High school drama termination countdown: 16 days
AP English Literature - May 5
AP Chemistry - May 13
dang, it's already May. boohoo. I'm graduating soon. =(

High school drama termination countdown: 21 days
Grrr, I decided to take a nap between 4:30 and 5:00. I just woke up...So I'll be online for quite awhile since I have nothing to do. My cube is not cooperating as much as I would like for it to. It's hard. How can a oh-so-seemingly simple puzzle turn out to be soo hard?! Michael has already given up due to great frustration of "How? What? I hate this thing! I am going to shoot it and make it die!" It's quite amusing, but also quite sad. Anyway, I had a pretty pointless day at school, again. Not much has been going on as the closing of the school year begins. Everybody is talking about college, plans for prom, plans for the summer, nothing about schoolwork. haha. Though, I have to admit, it's nice being a senior. An acquaintance of mine in Eco talks about prom everyday and asks me every OTHER day if i was sure about not going to prom. Yeah, I'm pretty sure. It's a waste of money for just a night. Well, at least, that's what I think. Trust me, I'm not one bit bitter about not having a date or such. I just dislike the idea of dressing up just to eat dinner and hang out and do nothing. I doubt that anyone would be interested in talking about God or mission trips or travel plans, cause that's what I'm into at the moment. It's so strange. I'm just sooo different. See, I'd rather just stay at home and be online rather than go out and have a social life. I've always been that way. I guess that's just what I'm used to. I don't oppose the idea of going out and having a grand ol' time, but I just like the idea of being comfortable in my own home. I dunno, perhaps, subconsciously, I want to go, but I'm just making excuses.

I wish I had a companion. It does become hard to handle when you feel like you're the only kind of you in this world, but it's also rewarding to know that you are unique. I find myself trying to conform and when i do, i get really uncomfortable with my mask. It's nice being myself. When i'm myself, i'm happy. But it does have its setbacks. Cause the world think you strange when you different. I have this friend that I've known since sophomore year. She is one of the most unique person. She is one of a kind. She's obsessed with John Travolta. She has a relevantly different sense of style. And she's different. But unfortunately, no one takes that as cool. A lot of people make fun of her for just being herself. People have asked me, "how do you know her? Don't you think she's kinda weird?" At first, yeah, sure I did. That was two years ago. Now, I appreciate her uniqueness and personality. A one of kind. We need more of that nowadays. How come I'm not hanging out with her? Well, the truth is. I haven't had any of the same classes with her. But, anyway, I'll keep her in my prayers nonetheless.

Hehe, I'm reading some of my high school friends' friends blogs and then I read my older friends' friends blogs and there is not much of a difference. talking about daily activity, events, and what not. Don't really get into that nitty gritty "how am i doing" stuff, not very personal. I guess thats just what journals are. A daily account of going-ons of life. *shrugs* There I go again....Why is mine different? Is it different? Do I talk about "what happens" or "what am i thinking?" *shrugs* eh. don't really care I guess.

Perhaps you're wondering about lover boy? Haha. Yeah, he's cute. Yeah, he's funny. Yeah, he's considerate. And yeap, he's totally into God. I just don't have courage to talk to him. It's just nice to know that those kind of guys do exist. I don't associate myself with a lot of guys. Cause often times, I just think they're way too immature. Like they write on each other or make jokes that aren't funny or just plain ol' silly and obnoxious (YES, that's the word I was trying to think of the other day!!). I find myself rolling my eyes at them sometimes. But, i dunno. Don't really need guy relationships. I can have them later. haha.

Think about it, when does life become so routine that you just wanna spontaneously ditch work, family, or friends and escape. Escaping reality of the same ol' crap and venture out into the woods or fly out of a plane or even dive off of a cliff. I don't know about you, but I wanna. Both men and woman want that feeling of exhilaration, whether it be wondering off into the unknown or endeavoring into the wild. Women just seem to want it from relationships, of men or women. Ever since girls were little, they desired to be captured, to be wondered at, or even considered a real life princess. I know I have. I use to think I could be a beautiful singer, gaining the attention of an audience at the mere hum of my voice. Girls have been, since their birth, wanted to be appreciated for. They would run up to daddy with their new bought dress, wanting him to marvel at her beauty. In grade school, hit a boy and ran from him to get his attention and his affection. And, high school on up, we would try to impress with looks, body, intelligence, wealth, or power to get that one guy that, oh man, is so perfect. I dunno. It seems to me that I just want to be looked at as a woman of God and beautiful in His sight rather than the world's sight. Cause, baby, God thinks you foine, girl.
(High school drama termination countdown: 22 days)

my new toy =)

High school drama termination countdown: 23 days
There's seems to be too much space when leaving spaces between lines. So, I will deter myself from doing so as often as I have in the past. I receive notice that I am a Texas Scholar, but I do not what benefits it reaps as of yet. I am eager to discover why I am a Texas Scholar as well. I'm feeling kind of restless. I'm totally into that whole planning for what I'm going to do this summer. I'm going to make a list of all the things I want to accomplish with the few months I have left before college and make sure that I enjoy it thoroughly because, I think, i deserve it as much as the rest of them. I wanted to backpack through Europe, but I don't know if that's going to happen. I would like it to happen, but I want the prospective people that I go with to have the same level of excitement as I have, which is very high, but hey, Europe is like a once in a lifetime deal for me. If I'm not excited, who is? I dunno, I really really really wanted to go the summer of my graduation. Maybe. I'll pray about it some more. Maybe God just wants me to stay home and take some time evaluating myself as a being. But I kept asking God, why would you put this desire in my heart then? Psalm 20:4 says "May He grant you according to your heart's desire and fulfill all your plans." Or maybe he just puts it there and then I prepare myself for it in the coming years. I dunno. I didn't prepare myself for China as well as I should have, but I had a blast. Oh well, it's totally God's thing. But....arggg....I wanna gooo!

I got an optical wireless mouse. It's super nifty. I can use the computer 6 to 10 feet away. *awe of Microsoft technology*

i should be studying for the three tests that I need to make up...But instead...I'm bloggin' =)

My nose is all watered up. I sneeze every couple of minutes...*pause*



AACHOO



*wipes nose*....*pause*....*inhales snot*....yum...

High school drama termination countdown: 25 days

oh me oh my, I'm having that warm fuzzy in the pit of my stomach again.

Hormones start ragin', adrenaline pumpin', and that cute boy a walkin'

Girls, I must confess, I hate this idea of security in a man. Who needs a man when I've got Pooh Bear to hug and hold at night. Who needs a man when I've got Mint Chocolate Ice Cream to make me all giddy. Who needs a man when I've got my momma's shoulder to cry on...

*raises hand* i do.

bored...bored...I am so bored..bored...bored...Grace is so bored...

I can't sleep. So i turn on my computer for amusement. I am still bored. I've been staring at the screen for about 16 minutes...

bOred...bored...Grace is very bored...bored...bored...I am very bored...

*sets alarm clock for 5:45*

"God, I pray that 7 hours from now, I will be awake because my alarm goes off. With your will and your discipline in me, wake me up. I wake up late because I feel that I need more sleep, but I really don't. It only means I'm unmotivated. So motivate me, Lord. Motivate me to promptly wake up because I want to wake up not because I have to. But because I want to. Just to spend more time with you, Jesus."

Bowling For Soup. I like their candy machine. =)

I keep hearing "Girl all the bad guys want" and I went on thinking "Is it the girl all the bad guys want....or the girl all the fat guys want?" hehe. Cause that would have been interesting. The girl all the fat guys want. As if there's something about her that appeals specifically to fat guys...hehehe...I don't think fat guys are freaky at all. They're just about the nicest guys around. They just have more weight.

I just did 200 crunches...it feels so good....going for 250 without stopping...

So, Spring Show. I'm excited about it. It's my last one!! I was coming home from UIL rehearsal, and I was like, maaann, it's my LAST SHOW. No more stage. No more adrenaline on stage. No more high school drama. It's going to be so weird this time next year, NOT getting ready for the show.

Oh man, kiddos. I just realized I'm 18. blah. I was telling my friend a story about one of the retreats I went to. Afterwards, I was like mannn, where did all the time in between then and now, go?

I was listening to KSBJ this morning. Michael W Smith was on the morning show. Man, he said some great stuff. He has a very soft voice, but firm and distinct. He spoke about fellowship with the other artists like it was something so common, yet so precious. Boy, that's really neato. He seemed pretty humble about his status. That's very hard to do under the circumstances that he's in. Anyway, yeah, I wanted to listen more, but I was already late to school...

Speaking of being late, I moved! Yes, my family and I moved to a different house...One that is closer to civilization. hehe. but also in another school district. =( Anyway, so now I have to drive about 15 to 20 minutes to get to school which is kinda a drag, but it's okay... I'll deal with it.

Taking the English and Chem AP. I don't know what I was thinking that day. I can't take those APs. I don't excel at taking tests...nonetheless, taking a test under pressure? Blah. Chem is more memorization and English...I think I shouldn't even try. Staying awake in class is hard enough to do. I have to stay awake during a test....AND do well? major poo. But that's what I get for being absent minded.

The new look on the tv guide c h an ne l looks super-nifty =)

Wow, it's already April. Whew-ee. I graduate in less than two months. AHHH. that's insane. I don't even feel like I'm 18. I don't even look it.

I think the older I get, the less opinions I have about life. I guess I figure, I don't understand, so I don't want to bother. Therefore, less blogging results. But, I'll try to be more thoughtful the next time I visit internet land.

Okay, I'm going to take a 15 minute nap before I go to the doctor.

"Everyone's in the restroom, but no one is using the bathroom."

Yeah, I didn't get into UT.

It's so strange. People around me have gotten their acceptance letters with great joy. And I wanted in on that relief. But I didn't get it. That whole rejection thing is not good for my soul. I didn't think it would happen to me. Perhaps in my mind, I had jinxed it by thinking that they wouldn't reject me, I'm Grace, sure I'm not smart, but I'm capable. But, no no. I need to be more realistic. I'm not worth that scholarship. I'm not worth it. I'm worthless to any alma mater.

My mind is cluttered with all these ideas that maybe I'm not even that smart to begin with. I start thinking, maybe college is not the way to go. I start to think maybe I should just find the next man I meet and marry him and live life as a housewife, without the burdens of education. Oh God, what am I thinking? I wish I could call them and tell them that their rejection of me has caused me mental instability so in order to relieve the tension on my brain they should just let me in anyway.

Darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it. darn it.

I WANT TO SCREAM.

To-do list (within the next four days):

1. Work on Satire pamplet for Spradley: come up with witty subject
2. Go to 24 hour fitness to take advantage of 10 day pass
3. Work on Ronnenkamp's AP test and actually finish
4. Look over Accounting tests
5. Reread The Sacred Romance
6. Watch Chicago again

Hello, yes I have changed back to my original template. I like this template. Simplicity...that's the key.

i went to Ar-kansas over the weekend.

It was...interesting. The high point of the entire trip was horseback riding. I went twice. So, now my legs feel like noodles and it hurts when i walk. I even look like those cowboys who walk with their feet apart as if they're still riding the horse. Oh! and i made pooh dance. =)

hello world,

i seem to be doing this blog on a weekly basis. That's odd. Cause I have a lot of free time. I would think that I'd be blogging away like no other. But I'm not. Blogging is not a priority of mine. I want to say that I have better things to do. But i really don't. I just kinda drift off on my bed. Speaking of which, I've been sleeping way too much. I usually go to sleep around 11 or 12 at night, wake up at 6, come home at 2, bum around until 4, take a 4 hour nap, wake up at 8, eat dinner and hw for 3 or 4 hours and then go to sleep at 11 or 12. so that's approximately 13 hours that I'm awake each cycle and approximately 11 hours I'm asleep. wow. im asleep for almost half a day. You know, too much sleep is a sign of depression.

I have social anxiety disorder you guys. I get nervous just talking to people and I panic when having to speak to people, even in casual conversation. I'd rather chat on AIM just to avoid them having to see me or hear my voice. I wonder why this is. Oye, not definitely...def- definitely no-not a goo-good thi-ing.

Send me my rejection letter already!!

I like to sing. I like to dance. I like to write. I like to read. I want to sing. I want to dance. I want to write. I want to read.

It's sure is hot in herre. It's gettin hot in herre. I am gettin so hott. I'mma take my clothes offf.

Evanescence has become so mainstreem that I dislike it. I liked the idea that I was the only one who knew about them.

Last Wednesday, my English teacher wanted the entire class to discuss the commonly used allusions in poems. She handed us a handout that had a list of allusions from the Bible and of Greek mythology. Well, i glanced at it. I thought, "yeah, I guess i know some of the old testament. But mainly more of the Gospels." So I didn't really bother with it. I just spaced out for quite awhile. Until Divya asked me if i wanted to discuss some of it together. I was like, ok.

She asked me about each and every single one of the old testament. I started to tell her about Cain and Abel, Noah and the flood, Abraham and Sarah, Abraham and Isaac, Moses and Egypt....and the list goes on. Basically, I told her as much of the Old testament as I could. I was really surprised that I knew so much. At the same time, I realized I'm not capable of teaching about the Bible. I'm not good at explaining things very well. I start to mumble and stutter. I know the stuff. Just can't verbally translate it. Once and awhile I would look around the class to see if anyone was doing the same: explaining the Bible. Alicia had a group listening to her and so did Annie. It was kinda cool. They both looked so excited about sharing God. For the most part, I was excited. Cause while i was talking to her, I thought "this is a great way to witness to someone, telling them about God through the Bible" and I got all happy. But then I was afraid I would butcher the details if I wasn't cool and aloof about it. *shrugs* I hope I got to her in some way.

I also had a hard time explaining to Divya how I knew so much about it and trying not to use "spiritual terms" or "Christianese". As well as the fact that I had to go into a lot of detail because she doesn't know anything about the Bible. =/ it was fun, nonetheless.

Close your eyes for just one moment. Imagine all of life became clear in a split second. You knew what you wanted from living on earth. You realized that all you needed was love. That the greatest thing that you can do is love. What then? What happens after? Is that it? An epiphany of some sort...and then nothing? I go about it the wrong way. I go about it in terms of having one person to love. Why not love the world in its entirety?

Oye, i find myself caring for others more than for my own welfare. Once I begin to consume myself with others' problems, I forget my own insecurities, my own deals with the world. But how can I do so successfully, without getting stabbed and shot at, without being wounded with the poisonous arrows. He never said it was easy...he never really did...

Everyone has a story. Just let them sing it out.