do you think God, being so gracious and merciful, could forgive me of the most formidable sin? I think so.

I often enjoy the time of rest that God gives me to recharge and really evaluate my motives for living. I often feel like i'm squandering his valuable talents that he's given to me. Like the prodigal son who runs towards his sensuality to be terminated by eating with the pigs, so do i wish to hunger and starve for the things of God. I'm tired of listlessly wandering through college, not knowing what God has in store for me. He's placed me in strategic areas of fortune, wealth, education, family, most of which prosper. I wonder if this is it.

I wonder if i'm straining towards the right goal. I wonder if going to college at Baylor was the best decision. I speculate whether my grades are a good reflection of what i'm truly capable of. It saddens me that all this thinking may just end up going to waste because it is really none of my concern. I think my mother had passed down her worry trait to me. I worry about these things, man. I worry that God isn't always going to do what's best for me (?!?!). i worry that my life is going to spin out of control if i don't contain myself from my insanity. i worry simply if i'm going to make it through the day. i worry that i'm not being as productive as i should be. i worry that in the next 3-5 years, i'll decide business is not the way to go and i'll switch to engineering (?!?!).

"my worrying is a sign of lack of faith"

i wish God would just smack me into place sometimes. No, i'm serious. I wish he would LITERALLY SMACK me down and put me in my place. Just the other day, i think it was sunday, my cousin asked me how my spiritual life was. The day before that, malachi asked me how i was doing with God. It really got me thinking. What have i been doing? Where was God during my first two semesters at college? Was He recognized? Was He on my lips 24/7? Was He worshipped? I want to say yes to all the questions above, but i would be lying. Of course, like a begging child, i would run to Him when i had a "boo boo" that needed to be patched up. But i failed to honor him by showing my gratitude for his majesty in my life. I've been so caught up "in being everybody's friend" that I got burnt out and failed miserably in my dates with God. I think i stood him up way to many times.

There are plusses to making so many friends. I've grown somewhat dependent. Not quite to the extent of some of my friends. But i've learned to trust a little easier. I'm also learning not to judge. I'm learning to be open to people. Not necessarily to be open to new opportunities to try new things. But to accept people as the way they are. i admit. I have my own set of ideas of what or how a person should be. But who am I to be "God" bleh. me and my tendencies. So i'm also learning to back off. and not be so cynical and critical of others. People say that i'm a great listener....i don't really think so. What's a listener good for, if they can't give advice. I need to work on my listening skills, especially when it comes to listening to God and discerning his voice from mine.

i've reverted back to my "streams of consciousness" entries. I'm tired of always having to reread what i wrote. it's tedious. =)

I think what I have below is a good explanation of relationships...with the opposite sex.

3:16 pm - Guys and Girls: Clearing up the confusion
OK I'll break it down for all of you who argue with me when I go off on my speeches about girls and guys:

FIRST of all, all GIRLS are EVIL.
This is a fact and don't get mad, just take it, its ok.

SECOND of all, all GUYS are RETARDED.
This is also a fact, but most of us would agree, right?

MOST IMPORTANTLY though, girls don't choose to be evil, and guys don't choose to be retarded.

Further explanation:
Girls are evil for two reasons: Girls are evil because they attract guys. You're probably like, but that's not their fault. True. Nonetheless, guys are attracted to girls - and because guys are drawn to girls so easily and powerfully, girls are evil. Guys can't help it. In fact, the more a girl doesn't realize she's evil, the more evil she is. The second reason girls are evil: Girls are always questioning motives. Not always a bad thing, but its bad when they always do.
Guys, on the other hand, are just plain retarded. We are crude, perverted, insensitive, selfish, and we make bad decisions that apply to girls. We say the wrong things at the wrong time, and do exactly what we shouldn't have done at that crucial point, or at least, that crucial point to the girl. What makes guys ultimately dumb, however, is that we can't stop being drawn to women, and that is our ultimate downfall.

KEY POINT: There are exceptions.

Pulling it all TOGETHER:
FACT: guys will like girls with or without the girl's consent. Girls will like guys that "treat them right." Most guys are too dumb to "treat a girl right." Guys that DO treat a girl right (the exceptions) cause the girl to question his motives. This suspicion pulls her away, and she turns to guys that don't treat her right, but don't break the pattern of how guys should act. Guys that treat girls right, don't get the girl, and girls get hurt by guys that don't deserve the girl.

Girls are bitter because they feel like they trusted a guy and he let them down. They* withdraw themselves from other guys and they'll never find the guy that they can really trust.

Guys are bitter because they can't figure out why girls want a good guy, but then don't trust him when he does nice things. How can he make a girl happy?

Bottom Line: It works when a guy finds that girl with his vibe, and treats her right. From there, the girl trusts him and gives feedback. In other words, it takes an exception guy with an exception girl.

BTW: By "exceptions" I don't mean a guy that is an exception. I mean specific cases. A stupid dumb guy, could still have an exceptional case, where he is good for the girl. vice versa with "girls are* evil".

~Jeff

to see its original source, go here.

oohh. got back from the gym. feels really nice. sweaty and gross. =D

So, urm. Summer has been relaxing so far. Just been bumming around for the most part. Been spending a great deal of time with my family, especially Michael. Andy is usually working or involved with New Life. My daddy is going to China on Sunday. And my mom is busy with work as usual. Coming back home made me realize how much i really did miss my parents and my brothers and of course, tigger. But most of all, i did miss Michael the most. He teaches me a lot on patience and compromising...shh... don't tell him i said that =)

by the by, I want to go to Six Flags...wherever. Houston? Dallas? San Antonio? I just wanna see you guys. Let's get together...yeah. yeah. yeah.

OH! and does anyone wanna go see Josh Groban in CONCERT? He's going to be in Houston on August 14th. Please! Someone COME! I'm desparate!

My cousin bloody updated? wow, who'da thunk.

anyway, so, i'm sitting here feeling all sorry for myself, not really making much out of anything. an epiphany just occured to me...who the freaking cares...

i know. i know. I have problems. I need to deal with it in the most sophisticated manner. I am tired of overanalyzing the situation, circumstances, consequences, and what not. i wish i could somehow numb my pain and depression away. I'm not asking for sympathy nor pity. I am getting it out there into the internet abyss.

I don't talk because there is no need to. Who needs to talk when you've got an online journal? right? am i right?

But yeah, i probably need to consult with God about my emotions. Maybe, I'm just being stubborn. I want this feeling of loneliness to linger just a bit longer to understand where it is coming from. Cause i know God provides the comfort i need. Yeah, pride.

Oh yeah, never talked about Rec Week. It was truly a God thing. I had a good time with brothers and sisters at IV. I love that natural bond that you have with those that are free in Christ even if you just met. You guys just come together with the same purpose and drive to love God and serve without inhibitions, or at least close to none. The one big thing that I got out of it was the fact that we got closer as a fellowship. We came together as a body and goofed off (majority of the time) but still collaborated to get the job done. We were able to pray for each other. We ate together. We worshipped together. We learned together. It was great. I learned the importance of a community and the importance of the body with many parts. Next year, all of us are going to working specific areas of the fellowship, and i can't wait to see what God has in store for each of us. Especially for what each of us have to offer to the fellowship. With our time, energy, and most likely, money put into it, I know that God will work miracles. I wait in eager expectation. i definitely love the time i spend with the girls. Each are so beautiful in their own way. I love Kristina for her sensitive heart and her carefree spirit. I love Hanna for her gentle heart to listen and sustaining strong heart. I love Mika for her sweet, caring nature and her selfless acts of kindness.

Overall, it was a good chance for us to bond and refresh ourselves in the presence of God.

I say, "boo on boys."

bah.

for the first time in my life, I seriously wonder if there really is that ONE person you will spend the rest of eternity with. In the past, i didn't doubt that God had someone in store for me. In fact, i recall having full assurance that God will provide someone suitable for me as a potential husband, excuse me, a bonafide ascertained husband. With the events that have ocurred in the last two weeks, i have fallen off my balance beam and came crashing down into oblivion. My world is a bit on the tipsy side. I am confused, a bit worried, but mostly, sad.

"I'll get over it." I've said it a thousand times this last semester. I use the avoidance tactic to relieve myself of any problematic situation. I will proceed if there are no further objections.

[sigh]

It is during this time of year that i become quite sentimental and emotional. It's a time where things come to end as the school year comes to a pause and the summer begins. This year had many firsts and many lasts. Too busy to elaborate, but i was just speculating...I've grown without knowing it.

Praise God.

"There are plenty of fish in the sea, but who wants to date a fish?"

dah! i must restrain myself from watching these romantic chick flicks! I find myself more and more vulnerable each time. Why does the movie industry have to make love seem so simple when it's really not. I just watched Love Actually.

I hate it.

You selected Words of Affirmation: 5 times
You selected Quality Time: 10 times
You selected Giving/Receiving Gifts: 0 times
You selected Acts of Service: 11 times
You selected Physical Touch: 4 times

So, I ended staying up until 5, studying for psychology. Sweet Apphia allowed me to study at her place. Thanks! Along with the test, I had two other quizzes. I bombed my QBA quiz, simply because i didn't do half of it. I completely forgot to study the one portion that was straight from the worksheet she had given to us. I had even told Tommy to study it! And to top it off, I am sick... once again. I feel horrible. I don't want to do anything. Don't want to go anywhere. I just want to cry away my pain.

*sniff sniff

[sigh] There are so many reasons why I wish I could go back in time.

Who: Robbie Seay!
Where: University Baptist Church; 1701 Dutton Street; Waco, TX 76706
When: 8 p.m.
How much: $5
Why?: BECAUSE THEY ROCK!!!!

So yesterday, I met Cindy. Cindy is Jairo's friend. They are in Delta Sig together. So back to meeting Cindy, met her at lunch. Introduced myself. Small talked. I asked her if Jairo was a playboy. She said, "well, look at him..." (teehee, that was a good laugh). The gang laughed. She asked about Highland. She told me about Antioch and life group. Invited me to go. I, having the obsessive compulsive tendency to say yes, simply said yes.

So today, out on a TOTAL whim, went to her life group!

[man, i seriously need to consult my mind before I say stuff.]

I enjoyed it. Meeting new people has always been fun for me. I love it.

Schedule 4/20
8:00 - Theater
9:00 - Breakfast
9:30 - Logic
11:00 - Study Psy
12:00 - Meet with Jen
1:00 to 2:30 - Study Psy
2:45 - Gym
3:30 - Shower
4:00 - Bible Study
5:00 - Study Psy
6:00 - Dinner
7:00 - Study Psy
7:30 - GIG
8:15 - Welcome Week Meeting
10:00 - Walk
10:30 to [the time I die] - Study Psy

"i gave her my heart...and she gave me a pen." Lloyd from Say Anything

Garden State

yesterday, we went to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. New favorite on my list of movies. I absolutely adored it. I just loved the artistic motifs and elaborate cinematography. At the same time, it struck a chord in my heart...

I already want to go see it again.

So yeah, i'm here in waco while most everybody is back home. I've been preoccupying myself with work that i don't necessarily need to do, but it would be for my benefit to do so. Urm, yeah. Apphia called me in the afternoon, telling me that she was back in town and wanted to eat dinner with me. She also told me DIANE was visiting! So i expected just the three of us to go eat dinner. Well, She comes and picks me up around 7:30. I see Diane in the front seat, and another person in the backseat. I assumed it was her brother or someone. So, i opened the door and i greeted Diane with a scream and said hello to Apphia. And then i looked to my left. This girl presents her hand and says, "hi, i'm hannah"

*grace screams* AHHHHH

IT'S HANNAH! I roomed with hannah at Urbana! it was sooo wild. I was soo happy to see her! *gleams

Dinner was great. Hannah shared her testimony. She speaks so passionately. I love it. Then Diane shared her experiences in Juarez, powerful stories of healing, prayer, and community. I missed them soo much.

hrm, let's see.

hola. so...

A little update, shall we?

- 5 weeks left of the semester
- Easter weekend -- *shrugs*
- JSA Formal -- not sure if i'm going, want to have a date so cheaper price
- MSO Banquet -- don't want to miss AFC, may be mandatory
- Finals -- start studying NOW. LIKE ASAP

I went to Race for the Cure and Steppin' Out. I had fun. Oh man, 6:30 in the morning. That was killer. I don't know how I managed to wake up during my years in high school. Speaking of lack of sleep, i'm going to go take a nap now.

I fare thee well. Parting is such sweet sorrow...

it's really interesting how you can only interact with certain people. There's bound to be someone that you just click with, and then, there are others who have the tendency to rub you the wrong way. I tried to adopt this idea of getting along with everybody and anybody ever since i understood social interaction. That there had to be something that we (that person and I) can connect on a certain level. My theory is somewhat at fault. My conclusion is still in progress.

Hanna and I went to CPR class yesterday. It was tedious and repetitive. aiyah. 6 hours of my life was spent in the same room watching a movie with dummies. I mean, I passed the test. I made new acquaintances. I just wished I had been sleeping instead. Afterwards, we walked across campus to Pizza Hut. We talked about random stuff. But the one thing i remember was that she asked me something. She asked me, "Why don't you talk, Grace? I mean, you tell me stuff when I ask you questions. But I've never heard you talk."

I gave her a series of excuses:
- my dad
- limited friends in high school
- seeming ignorant, foolish, dumb, idiotic, etc.

...But it boils down to the fact that i just don't have much to say. I wish I could tell you that i was an interesting person. Yet, I don't even know that. I have and will say this again: I lost a sense of myself.

Maybe Ashley Christian was right: I am boring.

Thank you for those in the past that have asked me why i am so quiet, why i don't talk that much. I didn't think you noticed.

Friday
- bombed my psychology test
- went to Hillsboro on the way to Dallas
- ate pho with Zoe, Eva, Peter, Samuel, Daniel, Jenni, and Andrew

Saturday
- Stonebriar
- Eva's place for Korean dramas in Chinese
- korean food for dinner...soo goood

Sunday
- worship at Dallas Chinese Fellowship Church
- dim sum at Lucky house (?)
- Java - Rasberry Tea, Chess
- Nap at Eva's
- Elf
- Korean dramas in Chinese

Monday
- Awaji
- Dunkin' Donuts
- Adventure Golf, Batting Cages
- Eva's fried rice for dinner [yum]

The weekend was nice. I enjoyed it very much so. Thanks everyone for making me feel so welcomed. I felt really special. It was great how each day, we spent it with someone new. On Saturday, it was Daniel who went to Stonebriar and dinner with us. Sunday - met up with Gracie at church and Java. Monday - Pham to eat lunch, watch us play putt putt and batting cages.

good times. good times...

[Coming home]

I realize why I don't come home that often...i belong to a dysfunctional family. Yeah, I believe that. It is taking me awhile to accept it, but I'm learning to love the fact.

My dad is mad at me. My brother likes to argue with me. My mom is hardly home. My other brother can't seem to find himself, and among other things intermingling with the fact that our family lives on lies. We all put up fronts of who we truly are to appease each other. It's been like this since I've had a memory.

I also want to address why I am the way I am
- I am indecisive. The reason: I've never been able to hold on to my own opinions and subjective thought. It has always been shot down by the male species of our family. I got tired of fighting so I let them have their way without speaking mine. Not to say that others are indecisive due to family circumstances, it just happen to be like that for me.

- My compulsive tendency to say "yes" even when I don't want to. I would be disciplined whenever I refused to do something I didn't want to do. "Disciplined" is a euphemism for being beat. The consequences were never once positive, needless to say. Those were the times when I felt as if my father least loved me. He didn't want me to say no. He would express his disappointment through his anger. Somehow, and I'm sure it is very valid...i apply it to everybody. No one wants to be rejected. No one wants to be said "no" to. Even if i am not in the mood, don't feel like it, or just downright uncomfortable...i will say yes, isn't that pitiful?

- My silent, quiet nature. [sigh] what can i say?

These 3 are things that make up a "pushover". I wish it wasn't so. But I do find myself lost in the abyss of college life. Again, I've lost my sight. Please guide me home.

When do you come to the point of complete and utter surrender to God?

I do want to surrender all to God. I know and have complete confidence that God is holding me in His hands. Therefore, he is control of everything. He has my plans intermingled with His plan. His plan for me is for my best interest and for the betterment of my life. Then why am i so afraid of giving up certain things that are causing me to stumble? If i really and truly trust God then giving up the nonsense of the world should be easy. =/

What have i been up to?

I have been doing my best to keep up with my work, trying to get ahead in all my classes.
I have been making a great deal of friends in and out of AFC.
I have been trying to devote everything to God.
I have been so busy that i'm physically and emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

how's that for generalizations?!

Beautiful Day

The heart is a bloom
Shoots up through the stony ground
There's no room
No space to rent in this town

You're out of luck
And the reason that you had to care
The traffic is stuck
And you're not moving anywhere

You thought you'd found a friend
To take you out of this place
Someone you could lend a hand
In return for grace

It's a beautiful day
Sky falls, you feel like
It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away

You're on the road
But you've got no destination
You're in the mud
In a maze of her imagination

You love this town
Even if that doesn't ring true
You've been all over
And it's been all over you

It's a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
It's a beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Teach me love
I know I'm not a hopeless case

See the world in green and blue
See China, right in front of you
See the canyons broken by cloud
See the tuna fleets clearing the sea out

See the Bedouin fires at night
See the oil fields at first light
And see the bird with a leaf in her mouth
After the flood, all the colors came out

It was a beautiful day
Don't let it get away
Beautiful day

Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have, you don't need it now
What you don't know, you can feel it somehow
What you don't have, you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day

--------------

I must say it was a gorgeous day yesterday. I was reminded of the song above as I was walking to class. Soaking and basking in the beautiful and glorious sun. ahh, so nice.

You know, i've noticed that i am quite ignorant. I even go as far as to say that i feel like a simpleton at times. Robert and Zoe may not think so, but i do. There so many things that i am just totally naive about. It's quite sad how little i know.

I think I've lost a part of myself. I have been so caught up in establishing friendships and relationships with people that i've been giving a piece of me each time. It's been awhile since I've had time to energize on my own. To sit back and absorb the blessings of God. Cause, you know, life (i.e. college) goes by so fast. It takes effort to slow it down a bit. These are the times i miss high school. My parents brought back my sanity after class ended at 2:36. They brought me down to earth and showed me reality for what its worth. Sometimes, i wish my parents were here to nag and discipline me...because it shows that they care. I'm doing things out of my own accord. And i really don't think what I'm doing right now is furthering my career or furthering the Kingdom of God. I'm just stagnant.

But yeah, urm. For future reference, i apologize if i am aloof or standoff-ish. It's just a habit. snap your fingers at me, poke me, or scream at me to bring me back into reality. The Ecuadorians are great at doing that. =)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAENA~! 19 years old! Hope you have a great year and i pray that God just blesses you with his gracious gifts. =D