zombies

What a frightening dream. I don't know where it began, but it seemed as if I was being picked up from the airport and already distraught from the news of a zombie apocalypse. D (surprisingly) was the one to pick me up and my one request was for him to hold me and not let go while we walked through the abandoned streets. And he agreed. As we walked down the streets, I would see zombies out of the corner of my eye and D assured me that they wouldn't harm me which I thought was odd. Once we were more removed from the zombies, I tried looking for my mother hoping she was still human. After searching for a while, I found my mom except she didn't really acknowledge me. But I went with her anyway.

That night there was a dinner that I was obligated to attend and wasn't sure why. It turned out that the zombies weren't attacking because of an agreement made. There was a sacrifice to made on behalf of human kind which would happen the day after. After that, the zombies will live in peace with us. But I was very skeptical to think the zombies would just agree to live with us. So, the next day, I went to my house awaiting the sacrifice to be made so that we can go back to normalcy. But. I was wrong. An undead woman came to my door, trying to break in. And I kept her out until she reached the back door. I told her to go away, but she said, "you are not going to keep me from coming in." Soon the bolts for the door started to shake and I started to scream for fear of my life. Then I woke up.

I've been having many nightmares lately. I'm not sure why. I hope I have sweeter dreams tonight.

life is moving too fast, I can't catch up

Oh dear, many of my good or close friends are getting married or having babies. It's here. It was inevitable. Life is speeding past me, I don't know how to run faster.

What to do.

28

It only just recently struck me that I'm 28 years old. It happened when I met up P and J a few days ago. They came to Taipei for vacation and it was so amazing to see them here. I get super excited when I have friends come visit me, and there have been quite a few who have purposely chosen to meet me which really warms my heart. But anyway, we met up to go to eat lunch, walk through the National Palace Museum, got milk tea, walked around to find a parlor, picked up a 12 boxes of pineapple cakes, and ate spicy hot pot. We had good conversations all around, mainly to catch up and share stories of what our lives have been about these last few years. Now that I've had to time to slow down and recollect our past, I can't believe it's been nearly 10 years since we've known each other, that's when my age had finally hit me. Not in a bad way, but a wow, time surely has passed kind of way. We've all grown up and moved on with our lives in our separate directions. We were so young and naive back in college, and now, probably still young and naive, but at least, prepared to face the world as it comes knowing that there's always room to grow and learn.

Hiking in Filial Son Mountain

There were just so many funny moments on this hike that I need to record it somewhere before I forget.

N: I feel like I'm walking like a fat person.
J: I'm sorry for touching your butt.
G: This was not what I was expecting.
S: Slow pace.
G: I look like I rolled around in mud.
A: He needs to fill his pants.
G: Why are you fixated on his ass?

It was a grueling 5.5 hours of hiking followed by the lantern festival and all of it was well worth it.

Recently, I've noticed that I'm enjoying all my physical activities. I'm much more active than I have ever been. Even though my body hasn't been showing the effort I've put into it, I feel much healthier and lighter. Swimming, walking, and occasionally hiking, consciously aware of what I'm eating...all have been good habits that I've adopted since moving to Taipei. I know that I would not do the same in Texas, lol.

going out

Saturday night was great. Elaine invited me to have dinner with her family. By then, I had hung out with her family quite a few times and felt like I was a part of their family in some way. That night, E's dad was treating her mom's whole side of the family which included her "half" family. I still find it wild that her grandfather had two wives and each wife has 4 children who has had children which means a very confused me. I kept asking who was related to who and who's child is who's. It's so wild but at the same time so amazing. Because she has such a big family and everyone is still very much close or at the very least cordial and willing to meet for family reunions. Her dad's side of the family is also huge. Anyway...

So, I went to 京華城 around 5pm. I arrived early so I walked around a bit. As the elevator door opens up to go to the 9th floor, I saw that it was nearly full but I recognized E's cousin and I quickly realized everyone in the elevator was part of E's family and E was in the back! lol. So, there were two rooms -- one for the adults, one for the children and both had karaoke. There were approximately 40 people in attendance and it was really fun. After dinner, we were headed to Club Pasoul. E's cousin had connections to a lot of clubs so he got us in for free even though he wasn't there; he just spoke to the cashier and we were in. The club itself was nice. It had a very lounge-y feel to it. Once we got in, we decided to get drinks. As we waited, I was sad to see no one dancing. While we stood there with our drinks, a host came by and offered the empty tables to us and it was 1000NT which wasn't bad at all. R mentioned her cousin said that once you get the drink coupon, get a drink, and they'll give you free drink refills. I was almost in disbelief until we saw people going up to the bar with empty glasses and pitchers. I was thinking, "this is too good to be true!" Once I saw someone get a refill, my spirit was lifted and I was immediately overjoyed. I haven't felt that excited about anything until that point. I stuck with whiskey and coke all night.

The DJ was playing house music up until maybe 11:30p. Once he started playing top 40, we started to feel loose and dancey. R and I went to the dance floor when there weren't that much people. But suddenly a flood of people came unto the dance floor and to my surprise, most of them were guys! It was weird. So, I walked to our tables because it was getting too crowded. A funny moment was when Beyonce's "Crazy in Love" came on, we all got excited because she's from Houston and A yelled, "Houston reppin' in the house!"

It was my first official club experience in Taipei and it was a decent one especially because of the free drink refills.

dream man

Dear The Man in my Dreams,

You are exactly what I want. You know exactly what to say to give me chills and butterflies. You know what to do to make me smile and giddy. Your smile makes my heart melt. Your touch feels more real to me than my last handshake. 

I wish...I could stay with you forever. 

meanderings

I miss the days when blogging was the prominent thing to do amongst my friends. I remember the first year I entered college, xanga was on everyone's daily to-do list. Whether it was recording the day's happenings, reflections, tragedies, comedies, anything-- at least one friend would update on something!

I'm determined to bring it back, somehow. lol. Okay, maybe not so much. I haven't publicly chronicled my journey in this foreign land. Is it about time that I do?

Probably. I've already had way too many fob moments. I've been forgetting words, forming incorrect sentences, and looking up the dictionary for words I inherently know the meaning to...

If I consistently blog, it'll help me maintain proper English and put my thoughts in writing. Which brings me back to my original thought. lol. I wish more people blogged because I would feel more connected to my friends and keep me inspired to write my own thoughts on this little spec.

He said, "You're more beautiful in person than you are in your photo." :)

That was the most memorable line of the date.

So I went on a date with a boy. He wanted to eat sukiyaki, so we met up after my class to eat lunch. With this being our first meeting after a couple skype conversations, I went into the date with the expectation of making a friend. Thus, it turned out to be very casual and brief. He wasn't exactly sure of the location of the restaurant, so I found it kind of ironic that I was leading the two of us to a restaurant he had been to before. I tried to make sure our conversation flowed because we already had a language barrier. Lunch was good. I enjoyed that he was thoughtful in making sure I ate the foods I liked. Once we were done eating though, the conversation started to feel strained. I think I felt I was beginning to irritate him, maybe? I was asking a lot of questions and at one point, felt like I was prying.   He misunderstood me when I asked, "Was the divorce recent?" He began to say, "I don't know the reason..." Then, I repeated myself to avoid correcting him. And he thought for a moment, and shorted with, "That doesn't matter."


Maybe I shouldn't ask about someone's parents' divorce, maybe? Maybe that's a memo I missed. 


Once that moment passed, I just decided to keep it cool and aloof. We paid our checks separately and were on our way to the movie theater to watch the Amazing Spiderman. Again, I led the way. Once we arrived at the theater, the next movie time available was 8:45pm which was like 6 hours later. So he decided to go home because he was waiting for a call. We parted ways and that was it.

I don't think this guy knows how to woo a girl -- much like many Taiwanese guys. Even though I had the expectation of gaining a friendship, I don't think he can afford to be so passive about relationships at his age. Is that judgmental? Probably.

To be completely honest, I seem to be easily bored with the dates I've been on. There's that first initial twinge of excitement about meeting with someone new and possibly interesting -- full of promise and potential. But as the date progresses, I find myself losing interest, bored, and disappointed.

massage envy

Today, I went to get a full body massage and a facial with my aunt. I've always been wary of people touching me -- I even flinch when friends try to hug me. But I'm always up for a new experience and I heard Taiwanese massage spas are the best. The spa is a short walk from Ming Yao heading south and was a quaint little place that reminds me of a Japanese cottage in the woods or something. I stripped down and took a quick rinse. My masseuse looked like she was in her early 20s. She told me to lay face down. She started with my legs and told me to tell her what level of pressure was comfortable for me. To be honest, she was so strong and everything she did hurt, but I didn't say anything. I could feel myself tense up each time she massaged against my muscles. Once she was done with my legs, she started working on my back. It was quiet up until the time she started on my arms. She saw my tattoo and excitedly started to ask me questions about if it hurt and how she wouldn't do it herself. I'm glad she broke the ice because that's when I started to loosen up. We exchanged questions about life here, our families, and boys :p Then it was time for my front side. By then, I was much more relaxed. The body massage was for an hour and then the following hour was the facial. I liked the facial very much. Once she was finished, I got up and had trouble walking straight -- my calves were killing me. lol. It was an overall enjoyable experience. My aunt already scheduled me for another  one next Friday.

She bought a 100-session deal for 4,000NT, 400NT per 2-hour session is like 15USD. It's an amazing deal. I think a regular session is about 800NT which is still cheaper than it is in the states. And I assume the quality is much better too...oh I'm sore.

costco

Taipei has two Costco locations!! My goodness, once I walked in, I felt like I was in the states again buying bulk. Except all the bulk items now are in Chinese.

After we finished, I ran straight towards the deli to buy a polish and drink for 50NT. #simplejoy

sudoku

i learned how to play it today! #simplejoy

mini bombs of family drama

My mom just dropped a bunch of family drama my way. Occasionally, I imagine what growing up in a semi-stable family would look like. But then, I revert back to reality and remember that everyone is handed exactly what he or she needs. What matters is what you do in response.

When I think about having children, I ask myself, would I want to raise children in the state that the world is in right now? Sad to say, but I'm leaning more towards no.

How do I pray for God to develop patience in my future husband?
-Pray he will turn to God and that God's peace will help him to be inwardly calm and willing to wait.
-Pray he will have a quiet and steady faithfulness to God.
-Pray he will be content in every state he finds himself in.
-Pray his eyes will be focused on things to come, rather than things he wished he had now.
-Pray he will not push for answers before the time is right.
-Pray he will trust God's sense of timing.
-Pray he will be reminded of all the times God has been patient with him.
-Pray he waits with hope and expectancy.

The Love Story

Will your love story come true? For many of you it will. Concerning your future husband it could be in the near(er) future, or like some, it could be years in the distance. It could be a quick romance. It could be a slow falling in love. It could be exactly like you pictured it or like nothing you ever dreamed. But when the day comes that your story is celebrated by your closest friends and family, you'll know that every prayer was worth it. And you might even wish you'd prayed more, because prayers are the first gifts you give to your future husband. Gifts that heaven participates in giving.

While we can't guarantee every one of you will have that type of love story, there is another type we do believe will take place. Everyone, everywhere can have a beautiful love story with her God. It begins the moment you look into His eyes, realize how much you are loved, and give your love and commitment in return.

While we cannot guarantee your prayers will lead you down the aisle to a waiting mate, we do know that every prayer whispered is precious to God. None of them are wasted. While we hope your prayers for the man of your dreams come true, we know that your prayers bring you closer to the God of your eternity. And seeing the love in His gaze is the most beautiful love story of all.

If you are to be committed to anything, be committed to preparing your heart for God's — in this way — and in every other aspect of your life. The love you'll experience will be life-changing, and the celebration in eternity is one to look forward to with all your heart.

excerpt from "Praying for Your Future Husband"
by Tricia Goyer and Robin Jones Gunn

The Voice

Adam Levine: First of all, Blake, you a real vocalist, a damn good vocalist.
Blake Shelton: Thank you. I love you, Adam.
Adam Levine: I love you, too...totally in a non-sexual way.
Blake Shelton: ...I can't say the same.

BigByte

So, I taught English to young learners for approximately two months. A female teacher who is my age was pregnant, and the school was desperately looking for a substitute to fill her position while she took her maternity leave. I happily stepped in. These last two months were great. I learned a lot from observing her and other teachers and how they teach kids. I had a good handle on the kids before their winter break, but never regained the same level of control. I don't know if it was because of all the school activities or that I was a bad teacher, but I had a hard time.

Like last week, for instance, I asked the students to do a simple writing exercise. But they wouldn't stop complaining, kept getting out of their seat, and disrupting class. There was a boy who explicitly said, "I don't like Teacher Grace." I didn't know if he was trying to say, "I don't like {writing}, Teacher Grace," or that he really meant his distaste for me...

Nevertheless, I miss them. I met up with the HR lady who hired me in the first place. I was under the impression that this was a sure thing -- that I would definitely have a spot for the upcoming year. But within the first ten minutes of our conversation, she said there weren't any openings at the school.

This isn't a bad thing, it gives me a chance to venture out and try other schools or other job opportunities. Also, it's given me a lot of time to think if teaching really is something that I can see myself doing. But, after the pondering comes to a short pause, all I can think about is how much I miss my friends. Yes, I have a weird dependency on them -- can't say no, people pleaser, separation anxiety, etc. But it's one of those feelings I can't let go, no matter how attractive living in Taipei is. Pros: the healthcare is amazing here, cost of living is minimal, and most importantly, my parents. The fact that I don't have friends here isn't a big deal. My dad says that my friends in the US will always be there for me. If I move back to the states, I won't have a car, a home, or a job...

a job. right. I need to find a job now. Which brings me back to my first thought. I wonder if I would make a good teacher. I'm leaning more towards no. so confused. Oh well, I'll just procrastinate some more in the meantime.

American Idol Season 11

I was never really an avid follower of American Idol. Now that it is in its 11th season, I finally have fallen prey to the Idol bug. My love for music is returning to my heart now that I'm following Heejun Han and Phillip Phillips. Being overseas, I won't be able to participate in the voting. But I'm definitely going to buy Phillips record once he wins.

Recap

Man, I just realized I've had this blog for nearly 12 years. It's crazy how old I've gotten and how the experiences of my life has been recorded in this little spec of the internet.

So I have to recap 2011 for memory's sake.

• Put the house on the market
• Kissed a stranger
• Ran a 5k
• Being a whole lot of awesome as a Maid of Honor
• Shot a semi-automatic at a shooting range
• Learned how to let go
• Sold the house
• Tigger's passing
• Moved to Taipei
• Became a teacher (whaaat?)
• Readjusting to living with parents again

It was a crazy year -- but I'm glad I went through it. Made me stronger.

It's hard to describe how I've been feeling lately. I recently moved away from all that is familiar to me to this new foreign place. I came here thinking I would find my greater purpose in this strange new place. For the first few weeks, I was invigorated --excited about the new environment and what the future will hold for me. But as time grows, I find myself to be the same person just in a different place. There are pros and cons to being here, no doubt.

At the end of the day, the sum of my problem is that I have a hard time making friends. Which, ultimately, has left me sad and lonely.

Psalm 104:24-35

24 How many are your works, O LORD! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures.
25 There is the sea, vast and spacious, teeming with creatures beyond number-- living things both large and small.
26 There the ships go to and fro, and the leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.
27 These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time.
28 When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.
29 When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust.
30 When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth.
31 May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works--
32 he who looks at the earth, and it trembles, who touches the mountains, and they smoke.
33 I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD.
35 But may sinners vanish from the earth and the wicked be no more. Praise the LORD, O my soul. Praise the LORD.

favorite illustration

"..It is quite clear from what you say that you have conscious wishes on both sides. And now,. another point about wishes. A wish may lead to false beliefs, granted. But what does the existence of the wish suggest? At one time I was much impressed by Arnold's line `Nor does the being hungry prove that we have bread.' But surely tho' it doesn't prove that one particular man will get food, it does prove that there is such a thing as food! i.e. if we were a species that didn't normally eat, weren't designed to eat, wd. we feel hungry? You say the materialist universe is `ugly.' I wonder how you discovered that! If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it you don't feel at home there? Do fish complain of the sea for being wet? Or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures? Notice how we are perpetually surprisedat Time. (`How time flies! Fancy John being grown-up and married! I can hardly believe it!') In heaven's name, why? Unless, indeed, there is something about us that is not temporal."

letters written to Sheldon Vanauken by C. S. Lewis

sing a song

You Are For Me by Kari Jobe

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

goodbye baby

I've cried everyday since Tigger left us. I didn't realize how much I would miss him, how much I regret not having been the best owner. I wish I would've picked him up more, rubbed his belly, or fed him treats. I keep rewinding to the moment when I realized he was no longer with us and I kept looking at him, thinking he would plop back up as he usually does. Then I thought, this isn't my dog.

And now, I'm in denial. I'm in my room, thinking he'll poke his head by nudging his nose through crack of the door, pace throughout my room, reach to the right side of my bed, and lay on his belly as he awaits for me to sleep or to take him out for a walk. I'm at work, anticipating going home to take him on a walk, get the mail, and feed him his 3rd meal of the day. I wait on the couch, hoping he'll jump up and sit between me and the armrest of the couch when there's nearly 6 ft of space between myself and the other side of the couch.

I would give anything to hear him sing again. I would give anything to see his tail wag when he anticipates jumping into the car on a trip with us. I would give anything to have him wait patiently by me as i eat, and him hoping i would drop a morsel of turkey his way. I would give anything just for him to nudge my hand to pet him and rub the back of his ears. I would give anything just to have him follow me around the house. I would give anything to hear him bark, come to find it was me who came through the backdoor, and wait for me to pet him.

I want him to follow me up the stairs. I want him to lead me to his water bowl to tell me he's thirsty. I want him to scratch the door to tell me he's ready to come back in from his walk.

He was such a stubborn dog, entitled, mischievous, and prideful. He was independent, easy to please, and loved to eat. He knew Chinese and would sing for me though it hurt his ears. He played rough with me and played tag.

Our family split in 2009, my parents in Taiwan and us here. Did I ever tell you that? I'm not sure. Once my mom moved away, he's never really been the same. I think he also died of a broken heart.

Now, mine is broken too. i miss you.

hope

Maybe there really is a turn for the better...

I finally did it. And it feels exhilarating. I've been wanting to this for a while now and I finally followed through. It feels different than the other goals I've made in the past. Somehow this feels, life-changing.

I have a sudden deeper appreciation for why I'm here. Not just to exist, but to love. Maybe that's all I really want proof of-- that true love exists... for me.

bs

This eczema on the left side of my neck is starting to puss, gross.

Lately, a question has been posed in front of me and I keep coming back to it.

"Grace, why are you single?"

A few people have asked me. Surprisingly, men. I don't know if they ask out of curiosity, interest, or pure intrigue. But, I ask myself the same question. I know that I'm a good catch. But as far as why I'm single, I'm unsure.

I'd like to think I'm waiting on God.

The true lines in Jerry Maguire:

J: You complete me.

D: Shut up, shut up. You had me at hello...but lost me at "you complete me".

hello again.

I dreamt about you again. Lisa and I went to your apartment after buying groceries. And we took some time to relax. And I began to wonder how you could've possibly met Lisa-- you two run in different social circles. This would've been when my dream would've turned lucid, but it hadn't.

Why are you here?

super stealth

I went to Memorial Shooting Center yesterday with Joann. It was really fun! At first, I was kind of intimidated by the gun and fearful that I wouldn't be able to handle the recoil. But after a few rounds, I was no longer scared and enjoying my time.

So, as a result, last night I had a dream. I have had this recurring nightmare of being in school again, specifically in college, where I'm on campus or in bed and somehow I keep missing my Tuesday/Thursday class in fear of failing the class. I don't know why i have this recurring dream.

And like most of my other dreams, I'm usually found in the middle of an action scene where I'm only a spectator because I am helpless. But I suppose, after going to the range I felt empowered. And it played out in my dreams. Earlier on in the dream, I saw a man place a gun into a backpack and the backpack was in close range of me. So, as they were discussing their villany plans, I decided to be stealthy, reach for the gun, and fire a kill shot to his head. I aimed strategically and fired! To my dismay, the bullet bounced off his head. As he charged towards me, I played it off as a joke like "haha, jk. I shot you!" *twinkle eye*

"You're a great catch and any guy would be lucky to have you."

This made my week.

I'm a big cry baby

tears

I went to the bank to get something. A new thing that I've started to do is that while i'm there, I'll try on my mother's ring, cry a single tear upon seeing it on my finger with mixed emotions.

On one hand, I look at how beautiful it is and wonder when I'll have the same. The euphoric feeling of being in love and happily married. On the other hand, I think about how my mother wore it on her wedding day. Suddenly I'm flooded with thoughts of my mom.

This mother's day weekend, I felt extremely anti-social, thereby screening all of my phone calls and making the decision to stay home. When will this getting easier?

My friends were saying how the OT was a hard read, and they were patiently waiting for me to explain dispensationalism to them.

I was wearing a red dress waiting for the event to begin. We were ushered unto the red carpet. Instead of taking advantage of the limelight, all I wanted to do was smoke the rest of my cigars. I also felt like one of those female jazz performers that wear tassels on their dresses while anticipating my crush to notice me and sweep me off my feet.

It seems like this is turning into a dream blog. I'm hoping to perform inception in the near future.

I've been overly contemplative lately. Rereading some of my old posts reminds me of how intuitive and analytical I was as a student. How hungry I was for information and trying to soak in my environment. Since I've started to work at a desk job, I try desparately to numb my mind along with my body. After work, the first thing I want to do is turn on the tv and just veg.

I'm afraid if I continue on this path, I'll become a couch potato.

I had several interesting conversations over the last couple of days. I recently rediscovered that men have insecurities just as women do. I think I've been so disconnected from the men in my life that I don't really know how to interact with them. I also think that I've unconsciously put my shield up for the last 6 months. Anyway, what I've concluded from these conversations it that I need to be confident and be myself. The people in my life have loved me thus far, there's nothing I can do to lose them (regardless if I want to or not).

But more importantly, I must do my best to glorify God with my thoughts, words, and actions.

It's been a while since I've had a sweet, surreal dream.

I was out with Joann and Angela. We were in what seemed like a mall. We were browsing through clothes. I noticed a group of guys walked by and were checking us out. I was too busy looking at some clothes and suddenly, Angela was nudging (or pushing) me towards the outer edge of the store and then I bumped into him. My heart skipped a beat and I had to remind myself to breathe. His friends had also "accidentally" pushed him towards me. We both looked at each other and laughed. He asked me how I was and exclaimed that it was so great to run into me. I smiled and said, "likewise." We sat somewhere while the others roamed about. He leaned in and told me that he was really happy to see me. He was explaining that he was just thinking about me. Prior to bumping into me, he had told his friends about me and our past. He said he was delighted to run into me after all this time. Soon, his face had leaned in so close, I thought he was going to kiss me. But he paused and we were interrupted by our friends. They wanted to go watch a movie. As he and I were walking, we were side by side with his arms around me at my waist. And for the first time, I felt safe.

What does this mean?

Lately, I've been really irritated, annoyed, frustrated, or otherwise, angry. For some odd reason, I've been very defensive towards the people around me. I may not have necessarily expressed these emotions to anyone specific. But I couldn't pinpoint where all this hostility was rooted in. It could be a number of reasons at this point.

About a month ago, my mom called me at work and as usual, she started spewing out all the things I needed to do (ie transfer money, pay for insurance, clean, file taxes). My frustration with her is that she's always doing that! It's never been about how am I doing. Or if I'm okay, emotionally. If anything, that comes later after she's made certain that things are getting done. I thought I had left work once I'm home. Even now, I'm tearing up. When she had talked to me that day, she also mentioned the crisis in Japan and told me not to think about going to Taiwan any time soon. And I think that's what tipped me over. Look at what you've done to me. This house isn't even mine. I didn't buy this house. It wasn't my decision to settle down here. I've been working for three years and I have nothing to show for it. I can't even save enough for retirement because of this burden.

They want me to be happy. They want me to express myself. How can I express myself when I am this miserable? If I did, it would only make them upset.

I made sure to distance myself towards my parents. It's easier to do because they are so far away. I even thought about completely cutting them out of my life because then I wouldn't have to be in this much pain...

After I spoke with my mom that day, I burst into tears. It was embarrassing. I ran to the bathroom, praying no one would be in there. Sure enough, my coworker was in there. I ran into the stall and tried to regain composure (which I'm usually really good at doing).

I'm at the end of my rope at this point.

Even last night, after weeks of not speaking, I just have to be numb when I speak to them because otherwise, I'd start crying. I hate this. I really do.

vegas

vegas was crazy, crazy fun. Now, must get back to reality.

February 18 thru 20

Friday
Left for Dallas around 2pm, got stuck in traffic, started to mass text people on the way, arrived at Lisa's around 9ish, had dinner with Mika and Lisa at La Madeleine, went to Steven's place to meet up Zoe, Andrew, Steven, Jason, and Thomas, nostalgia, Star Karaoke, Soju shots, Phuong came with friends, loitering outside, lisa's overnight.

Saturday
Woke up around 10 to start getting ready, met up with Andrew, Steven, and Thomas at Tofu house, so good!, good times, leave by 1:30ish because ceremony was close to the restaurant, carpooled with Andrew, wedding at 2, cried like a baby, left for Andrew's to rest and watched HIMYM Mermaid Theory, reception at 6, cried some more, Knox on Knox with Phuong, Pham, and Abe, Phuong's overnight

Sunday
Woke up, chatted with Phuong, lunch with the girls and Jerry at Fadi's, back to lisa's to open belated bday gifts, leave 4pm

a new year

it just hit me, it's a new year...

2007 - Baylor Graduation
2008 - Golden Bank, N.A.
2009 - Heart Attack
2010 - Rebellion
2011 - ??

season of change

After talking with Jennifer about disliking change, I thought to myself, 'Am I opposed to change?' I told her my viewpoint is that I want change on my own terms...

But change happens to us rather or not we like it. If change does not occur, we are unable to progress, become better people, stronger, wiser, etc.

And we aren't in control of what happens to us anyway. A lot of times, I argue with God about His sovereignty. At my worst, I thought what's the point of trying at all if God is going to do what He wants...

A lot of changes are upon me in my life, and I can't do anything about it-- my complaining thus far hasn't changed anything.

Once again, I must put aside my flesh and pride, and remember how sweet it was to be near God and readily recognize the presence of God in my life... regardless if it's on my terms or not.

human interaction

Thanksgiving Day - Eva and Mika came down to Houston to visit me. It was a hectic morning because I woke up to go for a run and clean a little bit before they came. At around 11, they called and asked me how much longer it would take for them to get to my house. I estimated an hour because they were in the Woodlands. Then I lost track of time, and before I knew it, 20 minutes had passed. So I jumped into the shower and when I came out there they were! lol Andy and Michael were packing, so I guess they let them in. After I got dressed and ready to go, we went out for lunch to House of Bowls where Peter met us up there later. We talked for nearly 4 hours. It was fun catching up, talking about relationships because we were all single, and planning our next vacation. Afterwards, we went home so that I could start making dinner. I made kim chi soup and samgyupsal, and Mika brought a whole ham from Dallas! It was an interesting meal. I had work the next day, so we didn't stay up late.

Black Friday - I worked. Since I wouldn't have time to make the green bean casserole I had prepared to make, I asked Michael to do it. And once work was over, I rushed home to pick up the dish. But while i was on my way home, Michael called and said I didn't buy enough ingredients, so I went to HEB and decided to make a salad instead which would be quick and nutritious. Went to church Thanksgiving party -- fried turkey always so good, baby Audra so cute, and catching up with Lui and Jennifer. After dinner was done, I drove to Tapioca House to meet up Mika, Eva, Sarah, and Peter. Another great time-- talking and laughing. We got home and I passed out.

Saturday - We decided to have Dim Sum with Hongya and Joe at Fung's Kitchen. It was delicious! But poor Sarah. Halfway through the meal, we realized we had forgotten to call Sarah to meet us up for lunch. Yikes! But it was all good because she had lunch plans anyway, so she came to say goodbye to Mika and Eva and drop off the things Eva had left in her car.

It was a nice weekend. I miss hanging out with the friends.

prayer

I asked God to humble me,

and it's been the only answered prayer.

1 Have mercy on me, O God, according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts [a] ;
you teach [b] me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
and sinners will turn back to you.

14 Save me from bloodguilt, O God,
the God who saves me,
and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.

15 O Lord, open my lips,
and my mouth will declare your praise.

16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.

17 The sacrifices of God are [c] a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

18 In your good pleasure make Zion prosper;
build up the walls of Jerusalem.

19 Then there will be righteous sacrifices,
whole burnt offerings to delight you;
then bulls will be offered on your altar.
Psalm 51:1-19

"instead of victimizing yourself, do something to overcome the situation. -A"

Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses. Proverbs 27:6

unbelievable

I can't believe what just happened.

My brother mentioned another conference his church is promoting. Two guys named Bonnke and Dr. Crandall. Men of miracles.

And then he shows me a video of men and women receiving gold teeth, gold dust, manna and gem stones in church.

But the pivotal moment is when he decided to talk about false prophets. All these miracles, signs, and wonders are all a part of Jesus' ministry. To say that Jesus has changed is to go against the Bible. Jesus was, is, and will be the same.

John 14:12-14
I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Son may bring glory to the Father. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it.

If anyone teaches contrary to the scripture, he is a false prophet. I felt like he was suggesting that the teaching I've been receiving at church is false and I need to have a grander picture of God. For me to not believe in miracles, signs, and wonders, makes me a "pharisee." The kicker was when he suggested that I didn't know the gospel. I told him that it's not that I don't believe these miracles occur today, but the danger is the focus. If we put too much emphasis on the miracles, we lose sight of that's important here, our relationship with God. The most important thing to me is that Jesus is my Savior and he died on the cross for my sin and rose again to redeem me. "Jesus is our Savior, that's it?"

I replied, "Andy, did you just hear yourself speak?" I was thinking, 'Jesus being our Savior isn't enough for you?'

"Grace, you need to know the full gospel."

And after that, I no longer wished to talk to him.

I'm confused and heart broken.

Mortal Error

"We have tried to secure spiritual pleasures by working upon fleshly emotions and whipping up synthetic feeling by means wholly carnal. And the total effect has been evil." A.W. Tozer

Fun Times

Carnival Conquest: Bahamas 2010

I had a great time on the cruise!

Day 1 - FBCC, Sonic, traffic, meeting new friends, boarding, BOOZE, waiting, exploring the ship, HAIR, SSQQ party, young people, feeling left out/we don't belong, dinner, welcome aboard show.

Day 2 - Breakfast, Foxtrot, Salsa Rueda, being a boy, laying on deck, name tag tan, karaoke, Marcus, head bob, dancing

Day 3 - Breakfast, Swing, Salsa Rueda, lunch, tanzanite, Swing, formal dinner, dancing, star gazing

Day 4 - Nassau, Bahamas, rainbow rings, alexandrite, Tropicana, salty water, nail polish, dancing-cumbia

Day 5 - Freeport, Bahamas, taxi, boobs, soft sand, umbrella!, dancing

Day 6 - Key West, Florida, government beach, love affair, parasailing, Don't hold the metal!, parachute?, stand when you land, bad example, formal dinner, awesome juggler, SSQQ dancing in the lobby

Day 7 - Breakfast, Club Music dance, band aid tan, legends show

sweet dream

We were in a hotel with my family and I looked across the room and realize there was someone famous sitting there. He was really cute and he smiled at me. My parents asked if I wanted to go and take a picture with him. When I stood next to him for the picture, I felt him pull me closer to him which gave me butterflies. He was really attractive--tall, dark, and handsome. I think he was an athlete. Well, we went up to our hotel room and the room itself reminded me of the rooms we used to get in Vegas as a child--the hotel suites with a full bar and dining room. It was huge. Once we were settled in, I decided I wanted to talk to this guy. My dream started to become disjointed at that point, but I do remember just feeling giddy because I was with him, laughing, flirting, and giggling. I felt so desirable and wanted to be in the dream so much that I didn't want to wake up.

Bucket List

1. Perform a solo on stage.
2. Skydive.
3. Bungee Jump.
4. Enter a dance competition.
5. Go cliff diving.
6. Leap off of Niagra Falls.
7. Go white water rafting.
8. Backpack through Europe.
9. Crash a senior prom.
10. Climb a real rock.
11. Participate in a marathon.
12. Participate in a triathlon.

getaway

I'm going to Austin this weekend! I'm switching cars with Michael and attending a friend's birthday celebration. I'm looking forward to it thoroughly. I find myself planning vacations at work. muahaha.

what's your flavor?

Learning to dance salsa has been such an enjoyable experience. Not only do I learn to dance, but I also enjoy the company of fellow novice dancers. Along with that, I meet several men (my age!) who are interested in expanding their horizons. It is so refreshing.

But a thought hit me today. I am attracted to men with Latin flavor. Being around the Hispanic men in class, I feel a rush of intrigue when they speak even a hint of Spanish. Then I remembered that my ex was from Ecuador, and how I thoroughly enjoyed that particular aspect of him--to be able to speak several languages with one being Spanish. As with any remembrance, nostalgia comes rushing in along with the associated feelings.

I suppose I wouldn't mind dating someone not Asian.

knowledge

"The secret things belong to the LORD our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may follow all the words of this law."
Deuteronomy 29:29

The Lord reveals to us what we need for salvation and holy living.

Last night was so fun.

Love is.

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
Love does not envy.
Love does not boast.
Love is not proud.
Love is not rude.
Love is not self-seeking.
Love is not easily angered.
Love keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil.
Love rejoices with the truth.
Love always protects.
Love always trusts.
Love always hopes.
Love always perseveres.
Love never fails.

walk by the Spirit

"Love is the key-- Joy is love singing. Peace is love resting. Long-suffering is love enduring. Kindness is love’s touch. Goodness is love’s character. Faithfulness is love’s habit. Gentleness is love’s self-forgetfulness. Self-control is love holding the reigns.”
Donald G. Barnhouse

"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law."
Galatians 5:22-23

A super saint who is a loveless saint is no saint at all.

I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I wish to be, I am not what I hope to be; but, by the grace of God, I am not what I was. -John Newton

Pyramid Scheme

I think I almost fell for a pyramid scheme.

I was contacted through Career Builder about a job in sales for Lionheart Assurance Solutions. After coming off of my previous interview, I was open and willing to interview for companies simply for interview experience not necessarily interested in the position itself--bad idea.

I responded to the interest email with optimism and eagerness to interview for a job with seemingly great potential. In response, I immediately got an email scheduling the interview where I pick from interview time slots--1st flag. But I thought nothing of it because my college internship interviews were formatted the same way.

So, come interview day, I started to calculate my lunch break and how I could maximize the commute to the interview office, the interview, and the commute back to the bank on top of preparing my answers to all the interview questions I expected. As I drove, I prayed that I wouldn't be late and was passing through traffic with anxiety. When I went through the doors, I was a little proud of myself for making it at 1 on the dot. Once I went in, there were several people waiting to be interviewed--2nd flag--I thought I was going to be interviewed by the person who interviewed me.

Turns out it was a "group interview." The man asked each of us to introduce ourselves, tell why we were there, and what is our best asset. I went first--and after all that was done, he started to explain the company, the job, and the commission. I was thinking, great, good background information, he'll probably be 5 minutes and we'll start interviewing. Boy, was I wrong. He was speaking for 10 minutes, I began to ask myself if I was supposed to engage in conversation with him as some of the other candidates were. But even then, he was on the soapbox.--3rd flag-- But that subsided as he mentioned that what he was saying was necessary for the second part of the interview. So, I focused on what he was saying about the product. While he was explaining the company and the product, I felt like he was selling us the position--as if to persuade us to purchase a product. And in the end, that was exactly it. After an hour and a half of listening to this man talk, it turns out the position was not a position at all. He was selling a business that we would have to front on our own and pay for the product through Lionheart! He asked us to write down our interest and that would determine if we would proceed to the "real" individual interview. And I actually considered it!

But knowing my circumstances, I couldn't take that risk. So, I said no thanks--not knowing it is a scam.

Note to self: speak to a rep before interview.

Natalie Portman

...is so pretty.

While in college and during football intramurals, I once met a girl who resembled a lot like Natalie Portman.

I introduced myself and so did she. After a few short moments, I decided to say what I thought.

"Hey, so do you know who you remind me of?"
"Who?"
"You look a lot like Natalie Portman."
She glanced up at me and said nothing.
"Do you know who she is?"
"Yes," she replied and coyly said, "Thanks."

That was the only and last conversation I ever had with her. I wonder often if she took that as a compliment or something else. I would think the expected reaction is to be really flattered because many men find Natalie Portman quite beautiful and attractive.

Maybe she thought I was hitting on her...I dunno.

"the essence of our work as humans must be that it is done in conscious reliance on God's power, and in conscious quest of God's pattern of excellence, and in deliberate aim to reflect God's glory." John Piper

resolve to change

I'm at work.

And I've reached that point. That point where I need to move on. Yesterday, I received a call from a lady from Robert Half International concerning a position for a Staffing Manager at Accountemps. I was completely caught off guard because I hadn't been keeping track of where I've been applying to during my job search. I know that I applied to many through Robert Half, but I really didn't expect a response.

So, I was sitting at work talking on the phone to a potential employer. All the while, I was thinking, "good thing my coworker isn't here". The lady asked me some preliminary questions, told me about the position, asked me to do some homework, and to get back to her if I was interested. Being a Staffing Manager would be three-fold, sales, recruiting, and staffing, but a strong emphasis in sales.

Now, I'm praying hard. Whenever an opportunity such as this arises, a tidal wave of thoughts come and wash over me. I start to ask questions. Am I capable of sales? Do I want to do sales? Sales is my weakest point on my resume. How will my current employer receive the news that I'm leaving? How will I find someone to replace me? I have a lot of work to pass on to the person who fills my position. Will I be asked to go in and interview? Am I ready to go into my major? Will I remember all the things I learned in college? How will I be perceived and received at the interview?

Anxiety.

Lord, I am going to follow You. You make all things new and I will follow You forward. Thank You for this call. Thank You that this is an opportunity for me to experience. I depend on You for my future. Will You guide me in my next steps?

It doesn't hurt to try. If I do or don't get the job, I will still praise God for He alone is good and I look to Him for next steps.

Every year, I make new resolutions. This year, I simply resolve to change into the likeness of Christ.

I dreamed about him again.

She was so close to him, it made me sick. And when he kissed her, I felt my stomach churn inside out.

Gross.

I dislike this feeling of jealousy.

God is unchanging.

Knowing that truth, when I say I don't feel God's presence in my life as much as I used to, I have to ask myself, 'Who moved?'

I must have.

Anything new?

Nope.

Nothing new.

But I am excited about the holidays coming up.

My family and I are preparing for my mother's departure to Taiwan. She took a week off from work to throw out junk and clean the house. She occasionally asks if I'm scared.

Am I scared?

By the grace of God, I'm not. Perhaps I can't comprehend the severity of the situation and that's why she constantly asks me. She asks only because she's fearful for me.

I have a feeling that once she leaves that reality will kick in. I'm trying my hardest not to give up or to completely unravel and lose control. I have to believe in God's faithfulness and provision.

Why was I created?

As I was brushing my teeth this morning, I was thinking about all the things I needed to get done at work. While having a friendly new boss is refreshing, much responsibility has been suddenly passed down to me since my former boss was a scape goat for most of the facility management of the bank. And then I had to recheck myself, I'm not at work yet. And I could hear a soft voice in my head say, "Worship me." I took a deep breath and thought about God. When He wants me to worship Him, what does that mean?

Some of my friends are enjoying the honeymoon phase of a relationship and the bulk of my other friends are agonizing over being single. I'm somewhere in the middle. Lately, I've noticed a theme spoken in my life; the sin of idolatry. Idolatry is simply anything valued above God. To be completely honest, the infatuation of being in a relationship has plagued my mind the most. I've been single for a good 3 years after having a relationship that was dishonoring God. I don't want to make the same mistake twice. I'm thankful for Christ and am trying to earnestly seeking after Him, but I'm not completely content. I constantly struggle with God concerning the issue of being single. I know that this season of being single is wholly devoted to Him and I have no qualms about it. I just often wonder if I have the future gift of singleness and if so, am I ready to take up the challenge of being potentially single for the rest of my life?

Some days...I wake up full of joy for the day to come. Some days...I wake up apathetic for work. Some days...I wake up only wanting to go back to sleep. Some days...I wake up sad about my life circumstances. Some days...I just don't want to live.

I have thoughts that are going at the speed of about 100 miles per minute. I have all these observations and desires, but do I actually follow through with them? Am I supposed to idly wait for an opportunity to fall into my laps? Or do I make opportunities for myself? Is there ever a time where things are comfortable enough for me to settle down? Do I wait or do I act? Will I act? How will I respond? Do I respond to the call? What is the call? At this point in time where life is so uncertain and fragile, how will I respond to the cup that has been given me?

Do I let go and let God? At which point do I let go of the things that I've held onto for so long? To leave that place of comfort and be used fully in God's purposes and plans. Is it worth it all? Are these desires and longings really from God? And say these are from God, will I be alone in all of this? Does anybody else have these same passions? Are these God-driven purposes? Or are they selfish, fleshly desires to make myself look like I'm entitled to my own self-righteousness?

Desperate longing.

God,

I can't see the future. I don't really know how to make a decision on my own. I never have. I always needed someone to lead me. I always needed someone to tell me what to do, so that I can follow their leading. As much as I want to think I was and am independent and can fend for myself, I am completely lost. I'm not sure where my life is going. Those desires that I thought were once in my grasp are seemingly slipping away.

I am frustrated and I am torn, once again. And suddenly am lost.

But I know that you are here. It says in Your Word that you have plans for me. Lord, you have plans to prosper me. You've given me this life, so that I can honor You in all that I do. God, would you lead me? I pray for direction. A new direction. I may not know where I am going and I may not know how I'm getting there. But you are my mode of transportation, you are my destination, and ultimately, you are my companion.

God, please renew my soul.

Honesty.

I'm tired of being the best friend.

taboo

What's another word for afraid?

Scared?
Frightened?

No, when it's nighttime and it's dark, how do you feel?

SCARED SHITLESS!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAH

Free acts of service?

Today, I was driving home from work. And I stopped at the intersection of Beechnut and Beltway 8. As I waited patiently for the light to turn green, a man comes with a bottle and squeegee to wash my windshield. He didn't glance over to me to see if I wanted it. I waved no. But he did it anyway. Gah, now, I start to think do I or don't I? Well, I'm about giving and receiving, very transactional. But I didn't ask him to do it, I even signaled, "NO." And if I do roll down my window, who knows what he'll do. But then, if I don't roll down my window, he'd be like what's up? and may even do something worse. So I resolve, No. I didn't ask for it, why should I pay for it? After he was done, he gestured, "whaddup?" by raising his arms in like a do-you-want-to-fight sort of way.

And I gave him my shy, I-don't-want-to-give-you-money-but-I-appreciate-the-thought look. haha. And he went on his way.

Today, my coworkers talked about inter-racial dating. I don't see color. But I know my family does. I know I'm open to dating other races. But, I have to keep in mind the future. Goodness, what to do.

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength. I will rejoice and be glad in it.

skepticism

Men.

I hear stories. It saddens me. Leaves me with less hope each day. God, please forgive me. Please let me love without borders.

Star Trek

Fandango sends me an email to ask about my Star Trek: IMAX experience.

Well, let me tell you, it was amazing. I loved the movie. Haven't seen such a good action movie in a long time.

My favorite character is Spock. Logical and robotic, yet so fragile and human. Love it.

Will expand further later on. Need to sleep.

relationship talk

So, yah. In honor of Mother's Day, I'm going to talk about how amazing my mom is.

My mom is so amazing. She has carried the weight of our family on her shoulders for most of my life, and possibly since she first got married. And because of her love for our family, I now see how much love she has and I respond in kind. I wish to give her all the love that she deserves plus the love God gives through me...which is the best love ever.

My mom is a soldier. Because she has carried the weight, she has been through so much pain, neglect, despair, and disappointment day in and out. But God is completely restoring her soul and healing her where wounds have run deep.

Her love is astounding. Her love for even our dog runs so deep. She loves us so much that she's willing to lay down her selfish desires and simply live for the family.

Goodness, when I become a mom, I would be amazed if I were half the woman she is now. She is so strong and courageous. She is so meek and humble. She is fearfully and wonderfully made. She brought me into the world and have constantly looked out for my best interest. God has truly blessed me with a wonderful mother. There is no other like her. I couldn't have asked for a better blessing than the self-sacrificing love from a mom.

In other news, I'm constantly skeptical about relationships now. that's all. Will expand later, maybe.

basketball equals life?

So playoffs. Rockets versus the world.

Don't strangle me, but I don't understand the appeal of watching basketball. I'd much rather play sports than just watch it. And if I do watch sports, I only watch cause my friends are playing (ie intramurals). There just seems to be too much hype that I may never understand. Well, maybe one day I will if I pledge loyalty to one particular city, not being Houston.

In other news, God is so good. Today, I realize that my past doesn't matter. It has shaped who I am today. But living in the past only causes you to move backward in time. The present is happening now and the future is only seconds away. And with each second, passes a minute, then an hour, and before you know it, the entire day has flown by without you knowing it because you're still holding on to that first second or that distant memory that happen a billion seconds ago.

What else? I've also come to the realization that what people think about me doesn't matter. I mean, I care what people think and how they feel about life. But what they think of me is not a concern for me. They may think all they want. But I answer to God. And I want my life to exemplify the blood of Christ and what that shed blood means for me and for the rest of the world.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all about accountability. If I've done wrong, I want people to confront me about it. But I don't mean to sound self-righteous or conceited, but it doesn't happen often that people call me out. I don't know whether they're afraid of calling me out or I'm just to quiet of a girl for them to notice that I've done wrong and my mistakes slip through the cracks. But again, I'll answer to God for any lack of faith or disobedience.

I've also learned that I can't force people to say anything. Often times, I find my curiosity biting me in the butt. I ask too many questions or I become so nosy that people get irritated at me for invading their hoola hoop. But I'm not doing it out of malicious intent. It's purely out of concern and wanting to hear your story. And how can I pray for you if I don't understand? I don't know. This relationship thing is hard.

God, grant me patience to love and love without ceasing.

Maybe basketball does translate into life. Flagrant foul, hah.

Love is patient.

How have my expectations of men suddenly risen exponentially? I'm so much more hurt now than when I didn't desire to follow the Lord. I don't understand. I thought it would be easier to trust and love with God on my side.

I've given more of my soul and my heart in the last three weeks than I ever had in the last 24 years of my life. It has been rewarding and beautiful, but needless to say, I'm broken down constantly.

trust. forgive. love. will I?

Plea

God,

Will you be here now? This world doesn't make much sense to me. Please help.

Grace

Complete exhaustion.

I am so tired.

In the past month, I've gone out so much I don't think my dog recognizes me anymore. He bit me and I'm a bit upset at him for it. Anyway, when i first started working, I took every opportunity to rest and sleep on the weekends. But lately, I am constantly going out. I don't know if it's the holiday buzz and that I'm always itching to go out, but I'm getting burnt out. And the sad thing is, I don't really know where my time has went and I haven't had much time to evaluate myself in all of the busyness. And it's not like my time is spent helping others or anything selfless. It's all really selfish.

Today, I thought to myself, why am I constantly going out? Is it because I'm running away or avoiding the inevitable? Or is it because I can't say no? It's probably both. But what am i doing? I think the more I go out, the more lost I become. I'm in social situations where I'm uncomfortable and awkward where I could be at home cleaning my room for my feng shui. I'm eating more and more where I could be at the gym walking off that love handle...probably should be doing more than walking, but I'm not even doing that! Anyway, the more unfamiliar the territory, the more quiet I become. I tell myself, there's nothing wrong with being quiet and sweet. If they don't like you, it's their loss, not yours. Don't try to be somebody you know you can't be.

I also am so guarded that it hurts. I've built a fortress with an iron gate around my heart and the fortress continues to build and become impenetrable. Is it good? Is it bad? Who knows. I'll sleep on it and see how i feel in the morning.

note: must be nicer to guys...they have feelings too.

theory

I have a theory. I believe the reason that I, among all cute girls, don't have a boyfriend is because I'm too cute.

Now, please stay with me. No, I'm not full of myself nor am I delusional. The reason why is because guys are naturally more visual and therefore, more inclined to be attracted to girls that have a more obvious beauty. So girls like me are left to feel insecure and alone. But the only justification I have is not that I'm not good enough or there's something inherently gross about my demeanor. I've concluded that I'm too cute. Guys see me and I remind them of a little girl, a child, a little sister. So, naturally, they wouldn't pursue someone what reminds them of a sister. What eventually happens is that I'm seen as a friend, someone they can confide in about their endeavors with women and the hot date they have at the end of the week.

...maybe a little delusional.

*sigh. It's sad. Every time I meet a guy, I immediately think of what are the chances of me being attracted to him. Usually it's a no, but why do I do that? I think every chance I meet a guy is an opportunity to meet the man of my life. Is that wrong? Should I have a healthier mentality about men? And if I do need to shift gears, how do I consciously stop looking? I imagine myself, talking to myself, "Stop looking, stop loooking, STOP LOOKING!" Really?

Maybe, just maybe. Guys' standards have risen as well. Granted, I haven't talked to too many guys. But maybe the reason that all my friends are single isn't because there's something wrong with us, but something wrong with them! Ha. They just can't see a good thing coming unless it hits them.

No, no, no. I'm starting to think too much or too wayward. God is in charge. he appoints the one we're to be with under the appropriate circumstances. There's no need to rush or come to hasty conclusions because God's plan is perfect. I just need to believe in His perfection and have faith in His provision. Will I ever learn?

Memorial Weekend Festivities.

Friday:
After work, I went to Chinese Community Center to watch Ivan and Joann play ping-pong. I had no intention of playing, but once Ivan's Dad had arrived, I became Joann's opponent. I had left my converse shoes in my trunk from the week before so I was in my work clothes while wearing my pink and white flowers converses. Played until 8 and Joann and I went to church to prepare decorations for VBS. I was exhausted, hungry, and grumpy, moreso, grumpy because I was exhausted and hungry. But it was productive.

Saturday:
I woke up late so I didn't make it in time for Body Works Plus Abs at LA Fitness. But I went to the gym anyway. Met up with Jennifer, made some dinner plans, and said goodbyes. I ran for a bit and went home to take a shower. Elaine calls and asks if I want to run some errands with her, but I had made plans to watch Iron Man with Michael. So, I asked if she wanted to come along. Unfortunately, Michael is sick. It ended up just being Elaine and I watching the movie that we've both have already seen which I think is kind of funny. Iron Man is still good the second time around. Afterwards, we went to Cheesecake Factory because Elaine was craving the Santa Fe salad. Then Joann met us up to eat our cheesecake and to go with us to order VBS t-shirts. After we talked to the store owner about the details for our t-shirt design, we went to swirll because I hadn't seen the self-serve machines. Met Elizabeth's brother and politely greeted the store owner, Ken. Then I went back to Sugar Land to eat dinner with Jen and Howie at Ichiban. It was okay. Not as good as I thought it would be. Elaine invited me to hang out with her friends at Genjy's so I went. It was kind of awkward, but after two beers, I was beginning to feel more loose. We sang karaoke and drank. Then we went to KTV for more karaoke and more drinking. I think I drank too much, so Joann drove me home while Elaine followed behind.

Sunday:
Church. Enjoy Life. Everything is meaningless. VBS decorations afterwards. I was getting delusional from the lack of sleep. We agreed to go watch Narnia at 5 so we went to Starbucks for some energy and to kill time. Movie was good. PRINCE CASPIAN is mine. He is not the next Orlando Bloom. Then ate dinner at TGIF.

I really enjoyed the movie. Not only was it because of Prince Caspian himself, but I really enjoy movies that have Christian elements integrated into the plot line. Even though the references were subtle, it was done tastefully well.

I can't stop looking. I can't help but look. I wonder if it's really true that once you stop looking, love will hit you without you knowing it. I've been told that since I consciously and constantly look for love, it is less likely to happen.

miscommunication

It's odd. A lot of miscommunication happens between me and other parties. I think I've engaged in about a dozen of cases where there was miscommunication between myself and friends, co-workers, siblings and/or a family member, a customer service rep, and just random people I run into day-to-day.

Does this happen to you? There's a break-down in communication and there's an awkward period of time where you wonder if you were able to transmit/receive the message accurately. Happens to me all the time. And I pride myself in being a good listener, for crying out loud.

aiye.

So, I'm back in my mode again. Asking God: Where's my man? haha. Would it be best to be with someone completely unlike me and follow the classic line of "opposites attract"? I usually think that's best because I'm already kind of reserved. I need someone to get me out of my shell. I also think about where am I going to find this guy? I think I'm pretty settled down. And there aren't any guys that have stricken me down with googly-eyed, heart-pumping, mumbling symptoms. Where is he? But then I catch myself in my daydreaming and wonder, why don't I ask God?

Because I want what I want which isn't necessarily what I need. And only God knows what I need. Unfortunately, what God knows isn't what I know. But it must be better! It has to be, it has to be!

Check one.

I got a job! I'm officially an employee at Golden Bank, N.A. My first week was pretty much a roller coaster. I've already had a few good days and some dreadful days. I'm already getting that Gah-I-have-to-work-but-I-go-anyway feeling.

I was talking to Ivan about growing up and getting a job. He mentioned that since I have a job, the next logical step is to get married. I hadn't even thought about marriage. Of course I've thought about relationships (practically all my life), but it never occurred to me that it's now. Marriage? Really? Well, of course, it depends on what you're doing and where you're at in life. But Really? But I'm not really interested in marriage just yet. Maybe a relationship though.

So now, I'm thinking about "what's next?" Where will God take me? Where will my friends and I stand in our relationships? How will my family adjust to our coming transitions? Do I focus more on my career or my family aspirations?

I guess all these questions will be answered in the future. For now, I'm going to look to God because no one else will do.

Capricorn Horoscope
Wednesday April 2, 2008

Your foundations are rattled and you need to quickly figure out the best way to maintain stability. It's really not as bad as it first appears and you could become very excited about the possibilities. The greatest obstacle could be your resistance to uncertainty. You like to feel secure by building on solid ground, but may have to live with less structure for a while. Let your exhilaration override your fears now.

wish-list

A lot has been running through my head lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that the root of it all is that I wish for things that I cannot have or for change that I find impossible.

Grace's wishes that may or may not come true list: (3/08)
I wish for a...
job
baby
boyfriend
nice body
masters degree
singing career

It's times like these that I really miss my girls. Even though they're a phone call away, I find talking on the phone awkward and frightening. I'm notorious for screening my phone calls. I don't even know why I do that. Anyway, I digress. I miss them. This is where I wish I lived closer to them. I can talk to them because they lived right across the street. I can run into them between classes. I can play hooky and go out to eat lunch with them and make fun of each other.

It's not personal, it's strictly business

Why do I take things so personal? Why do I read so much into what people say or do? Why do women get so emotionally stirred?

It's not personal, it's just good business.

Right. That's why there's no women in executive boards. That's why there's a glass ceiling. We get too caught up about how we feel or how others feel rather than on cold hard facts.

I need to have this mentality. It's not personal. Don't think so much. Don't take offense. I've taken rejection before. How is this any different?

It's not, I keep telling myself, It's not. Be strong. Be faithful. Be good.

I love music.
I love singing.
I love dancing.
I love watching people dance.
I love performing.
I love playing guitar.
I love watching movies.
I love making people laugh.
I love to travel.
I love experiencing new things.
I love...love.

bored much.

For my church small group, we're going through Beth Moore's Living Beyond Yourself: Exploring the Fruits of the Spirit. It's a 10-week study guide and since we only meet once a month, this study guide is going to last the span of a year for us. woohoo. Before we meet, we're to have the section done. This past Wednesday night was our first session. It was a good one. Good one to come to since I've been back.

...I wrote this long explanation of what had spoken to me. But I decided to not ruin the book for you. I may update with spiritual epiphanies in the future. But for now, "I am bored with God and that's not good" is sufficient.

Passport Renewal

As I waited to get my passport renewed, this guy's daugther kept staring at me and waving at me. She was about 2 or 3 years old. I tried to be cool because I don't really know how to interact with kids and waved back. But she just kept staring at me and tried to inch towards me every few minutes. Her father noticed this and kept pulling her back. She shows me her drawing (which was simply some scribbles on a sheet of paper) as if to say, "Look at my awesome drawing!" I nodded and smiled. She mumbled something. And I replied, "Huh?" with a stupified expression on my face. The father smiled politely at me and went back to speaking with the agent. A few moments later, the agent reached over to the girl and exclaimed, "That's a beautiful picture! A beautiful picture!"

The little girl looked at her and then looked away and then at me and inched towards me again. The father pulled her back.

The agent says, "She doesn't like me. She keeps flirting with that lady over there."

complacency.

Don't settle. Don't settle for mediocrity. You were meant for great things. Don't let circumstances or situations determine your standards. Aim high.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss it you will land among the stars.

ambiguous

Looking for a job is tough. I haven't been hired yet. I'm totally qualified and selling myself. But it's not enough. I was wondering if the fact that I look like a high school student hindering me from getting a job.

Do you have the gift of singlehood? No, I don't believe I do. I'm constantly wondering and praying about my future husband. I kind of wish I had the gift of singlehood. That would make my life so much easier. That way, I could focus on God and his plans for me. I wonder if I should pray for the gift of singlehood. But then, I'll have the fear of it coming true once I start praying for it.

Maybe I'll just stay where I am...stagnant.

Greetings, my old friend.

Amazing.

It's so weird to be back. Now that I have nothing else going on in my life besides being at home, I come back to where I started, here.

I've been through a lot of changes in the last year. I basically shifted my social group to a group of girls that I've come to love and really respect. I started off the year still unsure of who my friends were and now that I've come to the end of 2007, it's really clear to me where I value my relationships. I still have a problem maintaining my friendships but it's nice to know that I don't have to try so hard or fake so hard to please everybody now that I do things for myself. Don't get me wrong, I'm not as selfish as that statement comes off. But my life is my own and if I can't own up to it, who will?

So, I'm in the transitioning part of my life where I need to get a job. But all I want to do is to get married!

haha.

That's funny to say as I type this. But unfortunately, it is very true. One of my longtime crushes just got engaged. And he's younger than me. I couldn't believe it. He's such a likeable guy. Many girls had a crush on him, I believe. But the upsetting part is that I got upset. Why?? Why should I be upset when I barely know this guy? Then it occured to me that I want the life he has. I want to be engaged. I want to be settled in the fact that I've found the one that I will be with for the rest of my life. I got upset because my dreams are happening to other people and it makes me wonder if they're more fortunate than I am. Here I am, at home, without a job and without a man. From my viewpoint, it looks quite pitiful and what saddens me more is that the little voice of hope in my head is very faint and distant.

I have a hard time seeing the future. haha. But I have to pray. I have to pray that even though I can't see it, doesn't mean that it's not there for me to get a hold of.

Monthly Update.

I've come to a turning point in my life. I'm going to graduate in about a month, and I'm feeling like most graduates in my position would feel, fearing the unknown. I'm afraid I'm one of those college graduates that doesn't know what she wants to do now that she's graduated and dreads people asking, "So what are you doing now that you're done with school? Are you looking for a job? Do you have a boyfriend? When are you going to grow up, little girl?"

It's so daunting that I don't want to even think about it. Yes, I'm excited to finally finish school after 4.5 years of nonexistent studying and consistent procrastination (which is not completely true, but mostly), but I want to have a constant in my life. I fear that if I don't keep myself somewhat productive I may revert back to my destructive nature.

Anyway, that's just in the back of my head. Something I'll worry about later I suppose.

ASA is good, I suppose. Asian Fest is coming up. Although I'm missing a portion of it, I'm kind of relieved. Relieved that I won't have to pretend I want to be there when a big part of me doesn't. I'm not exactly sure why I feel this way. Perhaps it's the fact that I don't have so much responsibility weighing me down when it comes to this event, but that's not true either. Every aspect that goes to event planning is so crucial and every issue must be communicated. I want so badly for ASA to go a certain route, but even when I try, there always seems to be opposition. Therefore, I become frustrated and end up conceding. Then, I run with my tail between my legs in the other direction because I have no where else to go.

I'm afraid I don't belong anymore, anywhere. Maybe it's because I have an issue with authority. Throughout my time as an ASA officer, I've always had an issue with the president. I may have this rebellious side of me that I didn't realize until I'm about to graduate. I suppose I hate people telling me what to do. I become defensive and therefore, retaliate by avoiding the situation altogether which would explain why I'm MIA when they need me the most. Thus, making me very unreliable. It's funny because I look back and I see it had happened with every single one of them.

I sorted through my pictures once again and I realize that I have much more loyalty to AFC than to ASA. Most of my pictures are of the family I've developed in AFC rather than the major events I contributed to in ASA. But, I look at both organizations and I don't see myself anymore.

All this to say, I don't belong.

Isn't that sad? My biggest fear after graduating is knowing that I hadn't made any impact at Baylor. My biggest fear is that people won't remember me at all. It's not that I want to be a legend, but I just want to be someone who participated and contributed much to the organizations that I was involved in. Is that too much? Noo, I don't think so. I hope not at least.

One more month, just one more month.

Negotiation is life.

So I've started classes for the Fall semester. I'm hoping that these are the last set of classes that I'll be taking for at least a while. It hasn't set in that I'll be graduating soon. But I'm excited.

I learned a few things today or lately:
I'm rather slow at processing information.
My conflict style is avoiding.
I'm really bad at negotiating.

Lately, I've realized that it takes me a while to react to things. In turn, I feel like I'm also slow at processing information. I used to pride myself in being quick and understand things pretty easily. But just recently, that it isn't so. I've become lethargic and sluggish when it comes to understanding.

In my principled leadership class, we took a survey that showed which conflict style you fit into. I was avoiding. I have a low view of myself as well as in others. So, when a conflict arises in a group setting, I may have something in mind to resolve the situation but will tend to keep it to myself than cause any more problems.

I'm also taking a negotiations class. This week we've had two negotiations in class so far. I remember the professor mentioning that compromise is an option. But he told us never to compromise. He also told us to make the first offer. I didn't make the first offer, and I also compromised. I'm so disappointed in myself. I tend to hate on myself when I know there are things that I could have done to make the negotiation better, but it doesn't just apply to the negotiation. I'm also hard on myself whenever I fail in whatever situation it is.

I feel dumb.

I hate holding grudges. I do! I just can't help it though. When someone hurts me, I hold on to it, I remember it, and I won't let go of it. It's like the plague. It spreads and grows and becomes a big pain to clean up.

Wah. I want to be humble.

It's just one of those days.

Have you ever had those days where you're just running around all over the place, running on little sleep, making sure everything gets done? Yeah, today was like that for me. I don't really know what to think of these days. Yes, I'm being productive and whatnot. But by the end of the day, I'm really drained. This is what it must feel like to have a 9 to 5 job. Imagine that. I'm already a professional.

So update, I got a job, working as a telemarketer. It's funny. You don't really know what it feels like until you become one. People hanging up on you. People yelling at you for bothering them. People politely declining your offer. BUT THEN. There's that one person who's interested. My supervisor calls us the soldiers who are first sent forth to fight the good fight. Haha. Well, I hope my effort will reap good results. I hope I become a better salesman after this job.

Not only that, but I'm still looking for another job. Even though being a telemarketer sucks the life out of me, I'm still wanting to work nights so that I can be even more productive.

Then again...

If I get too busy, I'll forget. I'll forget to slow down and smell the flowers. Nah. I think I'm not the type to become a workaholic. Haha. As much as I like being productive, I love life too much to work my life away. I just like the idea of meeting new people and learning new things and earning some cash on the side all at the same time. This is temporary.

Oye, but then. I have to really find a job after I graduate. That's scary. But it'll be good because I'll have experience under my belt. Good. Good.

I hope I'm not just rationalizing things. Anyway, I'm going to go lay down. I can't believe I woke up at 9 this morning and went through the whole day without caffeine or naps. I'm so proud of myself.

the end.

Summer Movies, yay!

5/25 - Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End
6/8 - Paris, Je T’Aime, Ocean's 13
6/22 - Evan Almighty
6/29 - Ratatouille
7/4 - Transformers
7/13 - Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix
8/3 - Bourne Ultimatum

Content.

One more, one more. I must pull through 1 more.

One more and the semester is over. I'm really excited. I can't wait to go home. I can't wait to go home to see my mom, my brothers, and my dog. I can't wait to go home and start running again. I can't wait to go home and remember what city (or rather suburbia) life was like. I'm super excited to get out of here, at least for a while.

I went to Texas Roadhouse and I ate an 11 ounce sirloin. It was so good but so bad. I won't bothering rationalizing or reason my way out. I was purposely a glutton because I felt like it. Not to say, that you should always do what you feel like doing, but it was nice to eat red meat for a change. Anyway...

The other day, I was driving and thinking about happiness. What would it take for me to be happy? ...Like really happy.

It takes a lot for me to be happy. I can be happy or relatively happy for others. But for myself? I think I'm only happy for others and not for myself. And then I started to think, why is that? Why can't I be happy for myself? It's old news, but I don't think I've done anything really worthwhile for me to be happy, I guess. In my opinion, I haven't achieved any greatness. Some kids have received honors when they graduate. Some kids have scored high on their MCAT scores. Some kids have gotten lucrative jobs. Some kids have boyfriends. Most kids are going somewhere. I'm one of those kids left behind to fend for herself.

And then, Bethena's voice comes in and tells me, "You're too hard on yourself." Why am I so hard on mysef? Why can't I accept that I'm a good student? a good soccer/football/volleyball player? a good daughter? a good friend? Am I really not any of those things? Or am I just second guessing myself?

Well, maybe it's just cause I can't forgive myself. I can't let go of the past. Just when I think I've done something worthwhile, I recall the past, and suddenly, I'm muddled with the mistakes I've made and the problems I've caused or faced.

I want to be content, at least for a little while. I can't remember the last time I was content with life. It's been a while.

Maybe it's a matter of change. It's a matter of choice. If I choose to go after what I want, maybe this time I'll actually get it.

Lisa asked, "What was your favorite day?"

"That's hard," I replied. "I don't think I've had it yet."

While I was mentally searching for my favorite day, the first thing I asked myself was, when was I the happiest? Then I started to think, was it with Robert? No. Was it with my family? No. Was it with my friends? No.

Yeah, I haven't had my favorite day yet. What constitutes a favorite day anyway? When you are the happiest? When you are having the most fun? When you've accomplished the highest achievement?

I dunno.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I burnt myself the other day. At first, I was really happy. Why? Because I had a really cool scar that reminded me of Sasuke's cursed seal. However, as I stare at it more nowadays, I'm beginning to think it makes my arm look really ugly (hah) especially since it's peeling off.

I'm totally avoiding studying for finals, by the way.

High School insecurities resurfaced.

Semi-Formal was good. It was strange. I spent the entire day setting up and getting ready for the event, but I was unbelieveably energetic by the end of the night. It may have been delirium.

I went to bed thinking about the night's festivities and fell asleep thinking about all the people that I greeted. Soon after, I dreamed a dream that felt so familiar. I dreamt that I was in a cafeteria with all the people I've met throughout my years in college, the people that have come and gone, all sitting in this one cafeteria. Everyone sitting with their respective cliques. Everyone talking and having fun with the people they chose to eat with. And there I was, walking around until I would see somebody make eye contact with me. Everybody smiled that smile where they acknowledged you but didn't really have anything to say to you, you weren't important enough for them to say a few words nor were you cool enough for them to invite you to eat with them. I walked around some more and I ended up sitting with people I didn't recognize. They offered a seat and before I realized it, they had left, they had finished their food already. That's why they offered me a seat. It wasn't because they were interested in getting to know me. There I was alone, again.

Goodness. This is quite sad. I really don't understand why I feel so alone. I have people that care for me. I have people that love me. I have people. Then why am I so emotional? I dunno. I guess I figured that I would have made more substantial friends while I've been here at Baylor.

In the Land of Women

SO GOOD.

I love movies, I do.

Out of the movies I've seen lately, I liked this one the most. Maybe, it's because I haven't seen that many good movies lately. But, yeah. I think I'm going to buy it when it comes out on DVD.

1. Adam Brody is cute.
2. He moved in with his grandmother with the intention of taking care of her.
3. He was heart-brokened.
4. He took time to get to know his neighbor.
5. He wasn't too cool to hang out with a high school student and her younger sister.
6. He told it like it was to everybody.
7. He tried to cook for his grandmother.
8. He was vulnerable.
9. He was depressed.
10. He was real.

I wish I could meet someone close to being like Carter Webb and fall in love with him and he with me.

quiet.

I no longer have anything to say.

Sugar Free Bowl

Yesterday was AMAZING!

We played back-to-back football games for the entire day! We started at 8:15 in the morning because we were in the losers bracket. We won against VSA. I always like playing them because they're a good match to play against. Afterwards, we went to Cafe Cappucino for breakfast. It was fun listening in on Caleb's random nonsense and other miscellaneous talks at the table. Then Angela and I went to Laiyee's to take a nap. I didn't sleep much because adrenaline was still keeping me excited about playing football. I slept for maybe 10 minutes. Then it was time to watch the guys. I realized that I didn't really get the chance to cheer for the guys the whole day because the girls and I needed to practice. But we watched for a little bit and then started to warm up. They had music playing, so we started to dance and just have fun with it. We played CHI's sorority first. We beat them 25 - 0. Then it was time for the guys to play. The girls rested and once the guys finished, we played again. This time we played AED, the former champions. There was this one girl who was really hardcore. She had dislocated her knee, popped it back in, and scored a touchdown in her previous game. This time around, she hurt her knee again and STILL wanted to play. Hardcore. We ended up winning that game 6 - 2. We were suppose to play CHI-O's, but they forfeited. Next up was ISSA. Angela and I had to leave for KUMC's Benefit Concert. So we played offense and defense and then offense again and then left. We were actually on time at 6:30, and they had free pizza. Angela was really excited for free food. We waited for half an hour before we performed. Unfortunately, our performance wasn't the best. I made a lot of timing mistakes and we bumped into each other a lot. Another thing is we rushed to get back to the game. I hope Esther and Lisa aren't upset or disappointed at us for not being prepared or as prepared as we should have been. We went to Laiyee's rest for a little bit and we had to get back for our 8:15 game. Apparently, it was the team that we had played the night before where we went into overtime. If we win, we'd have to play them again to win the championship. If we lost, we'd lose the championship. We start off really shaky and really nervous. It had gotten pretty cold. By halftime, they had scored two touchdowns. BUT we weren't letting it get to us. We stayed positive and played the rest of the game to the best of our ability. We lost 14 - 0 i think.

I'm so physically tired, but i feel like i had so much fun that all my fatigue was well worth it.

Second place is good in my book. Besides, we beat A team once again! :D

Football Madness

Friday: Game @ 5:00, 10:15
Saturday: Game @ 1:45, 4:00, 7:00, 8:30

That's a whole lot of football.