less really is more.

Life is so much better without drama.

I wouldn't say I was completely productive this weekend, but I would say that I got a lot of stuff done with a few hours of leisure in between. The first week of class is always hectic for me. For some reason, this last week was abnormally stressful. The classwork is building up already. yikes! I need to keep on top of my game.

The downside is that I haven't really gotten the chance to run. Complications always arise. This week. This week I say. I'll run the beartrail.

Life is so much better lately. I'm more peaceful, more calm about life. I think I've given up on taking control. Giving my life to God is a much better option.

My Quirk

If i had a thing that i do, it would be...stating the obvious.

Boy Meets World.

After finals, I decided to numb my brain as I usually do after tests. I watched Boy Meets World. It's the show that I grew up watching. How sad. The show I grew up watching. It's as if my adolescence was so long ago. Anyway, the episode was the one where Corey and Topanga decided to see other people. Corey saw Topanga kiss another guy (Shane West - yumm). He told Topanga how it hurt him to see her kiss another guy only two weeks after they broke up. She didn't know what to say. Corey suggested that they might as well not be friends anymore and stormed off.

I would be Corey in this case.

I think that's what I do. I shut people out once I've realized that they've hurt me. But isn't that normal? Doesn't that happen to everybody? I dunno. I've done it to a handful of people in my life, a few being family.

The episode also made me think about relationships. Is it really possible to be friends after you've gone out with someone and broke up with them after awhile?

Of course, by the end of the episode, they were friends again. But that didn't happen to me. My once friends, I no longer even keep in touch with. Maybe that's the difference between reality and television. Things don't always work out.

I broke down today. It feels liberating, but also saddens me.

Taking a little break never hurt anyone.

TWO FINALS TOMORROW...OR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS...

I realized that I am really far-sighted today. I also realized that I'm more like my dad than my mom.

I was studying for my finals. I rested my head on my arm while I studied. But for some reason, the words were blurry. So I lifted my head and I noticed that as I looked at my notes at a farther distance, the clearer I read the lines. Yeah, I'm slow. But at least, I am assured that my doctor's diagnosis was correct when I was a child. I was always skeptical if I really was far-sighted because usually, only old people are far-sighted...

I talked to mom today. I was really stressed out. And it was the first time I ever told her that I was stressed. I usually don't talk about school so that I don't worry my parents. Her immediate response was, "Only you can control that" not, "it's okay honey, everything will be all right." I always thought my mom was the emotional one. Guess that is just an assumption since she's a woman. But that's not necessarily true. Maybe that's why I've always thought my mom didn't understand. She's not your typical mom. Also, I thought submissive meant soft. But my mom is anything but soft. She has sacrificed and still is sacrificing a lot, but she definitely doesn't break down for no reason.

So, then I thought about my dad...he acts on his instincts a lot of the time. His temper is his sign of emotion. I look back at conflicts with my dad and I realize that he really is an emotional man. I got that emotional stuff from him.

NONSTOP

It never ends!

Live today as if it was your last.

Cause before you know it, your last may be your regret.

restless legs.

I'm diggin' music.

Lately, whenever music comes on, I just want to break out and dance. In the past, whenever there was music playing, I'd be shy and dance with my toes. I want to dance! I would love to take some kind of dancing class, either hip-hop or some type of ballroom dancing. That would be amazing.

I'm in the So You Think You Can Dance craaaze. I love that show. Every time I finish watching the show, I want to either go the gym, go run, or go to a club. I get an adrenaline rush from watching them dance! Therefore, it makes me wanna dance and burn off energy.

I miss dancing...

Lately, I've been having so many dreams. Dreams about friends, family, career, school, past relationships, and my game.

A lot of the dreams were very disoriented. Some are nice dreams for my ego. Some are upsetting dreams about my past. Some just don't make any sense.

But the dreams I wish to have, I wish were about you.

I feel sad. Sad that life is passing by so quickly. Soon, I'll have to grow up which is okay by me. But one day, I know that I'll be nostalgic about the time I'm in right now.

inadequate and depressed

My family means the world to me. Even though we don't express our love like other families do, I now know that I can't imagine living life without my parents or brothers. Even now, my dad is in China. I miss him. He really does spoil me with love.

Lately, I've been feeling so guilty. Because I do wonder if i've been wasting my parent's money and time at Baylor. I do wonder if they'll ever be happy for me. I do wonder if they'll ever be proud of me. Maybe that's why I feel so inadequate. I haven't ever made my parents proud. I haven't ever made my parents proud because of something I've done, maybe for who I am, but i've never accomplished anything significant in my life.

I want somebody that makes me feel good about myself. I need someone that makes me feel good about myself.

I can be your hero, baby

SUPERMAN RETURNS

GO SEE IT! I absolutely LOVED the movie! it was soo good. Kate Bosworth was okay. I think Natalie Portman would have been a better Lois Lane. Kevin Spacey was incredible as Lex Luthor. Finally, I loved Brandon Routh as Superman. I think he's absolutely GORGEOUS! He is really hott.

During the movie, I couldn't help (once again) feeling utterly smitten by a handsome man with charm, chivalry, and overall, compassion. I thought, "I want my guy to be Superman." I don't mind being Lois Lane, at all. I also think that I'm not alone in having these inappropriate feelings for a fictional character. haha.

bridget jones's diary.

I just did the unthinkable. I watched the same movie twice in one night, back-to-back. I'm insane. I'm also a procrastinator. I have a project due on tuesday. It's worth nearly a third of my grade. Aye.

I can't get over it. I want a man like that. He is the nice guy that didn't finish last. He is the ambitious guy that knows what he wants out of life. He is the romantic guy that is willing to be vulnerable to the woman he loves. --sigh--

Two quotes that I absolutely love by Colin Firth:
"I like you -- i like you, just as you are."

"In vain have I struggled, it will not do. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

I wonder how hard it really is to find a guy once college is over. One of my friends say that the best time to find a mate is in college. Once you hit the real world, things just get harder. Great. It's hard enough as it is living as a college student. Life after couldn't be much worse, or could it?

I'll daydream some more and i'll get back to you. As of now, I'm single [not that i'm proud of it nor am i telling the world. simply that i'm willing to be content] and dreaming of my dream guy.

daily visitations, numerous times each day.

mail.baylor.edu
mail.google.com
mail.yahoo.com
facebook.com
flickr.com

I'm fine, i think

I'm just now coping from my break-up. I don't know. It's something I just don't understand. I think, initially, guys are attracted to something about me. But then, once they get to know me and my flaws, they flee! I have problems. Who doesn't? I just thought things would be different this time around, you know?

He's just not that interested in you. Right. That's right. Who cares? I don't. Because the guy that really was interested in me, wouldn't let me go.

Do i care? maybe i do.

This relationship thing sucks. I found out about two engagements in the last semester. It's crazy. I can't believe people are already getting married, and here am i, sulking about the doom of my love life.

Oh well, we move on. Life sucks. BUT. God is good.

phone call.

a few things i learned tonight.

my mom knows me. my dad has faith in me. my brother forgives. my heart is hardened.

when will i ever be content.

dreams.

i had one of my most darkest dreams last night. A couple of my friends and i were at a family's home. At first, the family seemed pleasant and friendly and sane. After spending a day with them, i noticed something was going on. It seemed as if they were possessed in a way. The father was hardly around and whenever he was he had this sulky aura about him. The mother was overly protective about her children. The boys were confused and seemed sexually frustrated. The entire time i was there, i felt like they were possessed and at any moment they would come and haunt me. One night, they were having a party and the two boys were sitting with a guy who seemed like a shadow himself. It was really creepy. I felt like wherever i went, they would be lurking about, stalking me with their incestuous spirits. It was a gross. I woke up disturbed. I scared myself so much that i awoke. And for awhile i couldn't sleep. I then i prayed. I felt back to sleep.

But then, I had another dream, which seemed like a continuation of a past dream i had. I was at a bar with a couple of friends. One of them couldn't finish her drink while i was ordering mine. So i offered to finish hers, even though i knew that i couldn't take much alcohol in. Soon the bar closed, i finished my drink and ran out the door. Two other girls were running to their cars for some reason. I followed suit. Then i couldn't find my car where i had originally parked. So i ran towards the lot where they tow cars. I found my car by unlocking with it with my key. But suddenly, i realized a man was right by my car. It seemed as if he was trying to jack it. But then he started to move towards the red car on the right side of my car. But as soon as i was at my door, i opened it and the man was sitting there in the passenger seat with a gun in his hand. I was petrified. He told me to take him home. I told him i couldn't. Then he cocked the gun and told me to take him home with a more stern voice. I made him promise that he wouldn't hurt me if i did. he nodded. But while I was driving, i got so nervous that i started to cry. As soon as i asked where am i going, i saw from the corner of my eye the gun being point at me. I woke up right when he had shot the gun.

I think I am most contemplative at night. There's nothing else to occupy my mind; no agenda, no classes, no errands, no people. All I have is myself in my head.

I am going back to houston this weekend. I'm kind of scared about going back. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm going back to pick up my dog and bring him here to my apartment while my older brother is in california for a conference, and my mother and my younger brother is going to China to visit my father, and I'm taking them to the airport. I'll be in texas all by myself, well with my dog of course. It's odd. I never thought about it, but I've been living by myself for a very long time. Yeah, I depend on my parents financially, which is a big part. But i never really needed them otherwise. Once I get my own job, I'll have to really live on my own. What a frightening thought. Did i ever tell you that i'm afraid of being alone? i am.

Jennifer is in florida. Elaine is in DC. man, i miss them.

celebration!

21 years ago today, a baby girl was born. Her name was jennifer. she rocks!

reflection.

I looked into the mirror.

"You're beautiful" i said.

fanatic.

I am a MOVIE-FREAK.

No matter how many times I may have watched a movie, I can still manage to waste my time watching it again. I keep telling myself to pull away from the television. TV is bad. It robs you of your time, your brain, your life. aiye. Maybe another day. Maybe I'll surrender another day.

Movies i've watched in the last month:
Bend it like Beckham
Happy Gilmore
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Da Vinci Code
Matchpoint
The Family Stone
While you were sleeping
Elizabethtown
Mona Lisa Smile

Movies I want to see:
X3: The Last Stand
Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest
Happy Feet
Kinky Boots
Derailed
The Break up
You, Me, and Dupree
The Lake House

When I watch movies, I get so tied into the plot that I don't necessarily recognize the holes and pitfalls. There's my empathy for you. Therefore, i get easily swayed and emotional. Horrors are no good for me. Because I can't see past the movie and realize it is all gimmicks and story-telling. Man, even typing about horror movies is giving me the creeps.

Anyway. I need to face reality. I can't keep thinking my life is like one of those fairy tale movies. Prince Charming isn't going to come knocking on my door. My career isn't going to fall into my lap. My family will fight but won't necessarily make up at the end. Life isn't a movie. Life is real. I need to face it. And stop living in my own little wonder world.

reminisce.

I miss you.

I miss knowing you are by my side.
I miss knowing you will be there at a second's notice.
I miss holding your hand.
I miss arguing with you about life issues.
I miss cuddling with you when it's cold.
I miss the silence we had between us.
I miss the idea of you in my life.
I miss the reason why i was with you in the first place.
I miss you, I do.

So many things i've let go in my life up to this point. I wonder if all these things lost went towards the greater good of humanity.

or rather the greater good of my existence.

I'm afraid of what will happen when i am alone.

it's weird. I find that whenever i'm alone, i become my own worst nightmare. I revert back to my old sad nature. I begin to think about what has happened in my past, afraid of what i'll remember. When i'm alone, i'm alone with my thoughts, my selfish desires, my lustful flesh.

I fear being alone.

I have to recognize that when i'm alone, only God is there with me. God is not only found in me when i'm with people. But He's probably with me the most when i seek after Him in the quiet stillness of my aching heart.

I can't stand it anymore. I can't lie to myself nor can i lie to God. I can't live without God and his majesty.