BigByte

So, I taught English to young learners for approximately two months. A female teacher who is my age was pregnant, and the school was desperately looking for a substitute to fill her position while she took her maternity leave. I happily stepped in. These last two months were great. I learned a lot from observing her and other teachers and how they teach kids. I had a good handle on the kids before their winter break, but never regained the same level of control. I don't know if it was because of all the school activities or that I was a bad teacher, but I had a hard time.

Like last week, for instance, I asked the students to do a simple writing exercise. But they wouldn't stop complaining, kept getting out of their seat, and disrupting class. There was a boy who explicitly said, "I don't like Teacher Grace." I didn't know if he was trying to say, "I don't like {writing}, Teacher Grace," or that he really meant his distaste for me...

Nevertheless, I miss them. I met up with the HR lady who hired me in the first place. I was under the impression that this was a sure thing -- that I would definitely have a spot for the upcoming year. But within the first ten minutes of our conversation, she said there weren't any openings at the school.

This isn't a bad thing, it gives me a chance to venture out and try other schools or other job opportunities. Also, it's given me a lot of time to think if teaching really is something that I can see myself doing. But, after the pondering comes to a short pause, all I can think about is how much I miss my friends. Yes, I have a weird dependency on them -- can't say no, people pleaser, separation anxiety, etc. But it's one of those feelings I can't let go, no matter how attractive living in Taipei is. Pros: the healthcare is amazing here, cost of living is minimal, and most importantly, my parents. The fact that I don't have friends here isn't a big deal. My dad says that my friends in the US will always be there for me. If I move back to the states, I won't have a car, a home, or a job...

a job. right. I need to find a job now. Which brings me back to my first thought. I wonder if I would make a good teacher. I'm leaning more towards no. so confused. Oh well, I'll just procrastinate some more in the meantime.

American Idol Season 11

I was never really an avid follower of American Idol. Now that it is in its 11th season, I finally have fallen prey to the Idol bug. My love for music is returning to my heart now that I'm following Heejun Han and Phillip Phillips. Being overseas, I won't be able to participate in the voting. But I'm definitely going to buy Phillips record once he wins.

Recap

Man, I just realized I've had this blog for nearly 12 years. It's crazy how old I've gotten and how the experiences of my life has been recorded in this little spec of the internet.

So I have to recap 2011 for memory's sake.

• Put the house on the market
• Kissed a stranger
• Ran a 5k
• Being a whole lot of awesome as a Maid of Honor
• Shot a semi-automatic at a shooting range
• Learned how to let go
• Sold the house
• Tigger's passing
• Moved to Taipei
• Became a teacher (whaaat?)
• Readjusting to living with parents again

It was a crazy year -- but I'm glad I went through it. Made me stronger.

It's hard to describe how I've been feeling lately. I recently moved away from all that is familiar to me to this new foreign place. I came here thinking I would find my greater purpose in this strange new place. For the first few weeks, I was invigorated --excited about the new environment and what the future will hold for me. But as time grows, I find myself to be the same person just in a different place. There are pros and cons to being here, no doubt.

At the end of the day, the sum of my problem is that I have a hard time making friends. Which, ultimately, has left me sad and lonely.

Psalm 104:24-35

24 How many are your works, O LORD! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures.
25 There is the sea, vast and spacious, teeming with creatures beyond number-- living things both large and small.
26 There the ships go to and fro, and the leviathan, which you formed to frolic there.
27 These all look to you to give them their food at the proper time.
28 When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.
29 When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust.
30 When you send your Spirit, they are created, and you renew the face of the earth.
31 May the glory of the LORD endure forever; may the LORD rejoice in his works--
32 he who looks at the earth, and it trembles, who touches the mountains, and they smoke.
33 I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.
34 May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD.
35 But may sinners vanish from the earth and the wicked be no more. Praise the LORD, O my soul. Praise the LORD.

favorite illustration

"..It is quite clear from what you say that you have conscious wishes on both sides. And now,. another point about wishes. A wish may lead to false beliefs, granted. But what does the existence of the wish suggest? At one time I was much impressed by Arnold's line `Nor does the being hungry prove that we have bread.' But surely tho' it doesn't prove that one particular man will get food, it does prove that there is such a thing as food! i.e. if we were a species that didn't normally eat, weren't designed to eat, wd. we feel hungry? You say the materialist universe is `ugly.' I wonder how you discovered that! If you are really a product of a materialistic universe, how is it you don't feel at home there? Do fish complain of the sea for being wet? Or if they did, would that fact itself not strongly suggest that they had not always, or would not always be, purely aquatic creatures? Notice how we are perpetually surprisedat Time. (`How time flies! Fancy John being grown-up and married! I can hardly believe it!') In heaven's name, why? Unless, indeed, there is something about us that is not temporal."

letters written to Sheldon Vanauken by C. S. Lewis

sing a song

You Are For Me by Kari Jobe

So faithful
So constant
So loving and so true
So powerful in all You do

You fill me
You see me
You know my every move
You love for me to sing to You

I know that You are for me
I know that You are for me
I know that You will never Forsake me in my weakness
And I know that You have come down
Even if to ride upon my heart
To remind me who You are

So patient
So gracious
So merciful and true
So wonderful in all You do

goodbye baby

I've cried everyday since Tigger left us. I didn't realize how much I would miss him, how much I regret not having been the best owner. I wish I would've picked him up more, rubbed his belly, or fed him treats. I keep rewinding to the moment when I realized he was no longer with us and I kept looking at him, thinking he would plop back up as he usually does. Then I thought, this isn't my dog.

And now, I'm in denial. I'm in my room, thinking he'll poke his head by nudging his nose through crack of the door, pace throughout my room, reach to the right side of my bed, and lay on his belly as he awaits for me to sleep or to take him out for a walk. I'm at work, anticipating going home to take him on a walk, get the mail, and feed him his 3rd meal of the day. I wait on the couch, hoping he'll jump up and sit between me and the armrest of the couch when there's nearly 6 ft of space between myself and the other side of the couch.

I would give anything to hear him sing again. I would give anything to see his tail wag when he anticipates jumping into the car on a trip with us. I would give anything to have him wait patiently by me as i eat, and him hoping i would drop a morsel of turkey his way. I would give anything just for him to nudge my hand to pet him and rub the back of his ears. I would give anything just to have him follow me around the house. I would give anything to hear him bark, come to find it was me who came through the backdoor, and wait for me to pet him.

I want him to follow me up the stairs. I want him to lead me to his water bowl to tell me he's thirsty. I want him to scratch the door to tell me he's ready to come back in from his walk.

He was such a stubborn dog, entitled, mischievous, and prideful. He was independent, easy to please, and loved to eat. He knew Chinese and would sing for me though it hurt his ears. He played rough with me and played tag.

Our family split in 2009, my parents in Taiwan and us here. Did I ever tell you that? I'm not sure. Once my mom moved away, he's never really been the same. I think he also died of a broken heart.

Now, mine is broken too. i miss you.

hope

Maybe there really is a turn for the better...

I finally did it. And it feels exhilarating. I've been wanting to this for a while now and I finally followed through. It feels different than the other goals I've made in the past. Somehow this feels, life-changing.

I have a sudden deeper appreciation for why I'm here. Not just to exist, but to love. Maybe that's all I really want proof of-- that true love exists... for me.

bs

This eczema on the left side of my neck is starting to puss, gross.

Lately, a question has been posed in front of me and I keep coming back to it.

"Grace, why are you single?"

A few people have asked me. Surprisingly, men. I don't know if they ask out of curiosity, interest, or pure intrigue. But, I ask myself the same question. I know that I'm a good catch. But as far as why I'm single, I'm unsure.

I'd like to think I'm waiting on God.

The true lines in Jerry Maguire:

J: You complete me.

D: Shut up, shut up. You had me at hello...but lost me at "you complete me".

hello again.

I dreamt about you again. Lisa and I went to your apartment after buying groceries. And we took some time to relax. And I began to wonder how you could've possibly met Lisa-- you two run in different social circles. This would've been when my dream would've turned lucid, but it hadn't.

Why are you here?

super stealth

I went to Memorial Shooting Center yesterday with Joann. It was really fun! At first, I was kind of intimidated by the gun and fearful that I wouldn't be able to handle the recoil. But after a few rounds, I was no longer scared and enjoying my time.

So, as a result, last night I had a dream. I have had this recurring nightmare of being in school again, specifically in college, where I'm on campus or in bed and somehow I keep missing my Tuesday/Thursday class in fear of failing the class. I don't know why i have this recurring dream.

And like most of my other dreams, I'm usually found in the middle of an action scene where I'm only a spectator because I am helpless. But I suppose, after going to the range I felt empowered. And it played out in my dreams. Earlier on in the dream, I saw a man place a gun into a backpack and the backpack was in close range of me. So, as they were discussing their villany plans, I decided to be stealthy, reach for the gun, and fire a kill shot to his head. I aimed strategically and fired! To my dismay, the bullet bounced off his head. As he charged towards me, I played it off as a joke like "haha, jk. I shot you!" *twinkle eye*

"You're a great catch and any guy would be lucky to have you."

This made my week.

I'm a big cry baby

tears

I went to the bank to get something. A new thing that I've started to do is that while i'm there, I'll try on my mother's ring, cry a single tear upon seeing it on my finger with mixed emotions.

On one hand, I look at how beautiful it is and wonder when I'll have the same. The euphoric feeling of being in love and happily married. On the other hand, I think about how my mother wore it on her wedding day. Suddenly I'm flooded with thoughts of my mom.

This mother's day weekend, I felt extremely anti-social, thereby screening all of my phone calls and making the decision to stay home. When will this getting easier?

My friends were saying how the OT was a hard read, and they were patiently waiting for me to explain dispensationalism to them.

I was wearing a red dress waiting for the event to begin. We were ushered unto the red carpet. Instead of taking advantage of the limelight, all I wanted to do was smoke the rest of my cigars. I also felt like one of those female jazz performers that wear tassels on their dresses while anticipating my crush to notice me and sweep me off my feet.

It seems like this is turning into a dream blog. I'm hoping to perform inception in the near future.

I've been overly contemplative lately. Rereading some of my old posts reminds me of how intuitive and analytical I was as a student. How hungry I was for information and trying to soak in my environment. Since I've started to work at a desk job, I try desparately to numb my mind along with my body. After work, the first thing I want to do is turn on the tv and just veg.

I'm afraid if I continue on this path, I'll become a couch potato.

I had several interesting conversations over the last couple of days. I recently rediscovered that men have insecurities just as women do. I think I've been so disconnected from the men in my life that I don't really know how to interact with them. I also think that I've unconsciously put my shield up for the last 6 months. Anyway, what I've concluded from these conversations it that I need to be confident and be myself. The people in my life have loved me thus far, there's nothing I can do to lose them (regardless if I want to or not).

But more importantly, I must do my best to glorify God with my thoughts, words, and actions.

It's been a while since I've had a sweet, surreal dream.

I was out with Joann and Angela. We were in what seemed like a mall. We were browsing through clothes. I noticed a group of guys walked by and were checking us out. I was too busy looking at some clothes and suddenly, Angela was nudging (or pushing) me towards the outer edge of the store and then I bumped into him. My heart skipped a beat and I had to remind myself to breathe. His friends had also "accidentally" pushed him towards me. We both looked at each other and laughed. He asked me how I was and exclaimed that it was so great to run into me. I smiled and said, "likewise." We sat somewhere while the others roamed about. He leaned in and told me that he was really happy to see me. He was explaining that he was just thinking about me. Prior to bumping into me, he had told his friends about me and our past. He said he was delighted to run into me after all this time. Soon, his face had leaned in so close, I thought he was going to kiss me. But he paused and we were interrupted by our friends. They wanted to go watch a movie. As he and I were walking, we were side by side with his arms around me at my waist. And for the first time, I felt safe.

What does this mean?

Lately, I've been really irritated, annoyed, frustrated, or otherwise, angry. For some odd reason, I've been very defensive towards the people around me. I may not have necessarily expressed these emotions to anyone specific. But I couldn't pinpoint where all this hostility was rooted in. It could be a number of reasons at this point.

About a month ago, my mom called me at work and as usual, she started spewing out all the things I needed to do (ie transfer money, pay for insurance, clean, file taxes). My frustration with her is that she's always doing that! It's never been about how am I doing. Or if I'm okay, emotionally. If anything, that comes later after she's made certain that things are getting done. I thought I had left work once I'm home. Even now, I'm tearing up. When she had talked to me that day, she also mentioned the crisis in Japan and told me not to think about going to Taiwan any time soon. And I think that's what tipped me over. Look at what you've done to me. This house isn't even mine. I didn't buy this house. It wasn't my decision to settle down here. I've been working for three years and I have nothing to show for it. I can't even save enough for retirement because of this burden.

They want me to be happy. They want me to express myself. How can I express myself when I am this miserable? If I did, it would only make them upset.

I made sure to distance myself towards my parents. It's easier to do because they are so far away. I even thought about completely cutting them out of my life because then I wouldn't have to be in this much pain...

After I spoke with my mom that day, I burst into tears. It was embarrassing. I ran to the bathroom, praying no one would be in there. Sure enough, my coworker was in there. I ran into the stall and tried to regain composure (which I'm usually really good at doing).

I'm at the end of my rope at this point.

Even last night, after weeks of not speaking, I just have to be numb when I speak to them because otherwise, I'd start crying. I hate this. I really do.

vegas

vegas was crazy, crazy fun. Now, must get back to reality.