do you think God, being so gracious and merciful, could forgive me of the most formidable sin? I think so.

I often enjoy the time of rest that God gives me to recharge and really evaluate my motives for living. I often feel like i'm squandering his valuable talents that he's given to me. Like the prodigal son who runs towards his sensuality to be terminated by eating with the pigs, so do i wish to hunger and starve for the things of God. I'm tired of listlessly wandering through college, not knowing what God has in store for me. He's placed me in strategic areas of fortune, wealth, education, family, most of which prosper. I wonder if this is it.

I wonder if i'm straining towards the right goal. I wonder if going to college at Baylor was the best decision. I speculate whether my grades are a good reflection of what i'm truly capable of. It saddens me that all this thinking may just end up going to waste because it is really none of my concern. I think my mother had passed down her worry trait to me. I worry about these things, man. I worry that God isn't always going to do what's best for me (?!?!). i worry that my life is going to spin out of control if i don't contain myself from my insanity. i worry simply if i'm going to make it through the day. i worry that i'm not being as productive as i should be. i worry that in the next 3-5 years, i'll decide business is not the way to go and i'll switch to engineering (?!?!).

"my worrying is a sign of lack of faith"

i wish God would just smack me into place sometimes. No, i'm serious. I wish he would LITERALLY SMACK me down and put me in my place. Just the other day, i think it was sunday, my cousin asked me how my spiritual life was. The day before that, malachi asked me how i was doing with God. It really got me thinking. What have i been doing? Where was God during my first two semesters at college? Was He recognized? Was He on my lips 24/7? Was He worshipped? I want to say yes to all the questions above, but i would be lying. Of course, like a begging child, i would run to Him when i had a "boo boo" that needed to be patched up. But i failed to honor him by showing my gratitude for his majesty in my life. I've been so caught up "in being everybody's friend" that I got burnt out and failed miserably in my dates with God. I think i stood him up way to many times.

There are plusses to making so many friends. I've grown somewhat dependent. Not quite to the extent of some of my friends. But i've learned to trust a little easier. I'm also learning not to judge. I'm learning to be open to people. Not necessarily to be open to new opportunities to try new things. But to accept people as the way they are. i admit. I have my own set of ideas of what or how a person should be. But who am I to be "God" bleh. me and my tendencies. So i'm also learning to back off. and not be so cynical and critical of others. People say that i'm a great listener....i don't really think so. What's a listener good for, if they can't give advice. I need to work on my listening skills, especially when it comes to listening to God and discerning his voice from mine.

i've reverted back to my "streams of consciousness" entries. I'm tired of always having to reread what i wrote. it's tedious. =)