. Eric was awake the whole time. I don't understand how he was so giddy during the movie.

Hanging out at Jairo/Robert's place: stayed up until 10...that's all i'm at liberty to say.

...i should never do that again.

it's all in my head.

May the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart, be pleasing to You.

I'm beginning to hallucinate.

Man, my body is beginning to twitch. It's pretty late or early. It feels like finals all over again. I really have no reason to stay up. I should just sleep. But i'm worried about my speech. I want to make it awesome. I want to make it perfect. I want to be awesome.

thanks robert for helping me out. i thought i was going nowhere. you gave me direction. =) so nice.

Today was surreal. I want to expand. But i don't want to depress you.

twilight zone

i don't mean to step on toes. It just kind of happens.

Suck.

I'm sorry! i'm sorry i'm stupid. i'm sorry i do things without thinking ahead of time. i'm sorry i say the wrong thing at the wrong time.

Lately, i've been brutally honest with people. I hate drama. I was hoping by telling people what's on my mind and heart, that i wouldn't have to hide things from them and that would rid of the drama in my life. Unfortunately, more keep rushing in.

How do i live a life of integrity which honors God and serves others??

late for chinese!!

i got this off of a comment at "sterling&co"

"sometimes, being uncertain is exactly where He wants us to be. . . it exercises our faith."

is it me, or does the room seem really dark?

I'm going through a dark period. I don't understand a lot of the things i do. I think i upset people when i really don't mean to. I want to make a decision for my future. I want to set goals for myself. I want to know what will happen a year from now. But if i don't step into the water, how will i ever know?

Life is about taking risks. It's when you trust God that everything makes sense.

Maybe i am having a hard time trusting God for my relationships, my career, my family, and for myself. It's been a long time since i've heard from him. I wonder if i shout to him, he'll hear me call him.

I'm scared of stepping on people's toes. I'm scared of making the wrong move to upset people. I'm not being myself. I have a hard time trusting people. I sense a lot of my relationships are one-way, because i make them that way.

trying to regain consciousness

for its only in your will that i am free.

I've been lost. This last semester was a blur. I don't remember half of the things that happened. I've been carried away by lust and temptations. And had a hard time coming back to reality and to the truth. I need God more than ever. Truthfully, I am uncertain about life. I have doubts. I continue to struggle with the idea of a supreme being having complete control of my life. I am often confused of God's will in my life. Am i doing things for him or for my own selfish recognition? Tonight, i've been reevaluating my life. Who am i serving?

I'm so lost. There are a lot of things going right now. I don't know how to manage. I'd give it up to God but i don't where to start. Maybe rest will clear my mind.

Revitalized.

Thank you to:
Pastor Chris, Mario, Nathan, Vincent, Edwin, Grant, Howie, Andrew, Robert, Khoa, Alan, and Aaron

Jung, Sami, Elaine Yao, Rebecca, Lee, Peggy, Natalie, Mika, Kristina, Apphia, Elaine Yeung, Hanna, Diane, Zain, Lisa, Haena, Hazel, Karen, Wynette, and Jennifer

...i love that you guys called me, text messaged me, sent me emails, marked my wall, or visited me to wish me a happy birthday. I had a wonderful birthday. Thank you Elaine for the movie and my first jamba juice smoothie. I had a great time catching up with you and Rebecca. After the movie and drink, i went home and played tennis with my younger brother and my dad. it was fun. Then, i went to dinner with the fam. I loved it. I stuffed myself like whoa. Loved it.

I realize how much more i appreciate my family now. God has opened my eyes to their qualities and their beauty.

Andy has become more considerate. He has more compassion. He has become more of a friend than an older brother and i think that's what me and michael want most from him. At the same time, he has become more confident and ambitious than ever before. I'm so proud of him.

Michael is my world. I love him to death. I am closest to him. Out of all the people i know, i can be most myself around him. He doesn't hold grudges. He teaches me so much about being patient and ability to compromise. He humbles me every so often and puts me in my place. hehe. Who knew a younger brother could do that.

My mom is beautiful. I realized how genuinely sweet and caring she is. With what's happened recently, i now see how much she really loves me. She's willing to listen. She understands. She sacrifices so much. She's so patient with my arrogance. I can't imagine what life would be like if she wasn't around. Her prayer life has been great too. She is spiritually growing.

Last but certainly not least, my daddy. If you've kept with me in my blogging journey, i've complained, ranted, and screamed about my dad til no end. I seriously think God has softened his heart. I don't know if it's cause he's growing old or what. Or maybe being diagnosed with diabetes has cause him to go 180. But my dad has become sensitive. He's learned how to listen before he speaks. He keeps my best interest in mind at all times. He talks about God more freely. He's more affectionate than ever. Again, with today being my 20th birthday, he has expressed his love for me more than ever.

...so much joy. thank you God for this day. i love you.

by the way...

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

New beginnings.

Good Morning ladies and gentlemen.

Tis a new year. I already have things to share. I spent tonight with my family. First i went to dinner at my Aunt's place. Huong's family came over as well. I didn't eat much because of a delicious feast of hotpot early this afternoon. Afterwards, the kids plus my mom went to daniel's room to watch the 10 best episodes of friends. After we found huong's mom (a whole other story), me and my parents left for home. On the ride home, i realized i spoke exactly two words at dinner. My uncle asked me if it was my second year at baylor, i said yes. My aunt asked me when i was going back to waco, i said seventh. I'm not in a talkative mood to say the least.

We came back. My dad plopped himself in front of chinese cable. My mom and i plopped in front of Kate & Leopold on TNT. I need a gentleman.

I make new year resolutions each year. Recently, i've started a pattern for at least one of my resolutions. I boycott something. For the year 2003, i boycotted (or what i'd like to call "fasting" but that might be considered heresy) boba. Last year, i didn't buy or drink any starbucks...kinda. I broke it a week beforehand. But what did i expect? hehe

This year i want to whole heartedly promise myself and others to be a better person in keeping my resolutions.
Resolutions:
1. tell one of my secrets to at least one person.
2. a random act of kindness given to others as occasionally as possible.
3. live with integrity.
4. read the word, pray, and worship daily.
5. be less critical.
6. love unconditionally.
7. honor my parents.

These are very generalized. Yes, i know. I don't want to promise something that i don't intend to keep. God, help me with the things that i struggle with. Teach me in your ways of goodness. May this year bear fruit so that it may glorify you.

affinity.

to be honest, i never wanted to be liked. I never asked you to like me. I never sought for your affirmation. it's funny. i never really liked myself. How could I? with the things i've done? But i will take what's been said, i'll take the compliments, encouragment, etc. and place them in my treasure box, precious they are to me...

sidenote: i really want to see closer for some reason...probably out of curiosity.

Secret Santa.

We did Secret Santa. Shannon had me and I had Jo. =) I got a scarf and the garden state soundtrack. yippeee!

The morning after, I wanted to show off my scarf to my dad.

I exclaimed, "Look! Dad! Look! Shannon got me this! [holds up scarf]
Dad looks up, "a rope?"

...

This semester flew by.

So many thoughts are running through my head a bajillion miles per hour. It's inconceivable how the mind works. I wish i could put into words exactly what i want to convey. Over the last few days, i've become vulnerable to my thoughts and feelings. Maybe it's due to lack of sleep. Or maybe it's the season. Or maybe i miss something or someone. Whatever it is, i wish things were a bit simpler. If i were you and you were me, would things be different? If you knew every thought and inkling in my body, would situations change?

I look back on the semester, and i wonder, did God move? Did i further God's kingdom by simply living? i'd say no. But i don't know that. Often times, i don't feel like i'm making an impact on those around me. Last year, i've grown accustomed to giving a little bit of me to everyone. I ended up crashing and burning, squeezed dry from life. I have this tendency to relate, possibly too much to people. Yeah, i'll listen to you, show empathy, and love you...but is that enough? I've realized that i've stretched myself to the max this week. My body is sore. My brain is sore. My heart beats faster each day. Even now, with finals over (yay), i feel the strain in my heart and soul. So strange.

I apologize to those that i've hurt along the way. I can't take back the things i've done. I can't undo the wrongs i've made. I'm still human, you know.

So i ask you to be patient with me. I'm still learning. I want to love and be loved. I want to serve. I want to say the unspoken. I want to have faith.

my goodness.

gah. i'm throwing my entire schedule off for finals. I have been working on an excess of caffeine, malnutrition, and deprivation of sleep. I don't know what i was thinking yesterday when i went go eat at magic china after pulling an all nighter, watching ocean's twelve after a two hour nap, eating jack in the box until we got kicked out, watching a prequel to a movie that i've never seen, and eating at denny's for a 3 hour conversation about nothing; i went to sleep at 6. Needless to say, I missed church this morning...it's okay because sami and sarah did too...actually no, there's no excuse.

Now, i'm avoiding having to study for my last two finals as much as possible, and i'm distracting mika from writing her paper =P

Ummm, i hate finals.

Warm fuzzies like whoa.

MY GOD! i am soo happy right now! I want to thank each and every one of you who came out to my insanely early birthday get-together.

Kristina, Zoe, Diane, Elaine, Phuong, Nhu, An, Tram, Sally, Sara, Jennifer, Mika, Mei, Carmen, Sherry, Sarah, and Sami

Andrew, Mario, Anthony, Eric, Pham, Howie, Philip, Edward, Billy, Ron, Alan, Steve, Caleb, Aaron, Chin, James, Daniel, Peter, SHAWN our waiter, Jairo, and Robert

I love everyone of you guys and am grateful to God for each of you. I know I don't express myself in an exquisite manner, but from the deepest of my heart, i love you all.

I remember...

the subtle utterances of truth from his mouth.

I miss...

the gentle breeze that comes from his embrace.

I wish...

he was near.

Santa's Workshop.

Santa's workshop was fuN! I wasn't expecting anything. I had just woken up from a nap so i was still a bit groggy as i walked into the sub. I went to the foodcourt and there were gift wrap, scissors and tape galore, and numerous boxes filled with toys at every table. And people had already started wrapping toys like crazy. Oh man, i started to get giddy inside. I love wrapping gifts. My mom and I would always go nuts during the holidays cause we both absolutely loved wrapping gifts. I went to a station and started my own little system and got into the rhythm of cutting, folding, and taping. hahaa. yeah, i'm a dork. I had fun tonight.

Volleyball Insanity

Ever since Volleyball Intramurals started, i haven't stopped obsessing about sharpening my spikes, being able to serve overhand, digging opponent's serves, and setting like whoa. We murdered kdphi and deltasig, but jsa put up a good fight. SO CLOSE. But yeah, games are over and done with until after thanksgiving.

After talking to a lot of my girlfriends recently, i noticed that we are experiencing the same emotion, loneliness. As the holidays roll on in, it would be nice to celebrate that kind of intimacy that only a couple can have.

Lately, i've been faced with a lot of temptations. It's weird. In the past, these temptations would be so easily avoided. However, i find myself wanting to give in to my flesh...bleh.

Thanksgiving is in a few days. I'm excited about sleeping in my own room and having a lot more privacy....and of course, spending time with my family. =P

Everyone, have a great break and Thanksgiving.

aww geez.

You know what i've realized? I have an obnoxious laugh.

On Wednesday, I went to the library (gasp) to study chinese or accounting, i forget which. Something happened, I erupted into laughter and couldn't stop for eternity (3 minutes to be exact). I felt bad for laughing so hard. Friday, i went to see the incredibles with AFC. That movie made me laugh like none other. Hanna comes up to me after the movie and tells me she heard me laugh. She sat behind me on the opposite end of the row. AND then, after freshmen dinner, i went to andrew's place to chill for a bit. I was telling a story and couldn't finish the story without laughing my head off.

I need to calm down. =P

I am a Christian by Maya Angelou

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not shouting "I'm clean livin." I'm whispering "I was lost," Now I'm found and forgiven.

When I say.."I am a Christian" I don't speak of this with pride. I'm confessing that I stumble and need CHRIST to be my guide.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not trying to be strong. I'm professing that I'm weak and need HIS strength to carry on.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not bragging of success. I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not claiming to be perfect, My flaws are far too visible but, God believes I am worth it.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I still feel the sting of pain, I have my share of heartaches So I call upon His name.

When I say... "I am a Christian" I'm not holier than thou, I'm just a simple sinner who received God's good grace, somehow.

An unexpected awakening.

I didn't expect for God to poke me. I knew i was in for it when i had prayed for humility. Lately, i've been waking up, hoping to devote my day to God. It often feels like my prayers hit the ceiling and reverberates back down. Needless to say, i started getting desperate for God and continued to pray outrageous prayers, not expecting God to listen. Boy am i naive.

I am by no means saying that i have experienced some life-altering moment. Nor has my life flashed before my eyes. I have been reminded of God's goodness. I remember when i would wake up each morning excited about what God had to offer to me that day. I want to start doing that again. I am reminded of the goodness of the cross. I am reminded that i live for God alone and only He can provide the joy that i need day to day. But unless i give my all to him, i won't be able to live the life worthy to be called a follower of Christ. So, if i had to summarize what i learned tonight, i'd say i want to surrender all i have to live for the glory of Christ.

I surrender all
I surrender all
All to Thee my blessed Savior
I surrender all

Meandering thoughts.

i wish i had something intelligent to offer to you like some philosophical epiphany or a supernatural intervention.

But no.

God is good. He gives rest to the weary.

Dear Lord, this pain inside me
Tears me apart
And Lord the more it hurts
The harder my heart

Oh, in my darkest hour
Your love comes shining through
Your word is true and You make all things new
And I know You're all I need
You say You're here and You calm my fears
And i know You'll never leave

Dear Lord, my heart is breaking
Breaking in two
And Lord my spirit's torn and
Crushed without You

Higher than the stars that shine
And deeper than the sea
Is my Savior's precious love
Your love has set me free
Set me free

Jennifer Szutu

jenn rocks.

Good guys, do they exist?

It boggles my mind how much one can be fixated on relationships. And I'm guilty as charged. I've been analyzing relationships of all kinds. But more so on "romantic relationships." I have to admit it, i really desire to be with someone. I want to be intimate with someone. But, I'm afraid that i am naive about too much to be in a sane relationship. Recently, or to be more exact, today... everywhere i went and everyone i ran into, something triggered me to speculate about my relationship with the opposite sex.

For one instance, I ran into Ron and his girlfriend Monica. First off, Ron rocks. He's a great man after God. He really is admirable for his heart to serve and care for his "flock." His girlfriend is awesome. I haven't talked to her much to make a respectful decision, but from what i can tell, she rocks ron's world. So therefore, she is to be admired as well. I met her at urbana. So, i know she's serving the Lord in some magnificent way, even if i don't know what it is.

But anyway, after bumping into them, I started to think, i want that. I want a relationship where i can hold hands with him while i shop for groceries. I want a relationship where i know that i will be taken care of. Ron is a good guy, but he's taken.

Just last weekend, I went to Eric's wedding. It was truly surreal watching my older brother get married. He was so happy. He and Huong are so cute together. God has so much in store for them now that they are married. I remember they played "let's stay together" by al green and both of them were goofing off on the dance floor. =P (Somehow, i knew that al green would be in the wedding.)

I wholly respect eric and huong. They are an awesome couple reaching for the things of God. Eric with his humble heart and audacious will. Huong with her joyful nature and kind spirit. They compliment each other. Eric rocks. He's a good guy because he's my cousin =P

*sigh

In the end, i realize that the characteristics of Ron and Eric evolve because of God. They are not who they are unless God has made them to be humble and strong-willed. I know i am not fully developed into the person God wants me to be to be in a relationship. I want my future husband to have the best of who i am. Until i develop into that woman, my first and foremost lover is my Lord =)

Bleh.

Being sick sucks.

I saw Daniel, Steve, and James at the mall. That made me happy.

My throat hurts. God please love me.

Highlight of the day.

I got mail today! i hardly ever get mail! What makes it even better is that it's from Jen! i love it! THank yoU!

She sent us Allen girls some collectibles =P

But let me tell you what else made my day. I went to chinese class. I was seriously considering skipping but figured that since i was already at the student union, i should go to class. So half the class was gone, all the guys were gone, and i didn't have a book to bum off of, but it was nice. =)

But anyway, so i have this small box in which jen sent her stuff in. after class i picked up my box and was about to head out of class. I bid my teacher farewell and he looks at me and then at my box, points and exclaims, "box!" and giggles.

HAHahHAHAHAaAhHA

=\ i'm easily amused, sorry

I am Squirrel Murderer.

Dang. I was driving to Russell Hall to pick up Sarah and Sami to go to church. I was right along Dutton Rd. I saw a cute squirrel in the middle of the road right on the yellow line. He was holding a nut of some sort. He stood nearly a feet tall, as if he was about to conquer that piece of nut. As I pass by gazing at how proud he was of his nut, i prayed and hoped that he would keep his stature and not run to the sidewalk. As I was just about to pass him, he decides to gun it. He makes a fast move under my car. But unfortunately, I heard and felt a THUMP under my tire.

sad, isn't it?

We're in the playoffs!

AFC guys rock at football. We start monday!


top: ron, james, pham, steve, sam, hiro, daniel (captain)
bottom: aaron, philip, caleb, peter, john


ending prayer =)

God overwhelmed.

you are all i want
you are all i need
you are all i seek

there is no other
who can grab a hold of my heart
like you can
when you whisper in my ear
that you love me.

I wanna dance with you in the bright moonlight, just you and i. let's run away together.

A call from Mom.

Today my mom called me! According to my mom, Michael asked her to call me. She tells me that Michael misses me very much. Aw, that made my day. =)

I'm really anticipating Eric's wedding. It's in 2 weeks! I'm excited. It'll be the first wedding i go to, but hopefully, not my last =
AFC guys have been playing some good football. I'm very proud of their sportsmanship and how they play the game. Yesterday, we lost 18-7. They were playing against the defending champions of last year. With maybe 40 seconds left of the game, the guys just started to pass the football from Daniel to Caleb to James to Steve and back to Daniel and again to Caleb and that's when the game ended. It was soo funny. It's also encouraging that they come to pray together at the end. I love them.

KSA girls are also playing intramural football. I saw Sarah and Esther play some hard ball. They were working hard. I also met with Sherry. She was there supporting Stephanie (who is Chinese, Filipino, and Japanese - wow). They lost, but that's okay. As long as they don't swear, it's all good.

Camping Trip was amazing. I felt so stretched and torn down during the entire weekend. A lot of things were happening all at once. It was overwhelming. But i look back, and I can see God was moving when i really didn't think so, reiterating the fact that i am scum. God is so much greater than anything i can understand. I might clue you in on some details later on. Now i must get to class.

In need of Redemption.

Please God. Save me from my wretched soul.

My results.

Towards the beginning of the school year, I had my blood drawn. My father and my younger brother had recently been told that they had high cholesterol. Therefore, there was a high chance that I too will be diagnozed with high cholesterol or diabetes. Needless to say, I am. I do have high cholesterol at the premature age of 19. haha.

...I also don't have enough carbon dioxide in my body??

Parallel Parking!

I parallel parked the other day. It was the first time i successfully parallel parked. Muahaha. I can now rule the world. Yay! But yeah, the thing is, i didn't pass when parallel parking when i took driver's ed. I got an F, but for everything else, i got an A. So i'm so extremely happy that i FINALLY did it! you should be proud of me.

A New Year has begun.

today was the first day of classes. Going from class to class, i keep running into random people. It's fun. haha. But urm, things are a bit hectic in my life. I'm not sure how stable i am anymore. I may come off as being "okay" or maybe i am. dah.

I don't know. I'm paranoid about a lot of things in my life. I've noticed that. Hah. It took my younger brother to actually point it out to me. But he's right. It's not that i make drama. It's more of worrying about how I interact with my friends. I worry that I'm not being as friendly, funny, understanding, considerate, [fill in postive adjective], as i could be. When I worry, it means i don't believe God can help me. I get so caught up in making everything right on my own strength that i can't hear God. I can't hear him say, "Grace, I'm here. Trust me." I've become a bit disillusioned.

But on the superficial side, i've been doing okay. I'm not necessarily sad about anything. Just been in a daze of what's been going on since Welcome Week. Welcome Week is an experience never to be forgotten. Man, it was a lot of work, well at least the first two days were. Thursday was move-in day so all Welcome Week staff were at the freshmen dorms helping them move in. It was hectic. At first, it was fun. We were excited to meet the new freshmen. But as time dragged on, we got dehydrated and exhausted. I worked for nearly 5 hours. Whew, talk about working out. We climbed the stairs with boxes, fringes, tvs, computers. It was tiring. But a good tired. =) But that was probably the most I had to work for Welcome Week. The rest of the time was merely speculating if we even needed to help at all.

Annnndd, living with Kristina has already been a great blessing. I love it. =) Well i have pictures. But i won't load until i get connection with my laptop. So i fare thee well.

What to pack.

Man, i'm a bit stumped. I know that i have to pack, but i can't seem to get enough motivation to do it. I suppose, subconsciously, i don't want to because i'd rather just stay in Houston. Or maybe i'm plain lazy. neh.

Today was nice. I spent time with my Dad. We had lunch together and then we cleaned the house. Yes, he still is a pain in the butt. Yes, he still lectures me on things I already heard him lecture about. And, yes, he still picks on every little detail of my life. But, I love him to death. It turns out that my mother thinks I love her the least. She thinks Michael loves her the most, then Andy, and lastly, me. I want to say that's not true. But, come to think of it, maybe it is.

Not that it really matters. I love my parents. I don't love the other any more or less. I love them for their support and their guidance and their love. Just because i'm not very affectionate with my mom doesn't mean i love her any less than my dad. I think it goes along the same lines with my friends. Just because i am not affectionate to you, doesn't mean i care for you any less. I've never been very expressive. Give me time. Maybe it'll grow on me, eventually...this outward sign of affection thing.

Me as a Lego.

Originally uploaded by riyamei.

If I were a lego, i would def-definitely look like that.

I feel stagnant.

Geez, I really feel lethargic and useless.

If I don't ask for it, it's not going to happen.

I really want God to break me down. I want to break down. I want my pride to crash into an oblivion. I want patience and humility to shower down on me. I want to serve and not be served. I wish to be the best sheep the Shepard has ever set his eyes on.

My relationship with God is complex. I have these conflicting ideas of who I'm suppose to be in Christ. I wrestle with this idea that an ultimate creator desires to spend time with me and for me to want to spend time with Him, is hard. Day to day, I wish to honor God. I wish to please him. I often see myself falling just short of glorifying Him. How do you get closer to God? How do you draw ever near to him to hear his heart beat? When do you feel his arms wrapped closely around you?

My life has been great. I've been keeping myself productive. I got a job. I had summer school for the first time. I'm meeting up with good friends every week. My family and I are on great terms. But in the midst of all this, I feel lost. It's true. Whenever our lives seem to be going great, we fail to acknowledge God. Isn't he the one who gave us such blessings?

Nearly a week left before I go back. I have a list of prayer requests:
- fresh faith: to live an active, spiritual life
- dynamic fellowship: brotherhood of believers
- extreme intimacy: draw ever closer to my sisters/brothers and to God
- driven/ambitious leadership: lead under the authority of God

Thank you, Jesus. This is the day the Lord has made, rejoice and be glad in it!

hiya!

I'm pooped.

Today was my last day of class. It's been a long time since i've been proud of my writing. My teacher kept on praising me on my work. She said how my writings were always provocative and, more importantly, she was impressed. My goodness. I always thought that i was horrible at English. I mean, i'm no Zoe Tham, nor Andrew Ye. But, for the first time, i did well in my English class. If you've been following me since i started this blog, i used to always complain about my english classes. I hated english since Hemme during my Junior year. It was a living hell, being in that class. So, no more english. It ended with a bang!

The crew recently changed locations from Tapioca House to Tea Cafe (TeaDot). The food is great. Drinks? Man, you get your bang for that buck. I guess my only problem is, you don't know how to pay. I get confused if i'm suppose to go to the register, before or after i get my order. I don't know if I'm suppose to sit down at a table or go to the register to order. It's all very complex. haha.

Oh yeah, tomorrow is my last day of work. my oh my. This summer has gone by way too fast. I remember just coming back from RecWeek. I remember. I remember watching Troy with the Baylor folk. I remember. I remember my first day of work and the first time i screwed up at work. I remember. I remember my first paper due in class.

All i know is that this busyness, it's got me really worn out. I feel really burnt out. I don't feel like doing much anymore. It's quite sad. I'm more lethargic than i have ever been. My workout schedule is totally screwed up. oh well. hah. But i hope i regain my focus once school starts.

Boo on Boys.

"In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

Mr. Darcy, Pride and Prejudice

The law firm I work at is located near Chinatown. The church building where my church had been established was being knocked down. How weird.

In that building, i've had so many experiences and memories. Wow, as i was watching them demolish the fellowship hall, I began to see my past flash before my eyes. When Natalie, Ida, and I would secretly hide in the room to have our private chats. When Long had first talked to me about Christ. Our central meeting place before we head off to retreats. Horrible, oily Chinese fast food for lunch. My first tears shed for God. Uninhibited worship sessions. Experiencing God for the first time. Witnessing to friends and family.

Look how far we've come, ladies and gentlemen.

Goodness.

I'm having the biggest brain fart of all time.

Gah. I need to focus!!

I miss that lady on the right very much.


...and this lady on the right as well.


...of course, as well as this lady...

Who am i kidding? I'm missing everybody like a madwoman!

whew! i'm exhausted.

i have my first draft of my 7 to 10 page paper due on Thursday. Yikes! I'm going to be up all night Wednesday. Work ends next Thursday. [sigh] i'm going to miss them. AND, i'm not sure when i'm going back yet. Cause i need to be there on the 17th, but i don't want to feel rushed.

My brain is mush. I'm suffering from a lot of fatigue and stress. I wake up pretty early each morning to get ready for school. After school, I run a few errands for my mom. Then i buy food for Michael and myself. Then off to work at 1. Run to the post office to drop off mail for them around 4:30. Head to the gym to work out. Eat dinner around 7 or 8. Then i keep all to myself in my room for the rest of the night chatting online or working on homework. Weekends are nice. I get to relax. i hung out with my mom this last weekend since my brother was busy with his social engagements and I didn't make any plans. So eating dinner and watching movies with my mom was good.

What else? Huong's bridal shower is this coming Saturday. I need to go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond to buy something for her. I'm going to meet up with Jennifer S. on Sunday, hopefully. And, nope, i think that's about it for now.

...My memory has gotten worse. I don't know what's up with me, but i can't seem to remember the simpliest things! I knew i had a bad memory during the semester, but i didn't know it was this bad! What happened?! I've been making it a habit to write things down so that i could remind myself. I've used up ALL my post-it notes doing so.

Did I mention i am exhausted? today was a busy day as usual. It's hard for me to switch modes from school to work. I get lethargic right after school just cause i'm tired and i am certainly not a morning person.

Otherwise, I can't complain about anything. God has been so generous. He's blessed me with a time of pure grace. He sure is gooood.

work is good.

school is good.

church is good.

life is good.

God is good. =)

Fun weekend. Too busy. Once is good enough.
 
 

Yay, today was a good day. Fridays are the best. I went to class. I'm very proud of myself. I've been successfully waking up each morning for my 8 o'clock class. I haven't skipped class, yet! I hope to establish this pattern of behavior once the semester starts.
 
Work has been interesting. I mean, good. I'm learning a lot about office work. There's a lot of routine, and things need to be done in a certain way. My supervisors, though, are great. They are very patient with me. Thank God. haha.
 
Oh, by the by. I went to Waco last weekend. SO many things were troubling me in Houston that I needed a break from the hassles of home-life. If you want further explanation, feel free to ask. Otherwise, it's tedious and needless to explain myself on the internet.

Continuing on with today's events; I went to drop Mike off at AEC, then I drive over to Memorial City Mall to shop, for others. I was coming out of Sam Goody? Claire's? Foot Locker? And i see Ms. Lee passing the entrance. I saw her, she saw me. I gave a confused look. She gave a confused look. I said, Hey! and then she said, HEY! hehe. It was an interesting coincidence to "bump" into her, considering I had asked her to join me for shopping and she turned me down...what's up with that? *shrugs no biggie.
 
So, I shop with her, her brother, and their cousins for the time being. It was great hanging out with her. Great girl. After the entourage left, I went on my own way to find my "gifts". I accomplished my mission within a hour and a half, as well as purchasing a few gifts for myself. =)
 
Came home and relaxed. That's it. Boy, have i had the most exhausting week. I think i'm going to bed.

October 5, 2004

Must and will buy this movie.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ELAINE!

Oh my goodness. Could this day get worse? Hopefully not, it's nearly 10. My brother's car got scratched, not like a "oops i accidently keyed your car cause i was swinging my keychain about" kind of scratch, but "a full work of art scratch until i key an entire 2 inches on your car until i can see the engine" kind of scratch.

I am so upset with myself. My brother is going to be pissed off. Who would do such a thing? It's not like i openly offended anyone. It's a nice car too. ugh. A 2001 Honda Accord Coup scratched because i went to school. [sigh]

AND my younger brother is being a total jackass. I don't know. I don't know if he's going through this hormonal teenage phase, but it's really pissing me off. He's like going through a menstrual cycle that i was not aware that men had.

Other than that. Yeah, that sums up how i feel right about now.

frustrated, angered, self-pity, lonely.

i miss you guys.

the following soldiers for Christ:
jennifer ling
jessie tan
jennifer lin
andy shih

...are off to the motherland to share the good news. God be with you all. May He bless you in your footsteps...

i longingly gaze at this beautifully crafted wedding invitation that Klinton and Clara has graciously given to me. Only to be met with disappointment. I cannot go.

I'll already be in Waco and my parents see it as a impediment or an inconvenience to drive back for a wedding. Oh, how i see myself floating in a river of regret and discouragement after the wedding passes...

I am at my supervisor's beckon call

I feel like Christina Applegate's character in "Don't tell mom the babysitter's dead." I am just flooded with a lot of work. And in the midst of it all, I don't know what in th world I'm doing! I mean, I'm getting it done. But I don't know if i'm doing it right or the best that I could. I think this performance anxiety is going to bite me in the behind sooner or later.

At the same time, I'm learning where I got this anxiety. It's from my dad. He always put me to work. He told me to wash the dishes, do the laundry, fold the laundry, wash the car, mow the lawn, walk the dog, buy groceries, vacuum the house, wipe the table, cook dinner, mop the floor, clean the bathroom, etc. Basically, ANY chore you can name, i've done. In the midst of being a good, disciplined girl, he would always lecture me on how to get it done. It must be scrubbed a certain way, you must do this however many times to get the stain out, and if I can't see through it, it means it's not cleaned. In other words, he wanted perfection. He wanted perfection in everything i did.

At the time, i found it tedious and absolute torture.

Now, I've come to realize that is what i've become. I've become soo task-oriented and performance driven that i'm afraid a lot of my creative juices have been squeezed out of me. I had great aspirations once. I had a list in mind of what i wanted to accomplish. Mostly, whimsical...but i did have dreams at one point in my life. But yeah, wonder what i would be like if i wasn't so focused on my inadequacies.

Anyway, I had a purpose to this blog. Ah, yes. I wanted to post a prayer. I wanted to post a prayer to those that have lost hope. Those that can't see the oh-so-bright light at the end of the tunnel. I know I for one, wish to see the pot of gold at the other side of the rainbow. To see reward or fruit of my labor, oh what a glorious day that would be.

Dear God. You are faithful. You have plans for your children. Plans that will flourish us. Make us successful. Not successful by the means of the world. But by your standards. In which, we find ourselves reluctant of putting our faith in anything else but you. Let us have hope in what you have plan for us for it builds our character to make us into leaders of your kingdom. I pray that with each trial we go through, you will be right there reassuring us of your faithfulness. God let us see the light. Reveal to us your WILL. We long to experience what you want for us.

I seem to update at the most random times and in sporadic intervals...

Urm, my brain hurts. that doesn't make any sense. i haven't been using it for the last 4 weeks! hah! Anyway, i'm being stupid.

AIM really is the DEVIL.

...So, i've decided to have a fast...a AIM-fast. at least, 40 days of NO AIM.

That's right, ladies and gentlemen (to the select few who read this) I will not be seen on your buddy list for a month. If you do see me online, may God desecrate me and send me into eternal damnation!

On a lighter note, I got my job! I'm an intern at Fong & Associates Law Firm. Yattah! I am quite nervous about it. I want to make a good impression.

*crosses fingers*

God, please don't let me make a fool out of myself! please, please, pretty please!

...I also start summer session II on July 6th. I need to sleep at a more modest time from now on. bleh. 8-10 BLOODY A.M.

i'm seriously dead.

Good morning ladies and gentelmen. Welcome to the diary of the mindless babbling idiot. =)

[sigh]

Seriously, some days, I wonder if my existence has any minute importance to it. I keep being nostalgic and revert back to my memories, mostly horrific, mind you. But most definitly memorable. Things that I wish that i had forgotten. Yes, I know that God has redeemed me of my past. But you have to wonder, isn't your past the thing that shapes your present and future? [shrugs]

Today, I helped my mom cooked dinner. I was told to dice the jalapenos. I cut maybe 50 of them for this hot sauce my dad wanted to make. So right now, my fingers are literally burning from merely touching the seeds. Dah! They feel like I'm holding a piece of metal that's been burning in the furnace with my forefinger and thumb.

I think back on the past two semesters. I wonder what happened to me. What have I become? Have I changed any? change for the good? for the bad?

dah, my fingers burn.

Man, i'm so blessed.

I've been reading this book titled, Invitation to Lead by Paul Tokunaga. Amazing book. It's odd. I bought this book 6 months ago at Urbana and haven't touched it since. But now that i've started reading it, I can't seem to put it down.

It's about leadership. With the idea of becoming a leader next year, I've grown anxious and hesitant about fully committing myself. I fear being rejected or made a fool of. I have always been performance oriented (as many asians are), driven to do my best even to the extent of exhaustion. And when i don't perform well, I fall into self-pity and the devil starts to deconstruct my mindset of living for God. I fear if i don't see results, I will start to doubt myself or even worse, doubt God.

I am truly incapable of leading.

But. That's where God comes in. I am so thankful that I'm not going into this next year alone. With God along side of me guiding me and helping me and loving me, I can go the distance. THe only way for me to be used, is to fully commit my life and work to God. Only then, will his power truly preside in my heart and soul. Giving my all is hard. Isn't it? Giving everything to God is even harder. But i'm still learning day by day to give it to God. Because only he can do good things with it. I can't.

Lol. I also noticed that I never talked about Urbana. Perhaps, the tornado of events that occurred after the convention deterred my equilibrium so much that I disregarded the fact or i just simply didn't want to extend my thoughts to the world.

Urbana 03:
- a truly exhausting experience. I was constantly on the move. My every waking moment was spent going to seminars, eating, meeting up with friends, worship, and small groups. It was nonstop. We had to travel from the dorms to the arena, from the arena to the local buildings for the individual seminars (3 each day), back to the dorms for dinner, from the dorms to the arena for the evening session seminar. Everywhere you went there were lines. But the great thing about it was, i loved it. I loved being so busy. Always needed to be somewhere, always needed to go to a designated area. I loved the fact that the random people you ran into, you could praise God with. You could be waiting in line to go into a seminar and you start pouring your guts to this random girl who asked you what time it was. I loved being treated like cattle whilst going into the arena with 20,000 other brothers and sisters, to worship and dwell in the presence of the Almighty.

- God delivered peace in the midst of the craziness. I spent one day just in complete awe of God's majesty. That day was the only medication i needed. It allowed me to rest in God's power and authority. Through that time, I finally realized what it meant to depend on God. In that moment, the phrase "Once you put God as priority, everything else falls into place" made sense to me. I must admit, my passion for missions wasn't inflamed, I wasn't necessarily engrossed with the idea of urban projects or traveling to the outskirts of Manila. But in the back of my mind, i realized that i can't do it for God unless he knows that i want to do it for him. I must go to him first to express my fears, doubts, worries, anxieties, pain, guilt, shame, love, joys, sins before i can effectively work for him. I praise him that he has redeemed me of my past.

- Jennifer Ling approached me. She came to me and asked if I wanted to be discipled by her. She asked me if we could be accountablility partners. My God. I was honored by the sheer fact that she even considered me. To this day, I'm grateful for the time and energy that she has invested in me and the wisdom she has imparted into me.

- Spent a day with Peter and his friend Joseph. One day, I went to the seminars that these guys were going to. I also had lunch with them at this mock Subway place. I had an interesting conversation with Peter. He was very candid with me about the things he was going through that last semester. He also progressed to inform me of his wish to start a bible study. And this bible study has grown. We've grown to be a community within another. I am truly amazed at what God has done with this small idea and to see the fruits of God's grace to be shown is astounding. And for that, I appreciate Peter's vulnerability to me.

- New Life Fellowship. I rode up to Urbana with my cousin's church. It was unbelievably encouraging to see a group of believers on fire for God. I remember that at the end of the day, the girls came together to talk about the spiritual matters that God had taught us for that day. They were so vocal about their thought patterns that I wish I had the capability of doing so, so candidly.

- John. Hah. He's this guy i met one day. I was in line for the bus to go the arena. Some guy was standing to the left of me. And he proceeded to ask me, "how's it going?" I looked up and we made eye contact. Man, was he cute, I thought. I played it cool and turned my head into my original place, and said, "pretty good, how about yourself?" "good" My gosh, the thoughts in my head were going 100 miles per hour. I was so nervous and afraid at the same time. I didn't know what to say. I was scared that i would start stuttering or mumble my words into a jumble. I said God, this is just a guy. Let me remember that. And he gave me peace. We walked slowly into the bus. He was from Georgia Tech. He was leading a small group at the dorms so he was split up from his fellowship. We sat together on the bus. I asked him why was he at Urbana. And he said that many of his friends were going on missions so he wanted to get more information on missions in general. But, he didn't answer my question. I asked him why was he at Urbana. He asked me what did i mean. Well it seemed to me that his entire purpose was the benefit of others rather than himself. OF course, it is necessary to think of others before yourself. But it's also important to consider what God has in store for YOUR future. And after i told him all this, he was befuddled. And he said that is a very good question. hAH. For the first time in my life, I felt as if i was provoking someone's thought pattern in the right direction. I thank God for that conversation because it gave me confidence. Not confidence in myself but in God. Let me explain, this situation is quite unique, you must understand. I don't communicate well. I don't express my emotions or thought pattern as best can be. Needless to say, when it comes to guys, i'm a failure in speech communication, especially cute guys. haha. But what i'm trying to say is that that simple interaction changed my perspective. It has allowed to me engage in conversations with guys. It has allowed me to understand that it's okay to ask hard questions. It's okay to be serious with a person of the opposite sex. You don't always need to talk about the latest NBA stats nor the latest Acura model. After that conversation, i never saw the guy again. how ironic

- Overall, it was an experience never to be forgotten

"There are plusses to making so many friends."

eh, my previous statement by no means hints at the idea that i've suddenly transformed into miss popularity. I think, God has blessed me with many great friendships this past year. Some that cut deep into the roots of my soul. Others, fun and light hearted. Then some, based on the surface. All i cherish and hold precious.

I love the freedom I have in God. Whether it is because I have all this free time to ponder and contemplate, I thank God for what he's done in my life. I'm starting to realize that when my life is center around his goodness and truth, everything else seems meaningless...

do you think God, being so gracious and merciful, could forgive me of the most formidable sin? I think so.

I often enjoy the time of rest that God gives me to recharge and really evaluate my motives for living. I often feel like i'm squandering his valuable talents that he's given to me. Like the prodigal son who runs towards his sensuality to be terminated by eating with the pigs, so do i wish to hunger and starve for the things of God. I'm tired of listlessly wandering through college, not knowing what God has in store for me. He's placed me in strategic areas of fortune, wealth, education, family, most of which prosper. I wonder if this is it.

I wonder if i'm straining towards the right goal. I wonder if going to college at Baylor was the best decision. I speculate whether my grades are a good reflection of what i'm truly capable of. It saddens me that all this thinking may just end up going to waste because it is really none of my concern. I think my mother had passed down her worry trait to me. I worry about these things, man. I worry that God isn't always going to do what's best for me (?!?!). i worry that my life is going to spin out of control if i don't contain myself from my insanity. i worry simply if i'm going to make it through the day. i worry that i'm not being as productive as i should be. i worry that in the next 3-5 years, i'll decide business is not the way to go and i'll switch to engineering (?!?!).

"my worrying is a sign of lack of faith"

i wish God would just smack me into place sometimes. No, i'm serious. I wish he would LITERALLY SMACK me down and put me in my place. Just the other day, i think it was sunday, my cousin asked me how my spiritual life was. The day before that, malachi asked me how i was doing with God. It really got me thinking. What have i been doing? Where was God during my first two semesters at college? Was He recognized? Was He on my lips 24/7? Was He worshipped? I want to say yes to all the questions above, but i would be lying. Of course, like a begging child, i would run to Him when i had a "boo boo" that needed to be patched up. But i failed to honor him by showing my gratitude for his majesty in my life. I've been so caught up "in being everybody's friend" that I got burnt out and failed miserably in my dates with God. I think i stood him up way to many times.

There are plusses to making so many friends. I've grown somewhat dependent. Not quite to the extent of some of my friends. But i've learned to trust a little easier. I'm also learning not to judge. I'm learning to be open to people. Not necessarily to be open to new opportunities to try new things. But to accept people as the way they are. i admit. I have my own set of ideas of what or how a person should be. But who am I to be "God" bleh. me and my tendencies. So i'm also learning to back off. and not be so cynical and critical of others. People say that i'm a great listener....i don't really think so. What's a listener good for, if they can't give advice. I need to work on my listening skills, especially when it comes to listening to God and discerning his voice from mine.

i've reverted back to my "streams of consciousness" entries. I'm tired of always having to reread what i wrote. it's tedious. =)

I think what I have below is a good explanation of relationships...with the opposite sex.

3:16 pm - Guys and Girls: Clearing up the confusion
OK I'll break it down for all of you who argue with me when I go off on my speeches about girls and guys:

FIRST of all, all GIRLS are EVIL.
This is a fact and don't get mad, just take it, its ok.

SECOND of all, all GUYS are RETARDED.
This is also a fact, but most of us would agree, right?

MOST IMPORTANTLY though, girls don't choose to be evil, and guys don't choose to be retarded.

Further explanation:
Girls are evil for two reasons: Girls are evil because they attract guys. You're probably like, but that's not their fault. True. Nonetheless, guys are attracted to girls - and because guys are drawn to girls so easily and powerfully, girls are evil. Guys can't help it. In fact, the more a girl doesn't realize she's evil, the more evil she is. The second reason girls are evil: Girls are always questioning motives. Not always a bad thing, but its bad when they always do.
Guys, on the other hand, are just plain retarded. We are crude, perverted, insensitive, selfish, and we make bad decisions that apply to girls. We say the wrong things at the wrong time, and do exactly what we shouldn't have done at that crucial point, or at least, that crucial point to the girl. What makes guys ultimately dumb, however, is that we can't stop being drawn to women, and that is our ultimate downfall.

KEY POINT: There are exceptions.

Pulling it all TOGETHER:
FACT: guys will like girls with or without the girl's consent. Girls will like guys that "treat them right." Most guys are too dumb to "treat a girl right." Guys that DO treat a girl right (the exceptions) cause the girl to question his motives. This suspicion pulls her away, and she turns to guys that don't treat her right, but don't break the pattern of how guys should act. Guys that treat girls right, don't get the girl, and girls get hurt by guys that don't deserve the girl.

Girls are bitter because they feel like they trusted a guy and he let them down. They* withdraw themselves from other guys and they'll never find the guy that they can really trust.

Guys are bitter because they can't figure out why girls want a good guy, but then don't trust him when he does nice things. How can he make a girl happy?

Bottom Line: It works when a guy finds that girl with his vibe, and treats her right. From there, the girl trusts him and gives feedback. In other words, it takes an exception guy with an exception girl.

BTW: By "exceptions" I don't mean a guy that is an exception. I mean specific cases. A stupid dumb guy, could still have an exceptional case, where he is good for the girl. vice versa with "girls are* evil".

~Jeff

to see its original source, go here.

oohh. got back from the gym. feels really nice. sweaty and gross. =D

So, urm. Summer has been relaxing so far. Just been bumming around for the most part. Been spending a great deal of time with my family, especially Michael. Andy is usually working or involved with New Life. My daddy is going to China on Sunday. And my mom is busy with work as usual. Coming back home made me realize how much i really did miss my parents and my brothers and of course, tigger. But most of all, i did miss Michael the most. He teaches me a lot on patience and compromising...shh... don't tell him i said that =)

by the by, I want to go to Six Flags...wherever. Houston? Dallas? San Antonio? I just wanna see you guys. Let's get together...yeah. yeah. yeah.

OH! and does anyone wanna go see Josh Groban in CONCERT? He's going to be in Houston on August 14th. Please! Someone COME! I'm desparate!

My cousin bloody updated? wow, who'da thunk.

anyway, so, i'm sitting here feeling all sorry for myself, not really making much out of anything. an epiphany just occured to me...who the freaking cares...

i know. i know. I have problems. I need to deal with it in the most sophisticated manner. I am tired of overanalyzing the situation, circumstances, consequences, and what not. i wish i could somehow numb my pain and depression away. I'm not asking for sympathy nor pity. I am getting it out there into the internet abyss.

I don't talk because there is no need to. Who needs to talk when you've got an online journal? right? am i right?

But yeah, i probably need to consult with God about my emotions. Maybe, I'm just being stubborn. I want this feeling of loneliness to linger just a bit longer to understand where it is coming from. Cause i know God provides the comfort i need. Yeah, pride.

Oh yeah, never talked about Rec Week. It was truly a God thing. I had a good time with brothers and sisters at IV. I love that natural bond that you have with those that are free in Christ even if you just met. You guys just come together with the same purpose and drive to love God and serve without inhibitions, or at least close to none. The one big thing that I got out of it was the fact that we got closer as a fellowship. We came together as a body and goofed off (majority of the time) but still collaborated to get the job done. We were able to pray for each other. We ate together. We worshipped together. We learned together. It was great. I learned the importance of a community and the importance of the body with many parts. Next year, all of us are going to working specific areas of the fellowship, and i can't wait to see what God has in store for each of us. Especially for what each of us have to offer to the fellowship. With our time, energy, and most likely, money put into it, I know that God will work miracles. I wait in eager expectation. i definitely love the time i spend with the girls. Each are so beautiful in their own way. I love Kristina for her sensitive heart and her carefree spirit. I love Hanna for her gentle heart to listen and sustaining strong heart. I love Mika for her sweet, caring nature and her selfless acts of kindness.

Overall, it was a good chance for us to bond and refresh ourselves in the presence of God.

I say, "boo on boys."

bah.

for the first time in my life, I seriously wonder if there really is that ONE person you will spend the rest of eternity with. In the past, i didn't doubt that God had someone in store for me. In fact, i recall having full assurance that God will provide someone suitable for me as a potential husband, excuse me, a bonafide ascertained husband. With the events that have ocurred in the last two weeks, i have fallen off my balance beam and came crashing down into oblivion. My world is a bit on the tipsy side. I am confused, a bit worried, but mostly, sad.

"I'll get over it." I've said it a thousand times this last semester. I use the avoidance tactic to relieve myself of any problematic situation. I will proceed if there are no further objections.

[sigh]

It is during this time of year that i become quite sentimental and emotional. It's a time where things come to end as the school year comes to a pause and the summer begins. This year had many firsts and many lasts. Too busy to elaborate, but i was just speculating...I've grown without knowing it.

Praise God.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish?"

dah! i must restrain myself from watching these romantic chick flicks! I find myself more and more vulnerable each time. Why does the movie industry have to make love seem so simple when it's really not. I just watched Love Actually.

I hate it.

You selected Words of Affirmation: 5 times
You selected Quality Time: 10 times
You selected Giving/Receiving Gifts: 0 times
You selected Acts of Service: 11 times
You selected Physical Touch: 4 times

So, I ended staying up until 5, studying for psychology. Sweet Apphia allowed me to study at her place. Thanks! Along with the test, I had two other quizzes. I bombed my QBA quiz, simply because i didn't do half of it. I completely forgot to study the one portion that was straight from the worksheet she had given to us. I had even told Tommy to study it! And to top it off, I am sick... once again. I feel horrible. I don't want to do anything. Don't want to go anywhere. I just want to cry away my pain.

*sniff sniff

[sigh] There are so many reasons why I wish I could go back in time.

Who: Robbie Seay!
Where: University Baptist Church; 1701 Dutton Street; Waco, TX 76706
When: 8 p.m.
How much: $5
Why?: BECAUSE THEY ROCK!!!!

So yesterday, I met Cindy. Cindy is Jairo's friend. They are in Delta Sig together. So back to meeting Cindy, met her at lunch. Introduced myself. Small talked. I asked her if Jairo was a playboy. She said, "well, look at him..." (teehee, that was a good laugh). The gang laughed. She asked about Highland. She told me about Antioch and life group. Invited me to go. I, having the obsessive compulsive tendency to say yes, simply said yes.

So today, out on a TOTAL whim, went to her life group!

[man, i seriously need to consult my mind before I say stuff.]

I enjoyed it. Meeting new people has always been fun for me. I love it.

Schedule 4/20
8:00 - Theater
9:00 - Breakfast
9:30 - Logic
11:00 - Study Psy
12:00 - Meet with Jen
1:00 to 2:30 - Study Psy
2:45 - Gym
3:30 - Shower
4:00 - Bible Study
5:00 - Study Psy
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Study Psy
7:30 - GIG
8:15 - Welcome Week Meeting
10:00 - Walk
10:30 to [the time I die] - Study Psy

"i gave her my heart...and she gave me a pen." Lloyd from Say Anything

Garden State

yesterday, we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. New favorite on my list of movies. I absolutely adored it. I just loved the artistic motifs and elaborate cinematography. At the same time, it struck a chord in my heart...

I already want to go see it again.

So yeah, i'm here in waco while most everybody is back home. I've been preoccupying myself with work that i don't necessarily need to do, but it would be for my benefit to do so. Urm, yeah. Apphia called me in the afternoon, telling me that she was back in town and wanted to eat dinner with me. She also told me DIANE was visiting! So i expected just the three of us to go eat dinner. Well, She comes and picks me up around 7:30. I see Diane in the front seat, and another person in the backseat. I assumed it was her brother or someone. So, i opened the door and i greeted Diane with a scream and said hello to Apphia. And then i looked to my left. This girl presents her hand and says, "hi, i'm hannah"

*grace screams* AHHHHH

IT'S HANNAH! I roomed with hannah at Urbana! it was sooo wild. I was soo happy to see her! *gleams

Dinner was great. Hannah shared her testimony. She speaks so passionately. I love it. Then Diane shared her experiences in Juarez, powerful stories of healing, prayer, and community. I missed them soo much.

hrm, let's see.

hola. so...

A little update, shall we?

- 5 weeks left of the semester
- Easter weekend -- *shrugs*
- JSA Formal -- not sure if i'm going, want to have a date so cheaper price
- MSO Banquet -- don't want to miss AFC, may be mandatory
- Finals -- start studying NOW. LIKE ASAP

I went to Race for the Cure and Steppin' Out. I had fun. Oh man, 6:30 in the morning. That was killer. I don't know how I managed to wake up during my years in high school. Speaking of lack of sleep, i'm going to go take a nap now.

I fare thee well. Parting is such sweet sorrow...

it's really interesting how you can only interact with certain people. There's bound to be someone that you just click with, and then, there are others who have the tendency to rub you the wrong way. I tried to adopt this idea of getting along with everybody and anybody ever since i understood social interaction. That there had to be something that we (that person and I) can connect on a certain level. My theory is somewhat at fault. My conclusion is still in progress.

Hanna and I went to CPR class yesterday. It was tedious and repetitive. aiyah. 6 hours of my life was spent in the same room watching a movie with dummies. I mean, I passed the test. I made new acquaintances. I just wished I had been sleeping instead. Afterwards, we walked across campus to Pizza Hut. We talked about random stuff. But the one thing i remember was that she asked me something. She asked me, "Why don't you talk, Grace? I mean, you tell me stuff when I ask you questions. But I've never heard you talk."

I gave her a series of excuses:
- my dad
- limited friends in high school
- seeming ignorant, foolish, dumb, idiotic, etc.

...But it boils down to the fact that i just don't have much to say. I wish I could tell you that i was an interesting person. Yet, I don't even know that. I have and will say this again: I lost a sense of myself.

Maybe Ashley Christian was right: I am boring.

Thank you for those in the past that have asked me why i am so quiet, why i don't talk that much. I didn't think you noticed.

Friday
- bombed my psychology test
- went to Hillsboro on the way to Dallas
- ate pho with Zoe, Eva, Peter, Samuel, Daniel, Jenni, and Andrew

Saturday
- Stonebriar
- Eva's place for Korean dramas in Chinese
- korean food for dinner...soo goood

Sunday
- worship at Dallas Chinese Fellowship Church
- dim sum at Lucky house (?)
- Java - Rasberry Tea, Chess
- Nap at Eva's
- Elf
- Korean dramas in Chinese

Monday
- Awaji
- Dunkin' Donuts
- Adventure Golf, Batting Cages
- Eva's fried rice for dinner [yum]

The weekend was nice. I enjoyed it very much so. Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcomed. I felt really special. It was great how each day, we spent it with someone new. On Saturday, it was Daniel who went to Stonebriar and dinner with us. Sunday - met up with Gracie at church and Java. Monday - Pham to eat lunch, watch us play putt putt and batting cages.

good times. good times...

[Coming home]

I realize why I don't come home that often...i belong to a dysfunctional family. Yeah, I believe that. It is taking me awhile to accept it, but I'm learning to love the fact.

My dad is mad at me. My brother likes to argue with me. My mom is hardly home. My other brother can't seem to find himself, and among other things intermingling with the fact that our family lives on lies. We all put up fronts of who we truly are to appease each other. It's been like this since I've had a memory.

I also want to address why I am the way I am
- I am indecisive. The reason: I've never been able to hold on to my own opinions and subjective thought. It has always been shot down by the male species of our family. I got tired of fighting so I let them have their way without speaking mine. Not to say that others are indecisive due to family circumstances, it just happen to be like that for me.

- My compulsive tendency to say "yes" even when I don't want to. I would be disciplined whenever I refused to do something I didn't want to do. "Disciplined" is a euphemism for being beat. The consequences were never once positive, needless to say. Those were the times when I felt as if my father least loved me. He didn't want me to say no. He would express his disappointment through his anger. Somehow, and I'm sure it is very valid...i apply it to everybody. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants to be said "no" to. Even if i am not in the mood, don't feel like it, or just downright uncomfortable...i will say yes, isn't that pitiful?

- My silent, quiet nature. [sigh] what can i say?

These 3 are things that make up a "pushover". I wish it wasn't so. But I do find myself lost in the abyss of college life. Again, I've lost my sight. Please guide me home.

When do you come to the point of complete and utter surrender to God?

I do want to surrender all to God. I know and have complete confidence that God is holding me in His hands. Therefore, he is control of everything. He has my plans intermingled with His plan. His plan for me is for my best interest and for the betterment of my life. Then why am i so afraid of giving up certain things that are causing me to stumble? If i really and truly trust God then giving up the nonsense of the world should be easy. =/

What have i been up to?

I have been doing my best to keep up with my work, trying to get ahead in all my classes.
I have been making a great deal of friends in and out of AFC.
I have been trying to devote everything to God.
I have been so busy that i'm physically and emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

how's that for generalizations?!

Beautiful Day

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In a maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me love
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China, right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have, you don't need it now
What you don't know, you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day

--------------

I must say it was a gorgeous day yesterday. I was reminded of the song above as I was walking to class. Soaking and basking in the beautiful and glorious sun. ahh, so nice.

You know, i've noticed that i am quite ignorant. I even go as far as to say that i feel like a simpleton at times. Robert and Zoe may not think so, but i do. There so many things that i am just totally naive about. It's quite sad how little i know.

I think I've lost a part of myself. I have been so caught up in establishing friendships and relationships with people that i've been giving a piece of me each time. It's been awhile since I've had time to energize on my own. To sit back and absorb the blessings of God. Cause, you know, life (i.e. college) goes by so fast. It takes effort to slow it down a bit. These are the times i miss high school. My parents brought back my sanity after class ended at 2:36. They brought me down to earth and showed me reality for what its worth. Sometimes, i wish my parents were here to nag and discipline me...because it shows that they care. I'm doing things out of my own accord. And i really don't think what I'm doing right now is furthering my career or furthering the Kingdom of God. I'm just stagnant.

But yeah, urm. For future reference, i apologize if i am aloof or standoff-ish. It's just a habit. snap your fingers at me, poke me, or scream at me to bring me back into reality. The Ecuadorians are great at doing that. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAENA~! 19 years old! Hope you have a great year and i pray that God just blesses you with his gracious gifts. =D