Lately, I've been really irritated, annoyed, frustrated, or otherwise, angry. For some odd reason, I've been very defensive towards the people around me. I may not have necessarily expressed these emotions to anyone specific. But I couldn't pinpoint where all this hostility was rooted in. It could be a number of reasons at this point.
About a month ago, my mom called me at work and as usual, she started spewing out all the things I needed to do (ie transfer money, pay for insurance, clean, file taxes). My frustration with her is that she's always doing that! It's never been about how am I doing. Or if I'm okay, emotionally. If anything, that comes later after she's made certain that things are getting done. I thought I had left work once I'm home. Even now, I'm tearing up. When she had talked to me that day, she also mentioned the crisis in Japan and told me not to think about going to Taiwan any time soon. And I think that's what tipped me over. Look at what you've done to me. This house isn't even mine. I didn't buy this house. It wasn't my decision to settle down here. I've been working for three years and I have nothing to show for it. I can't even save enough for retirement because of this burden.
They want me to be happy. They want me to express myself. How can I express myself when I am this miserable? If I did, it would only make them upset.
I made sure to distance myself towards my parents. It's easier to do because they are so far away. I even thought about completely cutting them out of my life because then I wouldn't have to be in this much pain...
After I spoke with my mom that day, I burst into tears. It was embarrassing. I ran to the bathroom, praying no one would be in there. Sure enough, my coworker was in there. I ran into the stall and tried to regain composure (which I'm usually really good at doing).
I'm at the end of my rope at this point.
Even last night, after weeks of not speaking, I just have to be numb when I speak to them because otherwise, I'd start crying. I hate this. I really do.
1 comment:
Wow. I'm sorry. That's really no fun. It's hard enough being an adult without people you care about, people you don't want to disappoint, casting doubt on your ability to be an adult.
There was a time when I was unemployed for the second time in a year when I finally had to tell my mom that the topic was off-limits. Every time she'd ask about how the job search was going, I felt accused of not looking hard enough. I was stressed out enough without that.
Hope things get better for you, and I'll remember you in my prayers.
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