I get so frustrated when I find out why I beat myself up so much. Because I can't get out of the habit of constantly reminding myself that I need to do better at this and at that. When I don't exceed my limits, I think I'm a failure. School has been constantly pressuring me. The competition. The wickedness. So much pain, so much trivial nonsense. I don't want to compromise who I am, what my identity is, to the world. But often times, I get lost in it. I hate school with a passion just because my ears hear things that I really really really don't need to hear. My eyes don't need to see the things that I see. I even wish that I can rip off my eyes and ears so I don't sin. It's THAT painful for me. I hear about girls who have been cheated on, who have been sexually used, who have been utterly wronged. My soul grieves for them. I am in utter despair for some reason, every time.

My heart is in pain because I can't ever be so pure if there's so much sin out there just by the things I hear and am exposed to. Just last week, we went to the movies. During the movie, some person had called out an sexual reference. Dude, I could not stand being in there. Everybody was laughing, and I found no humor whatsoever. My heart grieves so. I told myself to brush it off, to just brush it off. But I couldn't. My soul needed to be released. I didn't want to tell anyone because I didn't want to look stupid. I didn't want to be goody two shoes. But within me, I was sad. And then started my deep fall into depression. All I saw was wickedness. All I felt was despair of what the world has become and that integrated into my school work, my family, and my close ones. I had lost so much hope and trust and I thought, what's the use, God? What's the use? You try to lead people to Christ. You become such a witness for Christ. You are in complete reverence of your one God. But it seems as if you're the only one.

But I need to stop thinking that. My God is bigger than this entire world. If he can saved an entire city during a revival, surely he can save as many people as there is in a movie theater. He created me and you. He created the earth, the heavens, and everything in it. There's something magnificent about that don't you think? People have lost faith. People have been accustomed to this world. Compromising themselves because that's how their friends are. Making it harder on themselves when it's time to show them that little piece of paper that says, "Do you know for sure that you are going to heaven?"

A few weeks back, my teacher had asked us to write an essay about time travel. If we could go back in time or forward, when and why? At first I was like, Dude, I'd go see my Savior in an heartbeat. But instead, I wrote about going back to the 60s to see Martin Luther King speak, a time of doo wop music and Leave it to Beaver generation. I compromised. DANG IT. I hate compromising. It shows that you'll change your ideals and priorities just so you won't be ridiculed. So this guy, Danny in my class, a devout Catholic, stands in front of the class and says, "If I can go back in time, I'd go to the time of the Roman Empire to witness Jesus and his miracles and also the 1st century church."

What makes you holy. What makes you true. Go for it. Don't compromise. Don't compromise to the ways of the world. For you are not of the world. Be salt and light. Be a soldier for Christ. Be little children of God, full of faith, so excited to speak Truth into people's lives. I'm trying my best. I'm praying as much as I can. I know I'll never be perfect. But YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I WANT JESUS. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I WANT GOD TO RULE IN MY LIFE. YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MUCH I NEED GOD.

Sorry, I had went on a tangent. From now on, no structure, no formality. I'm just gonna spit out what's on my mind at the moment. May not make sense, but that's quite all right.

Anyway. School. I hate school with a passion. ESPECIALLY CLEMENTS. Do not go to Clements High School. I don't recommend going there at all. There's so much bad stuff there. Sex, pride, sin, complacency, drugs, competition, wickedness of the world, trivial matters, alcohol, just to name a few. There's sin and I can't seem to avoid it. Blah. I mean sin is sin, no matter how extreme it may be. There's no degree of sin. It's just all there. yuck.

I'm crying out to God now. I don't want to criticize about how they sinful they are anymore. I cry out to God saying, "God, I'm so pitiful compared to your majesty. I am not worthy to be called yours. But by your grace, you have chosen me. Jesus, Thank you for enduring the cross. Jesus, I ask for your hand to be upon these people at my school. I've prayed for a school-wide revival. People praising your name while at school, singing songs of joy, shouting with freedom. I believe, God. I believe you can do the imaginable if there's faith, Lord God. I know you are true and you are Greater than anyone on this Earth. May your Glory shine through my school. May your grace fall upon these people. These people that need you so, Lord God. May you make yourself known. Surround me with angels that I may not fall into temptation. Fill this void of my soul with your Word and your Spirit, Oh God. May I be a witness for you, Jesus. May I resonate your power and your might through my actions, my words."

I think the initial purpose of this blog was to say why I've been depressed. But as I digressed, I forget. =P So the reason. I've had stuggles determining my worth and my place in this world. I thought maybe if I had a boyfriend, I'd be satisfied and feel wanted. But that didn't work out. So maybe intellect is where I'm suppose to succeed. Nope not there either. Maybe I can find comfort in my family. But I just got more hurt in the end. How about my friends? hmmm...nope. SO I felt worthless. Felt stupid. Felt alone. Felt extremely betrayed. Therefore, that little green goblin depression came about. Ugh. I still can't believe I went through that. ANYWAY. My worth is not found in school, relationships, or anything that is temporary. Am I willing to sacrifice what I'm comfortable with and go to my Lord? God was telling me, "Boyfriend? No, you won't find it there. School? You'll definitely won't find it there. Friends? No, although they may help, they won't make you have joy. Nope, none of these things will make you fulfilled, satisfied, full of joy, or even remotely complete."

I simply needed to repent for my sin and my depression and recognize that God is MY God. Not school not anything else. Just God. If I think that anything else can fill my void, I'm a fool. But God. man

"But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise." 1 Corinthians 1:27

Thank God. Thank God, he uses stupid people. People who are "least likely to succeed". That's me. The Grace that mumbles when she talks. The girl who is oblivious to the things that are around her. The girl who is often absent-minded. The girl who is "introverted" and can't share her feelings. The silent quiet stupid Grace who God chose for some reason. I don't know the reason yet. But I've got to give all I got to please my Lord.